Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I'm still sifting through, so many upates! @Eesha go for a outfit you really are comfortable in, not like an unflattering one but something you've worn that's made you feel 'sexy' i guess... worst is when you over do it and end up totally uncomfortable. I either go tight on the bottom and casual on top with high-heel boots or revealing on top with darker fitted jeans/black trousers and the high-heel boots! But i'm sooo not a fancy dresser!

Who ever is trying to take off MsSunglasses, sunglasses amongst other things don't cook anything massive, i'm personally not a big fan of complicated fancy food so keep it nice and simple and light!

Wow 🤩 another busy day on the thread.

Newbies you've had some great advice there from @Eesha and @SpringlikeBunk

@jugglingjobs frankly if I find out they're a secret member of the orange order (some bloke actually told me his parents marched with them!) I do get a bit put off. I know it's all in the past and we should move on and all that but there's still an atavistic fear 😅. I'm also part Jewish (from way back) and half French so basically anyone who's Heinz 57 is my bag too ☺️

@Eesha yes I hear you re casual and FWB and emotional support. Like @Onesmallstep67 I can be quite open but that's also dangerous as we've discussed before, the whole trauma bonding that can go down is not good. @Onesmallstep67 MrV does sound like a great partner even if it isn't loves young dream.

@Naimee87 all I'm saying is 🧲 😄

@VanGoghsDog isn't MrWG the kind of guy who'd give you plenty of notice if he couldn't come? I know you've had hiccups but he seems pretty organised?

@Isitreallyme177 @Dazedandconfused10 I got a terrible set of flakes from Bumble. I almost wish they hadn't matched. Other than
MrTattoo they were pretty random. I wasn't impressed. @Isitreallyme177 you'd never think out me in a 'Feeld' box if you met me IRL but there you go, you never know til you've tried 😄. I'm kinda surprised myself.

@jugglingjobs I've been with Mr K 2 years and we met on Fabswingers. It was 100% about the sex at the start, we were both a year out of bad relationships and FWB suited us, then it grew into something more.

Its a shame some of your hobbies are girly, and it sounds like you don't have time for more hobbies.

Just keep bearing with it and get those meets in quickly so you're not wasting time.

Didn't have a chance to read but will update from the truck and hopefully get to catch up with what you're all up to at some point soon! ... Got to my DS to his friends and get myself looking decent! I love going to find out where he is... such a adventure!

@jugglingjobs

hi everyone, I'm popping into the world of online dating again I think

I just don't really like online dating, but I would love to meet someone for dates and I really really need some action. The problem is I don't seem to like anyone, I get bored so easily when messaging and when I do meet people from online I just never really like them.

I then wonder why I am always alone

Is anyone else like this? I think I connect better with people I meet in person, but these days I don't go out alot and when I do I don't think people are mixing as much maybe due to covid.

Yeah I know what you mean, don’t mess around with too much chatting, get face 2 face ASAP, that’s really caught me out a couple of times, you think you know someone, turns out there are nothing like how you had built up in your head.

Memes

@BelladiMamma I mean, I've not found a relationship on bumble yet but, I'm getting dates, so it's possible one could eventually happen. I'm having a moment though where I'm going to focus on just enjoying the dating and not have any expectations

@BelladiMamma

I guess he himself is fairly organised but he has a lot of pressures on his time and he's away with the fairies half the time.
Sat before last I spoke to him, he said he was going to try driving Tue and if he was OK he'd come over Wed. Never heard a word from him til Friday.....
I had set him the task of finding a time to meet up before I came away, he said weekend of 6th, then at 11.30pm Fri he texted to say he'd been called to some work and wouldn't be around.

So, having not come on the Wed he then didn't come the weekend either.

I was very miffed and so nearly replied "I'm done".

I left it and then asked him to call me when he got back, which he did and I said I needed to know about this week because I can make other plans.
This week is dependent on a) his car being fixed and passing MOT which was planned Monday, it wasn't. Parts ordered to come Tuesday, it wasn't fixed Tue, he texted to say it should be done today so still OK to come tomorrow. No word today.......
And b) whether his sister needs him to babysit, which in turn is dependent on her ever changing shifts, and her ex husband and his ever changing shifts......

[quote Dazedandconfused10]@BelladiMamma I mean, I've not found a relationship on bumble yet but, I'm getting dates, so it's possible one could eventually happen. I'm having a moment though where I'm going to focus on just enjoying the dating and not have any expectations[/quote]
True. I had a run of really bad luck on bumble. I got chats and about 4/5 meets but 2 really bad flakes which were awful for my general where's my head at type vibe

@Isitreallyme177 so if hes hot and you fancy him why didn't things go any further then friends?

I think if so many of us don't like online dating we need to come up with a plan to meet people in another way, any suggestions it's actually hard to speak to a stranger if you see a good looking guy in the shop for example you can't just randomly speak to them, what if their gf or wife is in the next isle

@SpringlikeBunk so what did you do when you " tried to go completely real life a couple months ago" just looking for tips so whats your new guy like and where did you meet him? How long have you been dating?

@Eesha oh wow you spoke that quickly, I'm not sue why but i feel cringed out by speaking on the phone to someone I have never met, which is very odd because for work I speak to strangers alot and I'm very comfortable with it

@SortingItOut how lovely, so there is hope for the rest of us yet

@Eesha
30 minutes?

@jugglingjobs

I think if so many of us don't like online dating we need to come up with a plan to meet people in another way, any suggestions grin it's actually hard to speak to a stranger if you see a good looking guy in the shop for example you can't just randomly speak to them, what if their gf or wife is in the next isle shock

I did once have a woman start talking to me in the Frozen isle in Tesco one time, turned out all she wanted was a couple of deep pan pepperoni pizzas but couldn’t reach them

@FabulousMrFifty I guess I like chatting and I felt that the conversation was going in a fun way so either I was going to speak then or later tonight.

@jugglingjobs

I tried speed dating but that got cancelled, someone at work had a bit of a thing on me but tbh was more of a “random abroad conference flirtation” and not someone I would have wanted to date full-time?

(I just moved city so juggling a lot!)

I’d say it wouldn’t be impossible for me to meet someone through work as lots of collaboration and conferences and placements.

That said, in my age range (30’s) I think a lot of the decent guys are off the market or busy with work so use apps for dating anyway?

Plus if a guy takes his career seriously he’s probably quite cautious about socialising or dating even if there’s mutual attraction.

I’ve found hobby groups don’t really tend to be that well attended by guys I find attractive plus it can be a bit of a shit tense group atmosphere if everyone is “on the pull”? Plus it’s extra time and energy socialising “out-out” all the time.

That said I know people have had some success so guess it depends on preferences and location?

I think patience and mixing it up and being open to experience is the key - current date is very attractive, bumble, ticks a few boxes and a nice guy (but often these things fizzle out).

For me I want to date but also personally would rather not “over-function” so try to avoid chasing guys or trying to pin them down - for me either something works or it doesn’t?

Come to the London meet-up in February and you can try the old fashioned way!

@Naimee87 have fun 😉, looking forward to the update.

@jugglingjobs you'll have to ask him 🤷‍♀️🤣. I didn't fancy him at first not sure why, but over time it has grown as he shows me what a lovely man he is. I have no clue how he feels about me and I'm too scared to ask as I don't want to risk losing him as a friend.

*This is me on a day when I'm not overthinking and getting carried away.

Arf at supermarket women @FabulousMrFifty

I think this is the issue with chatting people up or being chatted up in public?

I'm definitely not against it, but also a lot of the people who come onto me are desperate or not my type

or in the workplace there's sexual harassment issues and also the kind of guy who will chat women in the workplace is often a sleaze and/or partnered up?

Plus I can be fairly focussed on whatever I'm doing (and guys often are the same) if it's a hobby or a sport

so I guess using the apps is just a more focussed way of meeting people who are "technically available and looking to meet someone"

@FabulousMrFifty but did she really just want the pizza or was her excuse to speak to you and you missed it? I'm quite short so that could be a way to talk to strangers in shops if I ever do see anyone attractive

@SpringlikeBunk where is the london meet up? That sounds like a good idea

@Isitreallyme177 maybe he likes you too, next time you meet up why don't you have some wine then try to kiss him, if it doesn't go well blame the wine if you both stayed in contact there must be a reason? So how did you become friends did you have the conversation of your a lovely guy but I see it more as friends?

@SpringlikeBunk
I mostly work with other blokes (and current home based), the work thing is kinda out.

As a middle aged white man, going out and strike up a conversation with strange (not weird strange) women is an absolute no no in this day in and age.

So as you say with the apps you know what people are there for.

But IRL I know several single/ divorced men & I'm sure the women know groups of single/ divorced ladies, but the 2 “groups”, never seem to cross paths

It's fine to strike up conversation with unknown women.

I can't think of many single women - I want to invite some to my Christmas drinks to offset the failed Tinder guys, of whom there are at least three I want to invite who are single.

The big question re the drinks is whether to invite MrStone and/or MrWG, or neither.
I expect I will ask MrStone only, but I don't want him to get any ideas!

@jugglingjobs
All she wanted was the pizzas, she popped them in her trolly and wondered off, it’s not the 1st time either, I’m 6ft so have been asked a few times by both genders to get stuff of the top shelf, either I’m quite approachable or just happen to be the tallest person around at that moment in time ( or they think I work for Tesco)

Im more like Hugh Bonneville ( bumbling county type), and not so much of the James Dean vibe

Although there was a female PM at work that I really liked, and we seemed to get on okay, turned our she had a wife.

@jugglingjobs way back in May we were supposed to go out for a drink (2nd date/date 1 depends how you see your first meeting), I was encouraged to ask him for a drink by a lot of alcohol and one of my oldest dearest friends who said if I didn't ask him he would send the message for me as he thought he sounded like a decent guy and I should give it a go. So I got very drunk and didn't look at my phone until the next day, when he had agreed to the drink. He had to cancel as his ex was going out and wanted him to look after their daughter. A few days later he said he wasn't really in the right place to date right now as he is in the middle of his divorce but wanted to stay in touch and meet as friends. So we did. I agreed as at the time I didn't really feel that spark I just thought he was a nice guy (my best friend told me she didn't think he excited me). But he was amazing when one of my cats died suddenly. There's an awful lot more but that would take too long. Needless to say his ex is still being difficult, but he moves into his own place next week.

@VanGoghsDog when you say to "to offset the failed Tinder guys" are these guys you had dates with and didn't like? Do you think they are decent guys so that is why your prepared to pass them on

I had a date with a guy I just didn't fancy, I tried to set him up with my friend but he didn't go for it.

@FabulousMrFifty you should hang around supermarkets more this could be your way of meeting a lovely lady

@Isitreallyme177 so has he been living with the ex all this time? If he has it makes sense he wasn't ready to date, but good news he is getting his own place, maybe this one will be a slow burner for you maybe just see how things go?

@VanGoghsDog when you say to "to offset the failed Tinder guys" are these guys you had dates with and didn't like? Do you think they are decent guys so that is why your prepared to pass them on

Pretty much. I mean, they wanted to "stay friends" and I can't not invite friends to my drinks party, but at the same time they need to be diluted a bit!

I'm still hopeful that the Mr cricket situation will turn out to be a slow burn @Isitreallyme177 if things start to settle down when he's moved and got into a routine with his DC.
You've had great advice @jugglingjobs especially that distilled version of 'how to do the apps' from @SpringlikeBunk, honestly Bunk you should write a book or set up a coaching service!
My weird overthinking anxiety bubble seems to be disappearing. It's a gentle deflate rather than a pop, a PP said to just enjoy the time now for what it is and not ruin the present by thinking about the future (possibly @Onesmallstep67?). Hope this weekend is calm for you resilient is an excellent adjective for you, I think it whenever I read about how you've navigated life and parenting after your DH passed away.
Enjoy @Naimee87 and glad your DD is feeling a little better @BelladiMamma. Hi to everyone else!