What do you think -age and distance?

[Huggey]

Interested in others views on my relationship. As now making plans for the future and commitment.

I'm early 40s with 2 young kids. He's early 60s with 4 grown-up kids. He lives a couple of hours away by car.

The age difference does concern me. Less so now but in 10 years plus. The distance works ok, he generally comes down to ours at the weekend or we go up to his.

We've spoken of marriage (will be 2nd for both). His idea is to move in with us, reduce days worked and commute the other days. For many reasons I'd prefer to sell both our houses and buy a new one together. He wants to rent his out and keep as an inheritance for his kids, rent to pay the bills and extra money for us all. I also want my kids to inherit our house and have this set-up for both sets of kids and understand death of either we'd need to sell up.

@Robin233

I like a traditional dh but mini skirts and heels at 40? I'd feel slightly uncomfortable.

So don't wear them.

You're confusing 'tradtional' with old fashioned misogynist. He's too young to be 'traditional' in the way you mean.

“He wouldn’t be doing cooking and cleaning”

I presume he doesn’t have any arms. Poor man.

Or he’s a twat.

And he “prefers short skirts and heels”.

Ooo, a bigger twat.

He doesn't dictate what I wear but I know he does prefer short skirts and heels type.

God he sounds like a right old perv. This sentence made me feel a bit sick. And you want to move this sexist man into a house with your young children?

A man of that age wants looking after. I know because my dad is in his sixties and has a woman 15 years younger. When I speak to him, he always talks about "how well she looks after him". Meaning, he gets to be lazy and she runs around doing everything.

You will end up being his housekeeper and maid.

He doesn't do housework, and he prefers short skirts and heels? Sounds like a mail order bride would suit him well.

I'd also be cautious about having a baby with someone in their 60s. Recent research has shown that older men have children with more mental health issues such as autism and schizophrenia. Sperm degrades after the age of 35. You could have a disabled child, which is a huge stress on top of an ageing husband.

It's complicated isn't it? I think him renting his house out is a good idea at least initially so if it doesn't work out after a few months he can return there, don't marry initially, try before you buy! The age difference is substantial so you need to anticipate that you might in your mid 70's be caring for him or be a widow - that said it's not a dealbreaker, just be realistic.

You both need iron tight wills. In our case we own together and we have life time interest but our 50% is owned by our dc. Interestingly when we explained the arrangements to the kids his dd (early 20's) askec me if anything happened to her dad could she still live with me because she prefers it to her mums, so sweet. Dp has left me money in his will to help pay for house costs etc

Old mysogynistic twat.
He's not traditional . He believes women are beneath him, inferior.

How do you feel about that?

You didn't say if you had a DD but do you really want your DC around someone who believes women are inferior and their main purpose is to serve men?

It does look like he's mainly looking for someone to take care of him. Bangmaid.

As PP has said you really don't know him all that well.

I've been thinking about this whilst washing up... Rock and roll Sunday morning..

Does anyone else feel like this 'man' is testing OPs boundaries and pushing just to see what the OP will accept before she runs?

"I won't do cleaning"
Op has accepted that and not left. He's won that one. Now any time in the future if op gets annoyed he can literally just say,
"I told you what I was like" and OP can't reply to that.

Same as cooking.
He's laid that foundation, pushed OPs boundary and op accepts it so he's won that one. Now he can't be asked to cook in the future because op knew what he was like...

Same as skirts / dresses / heels.
That's another little test hes won. When op wears jeans or joggers and crocs and he goes moody..
well she knew what he liked her to wear so it's her fault he's unhappy.

Same as time with him.
He likes being focus of attentions and op knew that, yet another boundary hes pushed on and OP has accepted it.

And even the advice..
Op asks him about stuff he gives her advice and she follows it. In his head, he's won there too, Op is pliable and will follow orders.

So on and so on.

I wonder though, and OP you can answer any of this or none, but I hope you think about it.. have you said no? pushed back a little? and that's when the future fakery started to begin?
Showing signs of doubt or leaving will cause him to react by 'reeling' you in with promises and generosity.

Right now, as the other poster said, you're 3.5months in, this is still the time for faked best behaviour. It sounds like his best behaviour, by most standards, is shitty, but you've accepted his rules, he's on a winner here. A woman much younger and accepting of his rules as long as he talks a bit of bullshit about the future.

Removing the age questions (although I’m nearly his age and my mum is now 80, no way I’d want that) he’s showing signs of classic abuser. The wanting you to wear specific clothes is checking your boundaries, something smallish to start with, the sexist views are so you can’t complain later ‘I told you what I’m like’ and the marriage and kids are to get you dependent and in a position where your options are limited. Really I wouldn’t even keep him as a ‘for now’. However, if you are determined, do not do anything for at least another two years. Generally they can’t keep up the nice facade for much over 2 years so keep your options wide open

Cross posted with @FissionMailed

You'd be batshit crazy to even consider this. I know without doubt some men in 60s onwards want someone for the future to do the housework and look after them and this guy has already told you that. He hires in help, and doesn't wash up.

I remember in my family, an Aunt was widowed at 60something. Immediately all these older widowed blokes were buzzing around because they wanted someone to look after them, like their dead wife did.

A 20 year age gap at your age is a lot. I can't imagine what he'd bring to your life.

I'm not planning on giving up our independence, the kids and I will still do all the things we currently do and I plan to continue with my career

But you want to buy together so would lose your independence as it's not easy or cheap to sell a joint home. When he retires will he be at home all the time and just potter around in the day whilst you work..when you get in will you have to do all the housework??

It really doesn't sound like a great life. Keep dating but if you want longterm I don't think he is right for you.

I'm a lot nearer his age than yours and I wouldn't accept the lack of cooking and cleaning. The men I know of that age do get involved, and all very much so with their kids. And they don't require their wives / partners to wear skirts and high heels.

I wouldn't marry again in the circumstances you describe and certainly not after a year of dating long distance.

And to me, 20 years older is far too close to my dad's age, but to be fair, I've never gone for older men.

If I were you, I'd keep dating him and wouldn't combine homes. Enjoy the good times and don't let him become part of your domestic set up. If he doesn't parent your kids, that will cause tension, and if he does, that will most likely cause tension too. Even long established parent partnerships can clash over parenting of their own children, especially when they become teens.

Slow it all down and stay as you are, is my advice.

He sounds opinionated and old fashioned (far older than his years, tbh.) Can you imagine him living with your teenagers when he's in his 70s? He will be wanting to enjoy his retirement and they will irritate him. Don't imagine you're going to have someone to share the load - he won't even do the dishes, ffs.

OK, so I don't agree with people making judgements on folk they don't actually know, and think it can get the OP's back up to the point that the constructive bit is ignored.

OP what you want to put up with is your decision and a decision that should also be baeed on your children. If it works for you, it works for you.

However, my dad was nearly 20 years older than his last wife. He's now advanced with dementia in his 70s and she's spending her 50s with him in a home and her trying to visit, work, look after her kids and grand kids and try to ignore the fact that he gets confused as to which wife she is. She takes him out for the day and she needs to clean up after him. She loves him and he loves her, but it's no life to live. I can't fault the way she's trying but don't envy her for one moment

It was getting retired that didn’t work for us as he had nothing to do so he wanted to have fun, go on holidays, go out and I couldn’t as I was working full time, tired at the time he wanted to have fun and with a child in school, I couldn’t just jet off abroad as often as he planned.

He will feel you are pulling him back, you will feel as if you have an extra person to entertain.

Realising he was going to be in his eighties by the time I retired was also a key point, after putting my child first all the time and raising him practically on my own, the last thing that I wanted was to get to the point of retirement just to become a carer again.

@FissionMailed

I've been thinking about this whilst washing up... Rock and roll Sunday morning..

Does anyone else feel like this 'man' is testing OPs boundaries and pushing just to see what the OP will accept before she runs?

"I won't do cleaning"
Op has accepted that and not left. He's won that one. Now any time in the future if op gets annoyed he can literally just say,
"I told you what I was like" and OP can't reply to that.

Same as cooking.
He's laid that foundation, pushed OPs boundary and op accepts it so he's won that one. Now he can't be asked to cook in the future because op knew what he was like...

Same as skirts / dresses / heels.
That's another little test hes won. When op wears jeans or joggers and crocs and he goes moody..
well she knew what he liked her to wear so it's her fault he's unhappy.

Same as time with him.
He likes being focus of attentions and op knew that, yet another boundary hes pushed on and OP has accepted it.

And even the advice..
Op asks him about stuff he gives her advice and she follows it. In his head, he's won there too, Op is pliable and will follow orders.

So on and so on.

I wonder though, and OP you can answer any of this or none, but I hope you think about it.. have you said no? pushed back a little? and that's when the future fakery started to begin?
Showing signs of doubt or leaving will cause him to react by 'reeling' you in with promises and generosity.

Right now, as the other poster said, you're 3.5months in, this is still the time for faked best behaviour. It sounds like his best behaviour, by most standards, is shitty, but you've accepted his rules, he's on a winner here. A woman much younger and accepting of his rules as long as he talks a bit of bullshit about the future.

This, 100%.

OP, just keep things as they are. Have a good time keep it light. You said you were interested in the future if this relationship, where it will progress. You already know - he will be retired and not lifting a finger to help run a busy household. He's already told you this.

The cooking and cleaning he hasn't said he won't do it but living alone I'm aware he outsources it. I do it for the kids and myself and have no interest in getting in the competitive and arguing cycle around housework so would continue as I am currently doing it, I don't see any extra work. Equally no extra help though he's happy to pay for it to be outsourced.

I don't believe he is controlling. He likes a certain look with women and that visual thing doesn't paint him in a good light.

I've often said no, mostly around him wanting to come down when we already have plans. He's not been happy, I've stated he's been made aware in advance of our plans. I then continue with them and he accepts them. (There was one week in the Spring when he first took offence, I didn't hear from him over the half-term, he ignored the odd message/call from myself so I gave-up, felt sad things had ended but accepted it. He then contacted me, apologised and since when he has wanted to see us when we've had other plans has accepted them).

With age it's likely he'll be ill 1st but then I don't know what will happen to myself in 10, 20 years etc.

He was married for over 20 years. They divorced over 5 years ago. His ex-wife remarried, the man she was having an affair with. He stayed single for several years, dated last few years.

He runs his own business and his sons work for him. He plans to hand things over to them when he retires but I don't think will ever fully retire. The business will be his pension and he is ex military so has a pension there.

That's about as much as I know with his previous life and practicalities.

I would think very very seriously about marrying a man 20 years your senior.

The fact he’s suggested marriage after a year and is suggesting a baby (!!) indicates he’s trying to recapture lost youth etc.

I’d absolutely put any moves or changes on ice for 2 years.

He IS Controlling. Your last post proves that. Why would you bring a man like this o to the lives of you dc? He knows you'll forgive him even when he treats you like shit by giving you the silent treatment. You are showing him you are willing to compromise yourself to be with him. And you're showing your dc that too. He's not a good man.

Can't you have a relationship with him without living with him, then he has to cook his own meals.

I think a 20 year gap is too much. But everyone is different. When you are 60 he will be 80.