My life fell apart overnight.

[Whendidthishappen]

Hi just want some advice and it could be me thats in the wrong. But I am really upset and didn't know where else to turn.

Me and dp have been together 5 years. Generally a good relationship. He has never given me reason to doubt his honesty. Ever.
I have 2 kids (13 & 17) not Dps. Lived together since the first lockdown as i needed to continue to work and he was furloughed so he helped out with the kids school etc so I could continue working. It worked well. So he is still here. Life's been good.

Anyway, his mother and father (never met her) were shit. She abandoned him when he was 2, in a house on his own, when his dad was working away and he was found 2 days later. She had run off with OM, had more kids and did the same again to leave for another OM. His dad was a waste of space. Caused dp quite a bit of issues but he worked on those years ago and, since I have known him, been oregamatic about it all.

Dp has only ever had contact with 2 of his half siblings and his mother refuses to have contact with any of them.

One of dps half sister got in touch a few years ago. It was great at first, but it then became apparent she had severe mental health issues and a really bad drink and drug problem. Dp tried to help her and it ended with her turning up at mine or his house at all hours ranting and raving. I told dp if she came to mine again, I would call the police as she was scaring my kids and pissing off me and my neighbours. I felt for her, because her childhood was awful. But it was really impacting me and my kids.

Then she started sending dp text messages saying that him and her could be in a relationship because they are only half siblings and it wasn't a big deal. She said it was shame he was with me, but 'I won't say anything if you dont'. Both me and dp were sickened. He told me the minute these started coming through and He cut contact with her and blocked her on everything.

Anyway in July, this year she opened a new Facebook and contacted him again. He told me straight away. She told him she had therapy and was deeply ashamed of her behaviour. Me and dp talked. I said I get that he may want to support her, but I wasn't comfortable with it, especially given the text messages and the erratic behaviour and I didn't want her near my house. I pointed out that if my brother has sent me similar texts messages, caused us lots of issues he wouldn't be happy about me having contact with him either. I didnt issue an ultimatum just told him how I feel. Dp said he didn't want to risk her causing trouble again (he didn't believe she had therapy) and that he was still really uncomfortable with the messages about how they could be in a relationship. So he messaged he didn't want contact and blocked her.

So, to last night. At about 11pm his phone goes off and he looks really shocked reading the message. His nana has been ill so I thought it was about her. So I asked. He then looked really flustered and I knew something wasn't right so pressed him.

He then said she had messaged him asking if he knew anyone who could get her some coke. So I was really shocked. Firstly I wanted to know why she would think he would know anyone who would sell her coke. He said he had no idea as she had never asked something like that before. Secondly, if he had cut contact, how and why was she contacting him now.

She then sent a barage of messages saying it wasn't for her and he shouldn't stress out, then as he didn't reply (because we were having it out) she started telling him he could 'fuck right off then'.

Dp showed me the messages they have been in touch and chatting since July, when he said he blocked her. Nothing sexual or crossing that sort of line. But she has been sending him photos of her now 4 month old dd. They have been checking in on eachother and discussing day to day things

I am really upset. I know I can not and should not, force him to not have contact with her.

But she is clearly on drugs again, and I can't have the drama caused before.

The relationship texts messages make me really uncomfortable. He said they made him really uncomfortable, but obviously not. Last night he said she had told him that she was Hugh went she sent those and she felt awful and sickened herself.

Then I am upset that he made the decision to block her in July but completely lied to me about it. And since has been chatting away with her, all while knowing he had told me he wasn't.

I get if he feels that he needs to support, that's what he needs to do. It gives me the ick, tbh, given the dodgy text messages. But if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do. I didn't say this to him in July, or last night, but if he wants/needs to help her, I can't be with him. My kids shouldn't have to put up with her, I shouldn't. I can't take all the drama. And her messages about them being in a relationship really sickens me (I was sexually abused as a child, nor sure if thats why I am so uncomfortable about it).

He didn't say much last night. At first he claimed that they hadn't been in touch. Then I pointed out they obviously has and she wasn't blocked and he didn't tell me. Then he showed me the messages so he lied again. Telling me they hadn't had contact, when they had.

I thought our relationship was based in being a team and mutual respect and honesty. I feel like he has been making an idiot out of me for months. There I was thinking everything was great and that he was so honest. And it turns out he has been lying.

Now I am sat in the living room on my own (ds and ds stayed at my mums last night) crying but unsure if it's me thats over reacting. I just feel so sad that he lied to me. Its like its changed how I see him.

I may be in the wrong but I just don't want to be with him. Its like my life imploded last night. Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be appreciated.

Thank you if you get through all that. Also, I name changed for obvious reasons and MN can verify I have been here about 10 years, if anyone thinks I am making this up.

OH OP I do feel for you and I think this is one of those where you have every right to feel like you do and that you dont want her in your life. But at the same time with his childhood and abandonment and I assume her having the same experience with their mother bonds them and he again has every right to feel he doesnt want to abandon her.

But he has also lied to you. It is ok for you to have this as a line in the sand for your relationship OP and to prioritise your children. I think ending it is probably the right choice though painful.

You are not in the wrong. Neither you or your DC need this drama in your lives

Thank you both.

I do get there complicated feelings and they both had similar experiences as kids. I do get him feeling he should help her.

I just can't deal with the lying and drama.

And we definitely don't need it.

I suppose though there was a tiny part of me that hoped people would think I was over reacting. But, I think I know deep down I am not.

He didn't come to bed last night and went up at 6am when I got up, which I have preferred. I didn't want to sleep next him. So he just got up.

He said he has now blocked and there's nothing more he can do. But he could just unblock and delete the messages.

I just can't get passed him lying and make an idiot out me. I genuinely trusted him

Ew.

Clearly she needs support, but he is probably not the right person to do it.

It's good that this is making you look at him differently. Again Ew

I should think he's very conflicted about all this hence not coming clean. One one hand he feels he should help her because she's family and had the same awful childhood he did, on the other she is clearly highly disturbed and not an influence either of you would want on your own family. You don't want another generation to be affected as she was.

I think you need to sit him down and talk. Acknowledge that he feels obliged in some way to her, but point out that she is not his responsibility and if he takes her on it will probably cost him you and your children because you couldn't possibly countenance her being involved in your family. Look what's happened so far. She has found him, sensed weakness (to her - most of us would say decency and kindness) and used it to her advantage. She won't let go unless he's strong to the point of unkindness.

What he could do is to supply her with links to agencies that could help her. She won't use them, but at least he will have tried. And possibly talk to them himself. He needs someone to tell him he isn't qualified to help her. Everyone who knows anything about these things says it has to be the addict themselves who look for help and anything anyone else does for them is like a big never ending hole that will never be filled. He will throw his current happy life down it, together with any money or love he gives her and he will end up regretting it.

It sounds like he needs to clear his head and realise what he’s doing. He’s not her therapist. It’s ok to be in touch infrequently and superficially, or not at all. And you’re right, your kids don’t need the drama.

Your not in the wrong, but I don’t think he is either.

This must be so hard for him, I can just imagine and the emotions his going through and the level of complexity must be overwhelming, he probably doesn’t know what way to turn, because either way has a negative.

This is difficult, I can see it from all angles. He needs to decide or come to the conclusion himself that’s he didn’t abandon her, and unfortunately, you just can’t save everyone. She is not well, he can’t help her, he is not a professional.

I don’t think he made an idiot out of you, and I don’t think this is the time to not be on his side, he is so conflicted obviously, I think you should be supportive and understanding.

It’s not his fault he can’t help her, he needs to be supported in seeing this

I wouldn't want to be with him either. His situation is too chaotic for me, and not something I'd want my DC exposed to either. The only way I'd continue us if he cut all ties with her. Their relationship is not good for her anyway, as she's not coming from a healthy place and it could actually damage her more in the long run. She is going to face more rejection as she confuses family feelings with sexual ones. Its very sad for her and him, but he should really cut ties, or at the minimum only build a relationship with expert intervention. The lies are an issue, but for me not the main one as I get why he did it, he feels an obligation to her. I think you're focusing on the fact that he lied to give you justification for leaving him, when you don't need any.

He probably just has no idea what to do, on the one hand she's family and on the other men are pretty hopeless at dealing with complex emotional dramas like this.
I expect he is totally flummoxed.

The truth is you are telling him that it's ok if he wants to have contact w her as long as you are involved when it's really, really clear it's not all right with you. So no he shouldn't lie but I can quite see why he did.

Sorry "as long as you are not involved "

He truly needs therapy to work on his childhood and current issues. You aren't wrong on how you feel with his sister and the deceit he's used to disguise his contact with her. I'd suggest couples counseling

Liers lie, they don't change, sorry

Possibly he felt he was protecting you from worry, by not telling you they were in touch.
And hoped that the two of them could have a friendly sort of relationship so that she didn't feel totally abandoned.
Then, at some point, he hoped he could tell you that they'd achieved that and his sister was in a better place.

The message last night, tho, showed him that it wasn't working out and she could still be a huge problem to him - and you.

He needs to stay away from her and needs to convince you that he's really doing that.
Of course, he may not be able to convince you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I do think you're right to focus on what you and your kids need so you are not in the wrong.

But it's not as polarised as right/wrong and I do understand your DP's impulse to find family connections for himself. That's not too say you should change your mind though. It's just really sad all round.

I think it is not surprising that he lied to you. It is very hard to extricate yourself from family, and whatever her behaviour, he will have a bedrock of compassion for her (as do you).

You have an absolute right (and it is 100% the right thing) to say she must never come near your home, children, social media etc.

But you can’t demand that he has no contact with her. However, that doesn’t make it wrong that you don’t want this in your life, and don’t want someone in your life who is not honest.

So you have not ‘over reacted’.

Does he know about the abuse you were subjected to?

Has he had or does he have any support or therapy?

It isn’t your job to make yourself uncomfortable and insecure to accommodate his emotional dilemmas.

She's has mental health issues and was has issues with drugs, and asked where to get coke from. She has a baby!! Stop making it about you, and tell husband to call social services. She needs intervention and support from social workers, now, for the sake of that baby.

You sound quite controlling to me and jealous.

Leave him to make his own decisions about his sister. If anything happens to her, he will resent you.

He's an adult. He can text her if he wants!

I'd make it clear, not at my home and mind my own business.

Leave your partner alone.

OP I think he feels pushed into a corner by both you and his Sister. I don't think you need to end things but i do know you need to sit and talk and take on board what each other feeling. It is very hard to completely ignore a sibling, can you imagine asking your 2 children to do that ? I think a bit more understanding on your part is needed.

How does he address the lying to you?

Its his sister, she has a baby; I get he lied and if you don't want to continue the relationship then that's one thing, but if he wants to support her to get help (rather than enable her to go on as she is) then he should be allowed to do that.

Maybe it would just be simpler if he moved out?

“OP I think he feels pushed into a corner by both you and his Sister. I don't think you need to end things but i do know you need to sit and talk and take on board what each other feeling. It is very hard to completely ignore a sibling, can you imagine asking your 2 children to do that ? I think a bit more understanding on your part is needed.”

This.

Also this: “She's has mental health issues and was has issues with drugs, and asked where to get coke from. She has a baby!! … She needs intervention and support from social workers, now, for the sake of that baby.” This seems like the most important thing to me.

Thank you all. There's lots to think about.

To address some issues

Clearly she needs support, but he is probably not the right person to do it.

I think this too. But I can make him not try.

@emeraldjones thank you. We did give her contact details for people who could help. The first time she got in contact. My mum has quite severe mental health issues, so it's something I had a bit of exwprience with.

@LadyWithLapdog thank you. Yes I think he does need to clear his head. But i also understand that's not always easy when emotions are involved.

@Rainbowheart1 I do think he is wrong for lying. But not wanting to help her. I think that's why its very difficult for me. I can't say is entirely wrong.

@5128gap thank you. That's something I need to think about. You may be onto something there.

The truth is you are telling him that it's ok if he wants to have contact w her as long as you are involved when it's really, really clear it's not all right with you. So no he shouldn't lie but I can quite see why he did.

I maybe wasn't clear. What I told him was that I understood why he wanted to help her. But that I also felt uncomfortable with their contact. I think I have a right to express how I feel about the situation. He looked at it from all angles then he decided he was cutting her off. Had he said he wanted to continue to support her I would have accept that and then decided what I wanted do about the relationship. I have no right to tell him he can't speak to her, I acknowledge that. But I do have the right to decide if I want to continue the relationship once he has made these decisions.

I would expect anyone e to be unxomftable with someone messaging their partners saying they could have a sexual relationship and that they wouldn't tell their girlfriend if they did. I would be really surprised if people were fine if this person was related to their partner.

@beautiful3 social service have already been involved for a while. I told him that he should be calling them again.

@LittlefairyMum thank you for your understanding. You may think its dramatic. But dp was someone who never lied to me and we had relationship where we could dicuss anything. That's changed and I do t want to be in a relationship where he hides things

I didn't demand, he stop contacting her I was quite clear in my op that I never issued an ultimatum. I simply communicated how I felt. Are you suggesting I should have said I was fine with it when I wasn't.

I also think I can end a relationship for any reason. And I think ending a relationship because your partners family bring drama to your doorstep is a perfectly valid reason to end it.

He absolutely has the right to text anyone he wants. But surely I have the same right to end a relationship?

I haven't actually told Dp I am thinking of ending it yet. He knows I am upset about the lies and uncomfortable given her inappropriate texts.

And I said it feels like my life has fallen apart. Of course it isn't physically falling apart. But it's great if you feel the end of a relationship isn't upsetting to you. I wish I could be as pragmatic.