Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shayelle2009

My manor 😁😁

Love a bit of London

I love the countryside now more @BelladiMamma. Do have thoughts about moving back sometimes as all my pals are there but I just don’t think I ever could!

I agree @Eesha

That's why I've personally tried to set a boundary, about cutting down on "chats" and messages, and seeing if the other party makes some sort of contact independently? (death to the WhatsApp Instant Chat devilry! )

Even if it means waiting a bit longer, or my dating life being slower-paced? If I have to over-function to get a meet I just don't want to do it.

I notice now guys tend to contact me when they want to "pin down a FTF meet" rather than random chat, and that suits me fine.

It doesn't need to be a dinner invite to the Ritz sent by a messenger on a white horse, but if someone forgets about my existence when I'm not being charming/flirtatious/ever-present then I'm not sure I want to be doing all the heavy lifting to remind them?

@Shayelle2009

You'll be one of our London guides then for February! I used to live there but haven't been back in years

So I'm basically going to be one of those gormless "out-of-towners" asking how to pay on the buses and tubes and holding everyone up right now

@Shayelle2009
Pilfer away, I’m sure all you “loverly ladies” have red hot irons on the go, there is a gag in there about about pokers as well, but I can’t quite work it out.

@SpringlikeBunk I’ve not lived in London for a few years now but still know a few places 🙂 I think we should just have an adventure though 😄

amen to that @Shayelle2009 can’t wait!

Good evening
I'm after a bit of help and guidance ladies

DD1 is 17, 5-10 size 8, her height is mainly in her legs (if you know what I mean) she is moaning about trousers as nothing is long enough even when labelled long
ExW has suggested Long Tall Sally which resulted sharp intake of breath and eye rolling and that's DD1 relaying the story to me
Any ideas? Can I point her in a direction of a website or you London ladies do you know of any shops?
I'm thinking with the C word fast approaching

@StartingAgain6369

What's your budget? I'd personally get an entire outfit from here as seems to be where the young uns shop cheaply!

www.boohoo.com/womens/tall-clothing/bottoms

I think she will need a 38inch length if jeans related

After ex popped up I laid off the dates for a bit but back on it now
Had a phone call tonight before meeting and realised I wouldn’t be meeting him. Just not on same wavelength and he was quite offensive in his jokey tone. Another guy was supposed to be calling but ‘something came up’ hopefully he’s being genuine but who knows.
Hoping to fit in a date or two over the weekend.

@Eesha thank you

Home from date zero. I have no idea what was up with me but I just wasn't myself. He was fine but I was weird.

Gosh, thanks to all those of you who’ve shared your experiences of dealing with abusive partners/exes. It’s so helpful to hear even snippets and either see similarities or at least just feel in good company 🤗
I feel very inspired by hearing how you’ve got through it - such strong ladies!

I’ve been quite overwhelmed with a bunch of heavy stuff lately, to do with my ex. Just been focusing on keeping my head above the water.

Dating meanwhile is going well! Mr Growl is to be upgraded to Mr G. We’ve had quite a few dates now (spread over quite a long time due to childcare etc on both sides) and we’re keeping things quite chilled yet it definitely feels like we’ve settled into a really nice relationship. It’s fun and comfortable at the same time. My biggest challenge is not telling him about any of the heavy stuff that’s happening (because I don’t want to become emotionally dependent on someone who’s so new in my life, and because I don’t want to put myself in a vulnerable position). I’m also half-waiting for him to turn out to be abusive too - after previous experience it’s hard not to either worry that it’ll happen again, or else see non-existent red flags everywhere.

Anyway, we’ve got another date lined up and I’m really looking forward to it. And another weekender in the diary too ☺️

@PurpleStripyScarf Things sound like they are going in a positive direction for you. Definitely avoid the talk about the bad times with the ex, certainly something I wished I'd glossed over.

@Dazedandconfused10 what happened?

[quote Eesha]@PurpleStripyScarf Things sound like they are going in a positive direction for you. Definitely avoid the talk about the bad times with the ex, certainly something I wished I'd glossed over.

@Dazedandconfused10 what happened?[/quote]
Thanks @Eesha. May I ask why specifically?
I do find it hard not to talk about something which is very much ongoing at the moment and which is at the forefront of my mind. I think I'd find it easier not to mention it if it were all in the past, but given that I'm still having to deal with so much ex-related aggro and fallout on a day-to-day basis atm, I find it harder to Not talk about it with people I'm spending time with. I've just about managed to steer clear of it so far with Mr G, but (given how much pressure the situation with the ex is currently putting me under and how much of my time/headspace it's currently consuming) it feels like only a matter of time before I overshare...

@PurpleStripyScarf I think as you mentioned before, it adds a bit of vulnerability which I wouldn't want till I was more serious with someone and felt they weren't planning on going anywhere. My ex was an alcoholic so at the time we were together there was a lot of mental abuse (trying to jump out of a moving car, screaming at me, punching furniture, essentially me walking on eggshells in case I did something wrong like leaving stuff to dry on the draining board). I've been open before to irons when they have asked if we get on (we do now as he's in recovery) but I just wish I'd glossed over it until it was someone worthwhile. I guess it also makes me feel like I'm seen as a victim rather than someone who escaped that life.

@PurpleStripyScarf @Eesha this is such a tricky one. I totally get that it's hard not to talk about things while you're going through them. I find it impacts my mood as it happens but once the moment has passed I'm very much back to myself again. But this is now, 2 years down the line and having really made progress. The first year I was very vulnerable still and a few guys wanted to 'set me up as a victim either to rescue me or abuse me'. Now if I get any whiff of either of those behaviours I'm out of there. So I guess if you're able to talk about it and then calmly see what the other person's reaction is, that's great. If you think it's going to leave you more open to being manipulated then tread very carefully.

The other thing I'd say is that I had literally no idea how vulnerable being fresh out of an abusive situation makes you. I was completely clueless. Now I'm way stronger and able to deal with the behaviours both from my ex and any potential new abusers.

Doesn't stop me from feeling down about it.

I think you have to do what feels right for you and if you do confide in MrG be very very wary and observant around his reaction. And if you want to, if he says 'you poor thing' type thing you can say 'I'm proud of myself foe getting out. It still hurts but it's over' type thing

@PurpleStripyScarf it's so unfair that you still have to deal with agg from your ex. It sounds like you have met someone lovely and I really hope your ex backs off so you can enjoy what you've got going on.
When mine has been vile, it feels like OK, I got away from you and have all the responsibility and stress of single parenthood but still have the drama of a bad relationship! 😑 I agree with @Eesha that treading carefully is best until you know MrG really well.
@BellaDiMamma that's a good way to reframe the situation I think and actually a reminder that abusive relationships don't or shouldn't define us. I've sometimes (wrongly) felt like my past means that I'm somehow worth less than the women I know who have always been treated properly by their partners - which I know logically is horseshit! It's nice to focus on the resilience/strength it takes to get through the tough things. Is it today that you go to see MrA's play?

Thanks to everyone who shared about their lack of trust - makes me feel less of a weirdo. I really do want to get past it, @Isitreallyme177 you summed it up that it's scary allowing someone in in case they hurt you. Rven being let down by someone I dated twice made me sad so I dread getting dumped or falling for someone who ends up being a nasty piece of work once they've got me. I'm trying to replace my fear with optimism but it's a slow process!

@Dazedandconfused10 were you just not feeling it? Is he worth a second go?
@Cocopogo phone calls can be such a good screening tool! Keep us posted if you do manage to schedule a date!

I've got a few chats going, nothing too exciting. MrTeacher is trying to entice me to his to cook for me - bit much for a second date or OK? We haven't kissed or anything yet so I dont even know if I fancy him really.

Had a somewhat cool response from Ms Lithuanian after suggesting going out in evening for 4th date.

Apparently she is busy the next 2 weekends.

3rd date went really well and ended with big snog.

Will try not to obsess.

@Eesha @BelladiMamma @MizK

Thanks for your responses and wisdom, that’s so helpful.
@eesha that’s a really good point about being seen as a victim. Obviously no judgement here, but “Victim” isn’t really the look I’m aiming for!
@bella that makes absolute sense about the twin risks - I hadn’t really thought about it that way, but it’s good to know that there are 2 different things I should be looking out for. I’m certainly not dating with the intention of being rescued (I’ve got a great support network already in my friends, family and therapist) so - while this seems like the lesser of 2 evils compared with a potential guy who might “set me up as a victim to abuse me” - it’s still definitely worth avoiding as it probably doesn’t make for the most healthy relationship. So yes, that’s a good reason to keep what I’m currently going through (ex-wise) away from Mr G or any other future iron.
@mizK I got away from you and have all the responsibility and stress of single parenthood but still have the drama of a bad relationship! oh yes, this exactly! I agree it feels unfair. But I guess we just have to do the best we can with the hand we’ve been dealt.

@mizK MrTeacher is trying to entice me to his to cook for me - bit much for a second date or OK? We haven't kissed or anything yet so I dont even know if I fancy him really. Sounds like a nice date, but I’d stay in public spaces until I knew someone a bit better.

@TobyEsterhase she might genuinely be busy. I agree, best not to obsess about it. Remember, 2nd date went well and she snogged you! But maybe let her come back with an alternative date suggestion?

Like, conversation flowed, our personalities are very different, there was just something about him that made me put my guard right up. Then he kept asking me to stay over (no.) And was pushing for us to spend Sunday together and I think it just felt too much.

I have a date zero today so will see how that goes instead.

dazed Even if you can't articulate a specific reason, a gut instinct should never be ignored. Although pushing for you to stay over is a very specific reason, and reason enough to write that one off, I'd say.

Good luck to everyone having dates this weekend. I'm still off the apps, want to relaunch at some point with new pics and text but can't quite face it at the moment. Will probably wait until January now.

Okay after a couple of lagers whilst watching the football last night I messaged Computer Geek 🤦‍♀️😬🙈🤣. He won't reply but I think it had to be done just to get closure and get Computer Geek put to bed(excuse the pun🙈) once and fall all. My best friend was "you loon was alcohol involved! Now you'll be checking to see if he has read it".

@MizK it is the scariest part, my heart broke when I split with my husband. I've never felt pain like it, I saw my future disappear. So I said I never want to go through that again. Then along came Computer Geek, who was going through the same thing and I completely understood how he was feeling. I also get why Mr Cricket's ex feels the way she does (I feel so sorry for her but being difficult and clinging on to the hope he'll change his mind isn't going to help her when he has made his mind up and I so wish I could tell her that).

@StartingAgain6369 for basics I’d suggest New Look or Next tall. My youngest DD is 6’ but the trousers fit great. Also long sleeved tops from these ranges actually have sleeves that are long enough!