I'm one week down and I haven't gone back...tell me to keep going

[kelseypops]

As the title says....

I'm currently sat in my mums living room watching the tv I want to watch. For the first time in a long time.

I left H a week ago. I'm done figuring out if he was abusive or not. If he is narcissistic or not. It really doesn't matter. Apart from going to work, he put zero effort into our marriage.

Tonight I've opened a new bank account and once it's set up, I'll be on to benefits to let them know I'm a single parent.

H is coming to my mums to visit DS - my youngest dc.

I can't believe I've done it. I have no plans on going back and he knows this.

I have no idea where I'll be in a years time. But it's a much better feeling than thinking I'll still be in a loveless marriage feeling sad every day.

First day I'm starting to see a light at the end of a pretty torturous tunnel.

You’re bound to, I bet even prisoners leaving prison feel jangled up at leaving a place they’ve been in so long.

It’s all a process of getting used to a new life.
I also think when in a bad place, getting happier again is a process you have to allow yourself to get used to, to unfold and let the light in again, not be hunkered down and defensive as you were when things were going badly. Sometimes happiness can be uncomfortable if we’re not used to it.

A bit hippy dippy but hopefully it helps!

Just read through the thread - I wish I'd seen it yesterday when you were feeling so sad. He's doing all the things to press your buttons. First he makes up reasons to get you to speak to him, so he can perform the upset husband and get you feeling guilty, then he disappears for a while to get you worried about him. Because in his mind it's all about getting you to put him centre stage. I expect if you don't fall into line he'll get angry and nasty with you at some point.
Stay strong, this is a whole new way of being for you, and it will take a while to get used to it.

Today has been emotional. Yesterday was eventful. I got nothing but messages. Some nasty, some saying he wished he was dead and some apologising - his dad committed suicide so as much as some would have said to block him it really isn't that easy. I got the neighbour to check on him. I was petrified he might do something silly.

This morning he seemed to finally grasp why our marriage is over. My reasons why. He cried, I cried. He apologised and apologised. He sent my mum a message to apologise and thanked her for everything. It seems genuine but I really have no idea.

I'm still determined to stay away. I am writing all my feelings in my diary and all I have to do is remember all the red flags and I know I can't go back.

But it hurts. I know he will be on to the next woman soon. It's weird - in a way it would be a relief but also I can't stand the thought of it.

What if he takes all the reasons I ended our marriage for and makes sure he does the opposite in a new relationship?

I know he won't change but I can't stand the thought of it

What if he takes all the reasons I ended our marriage for and makes sure he does the opposite in a new relationship?

Then good. No woman deserves the current version of him.

But if that does happen, it's proof that he didn't feel you were a good enough reason to change.

You have made the right decision

@samwitwicky

What if he takes all the reasons I ended our marriage for and makes sure he does the opposite in a new relationship?

Then good. No woman deserves the current version of him.

But if that does happen, it's proof that he didn't feel you were a good enough reason to change.

You have made the right decision

That makes me feel like it's even more my fault through

@kelseypops

What if he takes all the reasons I ended our marriage for and makes sure he does the opposite in a new relationship?

If that happens, it means you will have taught him something. And it means he might cause less harm to the next woman, which is a good thing.

And it will mean that he did think you were a good enough reason to change, but he left it too late! Because you've had enough and a few tears and words from him aren't enough to change your mind.

Op with a narcissist the trying to make you feel guilty is definitely to be expected. He will probably threaten suicide. Don’t fall for it. Have a plan. If he does threaten it you can call the police to do a welfare check.

You are doing an amazing job. You are not being a bitch. You are prioritising yourself and your children. Keep doing that. It sounds like the family home was rented and you are willing to walk away from the furniture. So you just need to deal with him about the DC. Don’t communicate about anything else. Google grey rock
You’ve got this. Well done

@Rainbowqueeen

Op with a narcissist the trying to make you feel guilty is definitely to be expected. He will probably threaten suicide. Don’t fall for it. Have a plan. If he does threaten it you can call the police to do a welfare check. You are doing an amazing job. You are not being a bitch. You are prioritising yourself and your children. Keep doing that. It sounds like the family home was rented and you are willing to walk away from the furniture. So you just need to deal with him about the DC. Don’t communicate about anything else. Google grey rock You’ve got this. Well done

I have googled it, thank you very much. I had never heard of that before. Absolutely something I will use.

I did an online narcissist test earlier (how sad am I) as if I was H. The result I got was a moderate narcissist.

I've been having trouble trying to figure out wether he is a narc or not. Then I realised it doesn't matter either way and I know this now but it was still bugging me. It's like knowing would help fit the pieces in my head together.

But I know that he is, I know that it's very unlikely he will change and I know that I'm so so so much better without him.

It's strange as I'm still walking on egg shells and he's not even here. I used to panic so much around tea time when he used to come home from work. I'm still doing it now at my lovely mums house even though I have absolutely no reason too - this is my safe space.

I'll get there, I know I'll be fine x

I am 3 days away from being 1 year free of my narc ex...and it's been the best year of my life! I have no intention on looking back and no intention of looking elsewhere. I love love love my single life bringing my 3 children up and I am celebrating big come this Monday!

Good look OP and enjoy being free.

@2otheleft

I am 3 days away from being 1 year free of my narc ex...and it's been the best year of my life! I have no intention on looking back and no intention of looking elsewhere. I love love love my single life bringing my 3 children up and I am celebrating big come this Monday!

Good look OP and enjoy being free.

I can't wait to get to this stage! Congratulations 🎉

Did you have wobbles along the way? I have absolutely no intention of going back. The fact that my 2 oldest dcs have said they didn't like him really is enough to make me strong enough to stay away. I won't go backs

However at the moment he's being really nice and telling me I need to look after myself and make myself happy. Telling me that he did love me even though it wasn't shown, I was his best friend etc.

He's not asking for me back which is good. He's also said he probably will go and find someone else which makes me feel absolutely awful. It's just completely messed with my head.

Either way I won't go back. The future of just me and my dcs excites me x

No wobbles what so ever. I read and read about how narcissists are and I'm still following a naraccist page on insta that has little quotes everyday and each one makes me feel stronger and cements in that I did the right thing.

Those things he's saying to you are his way of getting into your head, and he's doing it, cause your double thinking yourself...it's a classic narcissistic trate. Don't let him try and 'hoover' you back in. You know in your gut you have done the right thing....good luck xx

Hello.

Just wanted to update this post. I'm another week on so 3 weeks now since I left.

He has had me going around in circles. Yesterday I was supposed to collect some more of my stuff when he announced he had taken the day off work. I spent 5 hours listening to him talk.

The day before that he told me he wasn't going to speak to me anymore and I felt so much better. It last 5 hours before I got a text from him.

I know you will think I'm making it worse for myself by doing everything he asked but there's always a fear that I have that he will do something stupid as suicide has had a big impact on his life.

Tonight I sent him a message to say i was done with our marriage. I realised that I had to be the one to say it.

I then received messages that were awful and then messages saying he understands and he is sorry. He will stop bothering me.

Now I feel empty and sick. I know it's the right choice. I know I can't go back. I told my counsellor exactly how my life was and exactly how I feel and she said it sounds like he is a narc and he has cohesive controlled me. I don't know why I've let him do this to me. Or even now he's done it.

I just feel sick at life without him yet I don't want him either

Stop replying to him and giving him all this attention. You sat and listened to him for 5 hours?!

My narc ex threatened to kill himself when I left. It’s a control tactic. You need to ignore him unless you absolutely need to be in some sort of contact for the kids. If you don’t share children then block him.

When he was 100% sure I wasn’t coming back my ex admitted that he had no intention of killing himself. Don’t let him keep pulling you back in with this shit.

@user1471442488

Stop replying to him and giving him all this attention. You sat and listened to him for 5 hours?!

My narc ex threatened to kill himself when I left. It’s a control tactic. You need to ignore him unless you absolutely need to be in some sort of contact for the kids. If you don’t share children then block him.

When he was 100% sure I wasn’t coming back my ex admitted that he had no intention of killing himself. Don’t let him keep pulling you back in with this shit.

I know. In my defence though, I have opened a new bank account and stupidly didn't change my address so the card was being delivered to the house. If ex H was home and it got delivered, I was worried he might put it in the bin or not give it to me....or kick off even more. I was always supposed to go and get my stuff which tied in nicely with my new bank card. Stupidly he ruined all that by deciding to have the day off. It was all a plan which I fell for.

Postman never comes until the afternoon so all
I had in my mind was to wait for him.

I'm a grey rock from now on. I've been so weak, I fully admit he has a control over me and I'm scared of him. I don't know why as he's never hit me. But I think he did hit an ex (although by always denied it) and that's always been at the back of my mind

I’ve just reread my post and I didn’t mean to come across as harsh. I know how hard it is.

It’s just I know how wonderful it feels to be completely free from him, and I wish that for you too. Stay strong, future you will thank you for it.

Every time he threatens suicide

Repeat this “I’ll get the police to do a welfare check on you” and do so.

It’s all a bluff he’s no intention of doing it.

Block him on everything
Refuse to talk bills just Change them into his name bar the mortgage as both have to pay that

Grey rock the shit out of him.

Every time mine had drama I was that’s nice are you having the kids midweek then.

@user1471442488

I’ve just reread my post and I didn’t mean to come across as harsh. I know how hard it is.

It’s just I know how wonderful it feels to be completely free from him, and I wish that for you too. Stay strong, future you will thank you for it.

No it's ok! I need to hear it.

My mum couldn't quite see what I could but now she's beginning to see the real him which is helping me massively.

I just hate the thought that he's free. That's what it is. More than likely because I know he will be on to the next one soon. Especially as he's already said to me he's been thinking of ways to get over our marriage and the first thing he thought of was sleeping with someone else. And there's a guy at work that could bring a couple of women round to our home and have a party. It's disgusting.

Yet at the same time, he's made me swear there is no one else and I'm not in contact with any other man. Which I'm not.

Argh this is all just a process. I need to go through it to get to the other side.

www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_thejourney.html

This poem is worth a read.

The suicide threats are hideously manipulative - I agree with the previous poster, tell him you’re calling the police for a welfare check and do it every time. Also: it’s not your job to decide if he lives or dies. It’s his and only his. You really don’t have to give yourself that responsibility and I wouldn’t advise it (I intervened in a friend’s suicide attempt thinking I was doing the right thing. Sometimes there are no right things. Thinking about it now, I acted for me - I think they would have preferred to die, and it’s a horrible heavy feeling having assumed I knew what was best for them when really I just didn’t want to experience loss. So if he’s not just being manipulative and really does want to die, that’s his business.)

Please block him on your phone and email from now on only.

He is still abusing you.

Dig deep, find your anger and stop engaging with him at all.

Suicide threats or hints ask the police to do a welfare check. As a narcissist he won't actually do anything he knows you feel sorry for his past so it's a perfect way to abuse you.

Everything he says is designed to manipulate you.

He says he'll leave you alone.
He ignores you (for a short while!)
He bombards you with messages.
He says he wants to move on, and will be on the lookout for someone to sleep with.

This is all about messing with your head and having some control over you. He's also flailing around looking for the think that will have you running back.

Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock.

Block him as much as you can. Don't respond to his messages or communicate in any way unless it is stuff you have to talk about regarding your DC.

Don't show him any emotion... if he sees a flicker he will see it as an 'in'.

Stay strong. Keep your eyes on that exciting life ahead for you and your DC.

@layladomino

Everything he says is designed to manipulate you.

He says he'll leave you alone.
He ignores you (for a short while!)
He bombards you with messages.
He says he wants to move on, and will be on the lookout for someone to sleep with.

This is all about messing with your head and having some control over you. He's also flailing around looking for the think that will have you running back.

Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock.

Block him as much as you can. Don't respond to his messages or communicate in any way unless it is stuff you have to talk about regarding your DC.

Don't show him any emotion... if he sees a flicker he will see it as an 'in'.

Stay strong. Keep your eyes on that exciting life ahead for you and your DC.

Thank you.

He isn't giving in and has now resorted to my mum, messaging her admitting he needs help and he's going to get it. I've been a grey rock today and finally got my new bank account up and running.

I'm going to keep going.

Good morning @kelseypops great news on your new bank account and your grey rock.
Have you changed his name on your phone?
What is the the key to how you view him?
'parasite' or 'headf*ck' or 'control freak' perhaps.
or you could go with a positive thinking, ' the ex' or 'grey rock'
You have been very strong. Keep on keeping on. I hope you have a grey rock weekend. xx

Well done on everything so far OP. You're doing great, it might not feel like it but you're taking big steps so be proud

Update.....

Im 4 weeks down and haven't gone back.

He finally admitted he needed help and has had his first counselling session tonight then.

For the last 10ish days, he's been accusing me of messaging other men. Convinced I'm having him/them come over to my mums. Convinced my mum is in on it. Rang my friend to ask if she messages me on what's app as he's been checking when I've been online - big mistake as she's now seen his true colours. She's a mutual friend and been his friend for longer but told me I'm better off without him. She knows what he's like.

So anyway tonight he had his first counselling session. I've been letting him FaceTime our DS which he has tonight but really all to tell me about his counselling.

The counsellor bas told him all what he has put me through stems back to his dads suicide and how he didn't grieve for his dad. His words were:

'None of me feeling sad has been about you, it's been me grieving for my dad'

I was taken back. I understood and knew it was obviously stem back from his dad. He then said 'let's say our marriage isn't over, let's just say we are working on ourselves'

I told him no. He then told me I was cold, I was being mean and I had put him right back to where he was feeling before he had his counselling session. He had left feeling great but I had put him back down again.

I hung up. I was shaking. He's put me through hell with his accusations. He turned up at my mums house at 5am this morning apparently having a panic attack. He was also looking for signs that my mysterious boyfriend was there.

Someone please tell me this is true narcissist behaviour?

Narc or not, he seems to have absolutely no ability to take responsibility for himself, and wants someone else to blame for all his problems. I think you really need to limit contact with him, and double your counselling hours if needed to work through why you feel responsible for his feelings and to break the control he has over you. You are not responsible for his happiness - you are responsible for your happiness, and leaving him was an amazing first step. Don't let him ruin it by manipulating you because he doesn't want to be a responsible adult.

You're doing amazingly well - keep going. And stop talking to him. He is absolutely toxic.