My life fell apart overnight.

[Whendidthishappen]

Hi just want some advice and it could be me thats in the wrong. But I am really upset and didn't know where else to turn.

Me and dp have been together 5 years. Generally a good relationship. He has never given me reason to doubt his honesty. Ever.
I have 2 kids (13 & 17) not Dps. Lived together since the first lockdown as i needed to continue to work and he was furloughed so he helped out with the kids school etc so I could continue working. It worked well. So he is still here. Life's been good.

Anyway, his mother and father (never met her) were shit. She abandoned him when he was 2, in a house on his own, when his dad was working away and he was found 2 days later. She had run off with OM, had more kids and did the same again to leave for another OM. His dad was a waste of space. Caused dp quite a bit of issues but he worked on those years ago and, since I have known him, been oregamatic about it all.

Dp has only ever had contact with 2 of his half siblings and his mother refuses to have contact with any of them.

One of dps half sister got in touch a few years ago. It was great at first, but it then became apparent she had severe mental health issues and a really bad drink and drug problem. Dp tried to help her and it ended with her turning up at mine or his house at all hours ranting and raving. I told dp if she came to mine again, I would call the police as she was scaring my kids and pissing off me and my neighbours. I felt for her, because her childhood was awful. But it was really impacting me and my kids.

Then she started sending dp text messages saying that him and her could be in a relationship because they are only half siblings and it wasn't a big deal. She said it was shame he was with me, but 'I won't say anything if you dont'. Both me and dp were sickened. He told me the minute these started coming through and He cut contact with her and blocked her on everything.

Anyway in July, this year she opened a new Facebook and contacted him again. He told me straight away. She told him she had therapy and was deeply ashamed of her behaviour. Me and dp talked. I said I get that he may want to support her, but I wasn't comfortable with it, especially given the text messages and the erratic behaviour and I didn't want her near my house. I pointed out that if my brother has sent me similar texts messages, caused us lots of issues he wouldn't be happy about me having contact with him either. I didnt issue an ultimatum just told him how I feel. Dp said he didn't want to risk her causing trouble again (he didn't believe she had therapy) and that he was still really uncomfortable with the messages about how they could be in a relationship. So he messaged he didn't want contact and blocked her.

So, to last night. At about 11pm his phone goes off and he looks really shocked reading the message. His nana has been ill so I thought it was about her. So I asked. He then looked really flustered and I knew something wasn't right so pressed him.

He then said she had messaged him asking if he knew anyone who could get her some coke. So I was really shocked. Firstly I wanted to know why she would think he would know anyone who would sell her coke. He said he had no idea as she had never asked something like that before. Secondly, if he had cut contact, how and why was she contacting him now.

She then sent a barage of messages saying it wasn't for her and he shouldn't stress out, then as he didn't reply (because we were having it out) she started telling him he could 'fuck right off then'.

Dp showed me the messages they have been in touch and chatting since July, when he said he blocked her. Nothing sexual or crossing that sort of line. But she has been sending him photos of her now 4 month old dd. They have been checking in on eachother and discussing day to day things

I am really upset. I know I can not and should not, force him to not have contact with her.

But she is clearly on drugs again, and I can't have the drama caused before.

The relationship texts messages make me really uncomfortable. He said they made him really uncomfortable, but obviously not. Last night he said she had told him that she was Hugh went she sent those and she felt awful and sickened herself.

Then I am upset that he made the decision to block her in July but completely lied to me about it. And since has been chatting away with her, all while knowing he had told me he wasn't.

I get if he feels that he needs to support, that's what he needs to do. It gives me the ick, tbh, given the dodgy text messages. But if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do. I didn't say this to him in July, or last night, but if he wants/needs to help her, I can't be with him. My kids shouldn't have to put up with her, I shouldn't. I can't take all the drama. And her messages about them being in a relationship really sickens me (I was sexually abused as a child, nor sure if thats why I am so uncomfortable about it).

He didn't say much last night. At first he claimed that they hadn't been in touch. Then I pointed out they obviously has and she wasn't blocked and he didn't tell me. Then he showed me the messages so he lied again. Telling me they hadn't had contact, when they had.

I thought our relationship was based in being a team and mutual respect and honesty. I feel like he has been making an idiot out of me for months. There I was thinking everything was great and that he was so honest. And it turns out he has been lying.

Now I am sat in the living room on my own (ds and ds stayed at my mums last night) crying but unsure if it's me thats over reacting. I just feel so sad that he lied to me. Its like its changed how I see him.

I may be in the wrong but I just don't want to be with him. Its like my life imploded last night. Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be appreciated.

Thank you if you get through all that. Also, I name changed for obvious reasons and MN can verify I have been here about 10 years, if anyone thinks I am making this up.

@WonderfulYou - it's Genetic Sexual Attraction, if I remember rightly... and it's horrifically common. There was a case where a father and daughter had a child together a few years ago, having "fallen in love" when the father reappeared in the (older) daughter's life after 20-odd years. Sickening, yes, but scientifically recognised as something that does happen.

Somewhat over dramatic title.
End it if you want. You can find a man who is happy with your set up and will give you and your kids a stress free life

And he can find someone who understands his set up.

@HoundofHades - thank you!

Just a quick update.

I have spoken to do. Not sure if we got anywhere or not.

He admits he suspected she wasn't clean. But had no idea she was oragnant until after the birth. He also admits that when he told me he was cutting contact he had no intention of doing.

He has already called SS this morning. As I said before SS are already involved.

Someone said uptrend that I shod support him and I do see their point. But I have to put me and my kids first. He says he feel she needs support as her half siblings don't speak to her, because they are 'snobby' (according to her)

Again, I haven't tried to ban him talking to her. I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation. He told me he was cutting contact.

Yes, I would have reviewed the relationship had I of known he was in contact with her. But I believed we had, had an honest an open converatation about how we both felt.

They thought of her turning up here, really makes me nervous.

I feel desperately sorry for her and whats happened to her. I feel desperately sorry for dp.

But on the other hand, I have been through horrific stuff myself and don't think I have the emotional energy to support him through this again. As I did the very first time she was in contact.

If people think me knowing I can't do this again, is controlling so be it.

But also, I very much doubt if an op posted that her husband had an issue with her being in contact with her brother who was a drug addiction who also sent her the texts suggesting they had a sexual relationship, anyone would call him controlling.

I feel for both of you.

You are quite entitled to stick to your boundaries around honesty and family issues, but I also think this is much more complex than a dishonesty issue.

I think your partner sounds very traumatised and conflicted, and is doing his best to manage.

That's not to say you have to go along for the ride, it's very hard on you too.

I feel I have some insight to this because of my own history and honestly I think he needs professional help, lots of it.

He sounds like quite an amazing guy to have otherwise been so together given his awful childhood.

The half sister sounds so disturbed. Gosh some people are so damaged, it's incredibly sad.

It's not controlling knowing what you can and can't deal with, OP. You have your own trauma, clearly. Look after yourself and your children.

I think it’s a big decision to end the relationship over him being in contact with his sister.
Surely there is a happy medium here?

What I find odd is that you’ve been together 5 years but only moved in during the first lockdown. Life isn’t ‘normal’ in these lockdowns so actually do you think this has anything to do with how you’re feeling?
Do you want to end the relationship or do you just want to go back to living apart?

Your dp was wrong to lie to you. However, he obviously wanted to continue a relationship with his sister (maybe hoping things would turn out better this time), but because you felt so strongly, said he’d blocked her. Maybe he did initially do this, but then she got in contact again.

I agree that you shouldn't be the one, or at least only one, supporting him through this, and I understand not wanting drama.

I do still think that you should give it some time to settle and see how he behaves now, and what he plans to do next. The situation is so extreme, as someone else said, that it's not possible to unpick in a heartbeat, and I worry that you would regret throwing a great relationship away whilst reacting in shock. However - it would be understandable if you can't cope.

@Whendidthishappen

Just a quick update.

I have spoken to do. Not sure if we got anywhere or not.

He admits he suspected she wasn't clean. But had no idea she was oragnant until after the birth. He also admits that when he told me he was cutting contact he had no intention of doing.

He has already called SS this morning. As I said before SS are already involved.

Someone said uptrend that I shod support him and I do see their point. But I have to put me and my kids first. He says he feel she needs support as her half siblings don't speak to her, because they are 'snobby' (according to her)

Again, I haven't tried to ban him talking to her. I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation. He told me he was cutting contact.

Yes, I would have reviewed the relationship had I of known he was in contact with her. But I believed we had, had an honest an open converatation about how we both felt.

They thought of her turning up here, really makes me nervous.

I feel desperately sorry for her and whats happened to her. I feel desperately sorry for dp.

But on the other hand, I have been through horrific stuff myself and don't think I have the emotional energy to support him through this again. As I did the very first time she was in contact.

If people think me knowing I can't do this again, is controlling so be it.

But also, I very much doubt if an op posted that her husband had an issue with her being in contact with her brother who was a drug addiction who also sent her the texts suggesting they had a sexual relationship, anyone would call him controlling.

I see this as a very healthy response to be honest OP. You can understand and have empathy without wanting the drama, stress and lies in your own life. I'd be exactly the same. You know your own limits and boundaries and what you want for your own children. Good on ya.

It is difficult to break away from drama when we feel an obligation of loyalty to our partner. Your primary obligation is to yourself and your children and maybe.. his is to host sister and his nephew, however self destructive that might look from the outside.

Maybe in a few years time when yours have flown the nest, you can try again.

OP I would be disgusted if my Oh abandoned his sibling who had massive issues due to her upbringing and with a new baby, because that would make him a shit human.

All your dp has done is quite rightly keep in contact with her because he is probably worried sick..about her and her baby and he would find it difficult to live with himself if something happened to either of them and he cut them off.

She is no longer coming round so you haven't had to put up with her. He is a good guy and you have a great relationship. You put him in a very difficult situation and none of this is his fault. You are being over the top dramatic saying your world has fallen apart because of that.

Also... I don't know if anyone else has said this.. don't fixate on the sexual suggestions she made to her brother... there is so much to unpick there .. she was high, she suffered childhood trauma, she is an addict.

There is nothing to suggest that your partner is capable of cheating on you with his sister.

My partner's sister (and her mother) were similar to your sister-in-law with mental health issues and drug problems. Her mother passed away but happily her sister has been in recovery for over ten years now and is a much-loved and supportive member of our family. When things were bad, though, it got very stressful and there were lots of difficult decisions we had to make about when to support, when to ignore, and how to balance that with our own lives and children.

Notice I said "we". We are a partnership and her family is mine, and vice-versa. I would never have asked her to cut contact or put her in the difficult position you have done. Yes, he's lied to you, but that is the lesser of the two wrongs here. You should have been supportive of him if what he wanted was to maintain a relationship with his sister, and helped him to talk through his problems and decide how to support his sister while still maintaining healthy boundaries. Instead, you've only added to his stress and heartbreak. You've not been much of a partner to him. You also seem to think that people with drug problems and mental health problems are worthless and to be discarded, which is so very wrong and so heartbreaking. Please try to reflect a bit on yourself - you are not being a decent or kind person. How would you feel if one of your children treated their sibling in the way you're expecting your husband to treat his sister?

@Rainbowheart1

Your not in the wrong, but I don’t think he is either.

This must be so hard for him, I can just imagine and the emotions his going through and the level of complexity must be overwhelming, he probably doesn’t know what way to turn, because either way has a negative.

This is difficult, I can see it from all angles. He needs to decide or come to the conclusion himself that’s he didn’t abandon her, and unfortunately, you just can’t save everyone. She is not well, he can’t help her, he is not a professional.

Agree with this, he’s in a very difficult position

I think it’s very difficult. He’s had an awful childhood, and I can understand wanting to be in touch with siblings, even if it’s unhealthy in his circumstances.

Clearly it’s wrong to lie to you, but I can understand how he’s tried to keep you both happy, and he’s ended up handling this awfully badly.

It wouldn’t be the end for me personally, if your relationship is good. But there does need to be a serious discussion about boundaries and honesty going forward

Healthy boundaries are the answer.

You cannot, and should not, stop him seeing his sibling. She is clearly mentally unwell, plus with addiction issues too, it is not surprising she has said some shocking and inappropriate things.

Let him have his own relationship with her and be there for her, but keep the boundary that she is not allowed to your home for the timebeing.

I'm glad to see SS have been contacted and are involved, as there's an innocent baby in the middle of all this. Tragic.

I hope your DP is doing okay too. He must feel very conflicted.

Thing is he had no contact with her at all until he was 40- they share a mother who abandoned him when he was 2 and who he has never seen since. They may be related but are not 'connected' and any 'connection' that has developed is because he has chosen it. I feel sorry for her but she sounds a mess and an absolute nightmare- unstable, chaotic, extremely damaged and making dangerous choices in life. He has lied to you for months and more than once.
If he chooses to be involved with her, it would be the end of any relationship I had with him.

Tbh @Whendidthishappen you've said yourself you don't trust him (for lying), you dint want to be with him if he talks to her and you don't trust him to not, and you can leave a relationship for nay reason. So the answer seems really clear.

Tell him it's a clear breach of trust and end it. Delete and block. Of course it hurts but you can't make a relationship work where you don't trust him

I actually think you’re being a bit unfair to your partner OP.

For the record I’m 100% onboard and can see why contact with her would make you feel uncomfortable, she is clearly very troubled. BUT your partner really has no family that care about him, it makes sense that he would want family, it’s a very human need.

Perhaps he did block her after you said it made you feel uncomfortable but might have unblocked her later or she got a new number and he didn’t tell you because you’d made your feelings v clear and like you’ve said in your posts, he had a gut feeling she wasn’t clean.

They’ve had horrible childhoods, part of him might want to save her

@LuluJakey1 I don't see things like that at all. I have estranged family members that I feel deeply connected to that I didn't even know existed until I explored the reasons for my own deep sense of loss and grief.

I think if someone was abandoned by their mother abandoned at a young age they would search for connection and healing. They might feel that need met in a sibling who had experienced a similar abandonment and they might seek to heal themselves by helping their sibling.

Do you want to end the relationship or do you just want to go back to living apart?

I was wondering this, as then you wouldn't feel you were so much in the firing line of his sister possibly turning up there.

I think your DP will have had a shock to realise that his sister has gone back to drugs and that he hasn't succeeded in saving her from herself.

That should make him understand that if he is going to be in contact with her, he has to be honest with you and protect you by, perhaps, living elsewhere.

Trying for him to live elsewhere, maybe a happy medium. I don't think he would agree to move out but stay together.

I really do appreciate all response. Even the harsh ones. A different perspective is hold

To the poster who thinks I am not a good partner, I would dispute it.bur still appreciate the response.

The first time she got in touch I was very happy for him. I got involved and made friends with her and invited her and her dp round, cooked for the. And really made an effort. As it got worse, I supported dp. Helped him find places that may help her. Sat up with him when he cried. Dropped him off at hers when she was breaking down.

Then when she started banging on my door and scaring my kids. I put my foot down. Not the first time she did it. I spent time trying to talk her down. The second time I did the same, but was more pissed off. After the 3rd, time it was made clear if she came here again like that, I would call the police. The kids were really distressed. At that point told dp I would support him supporting her bit not directly involved.

Then she sent the text about a sexual relationship. Yes I was horrified, but didn't express anything like 'you can't speak to her'. It was dp that cut her off the first time. Not sure what else I could have done. Pretended it was normal?

And yes, the second time, I did say I was uncomfortable. I genuinely thought most people would be uncomfortable with their partners sister expressing sexual interest in them. But if that's just me it's just me. Again, maybe I should have pretended it was fine.

I think, potentially, I may not be the world's best partner. I try my best, but maybe I donr have enough spare emotional energy to expend on supporting dp through this, again. And the probably makes me a bad partner.

I was quite happily single before I met him. I do love him, but he might need someone who can give more of themselves.

Though either way, wether it's me or him or a bit of both, it means we aren't right for eachother.

And yes, this morning I did feel like my life was imploding. I barely slept, I was upset. It was a tad dramatic. But that's how I felt at that time. I thought I had found someone I could spend forever with. That's what I saw for my future. It's looks like it's not happening. And that made me sad.

I really admire people who never feel, dor a moment, overwhelmed by their emotions and maybe say (write) things that sound a bit daft a few hours later.

@Whendidthishappen, do you think it is a relationship you could continue if (for instance) he found professional help to help support him in this so that he didn't need you to do so?

"I really admire people who never feel, dor a moment, overwhelmed by their emotions and maybe say (write) things that sound a bit daft a few hours later."

I think everyone does from time to time. I didn't read all the messages but none of the ones I did read seemed to say that.