Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there a cure for mansplaining?

154 replies

PissyMum · 06/11/2021 23:47

I’ve been with boyfriend for about 18 months. We get on really well and have a really good laugh and amazing sex. I’m starting to be driven round the bend by his constant mansplaining though. I only really noticed him doing it about a month ago when he decided to explain the actual meaning of my favourite book that I’d lent him, which he’d never heard of until I lent it to him.

Now the scales have slipped from my eyes I can’t believe I didn’t see how often he does it earlier. I think I’d possibly dismissed it as he is a proper intellectual and a world expert in the field of science that he works in. I don’t have a degree as I dropped out of uni but I read loads, keep up with current affairs etc and can generally hold my own in conversations with most people. I thought that maybe he thought I was a bit dumber than I am or possibly because I’m over a decade younger than him that I dismissed it to begin with. Now he knows me properly he clearly still thinks I’m an idiot though. I can tell when he’s going to start a long winded explanation as even if I say “yes, I know that” it’s almost as if he hadn’t heard me and he just can’t stop himself from continuing in his lecture.

Do you think if I sat him down and really clearly explained how shit it makes me feel that he might actually stop doing it? Or am I flogging a dead horse? He’s late 40’s so I’m guessing it’s probably too late to change now.

OP posts:
PissyMum · 06/11/2021 23:47

Also apologies for the probable multiple typos, I’m ever so drunk.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/11/2021 23:50

It sounds as though he doesn't know he's doing it. Does he have a job where he has to explain things to people? If not, could he get a job like that?!

The only answer is to just walk out of the room when he starts. Then shout "have you finished yet?" before you come back into the room. If that doesn't work then there is no hope for him!

wolfstarling · 06/11/2021 23:55

Nope it won't stop 20 years in...[grin

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 06/11/2021 23:57

Very relatable. I would explain it to him calmly and quickly and lightly with examples and then move away if he argues or tries to pin it on you as a defense tactic. Then next time he does it you can point it out.

I've pointed it out a few times with my bf, who luckily is secure and able to take it, and now its a bit of a running joke and i say 'darling I think you're mansplaining' with a smile/wink. Which mostly works quite well. Least they can do is to take it well when we have to endure it so often Grin

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 06/11/2021 23:58

@HollowTalk

It sounds as though he doesn't know he's doing it. Does he have a job where he has to explain things to people? If not, could he get a job like that?!

The only answer is to just walk out of the room when he starts. Then shout "have you finished yet?" before you come back into the room. If that doesn't work then there is no hope for him!

Laughing my ass off at the idea of doing this. Noted.
TyneTeas · 07/11/2021 00:02

Give him a laminated copy of this

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20180727-mansplaining-explained-in-one-chart

PinkStink · 07/11/2021 00:03

Yes I genuinely think it’s doable.

It’s everywhere and I now find it helpful to tell DH about how I’ve been mansplained at. So he is genuinely aware of the experience.

Today I ran a marathon.

I parked my car and walked to the start with a chap who did some amazing mansplaining at me. I wasn’t in the mood to get wound up. I did however feed this back to DH so he could laugh with me.

He’s a white middle aged man and has spent his whole life enjoying the privilege. He has honestly got so much better with more open conversions and understanding.

He is an absolute diamond of a husband. Honestly. Fair division of Labour and respect. He just didn’t release he could be guilty of this until it was pointed out.

PissyMum · 07/11/2021 00:07

There is hope then, that’s reassuring. I love the idea of just walking out of the room and the BBC graphic is spot on Grin

OP posts:
Duckypoohs · 07/11/2021 00:10

It's a very strange phenomenon, my own son attempted it when he was about 9, he sat and watched me fix a laptop and then attempted to explain it back to me. I did set him gently right, but maybe I should not have, allowing him to fit in Hmm

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 07/11/2021 00:12

My husband is terrible for it, and I call him out every single time but it makes no difference.

It worse because he's 13 years older than me, so there's an element of 'age-splaining' - except my memory and general knowledge are much better than his, so he will say (e.g.) 'Michael Foot - he was the leader of the Labour Party in the early 80s ...' and I will say, 'Yes, I remember listening to him on my parents' wall-to-wall Radio Four when I was six ...'

Dubsub · 07/11/2021 00:18

My daughter (22) is great at taking the piss out of her dad, uncles and our male friends if they start with this. She is very funny and chucks in references to straight, white, middle class, male privilege and the patriarchy. Using humour can be really powerful in tackling nonsense like this. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Qwertyyui · 07/11/2021 00:18

Depends on my mood. If I feel fun I ask a million questions like really stupid questions and then he realises I am taking the piss. Other days I just tell him to stop mansplaining. Other days I just ignore him then when he finishes I say 'sorry I stopped listening start again' and get him to repeat it all again. He doesn't do it that often now.

Svalberg · 07/11/2021 00:34

I find saying 'Stop fucking mansplaining' works

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 07/11/2021 00:41

@Svalberg

I find saying 'Stop fucking mansplaining' works
Grin

It works for the episode in progress but doesn't stop him doing it again in my experience.

Oldraver · 07/11/2021 00:49

OMG I've only just realised that the very Overy confident 19 year old new recruit at work is a mansplainer in training

One several occasion this week I've been told which route I will need to use to go to work ( there are upcoming road closures)

I've only lived in the town for 37 years and fine this journey to work for 4 years

Bogeyes · 07/11/2021 02:02

Walk away

RockinHorseShit · 07/11/2021 02:36

I found 'womansplanning" "wimmin" things to DH soon shuts him up. Step by step instructions on how to make a cup of coffee, winds him up the mostGrin Along with sarcasm & taking the pee when he mansplains. He's much better these days 😂

AviciaJones · 07/11/2021 02:55

I asked my brother if he realised he was mansplaining and that it was very annoying, especially as he tends to repeat himself.

He hasn’t done it since. Grin

ErrmWTAF · 07/11/2021 03:31

Make up a Mansplain Penalty Jar, with fancy calligraphy and glitter and everything, and wave it at him when he gets started. Accept nothing less than a fiver being stuffed in it.

TitaniumTess · 07/11/2021 06:57

I am a female working in engineering so have seen quite a lot of this....

I either make it super clear that I know what I am talking about or..

I do the opposite.....with lots of sarcasm..e.g. can you explain that again to me please? I am not getting it.....can you tell me what a laptop actually is....is it this rectangular black thing....? Right I think I have got the first bit of this......!' Etc. Let me just check again....etc...

The latter tends to work quite well I've found. ! :)

FabulousMrFifty · 07/11/2021 07:32

I think Communication styles are explained well in the guardian, but I’m probably mansplaining that.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jun/06/is-the-term-mansplaining-sexist-google-autocomplete

AnotherOldGeezer · 07/11/2021 07:54

Some more mansplaining ...

Please be kind

Sarcasm is not nice in an intimate relationship. I always regret it when I am sarcastic with my DW

znaika · 07/11/2021 07:58

The thing is it doesn't get better. This is a work situation not a relationship but I have this dickhead I work with who cannot mansplain to me because I'm obviously much more senior with more experience.
But what the cretinous little fucker does is get his phone out to check any facts I say hoping to catch me out. What a dick!!!! Never once caught me though, you'd think he'd learn.

muldersspeedos · 07/11/2021 08:02
Grin
DogsWithJobs · 07/11/2021 08:02

Did you just tell women to "be kind" to men who treat them like idiot subordinates?

Swipe left for the next trending thread