Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Heartbeats0708

Ugh not the outcome I was hoping to read from you *@BelladiMamma* but really glad you clarified with him, that isn't the vibe I was getting from what you'd said about him. Hope the feels haven't got you too bad, is that a biii?

If you read all the prior messages from him. up til today you'd be just as confused as I was by the weekend. I think the point is, when you're confused you're probably just reflecting the confusion of where the other person is at.

I could have bit my lip and kept on with it but my gut and brain were like woah there's something off here.

He doesn't want to lose what we have but isn't willing to change anything so I've said I'm going to think about it. He has been very respectful and lovely but he is on a different planet in terms of organising his love life. As in I said, if we want to be FWB / occasional lovers that's great but you need to set aside the time and organise it. 'Oh ok. I'm just really comfortable with where we are.' Honestly it's like talking to my DS. And is now all a bit of a turn off.

@BelladiMamma

Oh ok. I'm just really comfortable with where we are.' Honestly it's like talking to my DS. And is now all a bit of a turn off.

It would be a complete turn off to me and he's basically set the scene for low/zero effort and flakiness. This doesn't bode well.

[quote Myfabby]@BelladiMamma

Oh ok. I'm just really comfortable with where we are.' Honestly it's like talking to my DS. And is now all a bit of a turn off.

It would be a complete turn off to me and he's basically set the scene for low/zero effort and flakiness. This doesn't bode well.[/quote]
Yeah. I'm out on this basis.

@BelladiMamma it’s like he wants you to be his pa for his love life in a way. The effort being put in should be a mutual thing. Even if he is really busy.

Mr Beard hasn’t offered me any commitment (and I don’t really want any), but he has been good at organising our dates. For our weekend walk he sent me three different suggestions for where we could go.

Yeah I'd find that a massive turn off. Not that he's not looking for commitment/happy with casual, that's fine and it's on the basis that you met, but the complete lack of initiative and drive screams immaturity at best and more than a hint of misogyny. He's clearly capable of organising himself as he does it for work and childcare etc
Like, you're the woman, you do the work to see me. Nah you're alright thanks 👍

Sorry to read that @BelladiMamma. Sounds like it’s all about HIM and he’s probably used to people kissing his arse. Sounds boring x

@BelladiMamma wow. Of course he's loving the set up, minimal effort and maximum enjoyment for him. I'm pleased you've raised it now. And would be surprised if actually it doesn't get his arse into gear when he realises what a lovely woman he stands to lose out on! Whatever your relationship, its outrageous for one party to expect the other to make all the running and just to be catered to. Especially since you're a fucking catch.

@BelladiMamma sorry to hear about MrA. Urghhh men!

Thank you everyone.

I've told him I'm not sleeping with him again unless he raises his game big time. And that we will see about friendship, I need time to process.

It's very strange. He's not ghosted or anything. He's just living in a little MrA bubble. And yes beautiful people aren't always used to doing the running! And I spotted it and didn't want to game play, I preferred to call it. So we are where we are.

How can I tell you all that my husband is on here. Flirting away with totally innocent people. Unfortunately I don't know what name he is using.

How can I tell you all that my husband is on here. Flirting away with innocent ladies. Unfortunately I don't know which name he is using.

Sorry to read these updates @BelladiMamma, it sounds a bit like he’s very self absorbed at the moment. Not to make sweeping statements but I have seen quite a lot of this in some of the actors/performers that I know. He’s used to being charming and most likely enjoys the attention his profession brings him. Maybe this is a particularly intense time with his career and he’s either failed to realise or can’t see that he’s not engaging with you in the way that he should be.

This is an interesting perspective
Maybe this is a particularly intense time with his career and he’s either failed to realise or can’t see that he’s not engaging with you in the way that he should be
and I hadn't actually thought about it like that. Could be a point to consider if you're feeling generous Bella.
Just dating support on here @Gybsie147 no flirting involved!
Why is my terrible ex Mr O on my brain? He treated me appallingly at the end and I thought I was at peace with not having closure. He's moved on, I've moved on. why do I want to message?!

What a bummer Bella. Huge respect and admiration for the way you've handled it. It must have been so tempting to just enjoy the affections of a beautiful sexy man, stick your fingers in your ears and go lalalalaaa and ignore your niggles. But you faced it head on and listened to yourself and acknowledged your worth and unwillingness to dance to his tune. It may have helped that you have experience of high worth men (as in social worth, not necessarily financial) and know that you're not going there again? Well done to you!

@Heartbeats0708 @Onesmallstep67 he's recognised it in our last conversation. He's very busy and is literally working days and night after months of no work. He was / is comfortable with where we are as clearly he doesn't need to think about it!! And he says he values our friendship, doesn't want to be a dick and will do whatever I think is right in terms of contact. I've said I won't carry on the sexual side of the relationship unless he really pulls his finger out and starts to organise some of the meets. He basically wants to coopt me into a part of his life that's in the friendship / sex box but doesn't want to think about it too much.

I think he's genuine. But he's being lazy and immature and hasn't figured out what he really wants. I don't want to be the muggins that does the FWB only for him to be swept off his feet by someone else. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I'm going to process and if I find another FWB I can be his friend.

@Heartbeats0708 I've got Computer Geek on my mind so you're not alone. I thought I had left him in the past and moved on. I did message which is something you haven't done though. But there is a reason he is in my mind again I've just got to figure out why (damn football and alcohol).

@WeWantTheFinestWines

What a bummer Bella. Huge respect and admiration for the way you've handled it. It must have been so tempting to just enjoy the affections of a beautiful sexy man, stick your fingers in your ears and go lalalalaaa and ignore your niggles. But you faced it head on and listened to yourself and acknowledged your worth and unwillingness to dance to his tune. It may have helped that you have experience of high worth men (as in social worth, not necessarily financial) and know that you're not going there again? Well done to you!

Crossed posts. Thank you and yes, the 'high net worth' individual is all too familiar to me. I said at one point to MrA, 'I'm the princess, not you. That's the way round it should be'. We had a bit of a laugh about that, but it's true. Only room for one queen 👸🏻 and that's me.

@Isitreallyme177 @Heartbeats0708 never fear, I've already texted BeardFlake 🤦‍♂️

@Cocopogo
I'm well into the 10s of thousands of pounds divorce club and I don't think it's over yet

@BelladiMamma
Going by what you have said I don't think your ex will be advised to pursue anything legal against you, courts don't like to see that kind of behaviour. If push comes to shove, he would have to justify his actions.
If you've got access to legal advice from a friend I would take it just for peace of mind

Well done for handling MrA ! Just keep that tiara firmly in place

[quote StartingAgain6369]@Cocopogo
I'm well into the 10s of thousands of pounds divorce club and I don't think it's over yet

@BelladiMamma
Going by what you have said I don't think your ex will be advised to pursue anything legal against you, courts don't like to see that kind of behaviour. If push comes to shove, he would have to justify his actions.
If you've got access to legal advice from a friend I would take it just for peace of mind

Well done for handling MrA ! Just keep that tiara firmly in place[/quote]
I'm in that club too. 2 petty things that he wanted to stay in the settlement and which the judge threw out. All for £££'s

Yes what you say is likely true re the courts. It doesn't help with trying to have a clear head for dating, but I'm just trying to keep it real and be me. 👸🏻

keep the tiara firmly in place 👌
Oh Bella. You and BeardFlake. He is your magnet!
Yes @Isitreallyme177 I need to unpick why Mr o is on my brain, it's bugging me no end. I don't even have anything to say to him. We used to have a lot of flirty/sexty chats and I don't have that with Mr D, I wonder if that's it?

Yes I couldn’t do dating and deal with divorce and contact arrangements. I was single for best part of 5 yrs while we thrashed it out.
I met me last one on bumble and just over two years later here I am again and this time I intend to keep a cool head and stay focused on what I’m looking for not get derailed by a guys bs.

@Heartbeats0708 I used to have those messages with Computer Geek. I do miss the fun flirty messages, our sense of humour was the same. I could send him a link to an article, think it was something to do with hayfever and sex, and he got why I sent it or the meme about Trance being like sex and we ended up in a chat about how you can't get emotional during sex. I also miss talking to him about the gym, he used to motivate me and encouraged me to go for a run when the gyms were shut. Urgh its so difficult isn't it.

Here's to flaky-magnets! It's so hard to leave the past in the past especially when the sex is like trance!! @Isitreallyme177 we've so much in common! 🤩 Techno fan to?

@Naimee87 I don't mind a bit of Techno, I also like a bit of drum n bass.