My life fell apart overnight.

[Whendidthishappen]

Hi just want some advice and it could be me thats in the wrong. But I am really upset and didn't know where else to turn.

Me and dp have been together 5 years. Generally a good relationship. He has never given me reason to doubt his honesty. Ever.
I have 2 kids (13 & 17) not Dps. Lived together since the first lockdown as i needed to continue to work and he was furloughed so he helped out with the kids school etc so I could continue working. It worked well. So he is still here. Life's been good.

Anyway, his mother and father (never met her) were shit. She abandoned him when he was 2, in a house on his own, when his dad was working away and he was found 2 days later. She had run off with OM, had more kids and did the same again to leave for another OM. His dad was a waste of space. Caused dp quite a bit of issues but he worked on those years ago and, since I have known him, been oregamatic about it all.

Dp has only ever had contact with 2 of his half siblings and his mother refuses to have contact with any of them.

One of dps half sister got in touch a few years ago. It was great at first, but it then became apparent she had severe mental health issues and a really bad drink and drug problem. Dp tried to help her and it ended with her turning up at mine or his house at all hours ranting and raving. I told dp if she came to mine again, I would call the police as she was scaring my kids and pissing off me and my neighbours. I felt for her, because her childhood was awful. But it was really impacting me and my kids.

Then she started sending dp text messages saying that him and her could be in a relationship because they are only half siblings and it wasn't a big deal. She said it was shame he was with me, but 'I won't say anything if you dont'. Both me and dp were sickened. He told me the minute these started coming through and He cut contact with her and blocked her on everything.

Anyway in July, this year she opened a new Facebook and contacted him again. He told me straight away. She told him she had therapy and was deeply ashamed of her behaviour. Me and dp talked. I said I get that he may want to support her, but I wasn't comfortable with it, especially given the text messages and the erratic behaviour and I didn't want her near my house. I pointed out that if my brother has sent me similar texts messages, caused us lots of issues he wouldn't be happy about me having contact with him either. I didnt issue an ultimatum just told him how I feel. Dp said he didn't want to risk her causing trouble again (he didn't believe she had therapy) and that he was still really uncomfortable with the messages about how they could be in a relationship. So he messaged he didn't want contact and blocked her.

So, to last night. At about 11pm his phone goes off and he looks really shocked reading the message. His nana has been ill so I thought it was about her. So I asked. He then looked really flustered and I knew something wasn't right so pressed him.

He then said she had messaged him asking if he knew anyone who could get her some coke. So I was really shocked. Firstly I wanted to know why she would think he would know anyone who would sell her coke. He said he had no idea as she had never asked something like that before. Secondly, if he had cut contact, how and why was she contacting him now.

She then sent a barage of messages saying it wasn't for her and he shouldn't stress out, then as he didn't reply (because we were having it out) she started telling him he could 'fuck right off then'.

Dp showed me the messages they have been in touch and chatting since July, when he said he blocked her. Nothing sexual or crossing that sort of line. But she has been sending him photos of her now 4 month old dd. They have been checking in on eachother and discussing day to day things

I am really upset. I know I can not and should not, force him to not have contact with her.

But she is clearly on drugs again, and I can't have the drama caused before.

The relationship texts messages make me really uncomfortable. He said they made him really uncomfortable, but obviously not. Last night he said she had told him that she was Hugh went she sent those and she felt awful and sickened herself.

Then I am upset that he made the decision to block her in July but completely lied to me about it. And since has been chatting away with her, all while knowing he had told me he wasn't.

I get if he feels that he needs to support, that's what he needs to do. It gives me the ick, tbh, given the dodgy text messages. But if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do. I didn't say this to him in July, or last night, but if he wants/needs to help her, I can't be with him. My kids shouldn't have to put up with her, I shouldn't. I can't take all the drama. And her messages about them being in a relationship really sickens me (I was sexually abused as a child, nor sure if thats why I am so uncomfortable about it).

He didn't say much last night. At first he claimed that they hadn't been in touch. Then I pointed out they obviously has and she wasn't blocked and he didn't tell me. Then he showed me the messages so he lied again. Telling me they hadn't had contact, when they had.

I thought our relationship was based in being a team and mutual respect and honesty. I feel like he has been making an idiot out of me for months. There I was thinking everything was great and that he was so honest. And it turns out he has been lying.

Now I am sat in the living room on my own (ds and ds stayed at my mums last night) crying but unsure if it's me thats over reacting. I just feel so sad that he lied to me. Its like its changed how I see him.

I may be in the wrong but I just don't want to be with him. Its like my life imploded last night. Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be appreciated.

Thank you if you get through all that. Also, I name changed for obvious reasons and MN can verify I have been here about 10 years, if anyone thinks I am making this up.

@LowlandLucky

OP I think he feels pushed into a corner by both you and his Sister. I don't think you need to end things but i do know you need to sit and talk and take on board what each other feeling. It is very hard to completely ignore a sibling, can you imagine asking your 2 children to do that ? I think a bit more understanding on your part is needed.

I think that would be slightly different as my 2 grew up together. He was 40 before she very first contacted him.

But also, given the shared experience they have I can see why there would be something that unites then, that my kids have.

For me, I absolutely would cut my brother off if he started talking about me and him being in a relationship. But maybe I am wrong in that. Maybe others would still remain in contact.

Your priority is your kids and you.

Tell DP , YOU are setting YOUR boundaries.

YOU draw the line at any further contact from or dealings with his sister.

Her drug and sex issues are incompatible with DP having any relationship with you and your children. This is not negotiable.

He has 48 hours to choose. He dumps her, or you dump him.

Sorry OP but your entire post is about how this is making YOU feel. Very little about how much of a struggle this must all be for your partner, who’s in a really difficult position where he can’t please anyone, and no doubt compounded by his own issues from his childhood.

And really, your life fell apart overnight? He hasn’t cheated, abused you, been violent or anything like that - he lied about contact with his sister. It’s not right, but but you’re being a tad dramatic about it all especially taking into account his position and how difficult it must be.

I feel so sorry for your DP. I feel sorry for you too, OP, and I can understand your feelings. But don’t underestimate the massive, life-long impact his DM’s behaviour will have on him. Suddenly, after a lifetime of silently longing for a family member to want involvement with him, his DS appears. It turns out she’s a fucking nightmare. Of course you were absolutely right to insist she keeps away from you and your kids. But the need for family will have been an irresistible pull for your poor DP. He probably didn’t know how to manage both you and her in his life, and ended up lying to you. I feel huge sympathy for him.

I would expect anyone e to be unxomftable with someone messaging their partners saying they could have a sexual relationship and that they wouldn't tell their girlfriend if they did. I would be really surprised if people were fine if this person was related to their partner. I'm normal circs though there's a thread of "well would he be tempted?". If you think he might want to have sex with his sister, regardless of anything else going on, you really really should be dumping him

I think the posts pointing out she needs pretty hard vore intervention are right.

Your dp needs to choose:
Does he 1) tell her he can't be in touch any more at least until she has genuinely sorted her life out, because watching and feeling helpless as she gets further into the shit helps nobody. And he recognises/works out the reasons he lied to you, and genuinely regrets it. He does this for his own benefit- the relationship with you may still be over,as you are so hurt and unsettled by his deceit. And he accepts that if she ever comes near your home the police are called

Or 2) Carry on "supporting" her as her life gets messier and messier, knowing that he is out of your home and your life for good, and that if she ever comes near your home the police are called.

@LittlefairyMum

You sound quite controlling to me and jealous.

Leave him to make his own decisions about his sister. If anything happens to her, he will resent you.

He's an adult. He can text her if he wants!

I'd make it clear, not at my home and mind my own business.

Leave your partner alone.

Jealous? Is that what you got from the OP's posts? What on earth is wrong with you?

@DoctorManhattan

Sorry OP but your entire post is about how this is making YOU feel. Very little about how much of a struggle this must all be for your partner, who’s in a really difficult position where he can’t please anyone, and no doubt compounded by his own issues from his childhood.

And really, your life fell apart overnight? He hasn’t cheated, abused you, been violent or anything like that - he lied about contact with his sister. It’s not right, but but you’re being a tad dramatic about it all especially taking into account his position and how difficult it must be.

Yes because is a thread about me and my feelings on this situation. I have said it must be very difficult for him. But quite frankly, I want to get my head around the situation and how I feel before discussing further.

Not sure being grateful that he hasn't abused me, is really the bar for relationships, that I am heading for.

Also on another point, keeping her away isn't really in my control. She knows where I live. If she decides to come round, I have the option of contacting the police, but by then the kids will have already been impacted.

I am upset about him lying. But I agree, the rest I don't think he is wrong as such. But not compatible in a relationship with me.

This morning I did feel like everything g was falling apart. But, of course its not. But I am sad about it.

I think trying to help her may just be something he needs to do.

@Orphlids

I feel so sorry for your DP. I feel sorry for you too, OP, and I can understand your feelings. But don’t underestimate the massive, life-long impact his DM’s behaviour will have on him. Suddenly, after a lifetime of silently longing for a family member to want involvement with him, his DS appears. It turns out she’s a fucking nightmare. Of course you were absolutely right to insist she keeps away from you and your kids. But the need for family will have been an irresistible pull for your poor DP. He probably didn’t know how to manage both you and her in his life, and ended up lying to you. I feel huge sympathy for him.

This probably best sums up what I feel... an ex of mine was similarly unable to untangle himself from his shit family (it wasn't quite as extreme as this, but there was historical/ongoing abusive behaviour and they treated him like shit) and, while I am thankful every day that I no longer have to deal with his family, I can still understand that he was desperate for a "normal" non-dysfunctional family and kept pushing for that even though it was clearly impossible. It's a shit situation all round.

Whilst he might think he is helping her and has a duty to be there for her, but in being there for her he is actually preventing her from hitting bottom and getting the professional help that she obviously needs

I think he, by nature of his childhood was in an impossible position unless he is completely devoid of feeling.

Some people just can’t be saved. I worry for her Dd as she quite clearly isn’t coping without drugs.

Interested to know what Coke does for her when she takes it.
Is it a party drug or something that makes her feel more in control

If he needs to put in some help then I think she needs to be pointed in the direction of getting help with what look like PTSD or even CPTSD

I would not be surprised given her messages that history isn’t going to repeat itself if she doesn’t get professional help now and a young child will end up growing up alone

I don’t know if I would blow up my life this time but I would expect that if he feels the need to help he gets her practical and professional help rather than being a sounding board

However at some point he needs to get to a place where if him being there for her is not making any difference he needs to step out of her path as it is looking like she will take him down with her.

Your DP sounds decent. He has, however, made his choice.

I agree with PPs who say that at the mention of coke etc. there needs to be SW involvement on behalf of the infant.

You are completely correct that neither you nor your children need any more exposure to this chaos.

You seem to have your head screwed on and done what you can and I think you have been understanding. It is his choice about contact with his sister but it is your choice to end the relationship for any reason and let’s face it this is a level of complication that has the potential to be disastrous. Regarding the lying - anyone can justify lying, they were protecting you, they were scared how you’d react etc. That doesn’t make it ok. Unfortunately his choice is to try to help her and be dragged down with her or tell her he can’t keep in touch with her and try not to feel guilty or spiral himself. It’s crap but it’s also not something you can fix for him - staying with him will not change these choices.

@SleepingStandingUp

I would expect anyone e to be unxomftable with someone messaging their partners saying they could have a sexual relationship and that they wouldn't tell their girlfriend if they did. I would be really surprised if people were fine if this person was related to their partner. I'm normal circs though there's a thread of "well would he be tempted?". If you think he might want to have sex with his sister, regardless of anything else going on, you really really should be dumping him

No I don't think he would or wants to have sex with her

However, the fact that her brain went there, really bothers me. Maybe that's MY issue though.

@Rainbowheart1

Your not in the wrong, but I don’t think he is either.

This must be so hard for him, I can just imagine and the emotions his going through and the level of complexity must be overwhelming, he probably doesn’t know what way to turn, because either way has a negative.

This is difficult, I can see it from all angles. He needs to decide or come to the conclusion himself that’s he didn’t abandon her, and unfortunately, you just can’t save everyone. She is not well, he can’t help her, he is not a professional.

Unless you have been through this type of childhood, it's hard to understand the ramifications. Your OP sounds incredibly naive - no one who has been abandoned as a child like your DP is going to have fully worked through the issues, therapy or not. And PPs harping on about him lying to you can do one. Your DP is doing incredibly, incredibly well to be a functioning adult, capable of forming a loving relationship, after what happened to him as a child.

Nah, I don't think you're controlling or dramatic. You have boundaries and found out that he has lied to you for months. He clearly needs some therapy to untangle the feelings and relationship with the sister. But your priority is your children and yourself. I wouldn't want to be in this mess.

You have a perfect right to be upset, disgusted and worried by this woman and her behaviours. But his crime is to be stuck between his loyalty to you and he need to have a connection to a family member. You are not being a good partner to him imho.

You’re being a good mum to your kids who don’t need otherwise avoidable chaos in their lives.

You had a man you trusted and he turned out to be untrustworthy. Not surprisingly, you are devastated.

He has a half sister he wants contact with. But she wants drink, drugs, and sex with him (even if she's given this up now - look up Genetic Sexual Attraction, it's very powerful). So that's not someone you'd want your partner involved with, quite reasonably.

You have two children. Do you, or they, need this in their lives?

Let him go. Sack him. He lies to you.

He didn't tell you about the contact when it was all quite mundane. It's easy to see how this might have happened. She sends a very apologetic message, says she is clean etc. He texts back 'good to hear that. Hope things are better'.
Then the contact is all normal and rational so he'd feel like he was being mean or knocking her off course when she was doing well by blocking or telling her not to contact you.
It's all very low level, he doesn't mention it to you rather than outright lies to you.
But when it all becomes strange, he tells you straight away.
I understand you don't want the drama. You are right. He was hoping for the best but she has proved that's never going to happen.
I feel sorry for him. He's been let down by people who should care for him again. But you are making it entirely about you.
You are treating it likes she's an other woman (because that's how you now see her) but to him she's his sister and in trouble.
The lines are all blurred in an unhealthy way but none of this is entirely his fault. He's tried to do what's best for everyone but it hasn't worked.
Just talk and see how he really feels without chucking ultimatums about

I think if he is otherwise a good partner you could worth through what is happening here. He is dealing with really complex feelings and should have therapy (if not having?) - and you could have some as a couple.

I can understand that he is in a difficult position, and that given his childhood he wants to help his sister.
But ultimately your concern is to keep you and your children safe. You certainly aren't controlling to tell him that you don't want someone who is into incest and drugs anywhere near your children and your home.

You asked him not to have contact with her, so he had a choice - to stop or to continue, but actually he chose to lie. He should have said that he felt he couldn't abandon his sister and was going to continue contact that would have given you the option of continuing the relationship or not.
When someone lies and covers thing up they remove your right of choice because you don't have all the information needed to make your decisions.

Ultimately he's not going to give up on her and that is fair enough he feels he has an obligation there, but you need to put your family first and decide what is best for you. I would not knowingly risk bringing chaos and even danger into the lives of your young teens. I would personally end the relationship.

And of course it is devastating for you - he sounds like a good man who is torn, but your children come before anyone else.

I would advise him to report his sister to social services, it doesn't sound as if she is capable of providing her baby with the care it needs, and SS can provide her with the support she needs to improve her life. I feel very sorry for her and your DP for their horrible childhood, it has obviously had dire effects on them but helping them recover is a professional job and that is where they should be turning for help, not to you and not really to each other as they are both damaged.

It seems to me like your DP has had a very confusing life since very young. It must make a person be very unsure and worried about relationships and what behaviour can make them fall apart. I know you didn't tell him that for your relationship to continue he had to cut contact, but maybe he thought that. At the same time he doesn't have a functioning family so the urge to keep close to the family he has must be huge. I feel very sorry for him. He must feel like he's walking a tightrope to try and keep everyone on board and happy and that has resulted in lies.

I'm sure people understand the position he's in, and some will be able to forgive the lies, and some people won't. Everyone's different. If you can't live with what's happening, then end it. There's no point in staying in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

No I don't think he would or wants to have sex with her

However, the fact that her brain went there, really bothers me. Maybe that's MY issue though.

Obviously it is wrong but I think it can feel different if you haven't grown up together. I think the normal relationship isn't there. Doesn't make it right and from what you say he doesn't feel the same but maybe meeting a decent bloke who shows some care for her is an unusual experience for her.

The baby is the one I feel for. Poor little mite, what a start in life.

Can someone please check in on her baby to make sure she's okay?! I'd be contacting social services myself and providing screenshots of these messages to suggest the mum isn't in a good place mentally to care for her baby.