Is there a cure for mansplaining?

[PissyMum]

I’ve been with boyfriend for about 18 months. We get on really well and have a really good laugh and amazing sex. I’m starting to be driven round the bend by his constant mansplaining though. I only really noticed him doing it about a month ago when he decided to explain the actual meaning of my favourite book that I’d lent him, which he’d never heard of until I lent it to him.

Now the scales have slipped from my eyes I can’t believe I didn’t see how often he does it earlier. I think I’d possibly dismissed it as he is a proper intellectual and a world expert in the field of science that he works in. I don’t have a degree as I dropped out of uni but I read loads, keep up with current affairs etc and can generally hold my own in conversations with most people. I thought that maybe he thought I was a bit dumber than I am or possibly because I’m over a decade younger than him that I dismissed it to begin with. Now he knows me properly he clearly still thinks I’m an idiot though. I can tell when he’s going to start a long winded explanation as even if I say “yes, I know that” it’s almost as if he hadn’t heard me and he just can’t stop himself from continuing in his lecture.

Do you think if I sat him down and really clearly explained how shit it makes me feel that he might actually stop doing it? Or am I flogging a dead horse? He’s late 40’s so I’m guessing it’s probably too late to change now.

@ArdeaCinerea

Tbh in my experience most men engage in mansplaining to some degree, because they are socialised to believe they're smarter and more knowledgeable than they actually are- that's just the world we live in.

The difference is in how they react when you point it out. I do it jokingly and lightheartedly at first. The guys who get it and can laugh at themselves are keepers. Those who get pissy and dig their heels in, still claiming they know better than you: throw away the entire man.

Well, your first paragraph is perfectly true, but given that women are still socialised to present as less clever than men, to be smiley, not to dominate the conversation etc and I still see this on here frequently, on 'dating advice' threads, which not infrequently concentrate on 'things an OP may be doing to put off potential boyfriends like being clever, high-earning and successful if we can regard that socialisation as sexist and retrograde, surely it's not outside the bounds of possibility for men to do the same.

I mean, I'm not going to go to the effort to be charming and light-hearted in pointing out someone's internalised misogyny.

My brother mansplained to me that mansplaining isn't a thing, that I'm a misandrist, and that he's actually a feminist. Whilst looming over me and gritting his teeth.

I think, though, that some PPs are right. I should listen meekly to him, and perhaps I would learn something.

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch

My brother mansplained to me that mansplaining isn't a thing, that I'm a misandrist, and that he's actually a feminist. Whilst looming over me and gritting his teeth.

I think, though, that some PPs are right. I should listen meekly to him, and perhaps I would learn something.

Perhaps you should. Or perhaps a swift kick to whichever shin is nearest would help shunt his thoughts onto newer, more productive channels.

@immersivereader

The other day DH didn't believe me that our neighbour used to have a Volkswagen Golf. I said, he definitely had a Golf. No, it was a Passat said DH. He had to check with DS (7), what car did the neighbour have before their new one???

You guessed it.

A fucking GOLF.

Wanker

I'm interested - did he believe it once a male (albeit a 7 yr old one) had confirmed it?

@TitaniumTess, omg me too. Love your tips :-)

@Megalameg

“Mansplaining” “nagging” “bitching” - all gendered terms which are insulting. If you want to say the word “nagging” is misogynistic and shouldn’t be allowed but then use a term like “mansplaining” like it’s a righteous act of empowerment take a look at yourself.

You can’t expect to use gendered terms against men then turn round and try to say theyre misogynistic and bad when they do the same to you. I know posters here will say there’s a difference - there’s not. And for the record I don’t care about any of those terms being used.

Forgive me for explaining but in case you didn't know, those three words derive from:

Bitch - a derogatory term for a woman
Nag - a derogatory term for a woman
Man - a man

So, go on then - do please explain why the term 'mansplaining' is insulting.

Eugh! ExH mansplained what had been causing the damp around the chimney breast, and how it was fixed. I know dear, I fixed it!

I used to get really annoyed by mansplaining, and it's very strong implication that you couldn't possibly be smart enough to understand the topic without it being explained. Now I try to treat it as if they are going back over something to better understand it themselves. Bright encouraging smile, and replying "yes, that's correct. Mmhmm, yes. Yes that's right, well done" If they get confused or offended and try to tell me they were explaining it to me, I just say "Oh! Sorry. Why on earth do you think I wouldn't know that already?"

There's no cure. If I complain to the mansplainer that he is mansplaining, then he mansplains to me that he is not mansplaining.

Saving up for a new patio.

@Svalberg

I find saying 'Stop fucking mansplaining' works

Definitely love this!

DP sort of does it by always, always giving me an alternative to what I have just said I'm going to do. I'll say I'm going to fix x problem by doing a, b, c. He will always, and immediately say. 'I'd do d, e, f because....' cue 5 min explanation that I grit my teeth through because there is already a good reason why I have rejected d, e and f in favour of a, b, c. It never seems to occur to him that I might have already thought it through. I do call him on it though and he is slowly improving.
I also agree that mansplaining is not equivalent to nagging. Nagging is a gaslighing term designed to stop women asking men to do their fair share. Mansplaining is a specific term to describe a behaviour when MEN do it, as opposed to teens or whatever.

I had a man explain breastfeeding to me while I was nursing my child recently. He called it "suckling the teat" btw, not breastfeeding. It was great.

DP does this ALOT. Its only really very recently hes started doing it more and more. Usually I patiently listen, but honestly I'm getting a bit hacked off now.
A few times, if the mansplain has been spectacularly odd, I'll reply with sarcasm. Yesterday for example, very busy day, cooked a lovely roast dinner (DP has never cooked an entire roast in his life by the way, let alone a roast potato). It was a case of 'thanks for explaining DP, I really had no idea, Honestly though, I had NO IDEA how to make the best roast potatoes until now. Lard hey? who knew (whilst very obvioulsy putting the lard back in the fridge).'
Its jesting and he did realise what hes just actually said and apologised. maybe its sinking in?

But if theres any other suggestions i'll try them out on him later and report back, as theres bound to be a mansplain delight at some point before bedtime. Its literally a daily occurance now.

@HugeAckmansWife

So nagging when describing something women are doing (but not when men do it?) is “bad” gaslighting word that’s abusive, but mansplaining is “good” accurate empowering word to use about and to men?
Yes there’s no gender bias at play here at all.
Righto.

[quote Megalameg]@HugeAckmansWife

So nagging when describing something women are doing (but not when men do it?) is “bad” gaslighting word that’s abusive, but mansplaining is “good” accurate empowering word to use about and to men?
Yes there’s no gender bias at play here at all.
Righto.[/quote]
Nagging and mansplaining are both used to describe situations in which men are attempting to gain the upper hand over women, either by shutting them down, or by talking to them as if they are idiots.

So there very much is a gender bias. It is called the patriarchy.

supremelybaffled I'm hi-fiving you for that

Hear hear, @supremelybaffled.

@BookFiend4Life, I had a first year medical student mansplain the menstrual cycle to a bunch of women back when we were all undergraduates. He had his supercilious white-coated ass handed to him.

The lack of self-awareness is astounding as is the expectation that everyone will be happy to hear what they have to say.

Thank you supremelybaffled. You explained it better (are you a man 😂😂😂)?

@HugeAckmansWife How very dare you??!!

Lol at gender bias. The poor, poor menz.

And yet, mansplaining can also easily be described as a situation where women attempt to shut men down with a word and I’m sure is by some men. So we have some women who insist mansplaining is a real problem and some men who say nagging is and some who say they’re both a way to shut the other sex down. The incredible coincidence is that the people who say these things tend to be one gender or the other (but no gender in bias is at play of course right?)

So what rationally is the answer? Oh of course, the patriarchy. Simply write that word and it explains evvverything (to people who agree with you already lol).

So so much difference between men explaining fully believing they know best and you doing the same now. So much.

Why is the word nagging even being brought into this? It's not relevant in this context. It's used when describing someone harassing someone else to get something done. It has nothing to do with someone trying to explain something to someone. It's not the female equivalent of mansplaining because it's got nothing to do with explaining stuff. And it's a gender neutral term anyway. My male boss nags me all the time. Can we never call out negative behaviour from large cohorts of men in case it offends the men?

So so much difference between men explaining fully believing they know best and you doing the same now. So much.

Yes, there is a huge difference. But I won't patronise you by telling you what it is.

@Megalameg

Nagging and mansplaining are both used to describe situations in which men are attempting to gain the upper hand over women, either by shutting them down, or by talking to them as if they are idiots.

Do you really not understand this explanation that a PP shared with you? Surely it's not difficult to comprehend?

Would you like a man to explain it to you?

I wrote that. I don’t have a problem with the term “mansplaining” - it is often accurate and sometimes funny, but then I don’t think “mansplaining” itself is a deadly sin either. The problem is acting as though men using gendered language - “nagging” etc. is some terrible hate crime but when mansplaining or whatever language is used about men its totally justified and righteous. It’s unbelievably biased thinking and you can’t expect men to take you seriously believing things like that.
So no wonder some pp here are hearing a lot of mansplaining if that’s the attitude they take toward men.