Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote StartingAgain6369]@BelladiMamma
There is absolutely no doubt going by your posts he likes you loads, you have said yourself he's not got anyone else and I would agree too.

I would say the big issue is his line of work, got a hit show on his hands, probably a bit shattered but loving it too but he's more than likely got one eye on where is the next work coming from.

This work instability is having a knock on effect regarding your relationship now and will be a major factor going forward (I'm pretty sure you've worked this out yourself)

Do you know what you want going forward and do you want to compromise your current situation to accommodate Mr A?[/quote]
I will answer this as you've asked!

There's very little compromise I can give in my current lifestyle. DD doesn't have a great relationship with her dad and I won't force her to go. Sometimes she goes and then comes Home early. Sometimes she doesn't go at all. At her age, I'm not going to get paid childcare - it's all about what works with her dad and then if she gets invited on sleepovers etc.

However I'm comfortable with his work pattern and the travel involved. I'm financially secure touch wood and I have often travelled for work or had long distance relationships. I actually don't want someone on my doorstep.

I'm thinking of changing career, moving etc etc. So there's a lot that is unstable for me and I'm not a classic home bod.

If he's interested I'd love to try things on more of a relationship footing.

This early stage of wanting to see if he'll pick up the initiative is a way for me to see if it would be possible to be more relationship oriented with him. Because honestly if he can't be bothered or is too busy to work out when we can next see each other then we are kind of falling at the first hurdle!!

Thanks for answering

@InABetterPlaceNow @FabulousMrFifty thanks for the thoughts. I'll try to do something along those lines ...

@BelladiMamma, it strikes me that there are two elements with Mr A, the here and now and then the longer term prospects. And you both have different obstacles to address in the process. Here and now it would be nice for him to do the instigating, we all want to feel that our irons are into us and keen to see us , however long we have been with them. At the moment Mr A is giving the play and related work commitments 100% because that’s what is needed and expected. I’d imagine that he’ll be planning on seeing you again before he leaves, do you know his schedule post play ?
Longer term or rather bigger picture- maybe Mr A doesn’t want to say something that he can’t commit to? Work will dictate where he is, DC will dictate at other times. He’s not long (?) out of his relationship and met you on a ‘ casual’ dating site, there’s quite a lot to unpick before either of you might be mentioning that this could be more than it currently is. I think I’d bite my lip and engage in all the lovely chat and flirting that happens but not be the one to suggest the next meeting. See what transpires over the rest of the time he’s in London and what’s suggested as the next step beyond that. Do you know if he’s got another role to move on to?

And from me a thank you for the kind words and messages last week as I navigated the emotional push and pull of Mr V’s birthday, Dd home from uni and late DH’s anniversary.
I had some lovely times with Mr V and my DDs- meals out, theatre, karaoke at home (don’t ask) and my own slightly bull in a china shop approach to asking what is next for us as a couple. Yesterday DD went back to uni and Mr V went home ( as agreed) to give a bit of space so the old and new didn’t collide too much on the anniversary. I was tired and had a low key afternoon and evening but as younger DD spent afternoon at Drama group and evening online with friends by the end of it I felt pretty lonely. Mr V had a last minute invitation to an event that I would have loved. His messages to say he was missing me and then the same when he called were very much appreciated but also made me feel even more sad that I couldn’t be there with him - or have his company as comfort on a tough day.

@Onesmallstep67 I left him a message which I've had an answer to - mine was flirt, chat, flirt, would love to see you again.

His was chat, chat, telling me in minute detail what he's been up to, no flirting, gratitude for coming to see play, this is my schedule for next two days, I don't know what my schedule is after that.

He's a jobbing actor and has work alongside the theatre work most weeks. Nothing long term booked in after this except in the spring when he's on tour in the U.K.

Longer term - who knows but I've realised that I've started to want to show him that I'm good at long distance & generally good at relationships. He's two years out of his marriage, almost exactly same timing as me. Lost his sibling just before the breakdown, almost exactly same timing as me. I don't want to put myself in that place where I'm being 'performative about the future'. I love the sexy no strings vibe myself, I'm not really into over domesticating situations in the short term but I have slipped into some of that in my thinking. So I'm sure he's picked up on that.

Short term - if this is a casual sex thing I want more sex 🤣 and if we are only meeting fleetingly once a week then that ain't gonna happen. And if he's leaving me these very relationship-y messages and having these 'listen to the minute details of my life' conversations with me ... it can be confusing. It's almost like he's the one that wants the trappings of a relationship in a no strings situation. If I had my way we'd be all sex for months and then eventually one of us would get fed up of it.

What a tricky but necessary time you're going through. I know it's not the same, but with my brother's anniversaries the only thing I can do is set aside time for them. I was also drinking through a lot of the pain and I've stopped that now. I just live the pain and let it happen. Even though you may have missed MrV you couldn't predict how you were going to feel at the time, so it was right not to make plans. Also you have to give the time and space for your DC at the time. Whatever works for you all.

What's the development that you're hoping to address with him?

@BelladiMamma, I’m sure there will be a’ what now ? ‘ chat with Mr A post play. You’re very articulate so I’m sure you will find a way to tell him what you are hoping for, probably best to not be flicking through Bride magazine as you do though 😂.
And thank you for your thoughtful words again. I find I have to accept that the anniversary etc is going to bring a mixed bag of emotions and it’s been difficult navigating it with new men in my life specifically because of who it is I’m mourning. There isn’t as such a specific next step chat that I need to have with Mr V but more that what we have and how often we see each other doesn’t feel quite enough for me ( on average twice a week) I don’t know that either of us has the answer. He lives the other side of the city to me and works even further in a slightly different direction. I have DD about to be 17 here but it feels difficult to leave her too often if she doesn’t have her own plans. It’ll sort itself out but I think I’m ready for spending more time together and I don’t think he’s averse to that but can be a bit of a creature of habit. I’ve been fantasising about a campervan and hitting the open road for too long now. I get claustrophobic sometimes with the routine and drudgery of single parenthood. I want an adventure so as soon as I get a window of opportunity I hope I’m brave enough to take it #ShirleyValentine

Been trying to keep up with you all over the weekend, real mixed bag here with cancelled/weird feeling dates and some angst but with glimmers of something..
I could be off the mark here @Onesmallstep67 but I find it quite heartening that you wanted to be with Mr V even on such a significant day; to be open to receiving help and support with the deep emotions involved is a big deal (to me at least). Sending hugs, and best of luck for navigating the next steps with Mr V- I hope you can start to see a bit more of each other.
@BelladiMamma it's a difficult one because you both have such responsibilities and it's unclear where his head is at- I'd definitely leave him to chase the next meet. I've had it with a fwb before who was very "relationship-y" and i nearly got burned when it turned out that's just how he is and it was very much just a fwb in his eyes.

Struggling to keep up with thread! Feel like I keep popping on talking about myself!
No updates from me this time. Still no progress on bumble. Saw my ex which just reaffirmed what I already knew. I need to move on, whether it’s something long term or a mutual roll in the hay, I need to be brave and jump in with both feet and get down off this fence!

@Heartbeats0708 @Onesmallstep67 ooh I shall cancel my subs to Bride 🤣🤣🤣

I think that's it @Heartbeats0708 - I'm feeling like I'm being treated like a friend, and a girlfriend, and it's veered away from the sex. Which is kinda what I was more interested in at the beginning but if he's not feeling it then time to Step Away.

Time to upload the chat to Dropbox (so that it's saved because I love the sound of his voice) and delete the chat so that it's not sitting there at the top of my chats, tempting me to message him.

@Heartbeats0708, no you’re not wide of the mark, I have fallen for Mr V and I hope this isn’t misconstrued as being that I don’t miss my DH but life and my feelings have evolved in the 8 years that have passed. I worry that his family and our girls will think I’m dismissive of key days if I don’t mark them. I get messages from his mom and siblings saying they are thinking of me which is lovely but also keeps me tied to the past. I’m articulating this very well.

• NOT articulating very well ! @Heartbeats0708, I hope things are okay with Mr D. Life can certainly be complicated at times.

@BelladiMamma will be rooting for you, however it goes in the long term at least it sounds like you two have had a magical few weeks.

I spent all of yesterday with Mr Beard. I’ve given up all my other bumble chats for now and snoozed it as I don’t want to see anyone else. He’s really thoughtful and prepared to work around my childcare needs, luckily we both have similar free evenings. I keep expecting him to get bored of me but am just trying to enjoy all the affection for now.

Not much happening here,
Not heard from Ms W for a few days, so she is probably bored of me now, but she did send me an unsolicited boob pic last week as ‘a reminder’, I didn’t think girls did that kinda thing.

Was doing some hobbying this morning met someone interesting (useless at hobby), and know I shouldn’t say this, but she was quite ‘curvy’, and I like a curvy lady…

@Stayingstrongish thank you. It's been really good for me and I feel restored ♥️

@Onesmallstep67 I think it shows you've got a good one there if he can give you breathing space and understanding at these sorts of times. And honestly I'm sure your in laws will understand if you move on. They can't expect you to be in mourning or on hold for ever.

@FabulousMrFifty yes, we love a good photo and mutual appreciation. I'm not surprised at all that she sent something like that, especially as she'd like to have sex with you again

I'm at a bar was supposed to have date zero who cancelled yesterday and he's had to cancel again! No trains running. (Story checks out) soo maybe third times a charm. We shall see...

@Dazedandconfused10

I'm at a bar was supposed to have date zero who cancelled yesterday and he's had to cancel again! No trains running. (Story checks out) soo maybe third times a charm. We shall see...

I hope you haven't had to travel far? How disappointing. Have a nice drink then get yourself home for a decent box set ♥️

Alternatively, pick up someone else at the bar?

I scared off the men that were here

But I'm not too disappointed, I mean I am but hopefully we will rearrange for in the week. In the mean time I'll have a couple of drinks get myself a nice dinner and continue binge watching new girl later.

@Dazedandconfused10

I scared off the men that were here

But I'm not too disappointed, I mean I am but hopefully we will rearrange for in the week. In the mean time I'll have a couple of drinks get myself a nice dinner and continue binge watching new girl later.

🤣🤣🤣

Have a lovely evening ♥️

@Dazedandconfused10

Eek maybe I’m on the cynical bench but although I agree there’s nothing to do but chill, I’d genuinely be quite annoyed at the iron?

Was it a text or a call you got?

Have you checked the trains are actually cancelled, did he offer an alternative?

If the trains were cancelled was there not an alternative he could have taken even if it meant arriving a bit later than planned? (Obviously depends on location but has the train company not given a different option to the commuters ?)

He called me yesterday, today he text but I checked national rail there are no trains, rail replacement which he was at the wrong place for. And theyre only every 2 hours, and I know from where he is the other option would be a 40/50 quid cab so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but ball is in his court to rebook

@Dazedandconfused10 do you think he's legit?....

Sounds like it's been a decent weekend for all. I went to an exhibition with friends then drinks after at the roudiest pub full of Chelsea types. Even the waiter told me he doesn't know why people go there. Next time I'm going to try somewhere more highbrow and fun.

@Eesha I do, but my default its to believe the best in People til they give me a reason not to.

Sounds like you had a good weekend!

@SpringlikeBunk train companies won't give an alternative if the cancellation wasn't planned. The driver could have been taken sick, signal failure, body on the line. I have sat on platforms for two hours before as there was a body on the line. Replacement buses run when they have planned cancellations as they're usually from the local bus companies, who where I live run a reduced service on Sunday. Another problem with getting an alternative form of transport.

London is different but out in Hobbit land (in the Shires and the hills ) we are buggered if trains get cancelled.

Public Transport is a joke in the Shires Mr Frodo.