Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Naimee87

I've really tried to go NC with my ex but this evening she came to pick up DD2. I'm really trying to be an adult about this whole situation but the pain and torment is still to fresh

@Onesmallstep67

I think what you are doing is including
I’m the one who should be apologising, I post nonsense about Monty Python and where I’m going for breakfast

Amazing not including..

More lovely comments, thank you! And please don’t apologise for the Monty Python quotes @FabulousMrFifty, I think we all need a bit of humour in our lives ,it helps to keep things in perspective.

@Onesmallstep67

Thanks for everyone who posted about MrA. My brain dump was my usual light hearted suggestions for what we could do next time we met to saying that the way it was at the moment wasn't what I wanted, that I felt he was deserving of time and energy because he's a lovely guy but that I can't pour energy into a void. I'm not looking for a relationship or massive commitment, I'm looking for a hot love affair where I know the other person is making equal effort to get together. As @MayEye said if you're always instigating after a while it means that person isn't reciprocating and you're risking being left with a fade or ghosting situation which is crap. And that I recognise he's at a particular time in his life where he's super busy with tons of commitments but ... I should be a bright spot in all that, something he looks forward to and not a chore. Also that we were slipping into friendship / girlfriend mode without actually discussing it or, as I put it 'we shouldn't be out of the hot sex zone yet'

The end result is he's read the message and I've heard FA back.

So .... there's my answer I guess 🤷‍♂️

@StartingAgain6369 I am thinking of getting legal advice to see if I can go NC with my ex without prejudicing any of the financial settlement or risking him taking me back to court. He completely put me in a tailspin this week and subjected my DD to some really negative emotional manipulation which was quite overwhelming for her.

I'm even considering moving house and seeing if I can avoid him having my address as DD is 16 next birthday. It's just all too much really 😞

Is there anything you can change in your contact or arrangements which might help you?

@BelladiMamma

I stopped all direct contact as soon as exW picked up with her new man, there was a sudden change in her attitude towards me.

I started off with a solicitor but when Covid struck I switched to self represention because the legal bills started to get ridiculous and I knew nothing was going to happen quick because the court system had virtually stopped

When the final FDR was set I went back to my original solicitor

My solicitor told me you can communicate regarding the children if you so wish but don't commit to anything financial. My big issue was exW would not agree to a parenting order, I drafted 2 and she's refused to sign any, so we have a schedule but nothing in writing.

I've backed off anything legal regarding the children for the time being. She's totally wrapped up with this new man and they are even living together, renting a big house in the next village.

You going NC won't change the legal process, if he was to bring it up in court, all you have to say it was affecting my mental health and I needed to be strong for DD.

Are you keeping a diary and keeping emails texts etc? Please don't have any voice communication

If you end up in court it is a lottery but the judge does know who is being a dick (so to speak)

The court system is still painfully slow, I had my final FDR December but still not got my decree final

Happy for you to DM

@BelladiMamma give it time, he might also be trying to process things. But kudos to you for being brave enough to say what you want. I have been that person who floats along in happiness then it all going pear-shaped later on because it wasn't defined. It's not fun at all. You are very strong.

from me too @Onesmallstep67. You are such a gem and it shines out on here.
@FabulousMrFifty your posts are funny, never apologise for humour

@FabulousMrFifty don't apologise I think we all need a bit of light heated banter once in a while otherwise we get all angsty (and if you should apologise then so should I as I took it down the LOTR route).

Everyone’s court experience will be totally different as it seems to be such a lottery on who you get and what happens. I’m NC but it cost me tens of thousands in solicitors fees to get to that.

@Cocopogo @StartingAgain6369 sorry I should have said, our settlement is agreed. There is no contact order in the court agreement because of the age of the children. Ex has also body swerved parenting agreement and has fallen out with the 2 mediators we have used. I am just wary that he may use me going NC against me and try to stir things up again and go back to court to see if he can renege on the financial settlement. I have an unusual combination of capital and maintenance payments although my understanding is it's been structured in such a way that it's all called maintenance, which apparently gives me greater protection.

Basically I need to get some legal advice and I'm hoping that I can pick my family lawyer friend's brains, she wasn't my lawyer but is one of my closest friends.

@Cocopogo

Everyone’s court experience will be totally different as it seems to be such a lottery on who you get and what happens. I’m NC but it cost me tens of thousands in solicitors fees to get to that.

Is that like an injunction or non-molestation order? Or some other arrangement?

In other news, my DD is in a fledgling dating situation with my friend's teen, who we met over the weekend 😁 before seeing the show. Their next date is next weekend so I'll be back in London, chaperoning 😁🤣

So cute 🥰

@PurpleStripyScarf no none of those. Just contact order of no contact.

@Cocopogo @PurpleStripyScarf @StartingAgain6369 my no contact would be personal choice at this point; hopefully no need for lawyers.

Sending strength and courage to everyone going through this 💜

MrA and I are currently talking through what we want, in between his job. He's up for FWB. I'm not so sure as I've found his constant contact unhelpful as it's felt more relationship-y. So we are currently talking through what that might look like for each of us.

Oh god @BelladiMamma I feel for you. Worst situation when u fall and they want FWB. You dont have to pay attention to my advice obviously, but don’t do it. You clearly have feelings for mrA, these will only intensify and you’ll end up heart broken. FWB only works with no feelings on both parts in my opinion

@BelladiMamma, I'm glad there is a conversation happening but hoping that it's not been playing on your mind too much. Sometimes it's difficult to gauge from what you share exactly where your feelings are with Mr A. Sometimes it's been about the rush of sexual connection, other times about the potential for this to become a relationship. You have said that you probably don't have time for a full time commitment with someone yet the draw of Mr A is clearly very strong for you. Is FWB what you were hoping for ?

@Catcrazy83 @Onesmallstep67 thanks for your thoughts. Generally I was finding his communication style with me very confusing. He was drawing me into a relationship framework and I didn't want us to unconsciously get in a cosy style of thing. Because 1. I think people can take you for granted 2. I fancy him too much to move beyond the sex honeymoon too quickly 3. Feeling like someone's mate or practically wife isn't very sexy for me

I called it before I developed feelings for him. Because I know myself!!

Whatever the outcome @BelladiMamma I think you are playing this situation with Mr A awesomely well, in terms of being authentic to yourself.

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Whatever the outcome *@BelladiMamma* I think you are playing this situation with Mr A awesomely well, in terms of being authentic to yourself.

A lot of women would put up with what he was offering, I think. Because he wants the cosiness of something that feels like a relationship but doesn't want one. Tbh, me too, but let's call it for what it is. And then I can stop getting distracted by the what if's with him.

Men eh

MrA has expressed shock at where I am, appreciates the honesty, wants to be friends and was 'really comfortable' with where we were at. But basically doesn't want to label it, instigate it or figure out where it's going.

Omg. It's like dealing with a child. I just ended up laughing on the phone with him, like ok MrA so if I just keep turning up you'll be really happy but you won't check to see if I am turning up. But you'll be sad if I don't and you still want to talk to me every day? 'Yeah Bella that's what I thought was working so well with us'. 🤣🤣🤣

Omg. Kids I tell you, they're all kids 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

It's been of a bit of an eye opener as to how immature he is. He's like one of the younger guys on Feeld that seemed to think they could call me up and I'd meet them at midnight for a quick shag.

That's why doing this whole let's be honest thing is so useful as I've discovered that he's basically working in a different universe. The universe of the eternal man child 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️

Ugh not the outcome I was hoping to read from you @BelladiMamma but really glad you clarified with him, that isn't the vibe I was getting from what you'd said about him.
Hope the feels haven't got you too bad, is that a biii?

How disappointing @BelladiMamma

You did well to get all this out there before you got suckered into “anything is better than nothing” men!