Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

I'm one week down and I haven't gone back...tell me to keep going

101 replies

kelseypops · 05/11/2021 21:01

As the title says....

I'm currently sat in my mums living room watching the tv I want to watch. For the first time in a long time.

I left H a week ago. I'm done figuring out if he was abusive or not. If he is narcissistic or not. It really doesn't matter. Apart from going to work, he put zero effort into our marriage.

Tonight I've opened a new bank account and once it's set up, I'll be on to benefits to let them know I'm a single parent.

H is coming to my mums to visit DS - my youngest dc.

I can't believe I've done it. I have no plans on going back and he knows this.

I have no idea where I'll be in a years time. But it's a much better feeling than thinking I'll still be in a loveless marriage feeling sad every day.

First day I'm starting to see a light at the end of a pretty torturous tunnel.

OP posts:

myrtlehuckingfuge · 05/11/2021 21:23

Congratulations kelseypops I have high hopes for you. Utterly right about trying to fathom a reason for his behaviour. If it ain't right, it ain't right!

Original poster

kelseypops · 05/11/2021 21:29

I can't wait for my bank account set up. We have a decent chunk of savings (in my own savings account) which I will split with him to be fairly. I need to use it wisely and I will as I'm sensible with money - part of the issue - but I can't wait to go out and treat me and dc.

It's so needed

OP posts:

2catsandhappy · 05/11/2021 21:31

Keep going @kelseypops ! The moment of realising you don't care the why they do something is such an eye opener. No more trying to make sense of nonsense. Weight lifted.

Look forward not back.
xx

Bonbon21 · 05/11/2021 21:34

Well done!
You sound so strong and positive.
The future is yours. X

Original poster

kelseypops · 05/11/2021 21:46

@2catsandhappy

Keep going *@kelseypops* ! The moment of realising you don't care the why they do something is such an eye opener. No more trying to make sense of nonsense. Weight lifted. Look forward not back. xx

It's been a real eye opener moment. He came over tonight to watch the fireworks with DS and we talked after. Well he talked and I listened as usual. All about him.

Just over a week ago, I told him I couldn't go on and was that unhappy I felt like doing something very scary and very final. Not once since then has he showed any concern for me, just about himself.

I've been out of our family home for a week now, got myself on medication from the gp and start counselling next week.

I have a long long way to go and I know there will be bumps ahead....but to see him tonight and to finally realise I need to stop wasting my time thinking about him. And wether it's all my fault etc. It is what it is, I've been so unhappy and that's the end of it.

OP posts:

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/11/2021 23:27

Well done OP! Brave move... I know from experience.

Onwards and upwards !

colouringindoors · 05/11/2021 23:52

Well done OP. Keep doing this, one day at a time

Pegsonstrings · 06/11/2021 00:09

Keep going. There will be days when you might feel down but keep going. I left my marriage many years ago and i am so glad I did. I am so proud of you and I don’t even know you but you are showing such amazing strength. Just keep going

LunaTheCat · 06/11/2021 00:23

Oh well done , you are so brave. Your children will thank you.
💐

lovingnewme · 06/11/2021 00:35

You're doing great, I'm sure life will get better and better for you. It's great you have your mum supporting you.

I personally wouldn't split your savings with him just yet, until you've sorted out maintenance etc, you might need that money for your children.

Iflyaway · 06/11/2021 00:42

Brilliant! You go girl!

Best gift ever you can give yourself and your kids.

Speaking from experience.

noodlezoodle · 06/11/2021 01:51

You're amazing. I'm glad you're starting to feel better

Write it down! Write down how relieved you are and how much better things are, and if you feel like it, how awful things were before.

Then if he ever starts trying to guilt you, you can look at it all written down in black and white and know you did the best thing for you and your family.

Bogeyes · 06/11/2021 05:19

Well done....now enjoy yourself.x

Original poster

kelseypops · 06/11/2021 08:12

Lovely messages to wake up too thank you.

I didn't think I would feel as ok as I do one week in.

I've done many posts on here before about him hoping I'd get a positive response and to even be told I'm in the wrong. It never happened.

I've done many posts about wanting to leave. I either did leave but went back after a day or I just never left.

I have absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. My ex was a compulsive liar and a cheat. H is just an absolute dickhead. It makes me sad that I've never been in a happy relationship but that's ok. I have no desire to be in one - I need to focus on me.

I'm hoping I get to that stage of feeling content. That's all I want. I'm defo a huge step closer to it

OP posts:

Original poster

kelseypops · 06/11/2021 08:13

@noodlezoodle

You're amazing. I'm glad you're starting to feel better

Write it down! Write down how relieved you are and how much better things are, and if you feel like it, how awful things were before.

Then if he ever starts trying to guilt you, you can look at it all written down in black and white and know you did the best thing for you and your family.

Thank you! I did buy myself a fancy diary the other day. I haven't had chance to write in it yet but that's exactly what it's for.

I write a list of all the times he was awful.

And to write daily notes on how I am and to remind myself to keep going.

I start counselling on Monday too. I've never got this far before in terms of leaving.

OP posts:

MamDancer · 06/11/2021 08:16

@2catsandhappy

Keep going *@kelseypops* ! The moment of realising you don't care the why they do something is such an eye opener. No more trying to make sense of nonsense. Weight lifted. Look forward not back. xx

This is indeed the pinnacle of achievement in these toxic scenarios - when you simply stop caring why they did what they did.

GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 08:19

Well done, keep going.
Like you said, it does really matter, let it go and move on. No point carrying it around with you, making you angry and sad.

jackiebenimble · 06/11/2021 08:19

Is there any way H can have access to DC elsewhere? It would be nice to keep your mums as a safe space he can't encroach upon.

I wouldn't be too generous with the savings. What i mean is i'd hand them over when you have an agreement over maintenance and contact and your share of the contents of the family home etc. You don't have to give him his share before the divorce completes. But you can segregate it off from your own share in your accounts. Don't lose the only bit of leverage you may have.

Duckypoohs · 06/11/2021 08:24

Good for you. Its great to get to that point of detachment from their ranting and raving, I remember a phone call with my ex just going on and on and on trying every trick in the book, I was just like... Aye right. Hope the counselling is useful, at least they will listen to you, make a nice change eh.

letsmakethishappen · 06/11/2021 08:30

Well done 👏 👏👏👏.Wishing you all the best xxx

notapizzaeater · 06/11/2021 08:32

Realising this is priceless, you can write all your hopes and dreams in your diary and aim for them.

Not sure how much savings you gave but you can't claim UC if you have over 16k.

layladomino · 06/11/2021 08:34

This is so inspiring. Well done, and don't look back. Your gut knows you are now in a better place, and that the future is much brighter than the past.

It's wonderful that you've realised it doesn't matter WHY it was wrong. It just was. And so you needed to remove yourself. People spend so much time analysing / second guessing / trying to please someone else / wondering if they are at fault / why the other person treats them so badly / 'but they are SOMETIMES nice, so I'd better stick around for more of that' / not wanting to give up on the IDEA of a marriage or relationship.

When it's really quite simple - if someone loves you and is right for you, you know it without any doubt. No games. No analysis. No question. No having to give hte benefit of the doubt. And a decent person is decent all the time. A healthy relationship is 50/50. Both put in the same effort. The same work. The same love, support, respect.

I said it's simple - I meant the concept is very straightforward. I know it is far from simple to extracate yourself from a bad relationship, and I salute you.

Life gets better from here.

Tiredmum100 · 06/11/2021 08:47

Well done OP. Can't have been easy for you, but sounds like you are going to be fine! Good luck for YOUR and your dcs future! Wishing you all the best!

Original poster

kelseypops · 06/11/2021 08:58

@notapizzaeater

Realising this is priceless, you can write all your hopes and dreams in your diary and aim for them.

Not sure how much savings you gave but you can't claim UC if you have over 16k.

Thank you - no I don't have that much. Just a nice amount that will set me up with all the things I need in a new home. I've left with nothing but that's fine. He can keep everything x

OP posts:

Perime · 06/11/2021 09:00

Keep going OP. Glad you've been to the GP to organise counselling sessions. Personally, I found it very helpful to be in a safe, non judgemental place to talk.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5