My life fell apart overnight.

[Whendidthishappen]

Hi just want some advice and it could be me thats in the wrong. But I am really upset and didn't know where else to turn.

Me and dp have been together 5 years. Generally a good relationship. He has never given me reason to doubt his honesty. Ever.
I have 2 kids (13 & 17) not Dps. Lived together since the first lockdown as i needed to continue to work and he was furloughed so he helped out with the kids school etc so I could continue working. It worked well. So he is still here. Life's been good.

Anyway, his mother and father (never met her) were shit. She abandoned him when he was 2, in a house on his own, when his dad was working away and he was found 2 days later. She had run off with OM, had more kids and did the same again to leave for another OM. His dad was a waste of space. Caused dp quite a bit of issues but he worked on those years ago and, since I have known him, been oregamatic about it all.

Dp has only ever had contact with 2 of his half siblings and his mother refuses to have contact with any of them.

One of dps half sister got in touch a few years ago. It was great at first, but it then became apparent she had severe mental health issues and a really bad drink and drug problem. Dp tried to help her and it ended with her turning up at mine or his house at all hours ranting and raving. I told dp if she came to mine again, I would call the police as she was scaring my kids and pissing off me and my neighbours. I felt for her, because her childhood was awful. But it was really impacting me and my kids.

Then she started sending dp text messages saying that him and her could be in a relationship because they are only half siblings and it wasn't a big deal. She said it was shame he was with me, but 'I won't say anything if you dont'. Both me and dp were sickened. He told me the minute these started coming through and He cut contact with her and blocked her on everything.

Anyway in July, this year she opened a new Facebook and contacted him again. He told me straight away. She told him she had therapy and was deeply ashamed of her behaviour. Me and dp talked. I said I get that he may want to support her, but I wasn't comfortable with it, especially given the text messages and the erratic behaviour and I didn't want her near my house. I pointed out that if my brother has sent me similar texts messages, caused us lots of issues he wouldn't be happy about me having contact with him either. I didnt issue an ultimatum just told him how I feel. Dp said he didn't want to risk her causing trouble again (he didn't believe she had therapy) and that he was still really uncomfortable with the messages about how they could be in a relationship. So he messaged he didn't want contact and blocked her.

So, to last night. At about 11pm his phone goes off and he looks really shocked reading the message. His nana has been ill so I thought it was about her. So I asked. He then looked really flustered and I knew something wasn't right so pressed him.

He then said she had messaged him asking if he knew anyone who could get her some coke. So I was really shocked. Firstly I wanted to know why she would think he would know anyone who would sell her coke. He said he had no idea as she had never asked something like that before. Secondly, if he had cut contact, how and why was she contacting him now.

She then sent a barage of messages saying it wasn't for her and he shouldn't stress out, then as he didn't reply (because we were having it out) she started telling him he could 'fuck right off then'.

Dp showed me the messages they have been in touch and chatting since July, when he said he blocked her. Nothing sexual or crossing that sort of line. But she has been sending him photos of her now 4 month old dd. They have been checking in on eachother and discussing day to day things

I am really upset. I know I can not and should not, force him to not have contact with her.

But she is clearly on drugs again, and I can't have the drama caused before.

The relationship texts messages make me really uncomfortable. He said they made him really uncomfortable, but obviously not. Last night he said she had told him that she was Hugh went she sent those and she felt awful and sickened herself.

Then I am upset that he made the decision to block her in July but completely lied to me about it. And since has been chatting away with her, all while knowing he had told me he wasn't.

I get if he feels that he needs to support, that's what he needs to do. It gives me the ick, tbh, given the dodgy text messages. But if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do. I didn't say this to him in July, or last night, but if he wants/needs to help her, I can't be with him. My kids shouldn't have to put up with her, I shouldn't. I can't take all the drama. And her messages about them being in a relationship really sickens me (I was sexually abused as a child, nor sure if thats why I am so uncomfortable about it).

He didn't say much last night. At first he claimed that they hadn't been in touch. Then I pointed out they obviously has and she wasn't blocked and he didn't tell me. Then he showed me the messages so he lied again. Telling me they hadn't had contact, when they had.

I thought our relationship was based in being a team and mutual respect and honesty. I feel like he has been making an idiot out of me for months. There I was thinking everything was great and that he was so honest. And it turns out he has been lying.

Now I am sat in the living room on my own (ds and ds stayed at my mums last night) crying but unsure if it's me thats over reacting. I just feel so sad that he lied to me. Its like its changed how I see him.

I may be in the wrong but I just don't want to be with him. Its like my life imploded last night. Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be appreciated.

Thank you if you get through all that. Also, I name changed for obvious reasons and MN can verify I have been here about 10 years, if anyone thinks I am making this up.

DH has got a horribly complicated relationship with his sister. I don't understand it, but I respect it and we have firm boundaries in place that we've both agreed on. He visits his sister at her house, and she's not involved in our family as he knows I find it too stressful to deal with all her issues. But I'd never in a million years make him choose between her or me. They're blood relatives.

I think you need to be really clear to him that you accept that their relationship is complicated, but it can never come near you. This must be horrendous for him too.

You sound devastated that he would lie like this, consistently and deceptively. I have some degree of understanding of his and his half-sister's bond though nowhere near as far gone, but even so you do not have to sacrifice yourself for his pretty tragic situation.

Breaking your trust like this - well, things will never be the same again. Perhaps over time trust could be repaired but it won't be quite the same.

It seems to me that this could go two ways - either he stays in contact with her and sadly, probably goes downhill, in which case you are far better off cutting lose for your own sake and the sake of your children. Or he decides whether to walk away from her (hard, hard, hard as that must be, though I have to say my own halfbrothers walked away without a backward glance and my life is not remotely comparable to hers).

If he does that and if you want to stay with him, both he and you have some tough talking and tough times ahead. To be honest, he sounds worth the effort but it's about if you ~want~ to try and if you think there's a chance you can pull through together.

Posters saying you should have more compassion for him and her are misguided (and unfortunately I know what I'm talking about here, wish I didnt). You have to live your life and broken trust is devastating. Not all betrayals are sexual.

@Whendidthishappen… You said that you have been SA in the past. You have already been badly betrayed and this causes extreme trust issues. This makes forgiveness nigh on impossible. I absolutely understand all of these things, for the same reasons. I imagine that you also hold yourself to the same high standards as well, which makes it doubly hard to comprehend how your partner (a term you take literally) has lied by omission about something you explained was extremely important to you.
Perhaps he was trying to keep an eye on his sister and ensure her physical and mental health.
Perhaps he was doing this for her baby.
Maybe he was using them to to try and heal a wound from his very disfunctional upbringing.
Honestly, I don’t think it matters now.
It’s all far too late for that. He was 40 when he met her. His damage was done, hers was too. (God knows what has happened to that poor soul, but you and your kids should not be around her. Like you I don’t think she’s safe. I think a follow up call to SS might be a good idea too.)
Do you think he’s strong enough for you OP?

Protect your DC's first. I think for now it's best if he moves out. You could then continue to see each other, but if any further hassle comes to your door, put an end to it then - it will make it easier to do this when not living together.

It isn’t just her though.

It’s the fact he’s lied to you, deliberately and over a period of time, about something really important.

That coupled with the facts of it - the fact that she is clearly going to continue being an issue and now you know that you can’t trust him… he’d be gone. Sorry.

Has he said anything about why he hid this from you? Did he think you'd worry about something dodgy happening between them (though doesn't seem likely or that you thought that was likely to happen)? Maybe he wanted to try to help her but thought 'If I leave @Whendidthishappen out of it, she won't have to be stressed out by half-sister's antics and it'll all be on me', which would be perhaps be well intentioned, but foolish.

The sex messages scream attachment issues, sexual abuse or possibly incest in childhood. I think SS should be made aware of that if they aren't already. She did also say she regretted saying it. Please don't see her as a femme fatale because your dp does not see her like that.

To someone who was abandoned the option of cutting someone out is never really there tbh, it isn't anything to do with not respecting you but it does leave people with a tendency to cling on for dear life. It also leaves people desperate to avoid disappointing the people in their lives.

I've ummed and aahed about how to say this nicely but I can't, he likely wanted to operate as a team but you made him aware you wanted to sack his sister off, I imagine that would have fucked him up a lot. He knows you have every right to feel that, but the idea of saying "I understand but I will continue to support her" to your face will have been impossible for him.

Both these people sound fucked up by abandonment (among other things), ofc you don't have to stay.

If your trust is completely broken then there's no fixing that and it's better to just call it quits right now. BUT, if this is the first time he's broken faith with you then possibly you and he can do a 're-set' and get past this.

I can honestly see both sides. Not that it was right to lie to you, but I can understand why he did. I think he needs counseling to deal with his childhood traumas. And I think this is a case where couples counseling may really help and possibly save your relationship. You both sound like good people who have boxed yourselves into corners, and it can take hard work to get yourselves out. You said that you'd be ok with him supporting his sister 'from a distance' as long as her drama wasn't brought into your home or 'world'. He obviously felt he needed to lie in order to do what he felt was right. Finding a compromise isn't impossible in this situation as long as you can trust him again.

Honestly, I'm not surprised he lied to you. He clearly is caught between a rock and a hard place. He feels an obligation to his sister but he knows that you want nothing to do with her. He obviously felt conflicted and you had made it clear you didn't want any of her crap in your life. He changed his mind about talking to her but probably didn't know how to approach you.

I get why you are so upset, lying is a very hard thing to deal with. I understand why you feel the way you do and it is certainly your prerogative to choose what you want in your life and relationships.

I do think though that it is possible for him to support her and for it not to affect your children. It is clear he is a kind and decent man and that is probably one of the reasons you are together. I would want to support my partner through that, but I get why someone may not.

You are effectively giving him an ultimatum... her or me. Those don't generally work well. Have you considered putting a pause on this, allowing yourself to process it and in a week or two's time trying to decide if there is a way you can go forward. Perhaps you would be willing to do this with some firm ground rules... e.g. he seeks out mental help for himself.

"You said that you'd be ok with him supporting his sister 'from a distance' as long as her drama wasn't brought into your home or 'world'. "

yes! How was he able to do it at a distance without it impacting you if he told you about it? As soon as he told you it affected you.

This is a terrifically complex situation, but I do think that you are being pretty harsh on him given what he is going through. And yes, you started the thread to talk about your feelings, but you do seem to be unwilling to think about his feelings or reasonings.

It's an awful situation, but over-dramatising it and wallowing in self-pity rather than dealing with it like an adult means you have very little chance of saving the relationship.

I think from your later comments you've decided to finish it anyway, which is entirely your prerogative. So do go ahead and burn it to the ground if you don't want any balanced advice from outside perspectives (although then why start the thread...?).

My hunch is that later on you may regret making that decision without giving it proper thought, consideration, and communication with your partner.

I also do think the context of her 'propositioning' him adds a layer.

That's a hard red line in a relationship no matter who it is.

You don't partially excuse that kind of thing because 'yes but they're family so it's not a 'real' proposition anyway'

If it were a half brother of yours, you'd be rightly repulsed at the way they thought of you.

I couldn't really get past him being prepared to overlook something so unpleasant as well as directly disrespectful to you, and put an icing on that cake by starting back up communication behind your back.

Just absolutely ICK.

I'm so sorrry about this, but you are absolutely right and he must go.. Very sad, but you don't have a choice because he didnn't give you one.

Your life hasn't fallen apart at all.

You haven't been together that long. Cut your losses and move on.

The sister wanting an incestuous relationship with. her half brother and the cocaine with a young baby is alarming.
She is in need of professional help and support, to stop the baby being damaged in his or her turn

• To break the cycle of deprivation.

Damaged people have damaged children, especially if they carry on chaotic lifestyle and it’s desperately sad.
You can’t really stop your partner from seeing his half sibling, but you can stop her coming to your home and being disruptive.

and I do think you have over reacted a little bit, I can totally see why though. It is why I suggested you wait a week or two and process it.

Yes, it is your perogative to decide what you will and won't deal with and you might ultimately decide that you are done, and that is ok. I'm just thinking right now you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater because you are so shocked.

@Skeumorph

I also do think the context of her 'propositioning' him adds a layer.

That's a hard red line in a relationship no matter who it is.

You don't partially excuse that kind of thing because 'yes but they're family so it's not a 'real' proposition anyway'

If it were a half brother of yours, you'd be rightly repulsed at the way they thought of you.

I couldn't really get past him being prepared to overlook something so unpleasant as well as directly disrespectful to you, and put an icing on that cake by starting back up communication behind your back.

Just absolutely ICK.

Do grow up.We are talking about a woman who had a childhood beyond the imagining of many, and that has left her so damaged she has made a sexual overture to her own brother. And your takeaway from that is...'ick'?

@bleedinora

Can someone please check in on her baby to make sure she's okay?! I'd be contacting social services myself and providing screenshots of these messages to suggest the mum isn't in a good place mentally to care for her baby.

This. She made sexual advances towards her brother and now is sending him pictures of her child?

Id be forwarding to social services too

@Askingforfriend

and I do think you have over reacted a little bit, I can totally see why though. It is why I suggested you wait a week or two and process it.

Yes, it is your perogative to decide what you will and won't deal with and you might ultimately decide that you are done, and that is ok. I'm just thinking right now you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater because you are so shocked.

What do you think she should accept?

Perhaps your DP can move out - get his own place - you all could still date. He has a lot to deal with.

It may just be a matter of time before your DP has custody of that baby due to Mother's drug use.

Whatever else is going on within his family, and whatever has gone on before, he chose to lie to you for months. For that I'd be out...totally out. I'd feel for both of them as they have obviously have had a tough time but the fact that he chose to lie tells you all you need to know about his character. I wouldn't need or want that in my life...especially with kids around who could get sucked up into the drama. Just no.

@TeeBee

Whatever else is going on within his family, and whatever has gone on before, he chose to lie to you for months. For that I'd be out...totally out. I'd feel for both of them as they have obviously have had a tough time but the fact that he chose to lie tells you all you need to know about his character. I wouldn't need or want that in my life...especially with kids around who could get sucked up into the drama. Just no.

I would usually agree with this, but these circumstances are so extreme. I can imagine there may be some shame for him in keeping in touch, fighting with his sense of obligation. I think his position is incredibly difficult. Turn away a sister in need, when he knows well how that feels, or continue to stay in touch and risk being thought disgusting and inappropriate after her advances. I would think it would be hard enough getting your head around that alone, without factoring in a partners views. So while I hate lies, I do understand this and don't think it reflects as poorly on his character as lies for self interest would.

YABU
You have no right to tell someone who they can and can’t speak to. Especially when that person is a family member.
He definitely shouldn’t have lied to you and I would be upset about that but I can see why he did it.

I am quite shocked you are wanting to make him choose between his sister and you. That’s quite controlling behaviour and I can only imagine the replies if you were a man saying his wife needs to choose between him and her sibling.

However he needs to be responsible for putting the boundaries up with her.
He needs to tell her that he is happy to have a relationship with her but he won’t put up with turning up at the house etc.
It seems you are telling him what to do a lot when the responsibility needs to be his. Let him deal with her.

Although it is sickening her wanting to have a relationship with her half brother, it is actually quite normal.
I can’t remember the name of it but there have been many cases where brother and sisters or mums and sons have started relationships once they’ve met each other as adults.

"But also, given the shared experience they have I can see why there would be something that unites then, that my kids have."

They don't have a shared experience, though. They have a parent in common, who behaved abysmally to two (or more) sets of children - but they didn't grow up together, they didn't experience the same childhood, the trauma of their mother's behaviour isn't the same, even. Your partner was 40 before he and this younger half-sibling even met... that's not a shared background in any way, shape or form.

Your partner would benefit from some therapy to unpack his issues surrounding this sense of responsibility (misplaced, too, at that) which he feels towards his mother's younger child(ren). And this woman certainly could do with help. But unfortunately, that's not your choice to make, OP. They're both troubled adults - in different ways, it seems, but at the heart of this is the fact that there's also a small baby with a mother who has not only sexually propositioned an older half-sibling... they've gone on to ask them to supply Class A drugs ^whilst admitting to being high*. Surely that ought to be cause for concern before anything else?

OP, you say you were abused when young and now you are a single mum with DC. You don't need this shit.

I am someone with. very low tolerance of drama and crap so I hear you. Some people thrive on drama, others avoid it like the plague.

I have loads on my own plate and I just do not have the room or the energy for someone else's dramas and them upsetting my DC causing me more work than I have already.

I'm sorry for him, but you need to put yourself and your DC first.

Seriously, a partner whose half-sister is making overtures to him. eeek

Get rid. You and your DC do not need this shit.