DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I spent years trying to leave my ex.
I finally did it this year and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
I promise you will deeply regret not taking this job.
Go with your heart on this one!

@altmember The husband seems to have anxious attachment, trust and insecurity issues.

No that's what the under 5's have, not grown men. The OP's behaviour and attempt to free herself from this situation is a symptom of his suffocating, controlling behaviour. Not the cause of it. His narrative is designed to make her fearful of sharing her own desires and wants. That is why she could not openly discuss this with him.

The husband seems to have anxious attachment, trust and insecurity issues

And other nope

Stop medicalising abuse. It keeps women and children in bad situations.

What was making you want to leave OP?

I hope you take the job. Do you have a friend or family you can stay with until things finally come together?

@Goldbar

Take the job and move out.

OP, does your DH pay you a wage at present? It's not clear.

Yes I do get paid a proper wage.

Take the job.

@SecretJob

What did you do in the end. Deadline was today wasn't it?

Please take the job. I read lots of threads on here but yours is one where I am really worried and want you to grab your freedom. Everything has fallen into place with the job and the accommodation, you just have to be brave, reach out and grab it. You'll never look back once you do.

Take the job. You'll be better off (mentally) in the long run.

Even if you aren’t ready to leave immediately, take the job. Some I dependence will be good.

Independence not I dependeNce

Have you contacted the company? I hope you did and accepted.

Come OP, you've got a job, a place to move into, this is your chance to escape from him! You can do this!

Mumsnet, I read and re-read your posting rules and absolutely do not understand why my earlier post was deleted. 🤷‍♀️ I'd be OK with an explanation.

It is strange, how I can call a man a "sicko" - is that not offensive? Care to delete? But can't infer that the poster might have wanted for the husband to "pull the plug" by finding out about the job literally a day before the offer had to be accepted. It's not beyond reason. It happens. That's life. For many women it's better the Devil I know (hence we have that saying).

It actually can be helpful to face up to learned helplessness or codependancy and change the self-sabotaging habits.

The Mumsnet talk rules say to speak to posters like you would in person. Well... Yes! I'd tell my sister/friend/child/mum to stop with the self-sabotage and surrendering to a controlling man and get the heck out!

I had to get away (with a small child in tow) from a controlling bastard who didn't want me to work. In REAL life, I don't remember anyone nanny-ing with me. I was made to wake up and smell the coffee by literally everyone around me. That's the only thing that worked (practical help + reality check on my situation + helping me see a better future). On Mumsnet practical help is impossible, reality check is not allowed, helping see a better future is OK, but clearly not enough going by the low "success rate" of these threads.

Peace. You're clearly not happy OP, so stop doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result (from him). Something has to change! The job was that opportunity....

@HollySass

Mumsnet, I read and re-read your posting rules and absolutely do not understand why my earlier post was deleted. 🤷‍♀️ I'd be OK with an explanation.

It is strange, how I can call a man a "sicko" - is that not offensive? Care to delete? But can't infer that the poster might have wanted for the husband to "pull the plug" by finding out about the job literally a day before the offer had to be accepted. It's not beyond reason. It happens. That's life. For many women it's better the Devil I know (hence we have that saying).

It actually can be helpful to face up to learned helplessness or codependancy and change the self-sabotaging habits.

The Mumsnet talk rules say to speak to posters like you would in person. Well... Yes! I'd tell my sister/friend/child/mum to stop with the self-sabotage and surrendering to a controlling man and get the heck out!

I had to get away (with a small child in tow) from a controlling bastard who didn't want me to work. In REAL life, I don't remember anyone nanny-ing with me. I was made to wake up and smell the coffee by literally everyone around me. That's the only thing that worked (practical help + reality check on my situation + helping me see a better future). On Mumsnet practical help is impossible, reality check is not allowed, helping see a better future is OK, but clearly not enough going by the low "success rate" of these threads.

Peace. You're clearly not happy OP, so stop doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result (from him). Something has to change! The job was that opportunity....

Dont take it personally, I was censored recently, there was no rational explication within the context. Nothing offensive, or incendiary. Ho figure

Op - I echo what everyone else has said, you need to take this job or you'll never get away from him. Please don't turn it down. What will he do if you refuse? Do you need to get away somewhere safe?

@HollySass

Mumsnet, I read and re-read your posting rules and absolutely do not understand why my earlier post was deleted. 🤷‍♀️ I'd be OK with an explanation.

It is strange, how I can call a man a "sicko" - is that not offensive? Care to delete? But can't infer that the poster might have wanted for the husband to "pull the plug" by finding out about the job literally a day before the offer had to be accepted. It's not beyond reason. It happens. That's life. For many women it's better the Devil I know (hence we have that saying).

It actually can be helpful to face up to learned helplessness or codependancy and change the self-sabotaging habits.

The Mumsnet talk rules say to speak to posters like you would in person. Well... Yes! I'd tell my sister/friend/child/mum to stop with the self-sabotage and surrendering to a controlling man and get the heck out!

I had to get away (with a small child in tow) from a controlling bastard who didn't want me to work. In REAL life, I don't remember anyone nanny-ing with me. I was made to wake up and smell the coffee by literally everyone around me. That's the only thing that worked (practical help + reality check on my situation + helping me see a better future). On Mumsnet practical help is impossible, reality check is not allowed, helping see a better future is OK, but clearly not enough going by the low "success rate" of these threads.

Peace. You're clearly not happy OP, so stop doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result (from him). Something has to change! The job was that opportunity....

Well, using phrases like " self-sabotage" and suggesting this is all a "sick spectacle" isn't going to endear you to MNHQ.

I don't know who else reported your unhelpful, unkind post, I know I did.

@SpringCrocus Well, people DO self-sabotage! Some in relationships. I do at my jobs. What is your particular problem with that fact? The term is non-offensive and non-inflammatory and favoured by relationship coaches and therapists alike.

It is a "sick spectacle" to watch these threads unfold, do nothing to help other than offer flowers 💐 and report posts that don't share your sentiment. Is this your hobby? Because I can tell you, that EVERY single person who has ever left an abusive/controlling situation, had to become acutely aware of the sh*t they're in. Then, they had to use their anger plus their legs, to actually leave.

Staying or leaving,or taking the job vs not taking it, are OPs DECISIONS to make. Not all decisions can be influenced just by and .

OP clearly is not happy in the current situation. I hope she gets the fighting talk and some emotional ammunition somewhere some day. It clearly won't be here.

And... No. I'm not trying to endear myself to Mumsnet or some busy-bodies who can't handle other people's life-experiences and opinions. I'm trying to help in a way that worked for me and many others.

And probably for the better, I'm out. Leaving Mumsnet for my own emotional wellbeing. It is rather triggering to watch from the side-lines domestic abuse situations, with my mouth taped shut.

Good luck with with the Battered-wives cake club. 💐

@HollySass

And probably for the better, I'm out. Leaving Mumsnet for my own emotional wellbeing. It is rather triggering to watch from the side-lines domestic abuse situations, with my mouth taped shut.

Good luck with with the Battered-wives cake club. 💐

Bye then.

Another one here who recognises you from your previous threads OP.

Please take the job. You must have worked on ways to get out with your counsellor, dared to dream about your ideal job - and you managed to make that dream a reality. What an achievement.

Don't let it slip away, please.

The upheaval will be worth it. You will feel your whole physical being start to feel lighter once you get away.

You are in a kind of prison at the moment.

He is not good to you OP. Don't listen to him. I remember last time you saying that he constantly reminds you of how good he is to you. He's brainwashing you in order to control you.
You have the strength within you to get out.
All sorts of good things could happen in your life once you are out.

Please do it.

Aren’t you the poster who has to sit & watch your OP work? This post a familiar ring to it.

If you don’t want to leave, don’t take the job.

If you want to leave, take the job

If you are the same person, you’ve had plenty of good advice on your numerous other threads. You keep making threads about topics & ignoring the wider issues

If you intend to take the job be careful to not make yourself seem like a troublesome, flaky employee from the get go.

By that I mean do not contact new employer to discuss your husband not wanting you to take the job. Either accept it or decline it.

If you get your chance at a dream job & still want to throw the opportunity away that’s your decision, not your husband’s.

I don’t know if this is the Battered Wives’ Cake Club - needs thinking about …

I would much rather the OP were a work of fiction - because her life, as fact, sounds pretty grim - across threads.

We’re bound to wonder what’s happened since she last posted. I doubt it would be because she’s shocked at the responses - given that this isn’t her first thread on her marriage. I’m afraid it’s highly likely her husband has sabotaged her job more directly, himself - by phone or email to her prospective employer.

If she hasn’t already done so herself.

It's sad that you haven't been able to have the children you wanted, but it means you can make a clean break from thus man, who clearly messes with your head.

I hope you have taken the job and decide to take the available accommodation. Take control of your life - this is your chance.