How to deal with dating someone younger

[Banjjoo3]

I am starting to feel really down. I am 8 years older than my fiancé, we have been together for 9 years and have a great relationship, however just recently I’ve been feeling very low with our setup.

I am 36 and he is 28 now. We got together when he was 19 and I was 27. Without sounding big headed I have always been made to feel very attractive. When we got together I had always had very good looking boyfriends, whenever I went out I had loads of (unwanted) male attention, people used to comment on my good looks all the time. He pursued me very hard (I wasn’t keen on dating someone so much younger than me at the time) however after some fun drunken nights together things progressed and here we are today. He too was always a looker, but now he is 28 he is absolutely gorgeous. Whenever we go out together these days he is the one who gets all the attention.

We went out today for lunch and took a picture of us, he looks amazing and I could see the changes in my looks in the photo. I look after myself and he is always complimentary about me but I just feel he is now coming into his prime and I’m maybe past my best.

We are getting married in a few months and the feeling that he will eventually leave me for someone younger is eating me up inside. I thought you were supposed to get more confident in age but I feel for me I’m going the other way, purely for this reason alone (I know this sounds very shallow).

I adore him and want nothing more than to live my life and all our dreams beside him, but will these feelings ever go or will it only get worse? Any success stories with age gaps out there?

Feeling 🙁 when I should be feeling amazing

You are right. It does sound shallow.

dh and I have a similar age gap and have been together over 30 years, but then I never relied on what I looked like. Love is about so much more than looks.

Shallow maybe but I understand where you are coming from. I was kind of the same , was the good looking one but in my case he is older bit definitely getting better looking with age and rich so I don’t feel quite so superior these days!! It’s always going to be the way with dating a much younger man , it’s a totally unfair societal imbalance. If you are feeling this way now I suspect it will only get worse but a bigger problem I feel for you will be that he was so young when you got together that he never had a chance sow his wild oats ! It may work out but I can understand why you are nervous. It’s totally sexist but the world we are living in and it only seems to be getting worse !

I once dated a man 9 years younger than me. Tbh, it never even occured to me that he might leave me for someone younger!

You do sound incredibly shallow. I till get lots of unwanted male attention and I'm mid 40s now so clearly not unattractive. But it isn't the most important thing about me and it wasn't the most important thing in our relationship.

We split up eventually but it wasn't related to age issues at all.

You need to decentre 'looks' from your relationship and your sense of self worth.

If you completely validate yourself on how you look and how your partner looks, then it will be an issue when your looks change.
You asked about people having successful age gap relationships but this doesn't come across as the actual issue in your case. More insecurity about changing looks as you age. Would it be different if he was the same age?

You seem a bit looks obsessed. After almost a decade together, the only thing you have to say about him is that he’s gorgeous? Seriously? And you apparently think he’s similarly shallow.

I’m also a bit repulsed by the idea of someone in their late 20’s dating a teenager, so that’s probably colouring my reaction to this post.

You are both going to lose your looks. You need to make sure they are not front and centre of your relationship. This is not why people get married.

You're young!

He's been with you since 19 and sounds like thinks you're amazing.

You're being silly! I mean that in a nice way.

With my female friends who have dates younger men, this one issue is the one that appeared to cause most problems. Unfortunately, all of them split. The insecurity caused all sorts of further issues. And the fear of them leaving for someone their own age became a real issue.

As women, society does but alot of stock in how we look and being young. There's lots of women that feel they become invisible as they age.

If you hold alot of stock in your own looks and his, then you will feel it more as you age. Men are allowed to age and often are viewed as more attractive as they get older.

So when the women is older, it seems fairly usual to feel they are becoming more unattractive as the man gets more attractive.

In my opinion, this is about you. You need to sort out your insecurity or it will split you up.

What I would say, do you feel insecure just because of your looks or is there something else? I met my (now) exh at 18. We split when I was 34. Similar issues. He felt I would leave him for someone my own age (he was 7 years older).

To be fair the age itself wasn't an issue for me. But I did realise that I had changed so much between 18 and my early 30s, that it wasn't the relationship for me anymore.

Are you sure there's nothing like that niggling at you, that you may not be compatible and you are placing all the weight on looks.

The thing I noticed a lot when I hit about 40 was that the pressure on women to look good suddenly became really obvious.

In that generally loads of men around that age suddenly look shit and the women still look good.

Generalities of course!

In my view.
He met her at only 19. So young. Still together years later. Getting married.
He has always made it clear be finds her very attractive.

OP don't let your insecurities get in the way of this. Listen to him. 19 to 28 in terms of changing and maturing is huge. He has not changed his view that you are fab. That's amazing and really brilliant tbh.

Stop worrying!

Do you have children? Are you hoping to have some?

I must admit to what a pp said resonating about being concerned that a very attractive man who’s been in a committed relationship since 19 may very well want to experience what else is out there, particularly when he’s no longer the centre of your attention and babies come along.

If being good looking is all you're about as a couple then you're barking up the wrong tree. Marriage is about love, wanting to be with, grow old with that special person, for better or for worse etc ... not just attraction, that's just the start of a relationship, it matures into so much more than looks, attraction etc.
shallow, yes, very, if he lost his looks tomorrow but was still the same man inside, would you leave him?

I feel you! I have a 9/10 year gap with my mine. We got together when he was 22 and I was 31 and he was the one that pushed for the relationship, I was very reluctant to start anything serious with such a younger man. That was 7 years ago and we have had an amazing 7 years.
It is starting to play on my mind how much he is growing into his looks and how mine are starting to show signs of ageing 😁 I was in my prime when I met him whereas now I am fat and turning grey and saggy at an alarming rate! But he is wonderful and I hope that I can switch these niggles off and focus on the fun that we have together instead.

Thanks so much for the responses. Of course our relationship is not consumed all by looks, but how I feel about my changing looks as I get older is the one insecurity that I have about our relationship, and therefore the reason why I posted looking for views on similar situations.
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, if he lost his looks tomorrow but was still the same man inside, would you leave him?

Of course I wouldn’t! And when you put it like that it does make me realise that I am being a bit silly by forgetting all the other things I love him for.

It does seem one sided that men are allowed to age gracefully whilst women are judged a lot on their appearances. I know I need to work on how I feel about this, but in a world where looks so seem to be so idealistic I am currently finding it hard.

It is one sided. It wi only be fair when people don't concentrate on looks at all.

But we, unfortunately, live in the world as it is. We can try and be part of changing it. But, we can only live in it how it is.

And to be honest, looks aren't just about what you can see. I get far more attention now at 39. Than I did at 29. People generally like me more, not just in a romantic sense.

I am so much more confident and happy. Comfortable with myself and that seems to attract people.

All you can do is work on yourself, until you feel happy with yourself.

Not an issue! The age gap will never increase or decrease! Have fun and enjoy!

I dated someone with a ten year age gap and there were different issues because we were older (he was early 30s and I was early 40s). I could never get past the fact that I didn’t want more children (and probably couldn’t if I did want them) and he didn’t have any children. Although he claimed he wasn’t bothered about having his own kids I could not get past that.

Actually I see your point. It’s far more ‘acceptable’ for a man to have a younger looking woman on his arm than the other way round. A lot of men also seem to grow into their looks in their 30s and 40s compared to their twenties and generally it’s more acceptable for men to have signs of ageing like grey hair and wrinkles (silver fox), than the other way round.

However, I feel like you need to trust your fiancé, you’ve been together a long time and he wants to marry you. And I think in general we need, as women, to continue to try and put two fingers up at the idea of how we are supposed to ‘age’. That includes saying a big fat no to the idea that women past 35 and into their forties and beyond are somehow ‘over it’ or ‘past their prime’. Why should that be the case??!! Life is not just for the young and accepting this idea that your best years are only the first third (and a bit) of your life is really damaging.

I think the nonsense about men ageing well and women ageing badly is just misogyny, honestly. I don't look around at people in their thirties and forties and think the men all look so much better than the women. If anything, it often tends to be the other way around, because women tend to look after themselves better, moisturise, etc. I know a few men who do look better at 40ish than they did at 30ish. They are very few and far between. As a woman I get more attention at 36 than I did at 26. I had a round baby face and chubby cheeks then, now I have high cheekbones I'm often complimented on. The idea that this age is somehow going over the hill is comical.

Like many things, it's just another hangover from the patriarchy, another way to control women and make them panic into settling down young. It has no basis in reality, just like the idea that we were ever less intelligent. I hate when I see women swallowing and internalising that message. It's ludicrous to think women are past their prime at 30 - barely even a third into their life expectancy! It's nonsense.

I can understand how you feel OP but he clearly loves you or he wouldn't be marrying you.

I dated a man younger than me. He was 39, I was 50. I thought he knew my age as we met in the gym where my age was common knowledge. When I realised that he didn't know (a few months in), I told him. Seems he'd thought I was probably 42. That killed things. He decided he wanted to just be friends as he wanted to start a family and that wasn't something I could offer (fat chance at 42 to be honest so bit silly of him). We were close friends for 12 months but the insecurity ate away at me and I decided to keep my distance. He's now dating someone younger than him. My sensible part is aware that I dodged a bullet as he's incredibly handsome (women fall at his feet but he's oblivious) and if we were together, I would have been insecure the whole time about the 11 year age gap. My issue rather than his.

Everyone has times in their life when they look good and other times when they are a bit 'meh'.
This applies to both men and women too I think, its just women seem to focus on it more and stress about it.
You will probably have a glow up in 10 years when he is on his downward slope, if you love each other it won't matter.
Also, looking around my friends, all late 40s now..its definately the men in decline :) I am always in awe of how fab some of the women look as they head towards 50..the men seem less bothered and it shows!

Ironically, you are the one here making judgements based on looks. It is interesting to me as I am very tall, very overweight with size 11 feet and grey hair and honestly heard to give up wiring about my like a long time ago. My husband lives me for who I am fortunately but the most important thing I try and impress on my daughter's is to be concerned about being kind and compassionate people and not obsessed with how they look. The best thing that ever happened to my 18 year old was getting a job in a care home. She came home one day and said she had realised that whatever she does not obsessing about her looks, one day we all end up old and saggy.
Please just focus on other things you love about each other as that will be what holds your marriage together.

sorry for all the typos. Hope you get the gist.

Everyone is so right, life is not over at mid thirties, it’s just beginning. I do know he adores me and I feel so silly and shallow for feeling insecure purely due to looks. Defo the eye opener I needed

Sorry I can’t get past the fact that a woman in her late 20s/almost 30 dated a teenager!