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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you think -age and distance?

113 replies

Huggey · 06/11/2021 16:32

Interested in others views on my relationship. As now making plans for the future and commitment.

I'm early 40s with 2 young kids. He's early 60s with 4 grown-up kids. He lives a couple of hours away by car.

The age difference does concern me. Less so now but in 10 years plus. The distance works ok, he generally comes down to ours at the weekend or we go up to his.

We've spoken of marriage (will be 2nd for both). His idea is to move in with us, reduce days worked and commute the other days. For many reasons I'd prefer to sell both our houses and buy a new one together. He wants to rent his out and keep as an inheritance for his kids, rent to pay the bills and extra money for us all. I also want my kids to inherit our house and have this set-up for both sets of kids and understand death of either we'd need to sell up.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/11/2021 13:30

@thenewduchessofhastings

Is it possible to rent out both your houses and buy one together?

If you get married a pre nuptial agreement to keep your separate assets separate and an agreement to split everything you own together 50/50 if the event of divorce.He needs an airtight will to ensure you inherit your joint assets.

If he currently outsources cleaning and cooking surely he can continue to do that if you live together.If he won't clean he can pay for a cleaner to reduce the amount of cleaning you have to do.Won't cook?;he can take you all out for a weekly meal to give you a night off from cooking and washing up.I'd say that's fair.

There is so much wrong with this, I don't know where to start.

Do you think one meal out a week could "pay" for having to cook every other day of the week? Really?

He can pay for a cleaner to reduce the amount of cleaning the OP has to do - so he refuses to clean and then pays another woman for a couple of hours' cleaning and expects the OP to do the rest? And you think that's fine? Is the cleaner meant to live with them and clean up every mess he makes?

You suggest they buy a house together. That makes the OP incredibly vulnerable. If she wants a divorce, she'd have to sell up and move - possibly moving the children from their school. If he dies, then presumably his own children would want their share of their inheritance.

I think we ought to support women in making themselves less vulnerable - your advice would make her more vulnerable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2021 13:31

"He's heading to retirement age and probably doesn't want to spend his pension on a cleaner and takeaways. So he gets a younger woman instead".

And someone at that also with too low boundaries. He really did hit the jackpot here when he met the OP and I have no doubt she was targeted by him. His actions towards here since show him testing her boundaries and finding them wanting.

What do you get out of this relationship now OP?. Is he really better than being on your own, not that you are anyway because you are a parent. Is this man really the person you want to shoehorn into their lives long term?.

CheddarGorgeous · 07/11/2021 13:45

@Eltonsglasses

He has said he loves children and even talked of us having a baby.

I suspect he is saying what he thinks you want to hear.

There os no happy ending in this relationship for you OP, you will just start getting some freedom as your kids grow but you will be restricted in what you can do with your partner

I beg to differ. I have a large age gap relationship, we had a baby together and decades later we're still very happy

OP - no one can advise you on your relationship, although it's a good idea to take it slow and not make any irreversible decisions quickly. Get good, professional financial and legal advice regarding assets and inheritance.

Eltonsglasses · 07/11/2021 13:49

I beg to differ. I have a large age gap relationship, we had a baby together and decades later we're still very happy

Im in the same position, with more DC, so you don't differ so much. I wasn't talking about my personal situation though, I was talking about OP and her specific situation. This man will restrict her.

FissionMailed · 07/11/2021 13:58

I beg to differ. I have a large age gap relationship, we had a baby together and decades later we're still very happy

That's good for.you and your situation.
In OPs situation, decades later, her partner will likely be stone cold dead... Or needing round the clock arse wiping.

CheddarGorgeous · 07/11/2021 13:59

@Eltonsglasses I don't disagree that he's not being painted in a very good light but really? On the basis on a handful of posts you can be that certain?

I'm almost certain that if I asked for advice 20 years ago Mumsnet would have screamed at me to run away yet here we are, very happy.

Eltonsglasses · 07/11/2021 14:01

[quote CheddarGorgeous]@Eltonsglasses I don't disagree that he's not being painted in a very good light but really? On the basis on a handful of posts you can be that certain?

I'm almost certain that if I asked for advice 20 years ago Mumsnet would have screamed at me to run away yet here we are, very happy.[/quote]

Nobody can be certain but the whole point of OP asking was to get petiole opinions. You don't agree with me because you are defending your own situation. In spite of my own age gap I can see there is no happy ending for OP.

MyButteredBread · 07/11/2021 14:04

My partner is 10 years older than me, so I'm not without experience with this topic, either.

If OP was dating an older man whose behaviour indicated he respected women, and women's boundaries, this would be a different conversation.

HollowTalk · 07/11/2021 14:21

@CheddarGorgeous You should listen to Radio 4's Money Box about pensions if there's a big age gap.

CheddarGorgeous · 07/11/2021 14:25

[quote HollowTalk]@CheddarGorgeous You should listen to Radio 4's Money Box about pensions if there's a big age gap.[/quote]

Thanks, will do, although we have both been lucky in that we have / had careers with final salary schemes so we are well provided for.

HollowTalk · 07/11/2021 15:18

That's great. I was listening to it and they were saying some pension providers have a clause in very small print which is that if there's more than a 10 year difference, then the remaining spouse loses a small percentage per year of their partner's pension. So they might think they were entitled to 50% but find they only got 30% - the problem seems to be in people not realising this before their spouse dies.

rattlemehearties · 07/11/2021 15:26

I've read all your posts OP. Can't work out what you gain by him moving in with you? Put your kids first and keep him out of your happy household. Why not carrying on the fun part of dating.... Outside the home.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 07/11/2021 16:42

I see your future with caretaking your children - one a toddler (his) - caretaking the house - because he won't or can't and decided not to pay to outsource it since you can do it for free AND the obvious one - caretaking him in his old age. And when he passes, his assets go to his children - not to you, the one who did his caretaking.

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