DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Well done SecretJob.
Can you wait 2 weeks for the flat ? It would give you time to try & get copies of all his/your important paperwork, savings, life insurance, tax returns.
Could you ask anyone at all to keep some of your belongings? Get some of your clothes etc hidden there. Clear out your cupboards, then you can take stuff to "the charity shop"
Dont listen to your mother, it is shocking she us not supporting you morally.
She's not living like something out if the handmaids tale.
You can do this

Oh, he was also "persuading" her that she needed to have gastric band surgery, in order to lose weight so they could ttc. Even though she didn't want to go through with it. And then complaining that she was on a diet and not eating with him, in advance of the op.

She bravely stood up to him about that, I wonder at what price

And all those things he has promised her he'd do that @Valeriane listed? , to make her life less miserable? Never happened, indeed his abuse and control just got even worse, each time.

(I rather suspect he's also the man who made his wife help lift a far too heavy generator from the works van, which then injured her, but I might be wrong, there is a thread about that on here at the mo)

OP if I can help you move, or store some stuff , let me know. I've pm'd you.

And well done about the job!

OP I am in Hertfordshire if that's any help. PM if you need anything xx

I'm not sure offers of help for the OP are wise, especially considering her husband may well be tracking her online activities. She needs real life support from a DV specialist.

It's you again, isn't it, OP? I often think about you. I really hope you leave soon.

@MyButteredBread

I'm not sure offers of help for the OP are wise, especially considering her husband may well be tracking her online activities. She needs real life support from a DV specialist.

I recall a thread a couple of years back where the OP needed help with her mental health - hoarding issues. A few PP's banded together, arranged a meet-up at her gaff, & helped her clear & clean it. I imagine some good friendships were established that day.

For all its quirks & odd suburban sensibilities, MN at its best is a powerhouse of sisterly support & intervention. Perhaps our OP can benefit from real-life MN'ers AND DV specialist support - I do hope so, she is an amazingly strong woman to have managed the outrageous home life she is subjected to, & one I'd dearly love to see free & content.

PS OP - it's unlikely, but here's another vague location check-in -
Mid Wales if you need me :)

South west here, OP.

East London, if you need help.

@Cuntness

It's you again, isn't it, OP? I often think about you. I really hope you leave soon.

Yes me too. I remember a post years ago about you were in trouble for opening a window or something like that. I do hope to see an update one day saying you’re free. It will be worth it.

Today 21:42timeisnotaline

Cuntness

It's you again, isn't it, OP? I often think about you. I really hope you leave soon.

Yes me too. I remember a post years ago about you were in trouble for opening a window or something like that. I do hope to see an update one day saying you’re free. It will be worth it.

Yes , that was a thread or two about a stupid argument.
Horrific

West Herefordshire/Shropshire, here.
Willing to help.

You should leave simply because even though your current job working for your husband is paying well you don't have any money.
How did that happen?
Where did that money go?
Household expenses and I bey he doesn't match your input.
That is reason good enough to leave and not to let anyone rob you of your hard earned wages.

You need to find out what you want and not what your husbands wants, just because you’re married does not mean he gets to control your life.

It sounds to me you need to follow your own instincts and have your own independence which you can have while married.

Well done SecretJob. You've done so much already and the end is in sight. It's scary but you CAN do this.

If you're in Sussex, feel free to drop me a DM. I'm happy to help on moving day or even store some of your stuff.

We're all rooting for you 🤗

I'm not familiar with your previous threads, but this one alone is enough to make me want to see you safely out of that door. I'm so sorry your dad isn't alive any more, he must be rejoicing in heaven!

One day you're going to look back on this and be so amazed and proud of yourself that you somehow, somehow, managed to inch your way out. Congratulations on not giving in to the habit of cancelling your plans to suit DH. It's time for you to give yourself the space in which to flourish and bloom.

After reading the summary of your previous threads I am horrified. You are living in a constant state of fear, alert and anxiety. Your husband is a monster. A psychopath.
Please believe that when you leave and completely break away from him, your life will improve a lot.
He sounds like he should be behind bars for mentally and physically torturing you.
I wish I knew you in real life!

Just reading the post @Valeriane wrote with a quote from one of your previous threads, and this bit stood out to me

He's right. Everything he saidisright, to be fair. I have had multiple jobs in the past, I have tried things and failed. I spent a lot of time working in call centres which I hated. He said that I have a tendency to think thatthiswould solve my problem and it never does the problem is still there and this will be the same.

What would solve all your problems was not having him controlling your life anymore. He has caused you to second guess and doubt yourself for so long, so many years, that whatever he says is right, and through fear you back down and carry on with this 'life'.

I have read a lot of your previous posts. I remember you telling us about him waking you in the middle of the night as he was up so you should be. The hours of sitting with him while he works and you aren't allowed to do anything else, that you have to be on call for his every whim. The long walks which caused you great pain. Just so much.

I am glad you haven't turned down the job and I really hope they give it to you.
Do you know why there is such a hold up with the flat? I think if you feel it is going to get delayed again that you search for another one and stress you need it asap. You need to get away, and allow his clouding of your judgment to clear so you can think for yourself and know you can do this. Because you can. You know all what he is doing is wrong, and we understand how hard it is to leave it, but you need to.
I really wish you well op. I won't tag you as I don't know what your email notifications are and wouldn't want him to see them.

So relieved you are taking the job. Please call WA for short term housing help.

Your freedom and new kids are just days away 💖

Op I remember your posts from before. Good luck.

OP I also remember your posts... without any more detail I could tell this was you; what they all have in common is a tone of desperate urgency, like you're fighting for your life but you haven't realised it, you don't believe you can win but you still just can't give up on life. The woman clinging onto the cliff face, unable to pull yourself up, unable to let go.

If you don't make a leap, you're doomed either way, but you're clearly gathering strength to go for it. You can do it. Look what you have achieved! The reaching out for support despite your prison. Getting a job. Getting a placement (even if you didn't take it up, I hope it made you realise that you have a lot of value to offer). Finding a place to go, making a plan.

When you leap, you'll find solid ground, even if it takes you some big wobbles at first to feel steady there. I wish you the very best of luck.

Hope you are OK OP and everything is progresssing for you

I’m still here and trying to read through everything but I’m not getting much time to, I feel like I need to be really careful and like he's keeping a close eye on me.

@msdoglady your post made me feel sick to my stomach. I’d forgotten a lot of that and being reminded of it was awful, but helpful. Thank you.

I passed all my checks and I've had an official job offer, and I’ve accepted it.

Grab that lifeline op..
You deserve to be saved....
Congratulations on the first step into your new life.