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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 09/11/2021 14:40

Now I remember your other threads. You are AMAZING! He's such an abusive shit, that you have got all this together is remarkable.

Keep going. 15 days. 2 weeks. Head down, just keep going. Keep hiding everything. Keep making your plans.

You will get your hideaway where he can't reach you Flowers

pointythings · 09/11/2021 14:41

I am so glad you haven't turned the job down and are still planning your way out. Those 17 days must look like years from where you are now, but don't give up! Even if you end up in your new place on an air bed and in a sleeping bag, it will still be worth it.

I'm sorry your mum isn't supportive of your plans. I do know how hard that makes things - mine was also deeply unsupportive when I told her I was divorcing my abusive alcoholic husband. That didn't change the fact that I was doing the right thing, and your mum's opionin doesn't change the fact that you are doing the right thing. I only saw your last thread, so the summation upthread chilled me. It's the most awful example of emotional abuse and coercive control I have ever read on here.

Stay strong, keep going, post when you can. We are all here for you.

ButWeWereOnaBreak · 09/11/2021 14:47

Ahhh well done OP!! Your hard work will pay off, just hang in there a little longer :) I can't imagine how slowly time must be passing for you. Really hope the next few weeks fly by and you can finally be free xxx

Sakurami · 09/11/2021 14:53

OP well done for not turning down that job. You don't have kids with him so he really has no power over you. He has no rights over you. What he has been doing is wrong so ignore everything he says. Good luck

Luckingfovely · 09/11/2021 15:05

You're doing so well to be holding onto your dream, and you have all of us to support you.

I feel that you really need practical help for the next couple of weeks. I know you're terrified of being caught, but if you could give us a broad area of where you are, someone might be able to help - if you're near me, I'd come and help with moving, storage, finding somewhere for now, anything we could do to help.

Keep strong now - we're all behind you and rooting for you. This phase will end and you will have a new life before Christmas.

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 15:05

Didn't want to read and run. You are amazing. Flowers Star.

It may feel wobbly and unfamiliar at times but keep going. You are well on your way to a fresh happy new start. You will make new friends and try not to listen to any negativity from your mum. You are already putting good things life long investment in yourself in motion.

Keep going! Very happy for you. Keep posting Smile.

DogsWithJobs · 09/11/2021 15:07

I wish I could make things more certain, I wanted the checks to come back okay for the job (they told me not to resign from a current job before they do) Have you put him down as a reference? If so you need to let your new employer that you are employed by your husband and are in the process of leaving him and your job. He WILL try to sabotage your new job, so ensure your new employers know you are leaving an abusive relationship.

notnumb · 09/11/2021 15:10

Thank God you haven't turned the job down.
This could be the start of some peace of mind for you.

Can I just say what a fabulous job MsDogLady and Valerian have done on remembering and collating all that information. Also to the poster who pointed out you probably didn't forget to close your emails.
Having to talk to your own sister on the doorstep 😨
It is horrendous OP.

You wouldn't treat your dogs like that. Sure they like routine, but what he is doing is making you second guess what the next rule will be, constantly. Your dogs probably have more stability. He has trained you very well but you can do it: you can get out.

No one cares how many threads you start under different names if eventually you gain the courage to leave.

AdmiralCain · 09/11/2021 15:12

If you need any help whatsoever regardless of where you are in the country, let me know and I'd help on moving day (I know I'm a stranger off the internet)
You're so close, I wish you all the luck in the world. Think of being able to have a bath whenever you want and going to bed whenever you want and in a bitter way thinking of him all alone at home with no one to control and him going out of his mind.

CheltenhamLady · 09/11/2021 15:18

Keep going OP, you can do this.

Imagine how great this Christmas could be without the fear and apprehension hanging over you.

2022 a new beginning.

pointythings · 09/11/2021 15:24

I would also be willing to offer practical help if you're in my patch - I'm in West Suffolk. PM me if that works.

MyButteredBread · 09/11/2021 15:49

Oh, whew! I'm so glad you're still here, and you haven't turned down the job.

Keep a low profile with him, and keep getting things sorted. A bedsit as an interim is a good shout, or possibly an Airbnb? Can you contact your local women and children's aid for support?

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/11/2021 15:54

You are amazing @SecretJob.

Everyday a little stronger.

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 16:00

So happy to hear you're taking the job and still planning to move to your own place.

3luckystars · 09/11/2021 16:04

Keep strong and get out. Good luck.

picklemewalnuts · 09/11/2021 16:06

Does the new landlord know your situation? Could they let you in early?

Sidehustle99 · 09/11/2021 16:08

In NE if O could help?

ItsNotNormalLove · 09/11/2021 16:13

Just as a reminder - when we tag someone's username with an @ in front of it, it sends an email with a link to this thread to that user. If OP's husband has access to her emails, or even just sees a notification flash up on her phone, he could see this thread and OP could be in danger.

MyButteredBread · 09/11/2021 16:14

Good point - op, I think you can turn that functionality off in your settings.

Queenoftheashes · 09/11/2021 16:22

Great you are taking the job. Good luck.

BobLemon · 09/11/2021 16:27

Less than a month! You can count the sleeps on your fingers and toes till you can go. Can you provide this new address to your new employer already?

ChargingBuck · 09/11/2021 16:30

my Mum doesnt really think I’m doing the right thing by wanting to leave

You mum doesn't have to live with the cruel abusive arsehole, so she doesn't get a vote.

I am SO pleased you are taking the job.
Yes, the interim period will be difficult, but look at it this way - even if you were managing an 'ordinary' break up from a decent guy, this period in limbo would be difficult. Change is hard! - & when you add the inevitable inertia & fear caused by years of control ... well, you are doing brilliantly.

Wine Well done, Secret, keep going!

billy1966 · 09/11/2021 16:38

OP,

You keep posting every so often OP.

Your husband is a controlling bully and you have been unhappy a long time.

He likes you up early doesn't he?

He likes you to sit beside him while he works.

He is an abusive controlling bully.

I really hope you take the job and get away.

Ring Women's aid and see if they have a bed in a refuge to help you.

Transfer half of the money in the account into your account.

Don't you have two houses?

Don't mind your mother, she hasn't your best interests at heart.

Get away from him.Flowers

JacquelineCarlyle · 09/11/2021 16:53

I'm so pleased you are taking the job Op - bloody well done you. Hang in there - you can do this. I'm in the West Midlands and would also help on moving day.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2021 16:53

Call anyone and everyone who may be able to put you up for a few days, even if you have to sleep on the floor. Go to a shelter. Get the cheapest flea-baggiest hotel room you can if that's all you can afford. Heck, if I had a car I'd probably sleep in it if I had to, just to get away from this horrible man.

OP, do realize that if you were a POW, your 'enemy' (because that is what he is) would be guilty of violating the Geneva Convention for some of the things he's done.

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