What do you think -age and distance?

[Huggey]

Interested in others views on my relationship. As now making plans for the future and commitment.

I'm early 40s with 2 young kids. He's early 60s with 4 grown-up kids. He lives a couple of hours away by car.

The age difference does concern me. Less so now but in 10 years plus. The distance works ok, he generally comes down to ours at the weekend or we go up to his.

We've spoken of marriage (will be 2nd for both). His idea is to move in with us, reduce days worked and commute the other days. For many reasons I'd prefer to sell both our houses and buy a new one together. He wants to rent his out and keep as an inheritance for his kids, rent to pay the bills and extra money for us all. I also want my kids to inherit our house and have this set-up for both sets of kids and understand death of either we'd need to sell up.

Of coursenitnwill ve extra work, cleaning after a fully grown adult. And then eventually teens, who will be perfectly aware that mum is happy to clean up after a fully grown adult, so why should they do chores? They won't, is the answer.

The silent treatment is very much a tactic used by controlling people.

OP, those of us urging caution aren't man-haters. We have the benefit of no emotional attachment to your situation, so have a bit of clarity. Often we've been in relationships with similar dynamics and have learned through painful experience.

But at any rate, why rush into marriage? Why live with someone who you already know from the outset will not be your equal partner and who will not help with cooking, cleaning or parenting? You've said this, not us. You know already what kind of man he is. Don't marry him or live with him. Enjoy your life as it is.

A man would only have to get arsey and ignore me for having plans once and he'd be history. Because he will do it again, of course he will.

As for the housework, he isn't even trying to help. He'll just sit on his arse doing nothing whilst you run the house.

Your last post is defending him, no idea why.

I think he's suggested a baby to trap you. Then it's harder for you to leave. It makes no odds to him as I'm sure he won't be doing any house/baby labour, being 'traditional'. He thinks he's better than you (and all women). How can you think this is okay. Why do you want to service an aging man? What are you showing your children about the worth of women?

There was one week in the Spring when he first took offence, I didn't hear from him over the half-term, he ignored the odd message/call from myself so I gave-up, felt sad things had ended but accepted it. He then contacted me

So he tested your boundary.
You refused...

He had a tantrum, refused to reply you kept reaching out, he ignored you.. made.you feel bad for his behaviour, made you feel sad about him ghosting you...
Then just apologises...

That's another win for him. That little "shit test" right there tells most people all they'd need to know. He's treated you like shit, you've just accepted it, now he can fuck off for a week whenever he fancies and he knows an apology will get him back in no problem.

Come on OP...
you're not 20 years old now, you know this isn't right, you know hes not a nice person and that he is manipulating you to accept his poor behaviour. You must know this, surely?

He thinks he's better than you (and all women). How can you think this is okay. Why do you want to service an aging man? What are you showing your children about the worth of women?

Can you see this OP? Your poor kids would be getting some really shitty role modelling.

Op if he is open about being sexist af it doesn't mean he is an open person, it means the shit he does keep secret is extra specially grim. It also sounds like he is 'future faking' you. The common behaviour of a narcissist (npd) or similar. So make sure you know how to spot that sort of ppl just incase.

Do not move in with this man. If you must, choose rented accommodation with him with a lease no longer than 12 months. Trial living with him.

No we were away for the week and he wanted to come down. We've since been busy or away at weekends and he's now just accepted it.

Would you be his 3rd marriage?

"The cooking and cleaning he hasn't said he won't do it but living alone I'm aware he outsources it. I do it for the kids and myself and have no interest in getting in the competitive and arguing cycle around housework so would continue as I am currently doing it, I don't see any extra work."

Wait. If he has to outsource his cooking/cleaning, how do you not see any extra work for yourself if he moves in with you and stops outsourcing it? I mean SOMEONE has do do it. Why do you think adding an extra adult to the household who doesn't do their own cleaning and cooking doesn't mean extra work for ... someone (you, probably). And how great for him that you won't argue about it (ask him to do his fair share).
Wake up!

Same age
Also two primary children
Also single parent

Why the Fu@k are you doing this? Your poor children

No, both have been married only once before.

Why are my kids the 'poor children'? Currently their Mum has a friend around mostly weekends. He'll chat/play/read with them. Their lives are otherwise the same with our usual interests and activities.

@Huggey

No, both have been married only once before.

Why are my kids the 'poor children'? Currently their Mum has a friend around mostly weekends. He'll chat/play/read with them. Their lives are otherwise the same with our usual interests and activities.

Yes and after a few months of knowing him (you say you’ve been seeing a year, I’ll give benefit of the doubt that you waited before introducing) this “friend” will be in their home, sharing their bathroom, dining table. All the flipping time.

Well you do whatever you so desire OP.

Just think to yourself how your future will pan out.

You pick this awful jack ass.
What people here have said happens and he shows his true colours.
Your kids grow up in his shadow and end up resenting you.
You live for years with his judgement, walking on eggshells, doing everything around the house, managing His behaviour to avoid his moods and then Mr Wonderful Ghosting Manipulative Sexist Douche drops dead..
You're now approaching 60,
You're alone
Your kids resent you for the last horrible years you've chosen to inflict on them.

Is that really a future worth risking?
Of all the millions upon millions of men in the world, is this one worth that risk really? Do you think so little of yourself you would rather risk that future than be alone?

Of all the things you’ve posted, the comment about having a baby is the one that stands out for me.

It’s very incongruous for a man in his 60s to suggest something like that. He’s either shockingly selfish (he would be in his 80s before his child finishes school) or manipulative (and stereotyping you as a middle aged woman with a loud biological clock).

Why are my kids the 'poor children'?

Because it's sad for any kids to grow up watching a mum have a sexist boyfriend.

@FissionMailed

Well you do whatever you so desire OP.

Just think to yourself how your future will pan out.

You pick this awful jack ass.
What people here have said happens and he shows his true colours.
Your kids grow up in his shadow and end up resenting you.
You live for years with his judgement, walking on eggshells, doing everything around the house, managing His behaviour to avoid his moods and then Mr Wonderful Ghosting Manipulative Sexist Douche drops dead..
You're now approaching 60,
You're alone
Your kids resent you for the last horrible years you've chosen to inflict on them.

Is that really a future worth risking?
Of all the millions upon millions of men in the world, is this one worth that risk really? Do you think so little of yourself you would rather risk that future than be alone?

All of this.

Is it possible to rent out both your houses and buy one together?

If you get married a pre nuptial agreement to keep your separate assets separate and an agreement to split everything you own together 50/50 if the event of divorce.He needs an airtight will to ensure you inherit your joint assets.

If he currently outsources cleaning and cooking surely he can continue to do that if you live together.If he won't clean he can pay for a cleaner to reduce the amount of cleaning you have to do.Won't cook?;he can take you all out for a weekly meal to give you a night off from cooking and washing up.I'd say that's fair.

But the baby thing?;i'd leave that idea behind.

He's heading to retirement age and probably doesn't want to spend his pension on a cleaner and takeaways. So he gets a younger woman instead. 😕

OP being blunt he sounds absolutely awful. I would suggest some intensive counselling to unravel why your standards for yourself and more importantly your children, are so low. He sounds like an absolutely horrendous role model to bring into their lives. Everything you post makes him sounds worse and worse.

I don't judge age gap relationships, I've had them myself.

But if you're taking it seriously, it is worth asking why he isn't dating women in their 60s.

Autism isn’t a mental health issue.

I don't understand this sentence
I like that he is honest about it. I have wanted an equal and have often found men fake this when essentially they too are sexist and have the same views/preferences as him.

How can you feel like an equal with a sexist man?

Agree that every post makes him sound worse!
OP - my mother was in a very similar position. He wanted them to marry and move in but she didn’t because she knew that a guy in his sixties and teens just would not work. They kept their households separate and were very happy.
He was proper Establishment traditional (misogynistic dinosaur) and I am so so glad I didn’t have to live with him!!!

Don’t do it OP.

Are you short of money and seeing the situation with ££££££ in your eyes?