Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@StartingAgain6369
Ah, I get you, Ms S is bringing pud, is she, nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean, etc etc

Maybe you start with dessert first…

(For those of you under about 50, that’s a Month Python sketch)

Wish someone was offering me a delicious pudding... euphemistically or otherwise

Mmm pudding, 😛

@Onesmallstep67 @eesha totally taking on board these comments. This is what I feel too and yes I'm still checking on Feeld as is he. So yes lots of mixed signals from both of us and lots of different commitments to juggle. The two of us can do a great job laying on the charm and staying in touch. I feel like I've met my match in terms of being a bit of a player it also an authentic guy who has lots of options and a busy life. I also like picking up the 'you're so gorgeous when can we meet' messages from Feeld as validation. Yes, I know, it's very shallow of me. But my exh body shamed and slut shamed me and this is all part of the process. Plus I love a good ole flirt of an otherwise quiet evening at home.

@eesha as you say, so long as it's a nice evening out and he's a good guy, that's all you can ask for really on a first meet

@Onesmallstep67 my DD is very needy at the moment so I'm giving her priority over everything else. Doesn't stop me from wanting to have some adult company, even if I could just see a mate it would be great.

@Onesmallstep67 apparently his mother has already offered to look after it when he is away flying overnight/more than one day but if he takes this secondment he won't get it until the middle of next year. Personally I'm not sure how well the secondment will go down with his ex and daughter, him not being based in the UK for 6 months but I'm staying well out of that.

@Onesmallstep67

My DD would love a dog but we have several cats who wouldn't be impressed. And a dog seems a much bigger commitment and needing looking after if you are away overnight. How will Mr Cricket manage a puppy and being away flying regularly do you think isit ? (sorry to hear that life got in the way of you getting to see the film together) bella I think I would sit tight for the time being with Mr A. It sounds like you are both juggling various different demands. I think I was about 6 months or more in before I alluded in conversation to Mr V that we were in a relationship. Are you still checking in on Feeld ? From the day Mr V and I started chatting on WA I never logged back in to POF, almost 2 years ago, and I still get emails from them saying I have had a mutual match ! It's Mr V's birthday today and he has the next 5 days off so was (am) looking forward to spending a bit of extra time with him but my older Dd is coming home from uni until Saturday and has told me she's missed me and needs some quality time together. It is also the anniversary of their DF's death this weekend so I will be juggling lots of emotions and needs here too. Wish someone was offering me a delicious pudding... euphemistically or otherwise

That's a big weekend coming up for you too. How do you normally mark it? ♥️

@BelladiMamma - how can you tell who is "live" on Feeld? I can't see any way of telling if they are online?

I am away in the West country now for nearly four weeks, on my own (well, dogs and chooks).
MrWG is due to arrive tomorrow until Monday, I'm off work Fri to Wed, and not much to do tomorrow. I'm waiting for him to cancel though, as he so often does......(keeps muttering about some car problem).

MrStone wanted to come and stay but I said no. I mean, I don't want to lead him on, plus I'd have to make up the other bedroom! He texted me saying "I think I'm going to miss you a bit, I've been enjoying our trips out".

To be honest, if he was slightly less full on and if I fancied him, he's a far better prospect overall than MrWG. But, that's life huh?
I took pudding when I went to his for dinner, maybe that was what made him ask me to stay the night!

After these few days with MrWG, which will be the most time we have ever (and probably will ever) spent together, it will be time for me to reflect on that situation and decide what I'm doing about it. So, be ready for some angsty posts in a few days time!

Oh, on being cooked for....I insist on it. I don't cook for men. MrWG will do all the cooking when he's here, from pancakes for breakfast, wraps for lunch and steak for dinner - even if he doesn't want to eat it!

Thank you @BelladiMamma, we don't really have a set thing that we do. Last year DD1 was at uni and sent flowers on the day. This year she will be here but heading back to see her BF on the afternoon. Younger DD will be at her drama group in the afternoon but I have said to Mr V that I won't see him on Saturday, mostly just to give everyone that bit of space . It's an odd but different balancing act to what most of you face with your ex partners. I talk about my late DH anecdotally with Mr V and of course frequently with Dds. I've never been one to be uncomfortable about partners talking about their past but again it's been easy with Mr V and I think sharing the impact on you helps others to sometimes understand why you may act or feel the way that you do. I feel hugely different about things now to how I did those first couple of years though.

[quote VanGoghsDog]@BelladiMamma - how can you tell who is "live" on Feeld? I can't see any way of telling if they are online?

I am away in the West country now for nearly four weeks, on my own (well, dogs and chooks).
MrWG is due to arrive tomorrow until Monday, I'm off work Fri to Wed, and not much to do tomorrow. I'm waiting for him to cancel though, as he so often does......(keeps muttering about some car problem).

MrStone wanted to come and stay but I said no. I mean, I don't want to lead him on, plus I'd have to make up the other bedroom! He texted me saying "I think I'm going to miss you a bit, I've been enjoying our trips out".

To be honest, if he was slightly less full on and if I fancied him, he's a far better prospect overall than MrWG. But, that's life huh?
I took pudding when I went to his for dinner, maybe that was what made him ask me to stay the night!

After these few days with MrWG, which will be the most time we have ever (and probably will ever) spent together, it will be time for me to reflect on that situation and decide what I'm doing about it. So, be ready for some angsty posts in a few days time!

Oh, on being cooked for....I insist on it. I don't cook for men. MrWG will do all the cooking when he's here, from pancakes for breakfast, wraps for lunch and steak for dinner - even if he doesn't want to eat it![/quote]
It just has a 'last seen' function which I wish it didn't, because it's a bit of an invasion of privacy on both sides.

Wow, being away for that long. What a wonderful thing to do, even if you're juggling the competing interests of MrStone and MrWG.

From what I've read of your posts and about MrStone I am not sure that MrStone is such a great prospect for you? He seems quite intense and that would wear thin wouldn't it? An ideal combination of the two would probably be ideal.

I've just stumbled across a really interesting social media post by an older woman. She's talking about how sexual desire was always in response to a man's desire and caught up in raising children etc she never really explored her own sexual identity. It resonates so much!! Even now I know I'm putting so many things on hold because of family responsibilities. Which is as it should be ... but it's why casual dating is the way forward for me, for the moment.

Keep enjoying your time 😁

@Onesmallstep67

Thank you *@BelladiMamma*, we don't really have a set thing that we do. Last year DD1 was at uni and sent flowers on the day. This year she will be here but heading back to see her BF on the afternoon. Younger DD will be at her drama group in the afternoon but I have said to Mr V that I won't see him on Saturday, mostly just to give everyone that bit of space . It's an odd but different balancing act to what most of you face with your ex partners. I talk about my late DH anecdotally with Mr V and of course frequently with Dds. I've never been one to be uncomfortable about partners talking about their past but again it's been easy with Mr V and I think sharing the impact on you helps others to sometimes understand why you may act or feel the way that you do. I feel hugely different about things now to how I did those first couple of years though.

Yes sometimes it's as simple as just setting the day aside. I get together with my dear late bro's friends, at least one of them, and we go to the grave on his birthday and his anniversaries. It always feels good and I'm always pleased to have done it. All his anniversaries are in winter and it can be hard going.

@Onesmallstep67

Thank you *@BelladiMamma*, we don't really have a set thing that we do. Last year DD1 was at uni and sent flowers on the day. This year she will be here but heading back to see her BF on the afternoon. Younger DD will be at her drama group in the afternoon but I have said to Mr V that I won't see him on Saturday, mostly just to give everyone that bit of space . It's an odd but different balancing act to what most of you face with your ex partners. I talk about my late DH anecdotally with Mr V and of course frequently with Dds. I've never been one to be uncomfortable about partners talking about their past but again it's been easy with Mr V and I think sharing the impact on you helps others to sometimes understand why you may act or feel the way that you do. I feel hugely different about things now to how I did those first couple of years though.

Also the 2 year mark is key I think. I'm at 2 years now, post exh and I ending things. I think with the divorce finalised now and just the memory of those two awful last trips we took away with the DC as my last memories of the nuclear holocaust that was the end of our relationship, there is a turning point. Something about getting through anniversaries, getting everything sorted admin wise (still doing this!), it just helps doesn't it.

@VanGoghsDog, oh I really hope that Mr WG doesn't have to cancel or change the plans. Those days together will be a great opportunity to make progress with seeing if there is a way for you both to make it work. Fingers crossed.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@StartingAgain6369
Ah, I get you, Ms S is bringing pud, is she, nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean, etc etc

Maybe you start with dessert first…

(For those of you under about 50, that’s a Month Python sketch)[/quote]
@FabulousMrFifty

As long as the date doesn't go the same way as a Norwegian Blue I think I'll be ok

@BelladiMamma perhaps emotions were heightened given things with your daughter and maybe you wanted to cement things more with Mr A? He seems legitimately interested though so enjoy the ride so to speak!

I seem to have picked up another iron, yet another Italian! This will be 3 now this year. so I'm not sure what perfume I'm wearing which attracts them (though I'm very dark skinned). Bonus : lives walking distance, artistic and in a band. Cons : artistic and a singer in a band.

@Onesmallstep67 you have been through such a tough time and I completely admire how chilled you always seem here. Mr V seems like a great addition to your life

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma perhaps emotions were heightened given things with your daughter and maybe you wanted to cement things more with Mr A? He seems legitimately interested though so enjoy the ride so to speak!

I seem to have picked up another iron, yet another Italian! This will be 3 now this year. so I'm not sure what perfume I'm wearing which attracts them (though I'm very dark skinned). Bonus : lives walking distance, artistic and in a band. Cons : artistic and a singer in a band.[/quote]
That's exactly it. I was feeling really vulnerable and anxious because DD was / is feeling down and also exh was bombarding me with his classic hot / cold / push / pull communications. Going from insults in one message to wanting to meet up with me in another. I've emailed my therapist as I literally just want someone that I can read them out loud to and help me figure out what to do.

I like the pros and cons of your new iron 😂

@BelladiMamma I think casual is good fun till you actually need emotional support and you realise that person may not be able to provide it and that's when you want more. I had a FWB for a year and he was hopeless with life in general (various mental issues) but he adored me and the physical stuff was good. However I started losing interest when my ex was being abusive and FWB was useless. I realised I wanted much more from someone.

Thank you @Eesha, that's a very kind thing to say. I use the word resilient when thinking about myself. I don't always share the minutiae of things on here, I'm sure no one does but I'm not always able to rise above things or rationalise them. I do however try not to let the small things get to me. For a long time my emotions took such a battering with losing DH and my parents, guiding the girls through those times as they grew up and navigating a very mixed bag of a RS with my last DP, that now most of that is behind me life feels a lot easier. I think I feel pretty philosophical about things with Mr V. It's not a huge love match, he's not emotionally articulate enough really for me, but he's kind, consistent, very funny and never causes any drama. And I kind of know that like so many of us, if needed I will pick myself back up and start again if things don't progress with him. My resilience won't let me give up. Life is short and should be embraced. Sorry, last bit turning a bit into #live,laugh,love

@BelladiMamma - your post made me laugh "It's made me realise that I should probably update my profile to 'working class gobby third generation Irish Catholic only please" do you think this is an acceptable thing to put on your profile as this is basically what I am looking for as I am also from an irish family

@Shayelle2009 have you been on any dates recently? It can feel like such hard work at times but surley there has to be some nice fanciable guys out there

@SortingItOut - how long have you been with Mr k and did you meet online? I am the same as I am very busy I have two jobs and I'm studying and also you know being a single mum, I don't feel like wasting time if i'm not very into them. I feel like my hobbies are very girly so not much chance of meeting someone that way, I feel like i need to start going out for proper nights out again as thats how I used to meet people, but I don't really have that many single friends to go out with. I think I meet more people in clubs than bars but not sure I'm so much up for clubs at the moment.

I went online last night and started a couple of chats, I think you are right I need to meet quickly or I will get bored.

@jugglingjobs

hi everyone, I'm popping into the world of online dating again I think

I just don't really like online dating, but I would love to meet someone for dates and I really really need some action. The problem is I don't seem to like anyone, I get bored so easily when messaging and when I do meet people from online I just never really like them.

I then wonder why I am always alone

Is anyone else like this? I think I connect better with people I meet in person, but these days I don't go out alot and when I do I don't think people are mixing as much maybe due to covid.

@jugglingjobs I feel like this, I had a disastrous attempt at OLD and gave up. I do want to meet someone but I find the apps are just horrible. I met two people, one I'm still in touch with and we do meet when we can (which is about once a month)but it is nothing but two friends meeting up for coffee or the cinema(he's hot and I do fancy him and go through phases where I get carried away with my day dreaming). The other i would have liked to stay in touch with but he couldn't for his own reasons(I say he is a twat but in reality he was just an emotional wreck). The rest were a waste of time.

I admit I downloaded Tinder the other day but deleted it a few hours later it just made me feel depressed.

Magnet-man's in town!! Yessssssss!!

Now to catch up with everyone elses antics!

@Isitreallyme177 I found tinder the worst! Not to mention the first 3 people on there where people I actually know! Deleted that one within 10 mins. I've met 1 person off hinge and several off bumble, seem to get most success there- well my version of success of meeting for 2 weeks then they don't like me anymore!

Ah, the "last seen" is only on the paid version, I've never paid for any of the apps.

Yes, MrStone is too intense really. But, maybe he's just normal and I'm used to emotionally unavailable people?

Nothing from MrWG yet to say he's not coming........

@Naimee87 - have fun!

@Dazedandconfused10 Bumble was the worst for me, they just never replied. Computer Geek and Mr Cricket were both from Tinder. I'm surprised Mr Cricket was on Tinder though as he doesn't strike me as a Tinder type of person.

So Tinder to me was kind of a success.

enjoy the magnetism @Naimee87

@jugglingjobs

Welcome, agree with pps about having a bit of a "love-hate" feeling about the apps.

Yes, they can be really horrible, and I myself have had to take lots of breaks. I tried to go completely real life a couple months ago as I found them so cynical.

But...also they're a good tool for just bringing up a lot of new people quickly, who I wouldn't otherwise? So a "necessary evil".

I think someone wrote a really good post on using the apps which I've tried to distil...

• Treat it just as meeting new people, rather than trying to get into the "is this person the love of my life?" thing.

• Make sure you cut down to the "essential" of what you want and don't filter on the superficials (I think looking at profiles it's so easy to dismiss people for things we wouldn't IRL?)

• But do be strict on things like manners/pushiness? I've found a lot of the more "eligible on paper" guys can be very entitled.

• After filtering for red flags, maybe a phone call, try to get to the meet quickly .

• There's definitely genuine attractive guys on there, but also accept there's a large percentage of losers and creeps and sex-hounds and flakes and guys who look great but aren't into me or have seen a better match? It isn't personal?

Offhand, I'd say out of say 25 initial matches, chats will only get going with 4-5, then maybe 2-3 to meet...

• And after that then it's the early dating stage (which is where I'm at with someone lol) to see if things carry on.

• I don't really think there's a "shortcut" to getting past the sifting process tbh? You can't really force it and have to have patience. Low expectations and try to just enjoy the journey.

• Especially if you're trying to fit your own life and have boundaries! I've dated through exams and big work stuff and of course I'm sure some guys have naturally dropped off as a result - but it's just setting priorities for me really?

@jugglingjobs I also try and do a call or video call ASAP. For example, matched with Mr Italy #3 today about 10am, called him half 10. Otherwise I feel I'm wasting my time.