Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

It's been really interesting to read about everyone's married relationships and the follow on when dating after separation

I was married for 18 years but really should have split 7 years previous, I wasn't strong enough to do so.

Very controlling relationship, lots of what I would call 'tit for tat' behaviour, constantly walking on egg shells. The worst was the belittling verbal aggression which spilled over on a couple of occasions into violence. Eventually left 3 years ago but its only really been the last few months I feel I have some kind of closure of the past.

Ms YM1 gave me some advice which has worked and made my life easier especially when you are dealing with a controlling ex

1 - do not communicate with your ex via text WA etc.
2 - only communicate via email
3 - only respond after 24hours

Yes I know it's easier said than done, but for me it did help

Have a good weekend everyone, relax, take time out for yourself and don't forget to breathe

Isitreally are you clinging on to the hope that Mr Cricket will change his mind about just being friends with you?

@JustThisLastLittleBit Thank you, she's always dismissed Next but I will point her in that direction. I didn't mention tops but she struggles with arm length too

She gets her height from me and at one stage the rate she was growing I thought she would hit 6ft

@Isitreallyme177 sorry for being the local Mumsnet bore, but don't forget it's very easy for someone to say the ex is clinging on and being difficult. I suddenly became difficult fo the ex when I actually started saying no. It's all about the optics.

@StartingAgain6369 that's great advice. I have tried to follow something similar. My ex is keen to meet up at the moment but within minutes of me agreeing to meet if we went back to the mediator he'd emailed me again to tell me how much he hated me. I then foolishly got drawn into an email convo about why I didn't want to meet someone who hated me. Should have just ignored the first one of the day and then I wouldn't have had a dozen ducked up messages from him to spoil my day.

@MizK @PurpleStripyScarf this is why I love this thread. So much shared knowledge, all for the greater good.

Am on my way to see MrA's play. Hoping to see him before or after but kinda not bothered. He's continued to be very attentive but I am switching off a bit. Just letting my emotions settle and stop doing the work in the relationship, to see what effort he puts in.

Feeling really good about life and looking forward to what the next year brings. MrA has definitely helped. He's a great guy and I think we will always be friends, whatever happens next.

Wow kids these days are so tall, 6ft?? I feel like a dwarf now at 5,4... jeans are always waaay too long for me. I can get my shoes in the kids department! I did get a compliment from the trucker-teacher yesterday as he thought i was about 22 or 23!! I'm 34! Was really such a great day and after falling asleep at 9:30 last night an sleeping for 10hrs i'm still on cloud 9. When we parked up and finished for the day he asked roughly how many km's we'd done, i said 238 as a random guess and it was spot on!!!! Haha!

Quiet wknd for me! Drinks with my neighbour later, few hours to myself while my DS as it his club meet-up! I kind of don't want the weekend to end because it means last week is officially over. And with seeing magnet-man and the adventures of yesterday it was like a proper long escape from reality...

@Isitreallyme177 don't beat yourself up i think we've all drunkenly txted a ex! And forgotten or regretted it.

To all of those with abusive exes i think had i not had this thread i'd have ended up in quite an emotionally tricky relationship with MrE. And to those with useless dad's my DS's dad has written out of the blue this morning after a really long time. Think the summer was when we last text. Not sure whether to engage? My DS saw the texts but hasn't mentioned them so don't know if i bring it up with him or not...

[quote StartingAgain6369]@JustThisLastLittleBit Thank you, she's always dismissed Next but I will point her in that direction. I didn't mention tops but she struggles with arm length too

She gets her height from me and at one stage the rate she was growing I thought she would hit 6ft[/quote]
Next Tall is good for just the basic, everyday jeans, joggers, pj’s etc that need to fit snd be comfortable. As young fashion, anathema I’m sure.

@Naimee87 I heard some really good advice that a friend of mine was given re crap exes and contact. Their family therapist said you should always check in with the DC and their desire for Contact or where they are with their relationship with their NRP. (Non resident parent). That way the DC feel like they have an ally whatever's going on and also they will understand that the lack of contact is nothing to do, it's all about the NRP. HTH

@BelladiMamma
I know exactly what you have been going through, I found it a good way of getting some control
Recently I've had school parents evening for both DDs which has been a juggle to miss each other. I'm at the stage now where I don't want to be in the same room but when we split I was desperate to do the right thing and work together. Unfortunately that has not been the case

[quote StartingAgain6369]@BelladiMamma
I know exactly what you have been going through, I found it a good way of getting some control
Recently I've had school parents evening for both DDs which has been a juggle to miss each other. I'm at the stage now where I don't want to be in the same room but when we split I was desperate to do the right thing and work together. Unfortunately that has not been the case[/quote]
Luckily my ex is far too important to deal with parents evenings so I do it all. I never expected him to grow into this sort of person. It's been such a shock to me. Sending empathy vibes

@TobyEsterhase

Had a somewhat cool response from Ms Lithuanian after suggesting going out in evening for 4th date.

Apparently she is busy the next 2 weekends.

3rd date went really well and ended with big snog.

Will try not to obsess.

Chalk it up to a nice experience and try to forget about her as an option until you've got another date in the diary.

In the meantime see if there's any other fun stuff you want to do or pursue, including other dates.

Just spoil yourself and indulge yourself. After all, you might not be single for very long so take the opportunity to do some shit hot stuff that isn't so easy to do when you're with someone.

Thank you everyone for talking to me the other night!

I need to get used to being on such a fast moving thread and how to reply to you all (I'm on mobile, any tips?)

I few hours to go until the meet 2 or first "proper" meet. He messaged yesterday to confirm plans for our "date/not a date/ whatever I want to call it" 😁 I said "let's call it a get to know each other better and geek out, and decide afterwards what it actually was - keeps the pressure off!" which he seemed to like!

Nervous but a little excited too! I'm changing my name for him again - last time! Mr Tux.

It will probably come to nothing, but I hope at least he ends up as a friend (unless he turns out to be a dick!)

@InABetterPlaceNow hope all goes well on date 2 with Mr Tux, don't overthink ! look forward to an update later

I switch between desktop pc and browser on phone but I've ditched the phone app (android) because it's awful, yes some days the thread has jumped but I do enjoy catching up with all the posts

@TobyEsterhase

Agree to let her come back with another date suggestion - you don’t want to be enthusiastic about someone who is quite “lukewarm” their end and just wants you to chase them (whilst they decide to respond or not), it should be both of you keeping it going?

[quote StartingAgain6369]@InABetterPlaceNow hope all goes well on date 2 with Mr Tux, don't overthink ! look forward to an update later

I switch between desktop pc and browser on phone but I've ditched the phone app (android) because it's awful, yes some days the thread has jumped but I do enjoy catching up with all the posts[/quote]
Thank you!!

Ooh I didn't think of just using the browser rather than the app, that makes sense 😂 which switch over and see how o get on!

Hope everyone has a lovely day!

@InABetterPlaceNow hope all goes well today!

@Naimee87 thanks although I doubt he'll ever read it but I did walk around B&Q this morning looking over my shoulder in case he happened to be there🤦‍♀️🤣. That would have been awkward.😬

@BelladiMamma from what he's told me she is hurting (I told him as much) and the stuff she has done is just going to drag the divorce through the court. It is not about saying no but actually refusing to cooperate.

@WeWantTheFinestWines no I would love Computer Geek to come back but he had to do what he needed to do. Mr Cricket is neither here nor there in last night's drunk text.

Inabetter I use the mobile app because I do everything on my mobile. Good points is easy access and easy to read (I can never work out the timeline when I look at the website) and top tip is to bookmark the last post you read so you can easily go back to that one and carry on when you return. Most annoying thing about the app is being unable to tag. That's really annoying. Also, sometimes your post goes up as a big block of text despite careful editing with paragraphs. I think I've had that with the website on a PC too though...

My date zero has cancelled tonight so now have no idea what to do with my weekend! Hopefully he rebooks

@BelladiMamma thanks! I'll see what my DS has to say later. I know it weighs
heavy on him that his dad isn't around and he now know's it sort of by choice really. He could text/video chat but chooses not. It's almost like he can sense when things are pretty good for us and then decides to throw us off balance by making a reappearance... But no one's ruining my mood!.. not even him!

Can I please join... I'm boring the shit out of my friends with my dating woes 🙈😂 I need some likeminded chat.

I've been singled years and have had a handful of actual dates over the years I've always over thought it and I get so nervous! Anyway I'm trying to throw caution to the wind snd throw myself into it. Also not stress about being left on read etc

My Mr34 cancelled last night then rang me drunk at midnight to tell me how much he liked me and how sorry he was... then ignored my message this morning 🙄 it was meant to be a 2nd date. We had a really nice time first time we went out! He's going through a shit time. Shame

Another guy I've started chatting to seems nice hope we can meet in the week.

I'm learned to keep irons on the go too lol
Hopefully I can keep dipping in here to try and keep sane 😀

Oh I do have a question- I have accounts on pof and tinder is it worth setting up anywhere else? Isn't it just the same guys on all of them? I live in a quiet place and half the radius of my stretch is the bloody sea 🙈😂

@illbeinthegarden I'm always suspicious of these cancellations then contacting late at night. It smacks of him cancelling you for another option, then realising they weren't great!. Maybe I'm too cynical in my old age.

I've had a busy week so haven't really been on this thread since my first post(s), hope everyone is well!

Had a second date with Mr Books and it went well, talked a lot, laughed a lot. Kissed him twice and both were great. He's super sweet and lovely. There will be a 3rd date at some point... And also there are vague plans to watch a movie together in the near future. Getting a bit excited now

[quote Eesha]@illbeinthegarden I'm always suspicious of these cancellations then contacting late at night. It smacks of him cancelling you for another option, then realising they weren't great!. Maybe I'm too cynical in my old age.[/quote]
Yeah I wouldn't be surprised tbf... either way I'm glad he had a shit night 😂

Hello! Tinder dater here. Wanting to share the joys of online dating