I am so so down with my partner 😢

[LS1414]

Hello everyone I am new here. I don’t know why I’m here but looking for advice even though deep down I know I’m absolutely stupid.

I’ve been with my partner almost 6 years.
He is much older than me. I am 30 he is 53.
We have a 3 year old son together and I have 2 daughter from a previous relationship aged 12 and 9.

He has a demanding job. He is a manager in the health sector. He leaves at 8.30am and returns home at 8pm. (12 hour days) even though he is contracted 9-5.. he is a hard worker & he enjoys his job he always done but I’m very lonely and struggling.
My daughters are at school all day, our 3 and half year olds has just started pre school. . I have my own online business I work from home.. it doesn’t make loads of money but it pays the bills. Along side this I do 3 different school runs a day, clean the house, keep on top of the laundry, the shopping, cook dinner for 5 of us every night, wash up, sort all 3 children, get them all the bed everything.

I’m not moaning, but I’m struggling to balance it all as I have to work very hard on the computer as I pay for 90% of everything! I ask him for money and to send a monthly amount on the same date each month to help and it’s always late or doesn’t send it at all. I have to moan and nag for weeks for him to send it? And it’s only a few hundred. It doesn’t even mount to what I pay out. He’s very very tight and it makes the load heavy for me financially as well as keeping everything and everyone a float at home.

When he gets home late, his dinner is waiting for him. He never comes home to eat with us all. He eats his dinner alone at the table warmed up in the microwave. I feel he is not part of the family I’m trying to create. I wouldn’t mind him working 24/7 if it was to give his family a good life etc but it isn’t because his contribution is just poor. When I had our son I had to ring CSA and make a claim because the money was so hit and miss.

I’d I cry or feel down and overwhelmed I don’t get a kiss and a cuddle or a deep conversation.. I don’t feel heard. I feel like robot just programmed to make sure everyone is ok and fed and loved and clean and to make sure we have a home that is nice and cosey and clean. I don’t matter. I’m the walking ATM and maid.

Also.. a big one for me is that he left his wife 10 years ago. He had 2 children with her. (I love his children we get on really well. They come and stay etc) his ex wife has moved on with a new man and has another baby etc but he hasn’t divorced her? I have been asking him for 5 years to get a divorce and he just doesn’t. Would this bother you??
I know they don’t want each other anymore but to me it’s the principle of showing commitment to ME and our son and family together.

I am just so tired. I’ve had the conversations so many times and he does not change. He thinks I just Nag.
I want our son to eat dinner with Daddy and talk about his day. I want his Daddy to take him to bed sometimes and read his story. I want my daughters to see me supported and loved so they grow up wanting the same.
I think he sees it as MY house not OURS. I think his commitment is way off and our morals are different.

I feel like a live in a bubble of panic every day thinking “school run, dinner, kids, House, got to put more into my business to make more money to keep everything going because my partner doesn’t”
I am so greatful for what I have. I’m greatful for the kids I love them loads and life would have zero purpose without them. I am not complaining I am so lucky to be a Mum.. I’m just feeling bogged down. I feel like he is just not in this with me.

All his belongings are at his dads house. He’s got minimal basics here. His work clothes and a pair of jeans for the weekends!!! Honestly it is just madness. Yet he stays here every single day eats sleeps showers the whole lot. I don’t understand any of this set up. :(.

He’s not a bad man there is much worse out there. I just feel like I’m the starter and pudding but I want to be the main course.

Am I just being Mardy? Am I moaning or are my feelings valid. Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in x

Correction: Claim all applicable benefits AND CMS

You' d be much better off on your own, less resentment and more peace of mind. l couldnt live like this.

Your post made me so angry on your behalf OP. I hope you are OK.

He is abusive and disgusting in the way he treats you.

You sound very capable, intelligent and a lovely person, who's got involved with a nasty piece of work.

Haven't rtft but I'm sure other posters will have practical suggestions on how to extricate yourself and DC from this.

Look after yourself

Sorry my phone is rubbish, that was supposed to be flowers not angry face lol

Fuck that, kick him out and the only difference you'll notice is less laundry, one less meal to make, less fart smell and the absence of a draining sadness that you're spending your best years with an old tosser who treats you like a doormat.

You already pay for everything and do everything. Boot him out, and one day get yourself someone who will contribute equally and give you love and affection.

Blimey, he has it very good.

Glad you're getting rid.

Very best of luck!

Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in

If this is your priority you need to leave him, a d accept that your family is you and your three DC. Create a happy stable home with them, and if you meet someone new in the future that’s lovely but don’t look for that to fulfil you.

The man you’re with isn’t interested in what you want. Don’t expect him to change.

How was your weekend ?

Inthinknyou have posted about this joke of a relationship before ( apologies if that's not you ).
GET RID.

He sounds utterly awful; exploitative, selfish, mean-spirited and financially abusive.

You on the other hand op sound lovely, hard-working and giving.

You deserve so much more op.

Please get some legal and financial advice about your house. And get some RL support to be available to tell your DP you are splitting up with him. You are an adult woman, you don't need permission, just tell him what will be happening from now on.

Do not discuss this with him. Take back the power. Please summon up your courage early tomorrow morning and pack up his things (he doesn't have many at your home so it shouldn't take too long!) and when he comes back tell him the relationship is over and that you would like him to stay be at his dad's from now on, and as most of his stuff is already there, and he is hardly at home with you and the DC, it shouldn't be too much of an adjustment!

Do not expect this to go smoothly. I suspect one of the reasons he hasn't divorced his ex is to avoid some sort of financial responsibility or other.

Take care op and stay safe

It was my birthday a few weeks ago… I told him do not get me anything please, not even a card. I said If you don’t contribute properly to important things, there is no room or acceptance for gifts.
Low and behold.. he turned up with a £200 pair of apple head phones for me! I was hurt.

This anecdote is very telling. This is about power play and everything being on his terms. The expensive present was to assuage his own guilt so he could say to himself, "I'm a generous person, she has no reason to complain" it also gives his ego a boost. He is not treating you as an equal or behaving responsibly as a father, it is not about fair and equal contribution or working together towards a common goal, it is all about what he chooses to "bestow".

I would be wrapping up the ear phones with the rest of his stuff and putting them on the doorstep.

Thanks everyone! Someone asked how I have been… I’ve had strong words with him and I said to him… tell me, what do you do for me? And he said “nothing”.
I’ve told him I need space. Our son is 3 and half, he understands so I’d rather this fizzle out time apart till he’s not here at all rather than bags outside. I want the transition rather than shock.
I’m stronger now, I don’t want this.
Everyday I feel really really tired. Absolutely no motivation at all. I’m losing love for the house & everything. Maybe that’s because it’s only me who puts into it & treated it like home? It feels like the house of a shattered dream. I look at him & think your not the man for me. He’s wasted 5 years of my life. He’s fed me what I wanted to hear to buy himself time. I’ve told him “how dare you think this is all I’m worth & all I deserve. How dare you hang around me watching me burn myself out, how dare you take my future & my young years got a joke. My love has turned to anger. The lights come on xxxx thanks everyone got all your replies they empowered me more than you know. And thanks to everyone who called him names & swore. Your my kind of people and I needed the laugh xxx

Well done OP. Keep seeing the fucking fuck of a fucker for what he is.

Oh OP it is so brilliant to hear the fire in your belly and determination! Isn't it amazing how we can put up with someone for so long and then when the light comes on, and we see them for who they are, there's no going back?! Thank god.

King Tightarse McWanker can fuck off and get on with his Big Important Job and attempt to neglect any adulting / parenting responsibilities because he has a penis and therefore can't possibly be expected to grow the fuck up.

Meanwhile, you will feel SO light, so lifted and so powerful without him dragging you down. One less person to look after = HOURS of headspace and heartspace you now have back.

Keep going, well done you