DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Another ‘take the job’ from me. I remember your old thread, it was heartbreaking. If you still have it, please read it again (I realise you’ve name changed). Please leave him and be happy. 💐

Do you worry he will be violent?

If he truly loved you he'd want you to be independent and successful in your own right and it would bring him joy knowing that you are building your own career - but all he wants is to control you :(

@irene9

I don't see why you can't take the new job and also stay doing some part time work in your DH's business? The issue is that you seem to be 'all or nothing' type of person. You are only seeing two choices:

You either have to leave him, get a new job/rent a place to live.
Or you have to stay with him/stay working full time for him/etc.

That is the unrealistic part for me.
You have a 'secret inner life' that for some reason has to stay 'secret'

My advice is - explain to your DH that you need your own work. That you need and want that independence.

It's possible you could still do the banking for the business part-time... but then gradually hire someone to do the other financial admin?

Bring some of your plan into reality and take it out of the secrecy.
Take the job, then sort the rest out later.
Your DH may be nice but a part of him wants you to stay within his control too.
Even if you refuse this job, you should look for another job. I don't see why you had to keep that secret from your DH.
It's very reasonable for someone to just want their own 'thing' in life.

None of this advise is relevant to someone with an abusive husband. That's what OP's husband is. An abuser.

You cannot reason with / compromise with / assume the best of an abuser.

Like many others I recognise OP from her other threads. As is evident from the dozens of posts saying the same and flagging that he's abusive, I'm baffled why a couple of people are still saying she should have let him know / was wrong not to / should just chat to him about it.

That might work with a normal, non abusive partner. It doesn't with an abuser. Ever.

She needs to take the job and get away from him. There are no kids involved and she clearly has the ability to earn an income. She's done so well to apply and get this job. It's vital she takes it and uses it as the springboard to leaving this arsehole.

[quote Megalameg]@PRsecrets

If my boss was my husband and I was about to quit working for him and had been applying for jobs then yes I’d tell him. Would you not? If all else is well that seems pretty damn rude and I wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that.

I understand OP’s situation is different but in a happy marriage it would be bizzarely inconsiderate behaviour not to tell him. If I worked with my husband and he dropped it out of the blue he had a new job and had been looking for one for some time I’d be upset and angry if I had no clue it was coming and he hadn’t bothered to tell me he was thinking of it. Don’t act like most people wouldn’t be we both know it’s not the truth.[/quote]
Megalameg, I'm going to answer you just in case you're mirroring the darkest self-doubts OP has.

Yes I’d tell him. Would you not? If all else is well that seems pretty damn rude and I wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that.
All else is very definitely not well. All else is misery by the sound of it, which OP has been conditioned to accept as normal.

in a happy marriage it would be bizzarely inconsiderate behaviour not to tell him.
Surely you must have noticed by now that this could never in a million years be described as a happy marriage?!

What you call "inconsiderate" behaviour is a matter of survival.

I mean, I'd normally hold the door open for someone following me. But if they were chasing me with handcuffs, hoping to seal me in a cage, I'd let the door slam in their face and I don't think anyone would expect me to apologise for being rude!

Please take the job. Please. You're worth so much more than he allows you.

Take the job.. that little voice inside you needs listening to. When you’re with him he just baffles everything like one of those snow globes and you can’t see straight, but when you’re on your own things settle and you can see clearly again.
Trust that inner voice op, it’s telling you to get out. You’ve got lots of little bits in place (job, somewhere to go) connect them all together and leave. You CAN do this!

I’m actually thinking you need a lot of things to fall into place to leave this guy. How old are you? Do you need a new job to be able to leave? Why don’t you tell your husband you are quitting. Don’t go back. Tell him you need space to think so please hire someone else and move into your own flat. Give yourself 6 months breathing space and then find a job. You are entitled to half of all assets including the business.

I think you need space from him

I remember your others posts. Firstly, congratulations on your job....that is fantastic news. I know it was a bit of a mistake to leave the emails open and he found out. Its done now and he would have found out sooner or later. So, now you want to say goodbye to your dream job that you envisaged you being in, worked hard at therapy to get there and 'poof' your husband gets angry and you back paddle. Just stop for a moment. You will be going back to the lions den where will you be dreadfully unhappy and deeply regretful for not taking this giant step away. Please reconsider your choice of staying.

Husband is a sicko though, no two ways about it. Why stay, OP? Why? One good reason??

OP you've done the hard yards, well done on getting the job, it's a huge achievement. It shows how capable you are on your own.

Can you just leave now? He will sense the ground shifting and will try to up the ante. You really need to leave. Airbnb, family, anything. Get away from him, he stops you thinking straight.

Take the job.

Unike other posters I haven't read your other threads burt his reaction to finding about the job is quiute telling. It's clearly his way or the highway.

Don't settle for that. In a good relationhsip, you would have been able to talk about it. You would have been able to say that you need some breathing space and to be able to work in a different setting than his job. The fact you had to hide all that is telling.

please TAKE THE JOB!!

OP, please please let us know that you haven't cancelled the job.
This is your moment.

You must have known he'd find out sometime, and that he'd be angry: well, now that's happened. Earlier than you might have liked but hey, your ducks are already in a row and now the ONLY thing holding you back is fear of his disfavour. Please don't sabotage this moment for yourself. You've worked so hard and you know it's right.

Please please please take the job.

Imagine a life where you can do what you choose when you choose to do it. Imagine spending happy times with family and friends. I.agine following your interests and growing. You are so so much more than this small person he wants you to be. You can have such great joy, please be brave OP, you can do it.

Please take the job

This was me years ago OP. I had secretly rented a small studio flat and I could just leave and go there when the moment was right (when I finally snapped.) Over 3 weeks I rented it, furnished it with second hand stuff and took food over knowing I would finally, one day, go there.

In the event my DH knew we were unhappy, wasn't surprised and offered to help me move my stuff to the new place, so it turned out okay. But I needed to prepare things and leave in a way that would work even if he hadn't been unexpectedly decent about it.

A job isn't ONLY about the money, it is about self-respect, self-worth and enjoying your life. Being proud of the thing you produce at work. Or maybe having a laugh with your colleagues, (which possibly your DH doesn't want you to do.)

I think OP (like me) you know that inevitably, one day, you are going to leave. So put things I place so that can happen. Your plan is nearly ready. Do the next step. In the end money is not as important as our sense of being in charge of our own lives.

Take the job and get away.

The husband seems to have anxious attachment, trust and insecurity issues.

OP needs to tell him that she can't work for his business any more. It's often too much to live and work with the same person, and they need some space apart work wise as it's impacting on their marriage.

He said he thinks it’s not the job that I don’t like, that I’m just transferring my unhappiness about not having children onto the job. We’ve been TTC unsuccessfully for ten years, he said if I had a baby I wouldn’t feel like this about work, and he might be right about all that.

Well that's got to put a major strain on any marriage. I can see his point that it might be an underlying issue here. But also, no kids means nothing to bind you post divorce, it's far easier to leave when there are no kids involved.

I do really hope you take the job. You may find a lot of people around you support this decision and aware of what is going on and are waiting for you to take the leap. Just because your husband isn’t there for you, it doesn’t mean friends, you’ve lost touch with won’t.

altmember The husband seems to have anxious attachment, trust and insecurity issues No, he's just a bloody control freak not a child with attachment issues.