I am so so down with my partner 😢

[LS1414]

Hello everyone I am new here. I don’t know why I’m here but looking for advice even though deep down I know I’m absolutely stupid.

I’ve been with my partner almost 6 years.
He is much older than me. I am 30 he is 53.
We have a 3 year old son together and I have 2 daughter from a previous relationship aged 12 and 9.

He has a demanding job. He is a manager in the health sector. He leaves at 8.30am and returns home at 8pm. (12 hour days) even though he is contracted 9-5.. he is a hard worker & he enjoys his job he always done but I’m very lonely and struggling.
My daughters are at school all day, our 3 and half year olds has just started pre school. . I have my own online business I work from home.. it doesn’t make loads of money but it pays the bills. Along side this I do 3 different school runs a day, clean the house, keep on top of the laundry, the shopping, cook dinner for 5 of us every night, wash up, sort all 3 children, get them all the bed everything.

I’m not moaning, but I’m struggling to balance it all as I have to work very hard on the computer as I pay for 90% of everything! I ask him for money and to send a monthly amount on the same date each month to help and it’s always late or doesn’t send it at all. I have to moan and nag for weeks for him to send it? And it’s only a few hundred. It doesn’t even mount to what I pay out. He’s very very tight and it makes the load heavy for me financially as well as keeping everything and everyone a float at home.

When he gets home late, his dinner is waiting for him. He never comes home to eat with us all. He eats his dinner alone at the table warmed up in the microwave. I feel he is not part of the family I’m trying to create. I wouldn’t mind him working 24/7 if it was to give his family a good life etc but it isn’t because his contribution is just poor. When I had our son I had to ring CSA and make a claim because the money was so hit and miss.

I’d I cry or feel down and overwhelmed I don’t get a kiss and a cuddle or a deep conversation.. I don’t feel heard. I feel like robot just programmed to make sure everyone is ok and fed and loved and clean and to make sure we have a home that is nice and cosey and clean. I don’t matter. I’m the walking ATM and maid.

Also.. a big one for me is that he left his wife 10 years ago. He had 2 children with her. (I love his children we get on really well. They come and stay etc) his ex wife has moved on with a new man and has another baby etc but he hasn’t divorced her? I have been asking him for 5 years to get a divorce and he just doesn’t. Would this bother you??
I know they don’t want each other anymore but to me it’s the principle of showing commitment to ME and our son and family together.

I am just so tired. I’ve had the conversations so many times and he does not change. He thinks I just Nag.
I want our son to eat dinner with Daddy and talk about his day. I want his Daddy to take him to bed sometimes and read his story. I want my daughters to see me supported and loved so they grow up wanting the same.
I think he sees it as MY house not OURS. I think his commitment is way off and our morals are different.

I feel like a live in a bubble of panic every day thinking “school run, dinner, kids, House, got to put more into my business to make more money to keep everything going because my partner doesn’t”
I am so greatful for what I have. I’m greatful for the kids I love them loads and life would have zero purpose without them. I am not complaining I am so lucky to be a Mum.. I’m just feeling bogged down. I feel like he is just not in this with me.

All his belongings are at his dads house. He’s got minimal basics here. His work clothes and a pair of jeans for the weekends!!! Honestly it is just madness. Yet he stays here every single day eats sleeps showers the whole lot. I don’t understand any of this set up. :(.

He’s not a bad man there is much worse out there. I just feel like I’m the starter and pudding but I want to be the main course.

Am I just being Mardy? Am I moaning or are my feelings valid. Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in x

The things people put up with actually outstand me.

What the hell are you gaining from him? What does he bring to the table. It sounds like you are just dragging dead weight. You are practically a single mum. If its marriage you are after he is keeping the door closed on that one so there is no future there.

For god sake woman you are too young to be throwing your life down the drain like this for someone who isnt willing to lift a finger for you.

Get out whilst you still have a life to live

He is exploiting you. Where is his mail delivered?
I suspect his real “official “ home is his father’s. Others have pointed out how he is using you
Make a plan. Big girl pants and move on. You can do it !

He is exploiting you and because of the age gap, you will have to take on increasing responsibility and even caring for him while you should be enjoying yourself. You need to Leave The Bastard!

how did you get together with him?

You deserve better!
Your kids deserve better.
Think of the damage this toxic set up is imprinting on your girls. That a man is someone who uses you whilst you pay the bills and do everything else?
I’d say kick him out but I think if your honest with yourself he’s never really been there , committed with you in the first place.
Apply for child benefit agency for the child you have together & universal credit.
It’s never too late to start again

Get rid of him. He's no good.

He's a married man using you for money and home comforts. He's just not that into you. Let him stay at his dad's. Or you'll end up skint, when your money could go more so on yourself and your children.

The fact he won't divorce his wife should have shown you who he is. He doesnt see you as marriage material. If he died tomorrow, what would you be entitled to? You're not his wife. He has a wife.

Honestly, you've 1 life to live why even waste it on a man who brings absolutely nothing to the table? It's not as if he provides money, childcare, company. He's not the last man on God's earth.

Send him to live with his Dad, claim CSA, job done.

What difference would it make to you to get him to leave and have to financially support your joint child via child maintenance?

You wouldn't be any less lonely without this emotionally and physically unavailable man.

You are doing all the parenting and grunt work alone.

You wouldn't have to collect his financial contribution, that would be done for you.

You would have the potential to regain your self esteem and work on your boundaries.

You would have the potential to find someone willing to have an equal relationship with you.

You would not end up as carer for a man substantially older than you.

You deserve better.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Basically, you provide his food and accommodation and a shag? And he gets to look like a family man without doing any of the work? Oh, bag his stuff up and have it by the gate for when he calls round at 8pm.

This^ He isn't a family man. He is just paying for meals, laundry, sex and lodging. He has no interest in the children -- they are yours. Find someone who is interested in you as a person - not a housekeeper. And file for child support.

My mum was also a mum from 16 and webt through domestic violence, being a skint single mum, blended families when shearried my dad. Through it all her priority was her kids and she always said all she wanted in life was that my and my siblings would have the best start to life/happy adulthoods without the difficulties sue encountered.

Sotherton, as the daughter of someone who sounds similarly dedicated as you...the absolute best advice I could give you is that you are teaching your daughter that this is normal. That putting yourself last and working yourself into the ground (for a man who couldn't care less) is normal and expected. Children learn what they see. I'm the youngest so my mum had wised up by that point and the best lesson she taught me was to live life and be happy. I'm strong, confident, happy and healthy. I'm married to a lovely man and have good relationships with friends and family. When difficulties or conflict arise in my life I can deal with them with minimal turmoil. The reason for all of that is 100% the example my mum set me on how to look after yourself. My friends who grew up with mothers who put themselves last have grown up to be the same and are similarly miserable, anxious and burnt out. We need to stop raising our daughters in these kinds of ways if we want to break the cycle.

Show your daughters that you are worth more and they will grow up to believe that they are worth more.

Therefore, not Sotherton. My mum taught me how to be happy but not how to proofread clearly

I don't know what's stopping you from boxing all his stuff up and putting it in the front garden. It's so clear he's abusing you financially - he's saving a fortune and letting you pay for everything. You even cook his dinner!

Can you tell us why you don't just kick him out?

And BTW I'd be amazed if he was actually working that late.

He sounds much like my exh - the working pattern, eating alone. When we went out, he'd walk separately to us, or stay silent while the children and I had conversations. After me, he was with a younger woman who wanted children, and this is just what I thought would happen to her. Luckily, she saw the light before a child was involved. Sorry it's happened to you. Have you ever spoken to his wife? She probably went through the same thing herself.
Him divorcing is unlikely to make him change his ways, but do make sure that you're financially secure by legal means.

What kind of absolute mug are you? Kick this fool out of your home and claim cms for your son right away. Why do you let him treat you like this?
He must be laughing all the way to the bank and he can make his own bloody dinner. You are too busy ffs.
I'm not sure who I'm most pissed off with, him for doing this or you foe allowing and aiding and abetting it.

He doesnt see you as marriage material.

I doubt he sees anyone as marriage material, he's left his wife and family, he's not even a full contributing member of a family with op.

He sounds intensely selfish.

He's not marriage material himself.

All the people above blaming the OP for 'putting up with it' etc - you all should stop victim blaming and get a grip. HE is one acting like a pig. The OP is trying her best to create a family unit for her children and hoping that her useless partner changes. He won't. Of course he won't. But it is absolutely not OP's fault for 'putting up with it'. He is financially abusing her, emotionally manipulative etc etc.

I read your 2nd post OP about having your first DC at 16. So much respect for that. I had my first at 33 and it was incredibly hard (and brilliant) and I can't imagine how I would have managed doing it at 16. You also sound v. articulate and insightful about what the impact of having children so young may have had on you and putting yourself second.

Anyways..just wanted to wade in say don't beat yourself up, don't listen to the less the kind comments, but DO listen to your instincts and your knowledge of wrong & right - he is mistreating you and taking full advantage of your kindness. He is a middle aged man with a responsible job - he is more than capable of paying his way, looking after himself etc, and he is choosing to just leech off you because he is a shitty human being.

You have already achieved so much - bringing up three kids - starting your own business etc - you can do it all WITHOUT him - time to get angry, no more of this shit - kick him out. Be safe. Always call friends/family/police if he gets nasty. XXX

Wow, wow, wow. Please tell me you’re not shagging him ?
Get him out.

Sounds like the OP is already having to claim CMS from him to get any contribution at all. A couple where one of them has to use the legal system to get any financial contribution from their 'partner'? This isn't a relationship, it's an exploitation.

Sounds like (in his head), he officially lives with his dad. Yet he's staying at the OP's all the time. Is he on your council tax, using your address in any official capacity?

Tell him he either moves in properly (and contributes 50%, which I think is pretty reasonable in the household circumstances you've stated), or he doesn't come to your house at all, except to pick up his child for regular contact.

The way forward for you is clear - now what are the steps you are going to take to get him out? We can then support you.

Am I just being Mardy? Am I moaning or are my feelings valid.

Let me get this straight.
You had a son with this man, you live together, but you had to go to the CMS to make him contribute financially to his son's care?

How is that being mardy?

Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in

You won't be turning you back on what you believe in.
You will be walking away from a man who does not believe in family, future plans, or stability.

He is living off you! - he has a good job, but you pay 90% of everything? How did this sorry state of affairs come about?

Who owns the house/is on the tenancy?

He’s not a bad man there is much worse out there.

Buck up OP.
I can assure you that having no man is better than being with a bad man.
The fact that there are worse men is immaterial.

If I got mugged, would you tell me I need to suck it up because the mugger didn't kill me? Of course you wouldn't. Stop settling for a "least bad" option & start thinking about how your life would look without this financially abusive, distant & disparaging man in it.

@LS1414

Thanks everyone. I needed all this. Your all absolutely right. It’s good to hear it from outsiders who are not emotionally attracted. Your all talking with logic. Reading my post back, it is absolutely shocking and embarrassing. I agree x

OP, please get rid of this loser asap.

I’m greatful for the kids I love them loads and life would have zero purpose without them.

This stands out for me. Why is your self esteem so low?

Who owns the house/mortgage or tenancy? This man won't change, he's using you.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

He is exploiting you and because of the age gap, you will have to take on increasing responsibility and even caring for him while you should be enjoying yourself. You need to Leave The Bastard!

This made my blood run cold with the truth of it. You have one life and before you have finished raising your children you’ll be caring for an abusive partner through his old age?? You deserve so much better than this. You have your whole life ahead of you.

I read your 2nd post OP about having your first DC at 16. So much respect for that. I had my first at 33 and it was incredibly hard (and brilliant) and I can't imagine how I would have managed doing it at 16. You also sound v. articulate and insightful about what the impact of having children so young may have had on you and putting yourself second.
Agree with this. You're very mature in your level of self-awareness. But I guess it also means you have been looked down upon by some people, which might have affected your self-esteem? Has that perhaps also helped him get away with his behaviour more easily?