My life fell apart overnight.

[Whendidthishappen]

Hi just want some advice and it could be me thats in the wrong. But I am really upset and didn't know where else to turn.

Me and dp have been together 5 years. Generally a good relationship. He has never given me reason to doubt his honesty. Ever.
I have 2 kids (13 & 17) not Dps. Lived together since the first lockdown as i needed to continue to work and he was furloughed so he helped out with the kids school etc so I could continue working. It worked well. So he is still here. Life's been good.

Anyway, his mother and father (never met her) were shit. She abandoned him when he was 2, in a house on his own, when his dad was working away and he was found 2 days later. She had run off with OM, had more kids and did the same again to leave for another OM. His dad was a waste of space. Caused dp quite a bit of issues but he worked on those years ago and, since I have known him, been oregamatic about it all.

Dp has only ever had contact with 2 of his half siblings and his mother refuses to have contact with any of them.

One of dps half sister got in touch a few years ago. It was great at first, but it then became apparent she had severe mental health issues and a really bad drink and drug problem. Dp tried to help her and it ended with her turning up at mine or his house at all hours ranting and raving. I told dp if she came to mine again, I would call the police as she was scaring my kids and pissing off me and my neighbours. I felt for her, because her childhood was awful. But it was really impacting me and my kids.

Then she started sending dp text messages saying that him and her could be in a relationship because they are only half siblings and it wasn't a big deal. She said it was shame he was with me, but 'I won't say anything if you dont'. Both me and dp were sickened. He told me the minute these started coming through and He cut contact with her and blocked her on everything.

Anyway in July, this year she opened a new Facebook and contacted him again. He told me straight away. She told him she had therapy and was deeply ashamed of her behaviour. Me and dp talked. I said I get that he may want to support her, but I wasn't comfortable with it, especially given the text messages and the erratic behaviour and I didn't want her near my house. I pointed out that if my brother has sent me similar texts messages, caused us lots of issues he wouldn't be happy about me having contact with him either. I didnt issue an ultimatum just told him how I feel. Dp said he didn't want to risk her causing trouble again (he didn't believe she had therapy) and that he was still really uncomfortable with the messages about how they could be in a relationship. So he messaged he didn't want contact and blocked her.

So, to last night. At about 11pm his phone goes off and he looks really shocked reading the message. His nana has been ill so I thought it was about her. So I asked. He then looked really flustered and I knew something wasn't right so pressed him.

He then said she had messaged him asking if he knew anyone who could get her some coke. So I was really shocked. Firstly I wanted to know why she would think he would know anyone who would sell her coke. He said he had no idea as she had never asked something like that before. Secondly, if he had cut contact, how and why was she contacting him now.

She then sent a barage of messages saying it wasn't for her and he shouldn't stress out, then as he didn't reply (because we were having it out) she started telling him he could 'fuck right off then'.

Dp showed me the messages they have been in touch and chatting since July, when he said he blocked her. Nothing sexual or crossing that sort of line. But she has been sending him photos of her now 4 month old dd. They have been checking in on eachother and discussing day to day things

I am really upset. I know I can not and should not, force him to not have contact with her.

But she is clearly on drugs again, and I can't have the drama caused before.

The relationship texts messages make me really uncomfortable. He said they made him really uncomfortable, but obviously not. Last night he said she had told him that she was Hugh went she sent those and she felt awful and sickened herself.

Then I am upset that he made the decision to block her in July but completely lied to me about it. And since has been chatting away with her, all while knowing he had told me he wasn't.

I get if he feels that he needs to support, that's what he needs to do. It gives me the ick, tbh, given the dodgy text messages. But if that's what he needs to do, that's what he needs to do. I didn't say this to him in July, or last night, but if he wants/needs to help her, I can't be with him. My kids shouldn't have to put up with her, I shouldn't. I can't take all the drama. And her messages about them being in a relationship really sickens me (I was sexually abused as a child, nor sure if thats why I am so uncomfortable about it).

He didn't say much last night. At first he claimed that they hadn't been in touch. Then I pointed out they obviously has and she wasn't blocked and he didn't tell me. Then he showed me the messages so he lied again. Telling me they hadn't had contact, when they had.

I thought our relationship was based in being a team and mutual respect and honesty. I feel like he has been making an idiot out of me for months. There I was thinking everything was great and that he was so honest. And it turns out he has been lying.

Now I am sat in the living room on my own (ds and ds stayed at my mums last night) crying but unsure if it's me thats over reacting. I just feel so sad that he lied to me. Its like its changed how I see him.

I may be in the wrong but I just don't want to be with him. Its like my life imploded last night. Any advice, words of wisdom or support would be appreciated.

Thank you if you get through all that. Also, I name changed for obvious reasons and MN can verify I have been here about 10 years, if anyone thinks I am making this up.

@Askingforfriend maybe if he got professional support so he could support her, maybe it would make a difference.

On the dramatic, bit I was just responding to the comments saying I was being dramatic or my title was too dramatic. I was admitting, that maybe I was. I do genuinely admire people who keep a good grip on their emotions. I am generally good at it, but sometime when I am alone and it all comes pouring out I can be a bit dramatic.

I know my work won't implode. And there's not right answer here. I think supporting her will damage dp. I think he also feels he needs to do it and not doing it may also damage him. I know I can't do it again.

Maybe it's just one of those things.

I maybe wasn't clear. What I told him was that I understood why he wanted to help her. But that I also felt uncomfortable with their contact.

I think you were clear, which is why he didn’t tell you. I expect your message about not wanting to be with him if he did, came through, even if you didn’t say the actual words.

I think I have a right to express how I feel about the situation.

You absolutely do. He shouldn’t have lied, that was wrong, but I can see why he felt he had to. It is an unpalatable truth, but if you can’t be with him if he keeps in contact and he has shown he feels he need to then the only thing you can do is leave. The lying is a bit of a red herring at this point because you would be in exactly the same position right now whether he had lied or not.

People often put dramatic sounding titles on their MN threads. That's nothing to worry about.
Also, you've had a very difficult time, because of DP's sister. It was a shock to realise that the situation was different from what he told you and worse than he believed it to be.

You've made clear that you didn't want to separate, if he had said he was going to keep in touch with her, yet he decided to lie about it by saying he'd cut contact while having no intention of doing so.
I suppose he thought that'd stop you from worrying and he'd support her to be less chaotic.
It hasn't worked out so how does he think things might go forward?
How does he think he will get your trust back if he stays?

If you definitely want him to leave, say so.
If you're not sure about that, ask him how he sees things going from here.

@Whendidthishappen the more you post, the more I feel for you. You are clearly so intelligent and articulate, and shocked, and struggling with a terrible situation. I posted earlier I thought that it sounded like you needed to think about his feelings more, and now I'm sorry for that. You know your limits, and I understand if this is too much.

I still think that maybe it would help to give it a little bit of time, and talking, to resolve or at least understand better. Good relationships are so hard to find, but if this is a dealbreaker right now, I understand.

I wish you clarity and happiness, whatever happens.

@WonderfulYou

YABU You have no right to tell someone who they can and can’t speak to. Especially when that person is a family member. He definitely shouldn’t have lied to you and I would be upset about that but I can see why he did it.

I am quite shocked you are wanting to make him choose between his sister and you. That’s quite controlling behaviour and I can only imagine the replies if you were a man saying his wife needs to choose between him and her sibling.

However he needs to be responsible for putting the boundaries up with her.
He needs to tell her that he is happy to have a relationship with her but he won’t put up with turning up at the house etc.
It seems you are telling him what to do a lot when the responsibility needs to be his. Let him deal with her.

Although it is sickening her wanting to have a relationship with her half brother, it is actually quite normal.
I can’t remember the name of it but there have been many cases where brother and sisters or mums and sons have started relationships once they’ve met each other as adults.

The last paragraph. It’s not “Normal” It’s incest.

There is quite rightly an incest taboo in case any child is born of such a Union.

Recessive genetic disease is much more common even in first cousin marriages, let alone siblings.

@boredzelda you make a good point. It would be the same situation.

Though, I admit part of it is, that I feel (probably incorrectly) that by not telling me he took what should have been my decision away from me. He made a decision to stay in touch. But didn't give me full knowledge of the situation so I could make mine? Does that make sense?

@User983590521 the only thing he can come up with is letting me check his phone. Besides the fact that he could just delete messages, I don't want a relationship where trust us based on checking up on someone.

@Luckingfovely thank you. You made me cry into me super noodles

I do really feel for you OP but it just sounds so extreme/unfair to end a happy relationship over a third person.

You seem genuinely happy with this man who apart from lying which was very bad, hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s another person who is at fault. Why let that split you up.

I didn’t mean that family sexual attraction was normal as in ok but it is just very common and recognised by professions. It’s definitely something that therapy or even just time can sort out.

I think the connection with his sister is something that your dp is going to find near impossible to walk away from.
This is someone who really knows exactly how his mother treated him, even down to the abandonment.
It is almost like talking therapy for both of them.

However all the talking in the world to your Dp isn’t able to keep her away from drugs and self destructing. She does need professional help.
I asked about her reaction to Coke as for some people it acts in the opposite way than you think and is more about a coping strategy rather than a party drug.

I know this is going against what people think but I don’t think calling SS was the right thing to do at this point
Sadly having seen how our wonderful NHS works, getting to the cause of her drug addiction will be ignored and left untreated as the cheapest thing to do will be to get her clean.
They are great at treating symptoms but not the illness.

Whilst you have every right to split up with who ever you please I think in time you might regret the decision.
Handled correctly and with the right treatment this could have a happy ending. The drug addiction is what you see on the surface.
The cause goes back to childhood.
Him talking to her needn’t impact on your life and your dc. However he does need to get her to a proper therapist who can help her work through her trauma/ptsd.
How did your Dp work through his? I wonder if there isn’t a thought in the back of his mind that if he hadn’t sorted himself out made a few good choices that what he is watching is how his life could have turned out.

If you do get with anyone else you have to remember they come with baggage in the form of embarrassing, narcissistic, creepy and even drug addicted relatives.

I don’t think there are many families that you could look at and think they are all normal polite and lovely people. There is always at least one relative that needs to be avoided or causes trouble or always has a drama.

At least in this case you can keep her out of your life.

the only thing he can come up with is letting me check his phone.

That suggestion is based on the idea that you've caught him out doing something you asked him not to. But you didn't ask him not to be in touch with her.
And you're not asking him that now (I don't think) so his suggestion is irrelevant.

Does he understand the effect on you of his dishonesty?
Has he apologised?

Though, I admit part of it is, that I feel (probably incorrectly) that by not telling me he took what should have been my decision away from me. He made a decision to stay in touch. But didn't give me full knowledge of the situation so I could make mine? Does that make sense?

It does, but he didn’t really, as you could still go now. Or, maybe the other way to look at it is, he has managed to be in contact with her for 6 months and it hasn’t impacted in the way you were worried about. Although there could very well be a “yet” at the end of that sentence!

@WonderfulYou yes we were happy. I do get what you are saying. But right now it feels like things has changed. But, admittedly, I am exhausted. Tomorrow is another day. I may feel differently when I have had some sleep.

@Bythemillpond sorry I forgot to address your post. I am not 100% sure what she is like on coke. If she was on it on the occasions she came here, she was agitated and very nasty. Then weepy by the end of it. But I don't know it was definitely cocaine that she was on.

I do think dp looks at her and thinks it could be him. I wasn't with him when he went to therapy. But from what I understand it was a couple of years of talking therapy. He says he found it helpful to get it all out. But there wasn't cut or anything.

And I know people come with baggage, even my own. I don't blame him for wanting to help her.

@User983590521 he is currently flipping g between understanding and not. Which I get. He knows he shouldn't have lied. Especially, as he never even intended to block her. But he also thinks I should be OK with it.

No he hasn't apologised. I don't think he gets what's hurt me.

I think, last night, had he have owned up straight away it would have been as bad. But he said she messaged, but was claiming that hadn't been in touch since July. Then eventually admitted they had. That might be why I feel like he treated me like I am an idiot, that he tried to continue the lie. Even when it was clear what was going on. I probably wouldn't have been quite as bad, if he admitted it straight away.

I think I am rambling now. I am going to try and get some sleep. Maybe things will be clearer after some proper sleep.

@BoredZelda

Though, I admit part of it is, that I feel (probably incorrectly) that by not telling me he took what should have been my decision away from me. He made a decision to stay in touch. But didn't give me full knowledge of the situation so I could make mine? Does that make sense?

It does, but he didn’t really, as you could still go now. Or, maybe the other way to look at it is, he has managed to be in contact with her for 6 months and it hasn’t impacted in the way you were worried about. Although there could very well be a “yet” at the end of that sentence!

That is a positive way to look at it. Though she was pregnant during some of that time.

I hope for the babies sake she was clean during her pregnancy. Dp has said she didn't even say she was pregnant. Just told him after the baby was born.

Perhaps if her message wasn't about coke, I would have felt different as well. My assumption is that she has been clean and now relapsing. But I don't know that. But that's what gives me the "yet" feeling.

I hope you get some good rest.

Sounds is if there's been plenty of talking with no real resolution. Do you think it might help if you declared a 24 hour 'moratorium' on the subject to give him (and you) time to digest everything that's been said?

I still think that counseling would be a good idea for him, and for the two of you. IF, that is, you feel you can get past the trust issue.

It sounds like a terrifying situation. The sister is clearly unstable and needs help. This doesn't sound like a safe situation for you or the dc or even your dp.

I don't know why anyone's being hard on you in this thread @Whendidthishappen . You have a right not to want stuff that already happened to happen again- her coming round etc. And your DP massively lied to you for months. You are allowed not to like or feel able to deal with something- that's not controlling.

I think you sound quite assertive and strong in your boundaries, more than a lot of us would be. That's awesome. Don't let anyone tell you you should change that- I think you're right to be this way. It's self-care, self-protection, and care and protection of your LOs, as you should. Well done.

Though, I admit part of it is, that I feel (probably incorrectly) that by not telling me he took what should have been my decision away from me. He made a decision to stay in touch. But didn't give me full knowledge of the situation so I could make mine? Does that make sense?

Nothing incorrect about that at all. It's a fact that he did take away your ability to consent informedly to what your life and future may be, by lying to you for months about being involved with a drama-mongering, verbally aggressive, drug addict who's caused trouble with your neighbours, your living circumstances, come on to your partner (her brother!) is erratic and frightened you and your children.

Honestly OP, @Whendidthishappen , don't listen to anyone telling you otherwise- you do not want this and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It's up to you how you proceed but I think how you feel is reasonable, not that you need anyone else's validation at all- you make the rules of what you can cope with, your boundaries, your own life (and what you feel you have to do for you and your LOs.

I find it a bit odd he's so close to her.

How many times have they actually met in person?

That said, there is no way I would want someone like that around me or my children. She's a train wreck. Her problems are severe and need professional help.
Your DP could very well be a target for her shady antics.

Trying for him to live elsewhere, maybe a happy medium. I don't think he would agree to move out but stay together.

Are you sure this is definitely off the table. Maybe it is worth exploring with him. Is there a risk that if he were to live separately that she would move in with her baby?

I do genuinely admire people who keep a good grip on their emotions. I am generally good at it, but sometime when I am alone and it all comes pouring out I can be a bit dramatic.

For what it is worth, I totally fly off the handle or go into a tailspin at the shock of bad news. If it is a relationship that has suddenly gone south, my world would fall apart, those would be my words too.

You write well and sound completely level headed now. I think you see things very clearly. You are a mother with dc to protect. Don't feel guilty if you cut him loose. He is not in a good place right now and may appreciate the headspace to deal with his sister and damaged childhood. When he has come out of it, it will be clearer whether you will get back together. But you have to shield yourself first.

He lied to you. I would find that hard to forgive and the fact he brushed it off even harder to understand. He is in the grip of issues that have pushed aside his rational mind. I don't think you can break through at this stage.

I do genuinely admire people who keep a good grip on their emotions. I am generally good at it, but sometime when I am alone and it all comes pouring out I can be a bit dramatic.

You just found out your partner's been lying to you for months @Whendidthishappen , it's a shock, anyone would be upset. Being upset/shocked is normal and rational in the circumstances.

Morning. I got some sleep. Not alot. But some.

@AcrossthePond55 therapy is definitely worth thinking about. It may help.

@AnCailleachOiche that's where I feel torn. Obviously she is in a really bad position. But I can't not protect my kids.

@me4real thank you. That means a lot. I didn't have a great childhood (not as bad as dps though) and it took a long time for me to have boundaries and then longer to be able to clearly communicate them. When she got back in touch and he asked me how I felt and I said I was uncomfortable I thought that was the healthy thing to do in a relationship. Express how you feel. Yes it put him in a bad position, but I don't think anyone would be happy if I had pretended I was totally fine with it when I wasn't. It was important to me that I was honest.

Dp also was very clear that we wouldn't work unless we were honest with eachother. He hates being lied to. We promised we would be honest with eachother, even if it ended the relationship. I guess that's why I am so shocked he wasn't. Honesty isn't just something I pushed for.

@RantyAunty I am not sure close is the right word. The first time she got in touch, we did see her alot. Either together or them meeting up. She has a dp who he has only met a couple if times. But that only last maybe, around 6 months before there was an obvious problem, then another couple where it was really bad.

So they aren't close. In the sense they know alot about eachother, have shared interests. But there's obviously some sort of connection. Which seems to be their absent mums behaviour towards them.

@blueshoes l genuinely dint know if she would move in with him. I can't see it. But, I think he feels alot if guilt, his life turned out relatively fine. Hers hasn't to this point. I think if he got to a point that he thought she could get clean living with him, he possible would take her in. I don't know.

And thank you. The lying does hurt. I know people have given lots of reasons why he lied. But it still hurts. It was one of the main foundations of our relationship. We would always be honest, even when we knew the other person may not want to hear it. But thank you for the support. And again thank you @me4real

Today is a new day. I want to be there for dp, but not at the expense of making life difficult or upsetting for my dc. And I don't think me being so stressed and upset is good for them. They both have a lot going on in their lives and they need me present. My job is full on and needs my full attention, I can't afford to let that slip either.

On the plus side I have a meeting tomorrow with some of my favourite people in the company and we are all having lunch together. They all live far away, and I only see them in person every couple of months. But we always have a good time. It's something to look forward to and a break from this. Might help me a bit.

@2bazookas

Your priority is your kids and you.

Tell DP , YOU are setting YOUR boundaries.

YOU draw the line at any further contact from or dealings with his sister.

Her drug and sex issues are incompatible with DP having any relationship with you and your children. This is not negotiable.

He has 48 hours to choose. He dumps her, or you dump him.

This.

I wouldn't want to be around this and I certainly wouldn't want this drama around my children.

It’s difficult but possible you can work through it. Maybe he is much more interested in continuing contact with DSS than he has been willing to say because he knows you disapprove.

Perhaps the situation with his sister and niece reminds him of what happened in his childhood and he is worried about the child.

If she is on coke and has a baby I think DP actually should stay in contact for the well-being of the baby. If you really don’t think he should continue to be in contact then I think you need to contact SS. I think the welfare of the baby trumps the feelings of all adults involved sorry!

@billy1966 thank you.

And @Tilltheend99 thank you too. SSbare already involved and dp said he spoke to them again after Friday nights messages

OP, I completely empathize with you, and agree with everything @me4real has said.

You are safeguarding your children and your home from an angry, unstable, drug addicted woman who has aggressively invaded your space 3 times, not to mention sending messages seeking sex and drugs from your Partner.

You made a good-faith effort to support her and your P, but due to her continued abusive behavior and P’s betrayal of your trust, you have no choice but to pull away to protect yourself and your children.

It appears that P has become enmeshed with his troubled sister and has developed a co-dependency with her. In fact, he is mirroring an addict’s manipulative behavior by being secretive, lying/continuing to lie in the face of evidence, minimizing and deflecting.

By being dishonest since July, P did indeed rob you of your choice to walk a different path. He has no right to control your agency over your own life and your children’s well-being. He may be willing to become mired in his sister’s chaos, but you don’t have to.

His deception and his enabling his sister would be dealbreakers for me.

@WonderfulYou OP was not 'controlling' anything, she has the right to say no to a situation which has previously led to a disturbed person coming to her house where she and her children live. She has every right to say...if you continue this relationship with her I want no part in it. That isn't control its a boundary she has every bloody right to put in place.

Some of these replies are gross. He’s supporting his messed up sister. That’s admirable. If she kept bringing her shit to your door then it becomes a problem but it’s his to resolve. I can’t believe people suggest to give him an ultimatum. Family is family.