DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Well done OP! I'm so pleased for you because I know how hard this must have been for you, but just think, a whole new world is open to you now, move forward take control of your life and don't look back....

I'm so proud of you OP!!! Not long now and you'll be free. You're amazing, truly, to have impressed so much you've been offered your dream job even with the abuse you've had to deal with at home. I can't wait for you to start your new life

@SecretJob

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

you're amazing. Keep posting whenever want support, we all want you to transition to a better life.

YES! Well done!!! Stay strong. Everyone rooting for you.

I remember you op and im so glad you accepted this job -well done and one step at a time

Congratulations!! You have a job!! Hang in there op, one day at a time.

I have a good friend who lived like this for years until she was persuaded to call the police. Her ex husband is now in prison

I'm so pleased you have taken this step. And I hope reading this might give hope to another woman. The very best of luck x

SecretJob you can do it! Best of luck

So pleased to hear about your job

So wonderful to hear you accepted the job! I have read your previous threads and think about you every now and then, wondering if you're safe. Safety and freedom is now literally just days away and I am so happy for you. Congratulations OP

Logically, it you were the perfect trustworthy employee, you could get another job & leave, or just leave...anytime you liked. Your husband as employer would have to either take up the slack or recruit some one with the required skills & references etc. This is an overhead of having a business.

Take up the job offer.
Help him recruit your replacement.
Of course, he’d have to stump up wages, but he’ll get over that.

So great that you accepted the job!

One of the critical things in getting out of a controlling relationship is being able to imagine yourself outside of it. And you're doing that!

You've imagined being in a different job, one where he can't control you. Now you've made that a reality!

You've imagined being in a different house, one where he can't control you. Soon that will be a reality too.

Eventually you will be able to imagine and then live a different life, one in which he does not feature at all. Keep stepping towards that.

I know not being able to conceive is terribly painful but it is one very small consolation that you will not have the life-long tie of children with him. FWIW, it's absolutely horrendous that he tried to weaponise your pain about that by suggesting that you're not really unhappy about your job, you're just projecting your sadness about TTC onto it. How dare he fucking try to tell you what your feelings are?! (It's a classic abuser tactic to try to tell you want you 'really' think or how you're 'really' feeling, by the way.)

Well done. Keep going. You can do this

Well done lovely, really well done 👌🥳

So glad to hear you've accepted the formal job offer OP.

I too remember you from previous threads, and you are making significant progress.

You now have a new source of income which is not controlled by him.

And in 2 weeks you will also have the keys to your own place, which will not be controlled by him.

Don't be tempted to sacrifice all that, just because it's not what he wants, because all he wants is to have you 100% dependent upon him, forever.

You know what you really need, because the minute he's not there, you're searching for it. It's freedom, and it's yours in 2 short weeks.

Bluff, lie and invent any excuse to keep him unaware of your plans and your preparations. If he tries to get you to deplete your bank account by asking you to spend it on something, you say 'I don't have the cash just now, because I've saved it and spent it on a special Xmas present for you'. etc etc

You can and are going to escape the gilded prison he created for you.

Another one here cheering you on, I’m so glad you’re here, I’m so glad we can help, stay strong, it’s always darkest before the dawn and all that. Just a few days longer, you can do this!!!

Hi OP I remember your last thread. Please please try to stay strong & leave asap.

Go you!! Reading your last post has brought a massive smile to my face.

@SecretJob

I’m still here and trying to read through everything but I’m not getting much time to, I feel like I need to be really careful and like he's keeping a close eye on me.

@msdoglady your post made me feel sick to my stomach. I’d forgotten a lot of that and being reminded of it was awful, but helpful. Thank you.

I passed all my checks and I've had an official job offer, and I’ve accepted it.

Fabulous news. Well done. Keep going and huge congratulations. You've got this.

OP you are being so brave, I remember your thread about the teaching job before.

KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING

You can do it, break free. You are strong enough. Be angry with the abusive cunt and use that to push you through the pain of the moments now.

@SecretJob

I’m still here and trying to read through everything but I’m not getting much time to, I feel like I need to be really careful and like he's keeping a close eye on me.

@msdoglady your post made me feel sick to my stomach. I’d forgotten a lot of that and being reminded of it was awful, but helpful. Thank you.

I passed all my checks and I've had an official job offer, and I’ve accepted it.

Congratulations, OP! You are incredible. Not long now til you get your own keys to your own place. Keep going.

Well done Op!!! Keep going

This is so great. Congratulations.

I just read the summary by @MsDogLady .
I wondered if you're married to my ex.
And now I'm more afraid for you.
Do not lose impetus no matter what he does when he ramps his evil up.

It took me leaving the country with no money in my pocket to escape. You've got this. I'm so proud of you.

@picklemewalnuts

Does the new landlord know your situation? Could they let you in early?

I'm not sure, would it be worth asking do you think? I didn't want to sound like drama and put them off me but I thought about telling them I'd move in as soon as it was ready

@ItsNotNormalLove

Just as a reminder - when we tag someone's username with an @ in front of it, it sends an email with a link to this thread to that user. If OP's husband has access to her emails, or even just sees a notification flash up on her phone, he could see this thread and OP could be in danger.

Thank you, but I turned them off, it's okay