I'm one week down and I haven't gone back...tell me to keep going

[kelseypops]

As the title says....

I'm currently sat in my mums living room watching the tv I want to watch. For the first time in a long time.

I left H a week ago. I'm done figuring out if he was abusive or not. If he is narcissistic or not. It really doesn't matter. Apart from going to work, he put zero effort into our marriage.

Tonight I've opened a new bank account and once it's set up, I'll be on to benefits to let them know I'm a single parent.

H is coming to my mums to visit DS - my youngest dc.

I can't believe I've done it. I have no plans on going back and he knows this.

I have no idea where I'll be in a years time. But it's a much better feeling than thinking I'll still be in a loveless marriage feeling sad every day.

First day I'm starting to see a light at the end of a pretty torturous tunnel.

Good for you! I’m so proud of you!!! Sounds like you were your own hero and saved your own life!

Keep going... the world is yours...x

Well done you, this is amazing. Also thank you for posting this as I really needed to read what you said. The whole thing with trying to figure out if they're abusive/narcissistic or if you're the one in the wrong - you are so right, it doesn't matter. You've made me realise it doesn't actually matter and I don't need permission to leave. So thank you. I hope everything goes well for you x

@IWannaQuitTheGym

Well done you, this is amazing. Also thank you for posting this as I really needed to read what you said. The whole thing with trying to figure out if they're abusive/narcissistic or if you're the one in the wrong - you are so right, it doesn't matter. You've made me realise it doesn't actually matter and I don't need permission to leave. So thank you. I hope everything goes well for you x

So glad my post has helped you. Something in me has just clicked.

He's feeling very sorry for himself today as he has realised he's lost me. But something has most definitely changed in me as I won't and haven't backed down this past week at all.

I have spent the last week trying to figure out wether I've been abused. And if so, what kind.

I've spent the last few years trying to figure out why he is like he is.

The WHOLE time, I've been well and truly miserable. I haven't stopped to think about myself. I've wasted so much time and energy on him but I have finally realised I will never figure him out.

I've realised that apart from the financial side of things, he has brought absolutely nothing else to our marriage. I'm done walking on egg shells.

I have no doubt there will be tough days ahead but I'll keep going.

My main issue is I hate upsetting people, doesn't matter how much they have hurt me in the past or how much I don't want to do something. I always do everything I can to not upset people and this is the part I'm most uncomfortable with right now.

But all I can do is keep writing and keep going x

Just wanted to re start this thread as I've been wobbling but still not gone back. Tonight text saying he has realised it's well and truly done which is a huge relief.

For some reason I had left but couldn't end it properly. I needed him to do it. I have no idea why that is but it's done.

I've had my first counselling session today too.

I feel relief but wobbly.

I know I can't go back but also sad it's over. I'm sure therapy will help me understand why this is. But there is no going back now.

I'm also struggling to understand if it ever was that bad or if it was my fault. For him it wasn't bad but for me it was.

I'm free.....

It's not your fault.
Stay strong, don't engage, you can do this

Well done! Enjoy your new life and don't look back xx

A good counsellor will help you see that our behaviour is pretty set from childhood. We gravitate towards something we know - good or bad - so no blame can be attached to you. You did you but he did him & it's not compatible. That's that. Nothing you could have done would have changed that.
Stay strong!

I'm a year on and I can tell you it's a great place to be

What a great update @kelseypops one day at a time, one step at a time and always looking forwards.

@2catsandhappy

What a great update *@kelseypops* one day at a time, one step at a time and always looking forwards.

Today has been wobbly as he is asking me to come back. Telling me he will 'be there' for me. Also saying how do we know we won't work if we don't try.

This morning he asked me to contact him so we could go through the bills so I did as they need sorting. It was just a way to get me to speak.

I'm not going back and I have told him this but I feel so horrible for it. I've done nothing but cry today and it's exhausting. He s making me feel sorry for him and it's working but I know I can't back down now. There's no part of me that wants to go back. I'd only be going back as I feel so bad for him being in a massive house on his own.

Eurgh....today has been awful. But I'll keep going

He's been asking for me to go back today. I haven't gone. I won't go. But he has this control over me and he makes me feel bad for him. That he's alone, in the family home and none of us are there. It must be pretty crap for him to be fair.

I've always done what he wanted me too. Always done anything to please him so I have this huge anxiety when it comes to him asking me to come back. I lose my words. Any firmness I have just goes out the window.

But I am not going back.

Can you not block him on all channels and only deal with emails re arrangements?

Also doesn’t it make you angry that he’s spending all this time convincing you how bad he’s feeling?? It’s all about him AGAIN. Aren’t you bored of that?

Say ‘I’m a lot happier without you and whatever future is ahead for me it has so much more potential than any future with you.’

You’ve been down that road and you know what lies at the end of it.

And what about all the years you likely tried and he couldn’t be arsed to really listen or try or change or do anything AT ALL to make you happy? He’s had years to try I imagine? And done fuck all.

And the reason you’re anxious is because he’s trained you like a dog and now he’s whistling and calling you to heel.

Show him what you’re made of!!

Keep going! You are doing great. Maybe you could set up an email to discuss things like bills/divorce/kids etc so you can look when you are ready and don’t have to speak to him?

@Maunderingdrunkenly

Can you not block him on all channels and only deal with emails re arrangements?

Also doesn’t it make you angry that he’s spending all this time convincing you how bad he’s feeling?? It’s all about him AGAIN. Aren’t you bored of that?

Say ‘I’m a lot happier without you and whatever future is ahead for me it has so much more potential than any future with you.’

You’ve been down that road and you know what lies at the end of it.

And what about all the years you likely tried and he couldn’t be arsed to really listen or try or change or do anything AT ALL to make you happy? He’s had years to try I imagine? And done fuck all.

And the reason you’re anxious is because he’s trained you like a dog and now he’s whistling and calling you to heel.

Show him what you’re made of!!

Oh I am well and truly fed up of it all. I just hate being a bitch.

This is what I need counselling for as I'm massively over sensitive and can't stand up for myself. I wouldn't say I'm weak as I'm not going back but i feel it.

I felt so much relief the other day when he officially ended it but today I've fallen for it when he asked to speak to talk about the bills. He didn't want to speak about the bills. He just wanted me back.

He knows I'm not going back. I will do the email thing.

I'm just so annoyed at myself today. Whenever he speaks to me, I just lose it and become this little fragile person. I think of him as a dragon how hovers over me and breathes fire and I'm this little mouse who cowers away lol.

I'll get there - I'm not going back as I've come too far. And I just don't f**king want too.

Your being so brave keep going.
I'm 4 months in and have had exact same experiences as you except my stbxh didn't even fight for me back just cried a bit but I suspect that's more to do with what he lost - the appearance of what he lost - not me or kids.
You are doing brilliant, the thing that just " clicked" with you - follow that . It's your gut telling you , you are making right decision. I had a similar experience, something just spurring me on to finally, finally after 17 years to leave. It was like a divine intervention, I had had 2 of them previously and ignored them , but this time I wasn't going to ignore it again. No more eggshells no more living in fear of the narcissistic ways - get free. It will be very very difficult but it will be worth it.
I take on all the feelings of my ex aswell ,I can't help it but I'm working on it. Focus on you and your future. Without him. Good luck x

@Hopeful22

Your being so brave keep going. I'm 4 months in and have had exact same experiences as you except my stbxh didn't even fight for me back just cried a bit but I suspect that's more to do with what he lost - the appearance of what he lost - not me or kids. You are doing brilliant, the thing that just " clicked" with you - follow that . It's your gut telling you , you are making right decision. I had a similar experience, something just spurring me on to finally, finally after 17 years to leave. It was like a divine intervention, I had had 2 of them previously and ignored them , but this time I wasn't going to ignore it again. No more eggshells no more living in fear of the narcissistic ways - get free. It will be very very difficult but it will be worth it. I take on all the feelings of my ex aswell ,I can't help it but I'm working on it. Focus on you and your future. Without him. Good luck x

Thank you so much. I appreciate it so much.

He is the same, it's nothing to do with losing me as a person. It's everything he's lost that comes with me. He also doesn't want anyone to know as that will be yet another failed relationship - but this time marriage - for him. I'm not daft and I can see right through him.

When I left he promised he would get help and made a gp appointment. The appointment was tonight and he ignored the call. Says it all.

Look up the definition of a hsp - highly sensitive person. They attract narcissists and put themselves last. Well done for escaping- you need to find you again and you will. When you work on your self worth and self esteem you will realise that your future boundaries on how you will allow yourself to be treated will totally change. I've been there and a year on I'm back to the me I haven't seen for a long time.you will too!

You are doing amazing, think how proud you will be of yourself when you look back in the future and know that you stayed strong. All the best op

"I just hate being a bitch"

You're not. Looking after your mental health is not being a bitch.

I do get how you can feel that way though. I felt the same when I left my ex. But I am much happier now. (And he moved on too - we've both been married to other people for nearly two decades).

Oh god mine did the same. Said it was no-one business what we were going through. Didn't want me to tell my friends or family. Said he didn't want friends knowing until perhaps we were divorced!!! Insane stuff, without the support of my family and friends i would be in a mental hospital.
When I told my friends he said I was disrespectful to him. He didn't want people knowing because of the stigma. How it would make him look.
Because of course the more people who know the more help and support you can get and that will make you feel stronger . He wants you weak and alienated from people. He will turn everything on you. Your strong willed mind ? He will tell you are being cold hearted and detached. How little respect you have for the marraige for him etc ...its gaslighting and manipulation and it's designed to make you doubt yourself.
Stay strong it will all be worth it in the end x

I moved back with my late 80 something mum when I left my wife. Without her allowing me to stay rent free, I would have never have been able to financially make the break.

I loved being back spending time with my mum. Just as she needed me in her last couple of years when she was struggling with health and mobility.

Nothing wrong with being back home.

Thank you all for yesterdays messages.

Today he's blocked me. I feel sick. Worried he might do something bad as he's in a bad bad way.

Pressed post too soon. I'm full of anxiety so just thought I'd post on here.

He's acting extremely childish now and stubborn.

Why do I feel he still has such control over me even though I'm not with him?

It's going to take a while for me to heal I know that.

I just really hate this, I was doing ok. I'm still not going back, I will never go back now and it's over but I hate that I've hurt him. Even though he's out me through so much! And he doesn't even think he has!

Adding more to the thread. My step daughter has messaged me to say how sad she is me and her dad have split up. She still wants to have a relationship with me which is lovely as I think the world of her. She struggles with her relationship with her dad and I've always been there. She's been scared to speak to him before just as I am.

It's like it's sinking in now that it's done. Even though I've wanted this for such a long time, it's here and I feel sick.