I'm one week down and I haven't gone back...tell me to keep going

[kelseypops]

As the title says....

I'm currently sat in my mums living room watching the tv I want to watch. For the first time in a long time.

I left H a week ago. I'm done figuring out if he was abusive or not. If he is narcissistic or not. It really doesn't matter. Apart from going to work, he put zero effort into our marriage.

Tonight I've opened a new bank account and once it's set up, I'll be on to benefits to let them know I'm a single parent.

H is coming to my mums to visit DS - my youngest dc.

I can't believe I've done it. I have no plans on going back and he knows this.

I have no idea where I'll be in a years time. But it's a much better feeling than thinking I'll still be in a loveless marriage feeling sad every day.

First day I'm starting to see a light at the end of a pretty torturous tunnel.

It doesn't matter why he has that behaved way or whether he has a personality disorder he has abused you for years and will continue to do so because that is who he is.

Thank you. I know it doesn't matter - that's what I said in my original thread. I suppose it just helps knowing as it shows me I'm not going crazy and this isn't me.

I have been pushed way beyond my limits. I know I've been weak but in the process he has shown his true colours to other people who have also told me he is toxic.

I've been going on at him to go to therapy for years and always knew in the back of my mind that it would backfire on me. It was literally like he was telling me he wasn't even upset about me leaving - it was all about his abusive dad killing himself and the way he has treated me is acceptable as he was just grieving....and then going on about making our marriage work.

He's absolutely unreal but shown his true colours yet again

Turn your wattsapp onto max security so he has no idea when you are online or not or have read messages.

If he video calls your DD hang up afterwards. Or ask your mum to facilitate it. Things have gone way too far for pleasant chit chat. Let alone discussing anything personal like counselling.

You may need to involve the police - whilst you respond to him he’s getting a reaction. Also look up trauma bonding and also codependent anonymous - keep getting the counselling - only respond about the child - tell him not to come to the property and if he does call the police - he’s stalking you in a way.

@Whydidimarryhim

You may need to involve the police - whilst you respond to him he’s getting a reaction. Also look up trauma bonding and also codependent anonymous - keep getting the counselling - only respond about the child - tell him not to come to the property and if he does call the police - he’s stalking you in a way.

Can I tell the police that I may need them in the future? I don't need anything now but the way things are going I may end up needing it. Just so there is something already on file?

Wow well done you! You are one big step ahead of me. I want him to leave - but he ha a 40% share of the house. I would have to sell the house or buy him out, I can’t face doing that- would I even get a mortgage on my own? What will you do about the house? You are so brave making this big step towards your future happiness xx

@Wineandroses3

Wow well done you! You are one big step ahead of me. I want him to leave - but he ha a 40% share of the house. I would have to sell the house or buy him out, I can’t face doing that- would I even get a mortgage on my own? What will you do about the house? You are so brave making this big step towards your future happiness xx

We were are in rented. Luckily our friend owns the house and is aware of what's going on. We were saving to buy the house. I don't know what I would of done if we had a mortgage. Im really sorry - it's hard. So hard and so scary but I've done it. I need to give myself more credit to be honest.

All all I know is absolutely nothing was worth staying for. And since I've left he has shown his true colours and other people can see it which has helped me massively.

It's got to get easier, I've just got to ride the storm. Good luck to you - prepare yourself that it will be hard but don't look back. It may look on here like I've looked back but I haven't gone back and that's what's important

Well done for moving out.

Oh OP, you really need to have as little contact or conversation with him as possible. Everything he's saying is designed to hurt or fuck with you. While this is going on you haven't really left him, so you won't feel the benefiit as much as you otherwise would.

If he rings to speak to DS then you don't have to speak to him much, do you? Just let them chat and don't engage with him yourself at all.

Well done for leaving- it can be soo peaceful. You can't get to that peace easily now because you're still having conversations with him. Any talk should be of practical details that need sorting out, that's all.

If you haven't already, make a list of the things and work through it ASAP. Try and do things you need to at your previous home while he's out, or bring a friend.

Yes that you've left is great, but you also need to have as little as possible to do with him, for your own health and happiness.

@me4real

Well done for moving out.

Oh OP, you really need to have as little contact or conversation with him as possible. Everything he's saying is designed to hurt or fuck with you. While this is going on you haven't really left him, so you won't feel the benefiit as much as you otherwise would.

If he rings to speak to DS then you don't have to speak to him much, do you? Just let them chat and don't engage with him yourself at all.

Well done for leaving- it can be soo peaceful. You can't get to that peace easily now because you're still having conversations with him. Any talk should be of practical details that need sorting out, that's all.

If you haven't already, make a list of the things and work through it ASAP. Try and do things you need to at your previous home while he's out, or bring a friend.

Yes that you've left is great, but you also need to have as little as possible to do with him, for your own health and happiness.

I know. Grey rock from now on. It's hard when you realise someone has been controlling you all this time.

Try and keep your eyes wide open (I know it can be hard but now you've truly seen what he's like it's easier) and see the reality of what he's doing with everything he says and does; the manipulation, psychological abuse, etc.

It sounds like he's throwing the spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, if there is the slightest chink in your armour he's going to try and pry it open. I think you have to try and distance yourself emotionally from him and shut down these conversations. If he's facetiming lo, set it up so you are not in view, do not respond if he tries to speak with you. Even better if someone else can facilitate.
Do not speak on the phone unless in an emergency. Set up an email just for him and all communication goes via this email. Check it when you are feeling emotionally strong enough once or twice a week. Don't feel you need to respond straight away, give yourself time to think about what you want to respond, or even if you need to. I.e he writes nonsense about how you have a new bloke, blah blah. I want to speak to lo this day etc. You are the worst person ever blah blah. Your response would be, this time at x date works for a facetime and ignore everything else/ that date doesn't work for me however I can make lo available for a facetime on y date at z times.
If he shows up at your mums when not scheduled to pick up lo phone the police. If he threatens suicide phone 999. If he tries to draw you into conversations at handover, have some stock phrases to shut it down. This is not appropriate to discuss in front of lo, that is something you should bring up with your therapist, if you want to discuss lo please email me I need to go etc. If need be practice saying then in the mirror try to be as emotionless and boring as possible like a grey rock.
It takes practice but the more you do it the easier it becomes. You are doing great.

@singlemummanurse

It sounds like he's throwing the spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, if there is the slightest chink in your armour he's going to try and pry it open. I think you have to try and distance yourself emotionally from him and shut down these conversations. If he's facetiming lo, set it up so you are not in view, do not respond if he tries to speak with you. Even better if someone else can facilitate. Do not speak on the phone unless in an emergency. Set up an email just for him and all communication goes via this email. Check it when you are feeling emotionally strong enough once or twice a week. Don't feel you need to respond straight away, give yourself time to think about what you want to respond, or even if you need to. I.e he writes nonsense about how you have a new bloke, blah blah. I want to speak to lo this day etc. You are the worst person ever blah blah. Your response would be, this time at x date works for a facetime and ignore everything else/ that date doesn't work for me however I can make lo available for a facetime on y date at z times. If he shows up at your mums when not scheduled to pick up lo phone the police. If he threatens suicide phone 999. If he tries to draw you into conversations at handover, have some stock phrases to shut it down. This is not appropriate to discuss in front of lo, that is something you should bring up with your therapist, if you want to discuss lo please email me I need to go etc. If need be practice saying then in the mirror try to be as emotionless and boring as possible like a grey rock. It takes practice but the more you do it the easier it becomes. You are doing great.

Thank you, I had counselling today and feel better. I'm going to contact idas tomorrow and go from there with contacting the police.

He has now gone to stay at his mums which is a huge relief as I don't feel I'll get as much contact from him and his family can now deal with his mental health instead of me. I feel a weight is lifted that they know what he's been like.

I've done well today, I need to give myself more credit and I'll push on through tomorrow

Hi @kelseypops, just wondering how you're doing, hope you're still ok x

Well done for getting out and staying out op.

Keep him grey rock. I'd also ask you mum to not reply to anything (unless its regarding child care arrangements) too.

BTW, just to touch on something you said before about being oversensitive: you are not oversensitive. Your needs matter and your feelings matter and someone treating you like shit or messing with your head would upset anyone.

Abusers condition us into telling ourselves we are oversensitive- so that we will dismiss our rights to be respected and shown kindness. And so that we then, continue to prioritise their desires about our basic human needs.

Your feelings are valid.

And every time you catch yourself saying otherwise, stop and tell yourself that you have every right to feel the way you do and to remove from your life, people who make you feel unheard, unloved or hurt.

Brilliant!! Well done. I won't lie...the picture ahead isn't always pretty. But whenever I'm having a bad day I remind myself what the alternative could be and my day gets instantly better. KEEP GOING

@Pinkbonbon

Well done for getting out and staying out op.

Keep him grey rock. I'd also ask you mum to not reply to anything (unless its regarding child care arrangements) too.

BTW, just to touch on something you said before about being oversensitive: you are not oversensitive. Your needs matter and your feelings matter and someone treating you like shit or messing with your head would upset anyone.

Abusers condition us into telling ourselves we are oversensitive- so that we will dismiss our rights to be respected and shown kindness. And so that we then, continue to prioritise their desires about our basic human needs.

Your feelings are valid.

And every time you catch yourself saying otherwise, stop and tell yourself that you have every right to feel the way you do and to remove from your life, people who make you feel unheard, unloved or hurt.

Thank you, I needed to hear that. That's my struggle - my feelings aren't valid, they don't matter, I'm not important etc.

You are so very right in what you've said, thank you x

@pickingdaisies

Hi *@kelseypops*, just wondering how you're doing, hope you're still ok x

I'm ok thank you so much for asking. I've started a new thread saying I'm 5 weeks down. Today marks 6 weeks since I left. It seems like a life time ago.

I've taken so many steps to freedom. New bank account, got all my stuff out of the house etc.

Today I'm wobbly but I'll be ok. He is convinced I've got someone else - I haven't. His paranoia has been to the extreme....yet I found out he's messaged an ex of his 🙄

I think it’s important to remember that your romantic life isn’t any of his business. You don’t need to convince him that you haven’t got anyone else, or give a shit about his paranoia. And he can message to his heart’s content.

It’s a cognitive shift, but you’re done.

Typical when they have someone else in the go, it's what they accuse you of doing. Projection.

As pp said, even if you did have someone else, it would be nothing to do with him anymore anyway because he is your ex.

Also a common abuser tactic to try get you caught up trying to prove yourself in some way (your honesty/fidelity/loyalty/trust ext) so that you are kept busy and drained by looking inwards and trying to prove your goodness.

Lundy bankroft who wrote a book on his time working with violent abusers said that actually they tended to say that they didn't actually believe the accusations that they were making, but that it was just another tactic to control their partner and keep her downtrodden.

So dont get caught up trying to convince him of anything. Its likely another act. And even if it isn't, who cares what he thinks.

@Pinkbonbon

Typical when they have someone else in the go, it's what they accuse you of doing. Projection.

As pp said, even if you did have someone else, it would be nothing to do with him anymore anyway because he is your ex.

Also a common abuser tactic to try get you caught up trying to prove yourself in some way (your honesty/fidelity/loyalty/trust ext) so that you are kept busy and drained by looking inwards and trying to prove your goodness.

Lundy bankroft who wrote a book on his time working with violent abusers said that actually they tended to say that they didn't actually believe the accusations that they were making, but that it was just another tactic to control their partner and keep her downtrodden.

So dont get caught up trying to convince him of anything. Its likely another act. And even if it isn't, who cares what he thinks.

Yes absolutely - I can see right through him.

He's now having therapy and he's spoken to a gp that has apparently confirmed he has been having a nervous breakdown since before I left therefore he's absolutely appalling behaviour can be blamed on that. How convenient.

The ex of his messaged him first as he added her on fb (childish) and that's how they got talking. She messaged him first. And it was all friendly and he told her how much he loved me. Oh...that's ok then

His paranoia of me meeting someone else is really just his was of stopping me doing it. He knows the person I am, I've spent the last 6 years doing everything he asked, trying to make him happy. He knows I hate cheating and don't have a bad bone in my body. He's made such a big deal about this 'someone else' to make sure it doesn't happen. And if it were to happen, he could then turn round and say 'i knew it'

I'm not daft. However I'm focusing on me. I'm having therapy, I'm learning how to love myself. Absolutely no chance of anyone new walking into my life but that's how I want it.

That was supposed to read: And he can message his ex to his heart’s content.

@Saysama

That was supposed to read: And he can message his ex to his heart’s content.

Thanks - he absolutely can!

Haha 'my therapist says I had a breakdown because of you leaving...". Im just hearing Kevin bridges replying with 'did ye, aye?' xD

Wobbles are natural, you wouldn't be human if you didn't get the odd one. I'm so glad to see you are persevering through it all .
Also love what @Pinkbonbon said!

Well done @kelseypops , you're doing great, keep going.

Today I'm wobbly but I'll be ok. He is convinced I've got someone else - I haven't. His paranoia has been to the extreme....yet I found out he's messaged an ex of his

It sounds like you're still having more conversation with him than is healthy. Don't have conversations with them except about practicalities that you can't avoid.