What do you think -age and distance?

[Huggey]

Interested in others views on my relationship. As now making plans for the future and commitment.

I'm early 40s with 2 young kids. He's early 60s with 4 grown-up kids. He lives a couple of hours away by car.

The age difference does concern me. Less so now but in 10 years plus. The distance works ok, he generally comes down to ours at the weekend or we go up to his.

We've spoken of marriage (will be 2nd for both). His idea is to move in with us, reduce days worked and commute the other days. For many reasons I'd prefer to sell both our houses and buy a new one together. He wants to rent his out and keep as an inheritance for his kids, rent to pay the bills and extra money for us all. I also want my kids to inherit our house and have this set-up for both sets of kids and understand death of either we'd need to sell up.

How long have you been together?

I think age would be factor me, in 5 years he will be at a different life stage compared to you, pension when you're just 50. I can't being on OLD and setting a 20 year age preference

The distance isn't an issue except you want to live together so big decisions. He is very sensible to not sell as jointly owning means if anything happened to him how would his children inherit. I imagine he might want to keep the property in their names?? If you marry won't your house be at risk?

I really don't think marriage works when there are children and inheritance and he has to consider his dc, as is older.

If you want to live together, try the living together in your house. See if he is prepared to contribute fairly and take it from there. Why marry and buy together?

If the house isn't big enough, could you buy solo (after a trial period of living together) and him contribute. That way you both get to keep financial independence so inheritance isn't an issue.

How long have you been together?
How did you meet?
Why would a 60+ man want to be around your young children? (not so much the perv factor, but the life stage factor.)

We've been in a relationship just over a year.

He's suggested marriage, it wasn't really something I had considered.

He's prepared to more than contribute fairly and offered to pay all bills, food and outgoings. He's traditional, which does mean whilst he'd happily pay for everything he wouldn't be cooking and cleaning.

I'd want to buy together to start afresh and pooling resources could buy a bigger house. I don't think it'd work him having to live in our house, moving into our home and life. Then just practicalities of all his things and furniture etc.

He has said he loves children and even talked of us having a baby.

@Huggey, a year is way too soon to consider marriage. Children turn into teens and then young adults and he will be in his 70s by then. It's extremely challenging being a step parent and most people haven't a clue what it involves until they live with it day to day.

My strong advice, do not consider buying together until you have lived together for a good while and I wouldn't even consider changing anything until you have known him 2 years.

A solution is that you rent both houses and rent together as a trial. Try that for several years. Him moving in with you is however a more sensible option and he can store his furniture or rent his place furnished.

It feels so rushed. How old are your children?

I wouldn't marry if you both want to keep separate inheritances for your dc.

You're admittedly likely to outlive him, but even so.

And a baby? Really?

My kids are primary school ages.

I hadn't really thought about inheritance until he mentioned it and of course I want to leave my house (or share) to my kids.

A baby I like the idea of but reality probably not, especially with ages.

I know of a couple when I was having dd. The lady was pregnant with her first. He had older kids. She was in her 40's and him in his 60's. They're a lovely couple and he's a great dad. Just to give a different perspective

My kids are primary school ages

So you have at least 10 years with children at home, could be 15 years. By that time he is likely to have grandchildren.

He will want his children to inherit which couldn't happen if you married and outlived him.

A 2nd marriage isn't like the first, you can't have traditional path of date, engagement, wedding because there are 6 children who have to be accounted for.

The age gap is too big . He will be slowing down at his age - it is inevitable . A baby - forget it never mind the rest of the stuff about inheritance .

20 years is a big age difference.
How do you feel about possibly being a carer while still raising your own DC?

How often do you actually see each other since you live 2 hours apart?

He has said he loves children and even talked of us having a baby.

I suspect he is saying what he thinks you want to hear.

There os no happy ending in this relationship for you OP, you will just start getting some freedom as your kids grow but you will be restricted in what you can do with your partner

I agree with @Eltonsglasses; the age gap is too big. I'm mid 50s, there's no way I'd want to be with someone 20 tears older - the gap probably doesn't show too much now but give it 10 or 15 years and it will.

How do you feel about him deciding he doesn't cook or clean? Do you find that acceptable?

He's traditional, which does mean whilst he'd happily pay for everything he wouldn't be cooking and cleaning.

So he's a misogynist? Not a great potential role model for your kids is he?

You want to become an old man’s maid

He's traditional , you mean a sexist lazy relic from the past. So you're expected to cook and clean for him too, and probably even when he's retired becaus to his mind it's 'womens work'. Some traditions are best left to die out.No way in hell would I move in with a man with that attitude.
Does he pay a cleaner while living by himself?

6 children between you?
That's enough surely?

2 hours word be too far for me tbh.
I'd get very bored and sock to death of travelling and organising visits and shite.

The age would also bother me a bit.
You'll be waiting to become his carer for the nest 10, 15, 20 years.

He's traditional, which does mean whilst he'd happily pay for everything he wouldn't be cooking and cleaning
Oh goody, so he'll sit and do fuck all and you do everything, that won't become tiresome quickly.

It'd be a huge no from me I'm afraid.

He's traditional, which does mean whilst he'd happily pay for everything he wouldn't be cooking and cleaning

OP do you really want your kids to grow up thinking that cooking and cleaning is women's work? Surely not?

So he will be retiring while your children are still quite young? There are a lot of grandparents younger than him. He isn't going to play a parental role by cooking and cleaning then? To be honest I really wouldn't do this. I think at that distance you don't have the chance to get to know each other really really well before moving in.

Also he's a generation older than you. Just thought of him talking about having children seems incredibly arrogant and actually quite ridiculous.

I am sure he is a nice guy and I am also sure that he thinks he's landed on his feet finding someone two decades younger than him. Ask him if he would go out with somebody in their mid 80s.

That is the age difference between him and you.

And listen to radio 4's money box that was on today. It was talking about pensions with a huge age gap. It wasn't good news for the younger person.

No on all counts, age, distance, inheritance, baby, the whole lot.

I quite like how things work, I do things with my kids, we're active and we get our time, just the three of us. We're independent and I don't want everything we do to include him and he simply can't do all the things we can.

I also don't plan on him parenting my kids. I don't believe he does either, he doesn't get involved other than to occasionally back me up.

With being a carer, yes, this is a concern. Life is busy enough with kids and work. However, I don't know how life will progress and how I will age. I also have the menopause within the next decade.

He's not misogynistic but yes sexist. The cooking and cleaning I do now. He outsources it. Living together, I would either continue to do it and save the money he puts to household costs or outsource it. I see it as a division of labour.

I do shudder slightly at other sexist things (He likes dresses/short skirts etc. Understands jeans etc. sometimes required. But yes, likes that look, hair, make-up and looking nice. Plus most interested in time made for him in the evening/night).

I like that he is honest about it. I have wanted an equal and have often found men fake this when essentially they too are sexist and have the same views/preferences as him.

I see things very seperate, myself and kids as we are. Him around more for myself.
Maybe just for now and not the future.

Christ no. I wouldn't even entertain any kind of relationship with someone who is sexist. Why are you settling for a man like this? What are you teaching your dc about relationships? No, just no.

I can see why he seems keen but don't understand what's in this for you or your kids. Your latest post makes him sound even worse.