I am so so down with my partner 😢

[LS1414]

Hello everyone I am new here. I don’t know why I’m here but looking for advice even though deep down I know I’m absolutely stupid.

I’ve been with my partner almost 6 years.
He is much older than me. I am 30 he is 53.
We have a 3 year old son together and I have 2 daughter from a previous relationship aged 12 and 9.

He has a demanding job. He is a manager in the health sector. He leaves at 8.30am and returns home at 8pm. (12 hour days) even though he is contracted 9-5.. he is a hard worker & he enjoys his job he always done but I’m very lonely and struggling.
My daughters are at school all day, our 3 and half year olds has just started pre school. . I have my own online business I work from home.. it doesn’t make loads of money but it pays the bills. Along side this I do 3 different school runs a day, clean the house, keep on top of the laundry, the shopping, cook dinner for 5 of us every night, wash up, sort all 3 children, get them all the bed everything.

I’m not moaning, but I’m struggling to balance it all as I have to work very hard on the computer as I pay for 90% of everything! I ask him for money and to send a monthly amount on the same date each month to help and it’s always late or doesn’t send it at all. I have to moan and nag for weeks for him to send it? And it’s only a few hundred. It doesn’t even mount to what I pay out. He’s very very tight and it makes the load heavy for me financially as well as keeping everything and everyone a float at home.

When he gets home late, his dinner is waiting for him. He never comes home to eat with us all. He eats his dinner alone at the table warmed up in the microwave. I feel he is not part of the family I’m trying to create. I wouldn’t mind him working 24/7 if it was to give his family a good life etc but it isn’t because his contribution is just poor. When I had our son I had to ring CSA and make a claim because the money was so hit and miss.

I’d I cry or feel down and overwhelmed I don’t get a kiss and a cuddle or a deep conversation.. I don’t feel heard. I feel like robot just programmed to make sure everyone is ok and fed and loved and clean and to make sure we have a home that is nice and cosey and clean. I don’t matter. I’m the walking ATM and maid.

Also.. a big one for me is that he left his wife 10 years ago. He had 2 children with her. (I love his children we get on really well. They come and stay etc) his ex wife has moved on with a new man and has another baby etc but he hasn’t divorced her? I have been asking him for 5 years to get a divorce and he just doesn’t. Would this bother you??
I know they don’t want each other anymore but to me it’s the principle of showing commitment to ME and our son and family together.

I am just so tired. I’ve had the conversations so many times and he does not change. He thinks I just Nag.
I want our son to eat dinner with Daddy and talk about his day. I want his Daddy to take him to bed sometimes and read his story. I want my daughters to see me supported and loved so they grow up wanting the same.
I think he sees it as MY house not OURS. I think his commitment is way off and our morals are different.

I feel like a live in a bubble of panic every day thinking “school run, dinner, kids, House, got to put more into my business to make more money to keep everything going because my partner doesn’t”
I am so greatful for what I have. I’m greatful for the kids I love them loads and life would have zero purpose without them. I am not complaining I am so lucky to be a Mum.. I’m just feeling bogged down. I feel like he is just not in this with me.

All his belongings are at his dads house. He’s got minimal basics here. His work clothes and a pair of jeans for the weekends!!! Honestly it is just madness. Yet he stays here every single day eats sleeps showers the whole lot. I don’t understand any of this set up. :(.

He’s not a bad man there is much worse out there. I just feel like I’m the starter and pudding but I want to be the main course.

Am I just being Mardy? Am I moaning or are my feelings valid. Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in x

Well he's financially abusing for one thing.

The whole issue here is that you are questioning whether your feelings are valid. Who do you think gets to decide whether they are valid or not? Who is responsible for that decision?

Am I just being Mardy?

Mist definitely not.

He doesnt contribute financially I any way fairly.

He also doesbt contribute in terms of child or anything else outside of his excessive working hours. And those hours really necessary? Is he really working for all those hours?

Am I moaning or are my feelings valid

They're valid.

He sounds like he uses you to live off, and as free cook, bottle washer, cleaner, organiser, child carer etc.

What on earth are you doing with this absolute loser?! You’re SO young and sound so hard working and lovely. Goodness me get rid of him!!!

He doesn’t contribute financially or emotionally. He’s like an old man dragging you down. You can do so much better….!

Tell him he has to leave, and live permanently at his dad's house. Stop wasting your time and money on him. You're 30. You're young. In ten years' time, where do you want to be? What kind of life do you want? Not the children - you. After that, think what you want for your children.

Also, it may not be a popular thing tk sag among mumsnetters who have dignifhcabtly older partners, but I find relationships like that (esp. with an older man) are often exploitative. They often take advantage; that seems to be very much the case here.

Basically, you provide his food and accommodation and a shag? And he gets to look like a family man without doing any of the work? Oh, bag his stuff up and have it by the gate for when he calls round at 8pm.

@SleepingBunnies21

Also, it may not be a popular thing tk sag among mumsnetters who have dignifhcabtly older partners, but I find relationships like that (esp. with an older man) are often exploitative. They often take advantage; that seems to be very much the case here.

Yep. He wants somewhere to sit back and put his slippers up. Expecting dinner to be ready etc etc. I’m in my 40s and there’s no way I would be want to be with someone like that.

@LS1414 I'm really shocked reading this. Based on your description I'd say he isn't your parter.

He is the father of your youngest child who you still cook for and clean up after but who doesn't contribute financially for his child or his home. His arrogant cheek is utterly shocking.

Does he accept that he should be contributing to 50% of all household costs? (if he earns much more, and it sounds like he does, then I'd suggest more than 50%).

Does he show any sign of liking you at all? Does he recognise how hard you work?

You would be so much better off without him. Financially and workload wise. One fewer person to clean up after / feed / cook for / shop for. Plus you could pursue CMS and get him to pay his fair share.

You would be financially much better off. Your life would be easier. Plus you wouldn't have the utterly life-sucking experience of living with someone who is using you and doesn't care.

I wish you the very best. I hope that you are able to leave him (or, actually, get him to leave). You will be much happier single, and in time you might meet someone who is worthy of a relationship. An actual relationship where there is love, warmth, respect, where you share the load (work and financially), enjoy each others' company and support each other.

And apply to day for child support.

Your feelings are completely valid.

Even if they weren't - they still would be because they're your feelings and it's YOUR decision to have them!

You need no reason other than 'I don't want this life' to get rid.

But if you want 'proper' reasons, they're there in spades.

He's a total user who isn't even a real part of your family.

He's watching you struggle for money

He's doing fuck all to be a partner, parent, team member.

He takes and doesn't give.

WHAT IS THE POINT?!

I would tell him to start staying at his Dad's in the week because you can't afford to feed him any more, and you cannot be bothered to provide services for him when he doesn't give anything back. He doesn't contribute to the team/family? Then no dinners. No pants washed. No comfy bed. Sort yourself out if you're so independent.

Get rid, claim CSA from him and start enjoying a nicer life where your children don't see you ground down and used by a much older wanker!

Do you own or rent the property, is he named on the mortgage, rent agreement, if not have you thought of kicking him out and making him pay child support.

I know this may be way off the mark as well and I’m sorry if I’ve got you wrong but it sounds like you went straight into having children very young - have you spent time just focusing on you?

He doesn't contribute financially and he doesbt contribute much at all yl family life.

You may be very family oriented but yes clearly not.

That's backed up by him leaving his first partner and kids.

He's half in, half out by the sound of it. He uses you for what he wants- sex ,cooking, childcare, housework (while not even paying his way) but still hasn't divorced abd still has all his stuff at his dad's house.

You are a family on your own with your kids. You are enough.

What's the point of continuing to chase this fantasy if a family with him when he's so clearly not invested himself?? He just takes/uses what parts of ot suit him.

He's not even really paying for his own kids ffs!

He'd have to pay if you split and lodged lodged cm application against him.

Maybe that's another reason he won't officially leave and keeps keeps foot in each place- currently you and your kids get virtually none of his money. And he likes it that way. And he doesn't want that to change.

As above, tell him to pay up or leave, don’t do anything for him or cooking, laundry. He is a freeloader not a partner. Don’t accept this.

Thanks everyone. I needed all this. Your all absolutely right. It’s good to hear it from outsiders who are not emotionally attracted. Your all talking with logic. Reading my post back, it is absolutely shocking and embarrassing. I agree x

You are his housekeeper , cook , and laundry assistant.
Nothing more.
Your children should have a better role model at what a family man living at home should be like . Your daughters will grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal . Do you want that for them ?
Ask yourself :
Do you love him enough for this to carry on for 5 years , 10 years , a lifetime ?
Would you be happy without the drudgery / atmosphere at home without him ?
Are you spending more on him ( food , cleaning , time ) than you are getting back ?
If the house is yours and he is not on any paperwork , easy , get rid .
It sounds like you will be better off without him in your life.

I'd ask him to leave too. You're not in a relationship. You're his childcare, maid and chef, as well as paying to keep a roof over his head.
He's financially abusing you and treating you like a skivvy.

Once he's gone, put in a CMS claim. You'll be better off and it won't cause you any additional work because you're doing everything alone anyway.

@Bagelsandbrie

I know this may be way off the mark as well and I’m sorry if I’ve got you wrong but it sounds like you went straight into having children very young - have you spent time just focusing on you?

Yes I had my oldest daughter when I was just 16 years old please don’t judge me. I had good parents who got me through that. We have literally grown together and we are best best friends. I don’t regret it for the world. But yes, I have literally been a mum since a teenager. It’s ALL I know. I’ve given every inch of me to being a Mum even though the odds were stacked against me at 16 and pregnant I made a promise to myself I could do it and I wouldn’t let her down. So no I have never focused on myself.. I made the decision to be a young Mum and to give up all selfishness in my life to give her what she needed. Maybe I’ve lost myself a bit and my partner has not helped the situation now. Maybe I’ve put up with him because I’m use to putting myself second xx

Sorry I've just seen it's just one child that's his.

Well, with him out, you'd atikl get child maintenance- 12% roughly of his salary, if he can't prove he has your son equal or more over nights per week than you do.

If your income is low enough, you could get Uiversal credit and on uC you can get 85% of your childcare paid for.

He's a user.

His behaviour hs also a really poor thing for journalists daughters tk ge growing up seeing. You're setting damaging precedents for their future relationships. Do you want them to be used and put upon and treated like this in future, and think its normal.

No idea how the word journalists snuck in there .

The good thing about him being an NHS manager is that his salary will ge deducted at source - no potential for hiding it abd avoiding it like self employed fathers.

Actually the 12% CM is not taking account of his older children. Thete is a calculator online.

He actually IS a bad man. And useless. Get rid of him.

It sounds like he got you very young, inexperienced in relationships (because you were occupied caring for your kids from young), perhaps feeling a bit battered and perhaps without great self esteem due to the relationship (s?) not working out with your kids father/s etc and he had taken advantage of that, and continues to do so.

BTW you probably thought him having a child with you was a sign of wanting to ge in a family with with etc but wirh this tyoe of man it diesbt actually mean much; because if they've walked out on kids before (not sure how often he sees them or how much he pays for them) they can do it again. And in this case he's not even paying for your child together, he makes you do that, in spite of having a decent salary, and he makes you do all the work with him too, so what impact does it really have on him? What investment is it really? He's not bothered getting divorced, he keeps his stuff at his dad's, he works (?) Very long hours and stays away from your home, abd when he's there he's not really taking part in or pulling his weight in family life. It was no investment on his part, and he's making sure he doesn't pay for his child anyway.

Your only way of getting him to contribute (minimally) is to get him out and claim cm off him.

It doesn't sound like he contributing anything to your relationship, family or finances. I would call this a day. Claim CMS and be free.