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Relationships

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Original poster

What do you think -age and distance?

113 replies

Huggey · 06/11/2021 16:32

Interested in others views on my relationship. As now making plans for the future and commitment.

I'm early 40s with 2 young kids. He's early 60s with 4 grown-up kids. He lives a couple of hours away by car.

The age difference does concern me. Less so now but in 10 years plus. The distance works ok, he generally comes down to ours at the weekend or we go up to his.

We've spoken of marriage (will be 2nd for both). His idea is to move in with us, reduce days worked and commute the other days. For many reasons I'd prefer to sell both our houses and buy a new one together. He wants to rent his out and keep as an inheritance for his kids, rent to pay the bills and extra money for us all. I also want my kids to inherit our house and have this set-up for both sets of kids and understand death of either we'd need to sell up.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 07/11/2021 09:07

I also don't plan on him parenting my kids

If you married and lived together, he would! Do you think he would be able to keep quiet if your teens become stroppy? You have to make sure you have similar parenting styles and he seems to be a 1950s husband so can't see him having modern parenting views.

My ex has moved in with OW and her teens..he is critical of them and I know she will be walking on eggshells adjusting her behaviour so that her teens don't annoy him. Each incident has some merit (such as they are leaving stuff lying around) but the end result is they will be very uncomfortable.

Is your partner is already dictating if you can wear jeans and you are starting to change aspects of yoursel, then you risk sleepwalking into a controlling relationship.

HollowTalk · 07/11/2021 09:12

Why on earth would you give up your independence to live with a sexist man who's 20 years older than you who doesn't believe in pulling his weight in the house? It's just beyond me. You are not the only one who will suffer if you live with this man. Your children will too.

Original poster

Huggey · 07/11/2021 09:13

He is kind, I enjoy talking to him, his advice, help and companionship, he looks younger and I find him attractive. The dates and I'm in love.

The kids see him as someone around us, not sure they understand boyfriend, my friend. We live our own life as we did before I met him. He's an extra friend around who will chat with/read/play with them. He occasionally buys them treats and takes us all on nice breaks.

OP posts:

WaterBottle123 · 07/11/2021 09:16

So you're considering moving an elderly, sexist man in while you have young children? He'll be a horrendous role model.

And possibly marrying him and putting your assets at risk?

Sorry, I don't think this thread is real. No one would do that to their kids or themselves surely.

category12 · 07/11/2021 09:17

@Huggey

He is kind, I enjoy talking to him, his advice, help and companionship, he looks younger and I find him attractive. The dates and I'm in love.

Why not stay like that?

Moving in together or marrying sounds like it take away the good parts and leave you with a sexist older partner at home, who will probably think he should be in charge and everything to revolve around his wants/needs.

It'll also show your children an unequal sexist relationship model.

DrSbaitso · 07/11/2021 09:18

I can't see any reason to get married. Protect your kids' inheritance.

I can't see any reason to change the setup at all, actually. If you're enjoying things as they are, you don't have to do marriage or another baby (in his 60s, and your kids already teens??). Long distance can be a blessing when you're not looking for a cohabiting relationship. Keeps it fresh and special. Chances are it wouldn't survive cohabitation, given how sexist he is, and the age gap is likely to show up more with conjoined daily lives. If the dates and love are satisfying you both right now, and you don't need any more, why not just keep it as it is?

Original poster

Huggey · 07/11/2021 09:18

I didn't see the last 2 posts when I replied.

Teens, I don't know myself how my kids will be. He's very relaxed and I can't see him getting involved. With his own kids, they're grown-up and he listens to them but again doesn't really get involved in their lives, just offers advice.

He doesn't dictate what I wear but I know he does prefer short skirts and heels type. That's more for going out just the two of us.

I'm not planning on giving up our independence, the kids and I will still do all the things we currently do and I plan to continue with my career.

OP posts:

Sparkai · 07/11/2021 09:19

@Huggey

He is kind, I enjoy talking to him, his advice, help and companionship, he looks younger and I find him attractive. The dates and I'm in love.

If these are the bits you enjoy, then why not keep the status quo and keep things as they are? A relationship doesn't always need to "progress" if you don't want it too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2021 09:24

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

I can see the attractions for him here most certainly (you will become someone to look after him as well as cook and clean for him) but what are you getting out of this?. Living with this man let alone throwing in your whole lot with him would be a huge error of judgment on your part.

I wouldn't entertain any kind of relationship with someone who is sexist either. What are you teaching your dc about relationships?. No, just no.

WaterBottle123 · 07/11/2021 09:24

He's the one pushing for the move OP?

Fancies being looked after I expect,

OP what were your previous relationships like? You seem to have incredibly low expectations and be open to being told what to do. Would you consider taking a break from this relationship and getting some counselling?

Original poster

Huggey · 07/11/2021 09:25

I think I will leave things as they are and see what happens, may just be dating.

(The marriage and baby talk has been suggested by him, which has made me think about that, though equally I haven't wanted to just date forever and like that he is thinking seriously about us and making future plans).

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2021 09:27

"He doesn't dictate what I wear but I know he does prefer short skirts and heels type. That's more for going out just the two of us".

More sexist shite from him. How do you really feel about that particularly when you look around at other women of similar middle age who are not wearing such with their husbands or partners?.

Robin233 · 07/11/2021 09:31

I like a traditional dh but mini skirts and heels at 40?
I'd feel slightly uncomfortable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2021 09:31

What is his relationship history like?. Why did his first marriage end and how long ago did it end?.

I think he wants you to be his primary carer, cook and bottle washer going forward. He wants someone to look after him. You should also have an equal imput in making plans rather than he solely dictating.

If you were to start saying no to this man, you would see what he is really made of and what he is really like. You don't know him all that well given as well he lives two hours away and is on his best behaviour when he is with you.

category12 · 07/11/2021 09:34

You may not have the intention of changing things, of giving up your independence, or him having input with the children - but it's quite a different matter when you actually live with someone.

Especially if he'll be paying the bills and has these old-fashioned sexist views.

These will not be limited to having you dress up nicely for him when you're out together, and you doing all the cooking & cleaning, but will extend to him having the final say on things, being the patriarch in the house. He doesn't have input with his kids now, because they're adults. When he lived with them as children, it will have been different.

holidaynearlyover · 07/11/2021 09:39

I always think inheritance is a red herring, lots plan to leave houses but they end up paying for nursing home care.

emmylousings · 07/11/2021 09:39

Keep things as they are, don't do anything drastic. He has much more to gain than you. A relationship doesn't have to 'progress' along traditional lines, reframe the way you look at this, for your own sake and your DCs.

Grimsknee · 07/11/2021 09:40

"Plus most interested in time made for him in the evening/night)."

If you move in with him there's every chance you'll be working all day, cooking him dinner (it's not possible to outsource 100% of cooking) then clearing up (he won't, and i don't get the impression you'll have a live in housekeeper?), over dinner he'll glare at your kids if they speak out of turn (traditional! Children should be seen and not heard), then after dinner he'll sulk if your kids want to spend time with you because you won't be making time for him.
You'll quickly get sick of living with this traditional old man, your kids will get sick of it even quicker.
Obvious what's in it for him, I just don't see what's in it for you and them.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/11/2021 09:41

The age gap is too much. And he clearly wants someone to look after him.

I would either keep the status quo if you are happy with that or end it and look for someone your own age. If it were me I’d do the latter before he suffers some kind of health problem and you are guilted into caring for him
And saying he wants a baby just gives me the ick. Can’t he see that at his age that is completely inappropriate and unfair on a child

letsmakethishappen · 07/11/2021 09:41

Sorry but sound like he just wants someone to look after him as he ages. A maid really . Nothing traditional here. He should be getting a maid don’t move in with him. Who says ‘I won’t be cooking or cleaning’???!!!! Who cooks for him now??? No chance. And a year is not enough to be making all these plans. He sounds like a dictator. And you will have to do all the childcare (for the newborn) too while he sits on the sofa doing nothing. Then he will retire let’s say in 5 years time to stay at home and do nothing??How Will he be paying for everything then??! Don’t fall for his bullshit

FissionMailed · 07/11/2021 09:54

He's older
He's far away
He's sexist
He's lazy
He justifies his bullshit with being "old fashioned"
So on and so on.
And, what are now little things, him preferring heels and skirts and hair and make up etc. Won't be so little if you saw him everyday.
I wouldn't be surprised if he started judging and making little comments,
"Are you wearing that?"
"You look much better in that skirt i like"
"Aren't you putting make up on before we go?"
So on and so on. That gets old very very fast.
And the "advice" he is offering too...
Of you live together, don't be surprised if it became more commandments..
"Why didn't you do it like I said?"
"Well I did tell you what to do, but you ignored me again"

Plus most interested in time made for him in the evening/night)
I'm not sure what this means. But be wary. Men that make.demands on women's time can get very resentful when that woman has kids that take up more of her time than he gets.

I think, what you should do, is step back and look at his relationship in a cold and logical fashion and imagine it was someone else telling you about their new 'partner'

"Oh yeah he doesn't do house work, doesn't cook, is sexist, prefers me to dress in ways that please him, he's also 20 years older than me. He's nice though and pays for stuff like breaks and treats."
Would you hear that from a daughter, sister or friend and think,
"What a catch..."
Or would you be a bit concerned the younger woman is being blinded by the older mans cash and not seeing his flaws as clearly as she should be?

category12 · 07/11/2021 10:01

And the "advice" he is offering too...
If you live together, don't be surprised if it became more commandments..
"Why didn't you do it like I said?"
"Well I did tell you what to do, but you ignored me again"

Yes, and coupled with "don't forget, I pay the bills"...

MrsFin · 07/11/2021 10:02

I'm in my 60s, and don't think I'd want to live with small kids again now mine are adults. I think there'd eventually be resentment about him not pulling his weight with the kids etc.

Also by the time you're 60 (his age now), with kids gone and ready to rock and roll, he'd be 80, and much less active.

AutumnWreath · 07/11/2021 10:03

You've known him about a year and see him at weekends.
You've spoken about marriage.
You have young children.

Do you realise if you add up the weekends and divide them into weeks. You've known him / been in his company for 14 weeks / 3.5 months .
This would be a massive red flag.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/11/2021 10:04

I can't understand a woman wanting to be in a relationship with a man she knows is sexist. It's foolish.

But to do so when you have kids is completely selfish IMO.

Those beliefs will be around your your children while they grow up, if you're with him. Even if you don't live together. How are you ok with that?!

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