I am so so down with my partner 😢

[LS1414]

Hello everyone I am new here. I don’t know why I’m here but looking for advice even though deep down I know I’m absolutely stupid.

I’ve been with my partner almost 6 years.
He is much older than me. I am 30 he is 53.
We have a 3 year old son together and I have 2 daughter from a previous relationship aged 12 and 9.

He has a demanding job. He is a manager in the health sector. He leaves at 8.30am and returns home at 8pm. (12 hour days) even though he is contracted 9-5.. he is a hard worker & he enjoys his job he always done but I’m very lonely and struggling.
My daughters are at school all day, our 3 and half year olds has just started pre school. . I have my own online business I work from home.. it doesn’t make loads of money but it pays the bills. Along side this I do 3 different school runs a day, clean the house, keep on top of the laundry, the shopping, cook dinner for 5 of us every night, wash up, sort all 3 children, get them all the bed everything.

I’m not moaning, but I’m struggling to balance it all as I have to work very hard on the computer as I pay for 90% of everything! I ask him for money and to send a monthly amount on the same date each month to help and it’s always late or doesn’t send it at all. I have to moan and nag for weeks for him to send it? And it’s only a few hundred. It doesn’t even mount to what I pay out. He’s very very tight and it makes the load heavy for me financially as well as keeping everything and everyone a float at home.

When he gets home late, his dinner is waiting for him. He never comes home to eat with us all. He eats his dinner alone at the table warmed up in the microwave. I feel he is not part of the family I’m trying to create. I wouldn’t mind him working 24/7 if it was to give his family a good life etc but it isn’t because his contribution is just poor. When I had our son I had to ring CSA and make a claim because the money was so hit and miss.

I’d I cry or feel down and overwhelmed I don’t get a kiss and a cuddle or a deep conversation.. I don’t feel heard. I feel like robot just programmed to make sure everyone is ok and fed and loved and clean and to make sure we have a home that is nice and cosey and clean. I don’t matter. I’m the walking ATM and maid.

Also.. a big one for me is that he left his wife 10 years ago. He had 2 children with her. (I love his children we get on really well. They come and stay etc) his ex wife has moved on with a new man and has another baby etc but he hasn’t divorced her? I have been asking him for 5 years to get a divorce and he just doesn’t. Would this bother you??
I know they don’t want each other anymore but to me it’s the principle of showing commitment to ME and our son and family together.

I am just so tired. I’ve had the conversations so many times and he does not change. He thinks I just Nag.
I want our son to eat dinner with Daddy and talk about his day. I want his Daddy to take him to bed sometimes and read his story. I want my daughters to see me supported and loved so they grow up wanting the same.
I think he sees it as MY house not OURS. I think his commitment is way off and our morals are different.

I feel like a live in a bubble of panic every day thinking “school run, dinner, kids, House, got to put more into my business to make more money to keep everything going because my partner doesn’t”
I am so greatful for what I have. I’m greatful for the kids I love them loads and life would have zero purpose without them. I am not complaining I am so lucky to be a Mum.. I’m just feeling bogged down. I feel like he is just not in this with me.

All his belongings are at his dads house. He’s got minimal basics here. His work clothes and a pair of jeans for the weekends!!! Honestly it is just madness. Yet he stays here every single day eats sleeps showers the whole lot. I don’t understand any of this set up. :(.

He’s not a bad man there is much worse out there. I just feel like I’m the starter and pudding but I want to be the main course.

Am I just being Mardy? Am I moaning or are my feelings valid. Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in x

He’s not a bad man

Yes he is! He is financially and mentally abusive to you and the dc

He contributes sod all - nowhere near enough money, no support, no parenting...

Just get rid! You can do so much better! Being single would be so much better!

please don’t judge me.

absolutely not! Judging him though - hard!

Check how you'd be financially as a single mum on the benefits calculators, then include things like council tax discount, not feeding/heating/bathing/providing other groceries for his use...

My guess is you'd be significantly better off!!

I could've pretty much written your post yrs ago. Teenage mother used and abused for years by much older man. Walked out with three kids under 6 and the clothes on our backs. Took me seven years to find the strength to do it and admit to myself that he was such an utter bastard he didn't deserve me. He barely had a single redeeming quality.
From that second, my brain came back into sharp focus. I felt zero regret or anxiety and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I was shackled to that old git out of misplaced guilt because he'd done such a number on me.
You've woken up too. Don't lose momentum @LS1414.
Get rid of this selfish, freeloading albatross round your neck

All his stuff being at his dad's is his way of implying he doesn't have to contribute to your utilities etc because he doesn't 100% live with you. I imagine on one level it's to keep you insecure/trying to please him @LS1414 , as the not-so-subtext is that he could move back in with his dad anytime.

He sounds nasty all round.

You don't have to give up everything to be a mum. Self-care and doing stuff you enjoy would actually make you an even better mum as you'd have more energy and emotional resources, as well as the girls seeing an even more well-rounded woman to emulate.

You definitely would all do better without this arsehole around.

He has no plans to divorce because to do so would mean splitting his assets which he would not want!

It means you have no claim whatever and this way he gets your wife services for free.

You need to stop making his dinner, stop cleaning up after him and charge for all wife services.

What a selfish and tight git.

Op he has made a fool of you and has used you and humiliated you.

But you have seen the light thank goodness!

Well done op, you can look forward to a bright and happy future without that colossal cocklodging selfish leach.

What a poor excuse of a man and horrific role model for your DC but luckily you are aware now and draw a line under it.

Congratulations

He's using you and taking advantage.

He is completely taking advantage of you and I agree with a pp there is financial abuse here. You need to kick him out or leave, this isn’t a relationship or functioning family unit. You’d be in the same situation without him, except you’d have more money through cb and more independence with less hassle! I can’t see a single advantage of you staying with him…. Let alone any mention of love for each other. He sounds like a shit partner & a terrible father as he is not supporting his family in any way. Please get him out of your life, your feelings are beyond valid- I am concerned you have been bullied far too long and you have lost your confidence; I can promise you your gut instinct is right on this one op. Please listen to it xxx

To be honest I’ve told myself silly things such as: “if an older 54 year old man don’t want me then…….” Stupid self talk.
Quite, that's your dented self-esteem talking. He's incredibly lucky that you ever looked twice at him, but as he is too stupid to learn from his previous errors, he's making no effort to ensure you stay with him. He's going to end up moving back in fully with his dad at 54, isn't he? Not because of health issues or bad luck; entirely due to his own choices and behaviour.

You clearly do not need a man - if and when this one goes, you will manage much better. If you do choose to find yourself a new partner at some point, though, you have a great deal going for you.

Thankyou everyone. Again your totally right all of you!
Yes he does keep all his stuff at his dads so he can escape at any give moment I know.
If I moan etc he’ll say “well I can go to my dads” it shows he has no commitment here with us by just saying that. I could never just up and leave. Nor would I want to.

I have no idea how much money he has. He would never tel me. I know he pays quite a bit out for CSA but other than that the only bills he has is his car & phone. He isn’t materialistic he doesn’t hardly even buy clothes. So yes I bileave he’s saving it being selfish.

The other week, I thought let me test him and show him reality.. I took him food shopping with me.. we needed food, toiletries, laundry stuff etc you know how it is it was a big shop. It came to £150 and he stood there and watched me get my bank card out and pay. Honestly it’s those times that gives me a huge wake up.

All the times he has sent me money, by the time it lands in my bank I don’t want it because it was so exauhsting moaning for it and squeezing it out of him.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago… I told him do not get me anything please, not even a card. I said If you don’t contribute properly to important things, there is no room or acceptance for gifts.
Low and behold.. he turned up with a £200 pair of apple head phones for me! I was hurt.

Your right I’ve been humiliated. He clearly doesn’t see me as a wife or a solid future. I’m an option. I’m entertainment and I’m totally wasting mine and the kids life. Xx I’ve lived in a state of confusion I think for so long. I was bought up with good parents who loved me and provided well and see very good morals. Dinner time was at the table etc there was a lot of respect. So this for me has been a bit confusion and not normal. I’m aware my inner child is crying saying save me.

Thankyou so much everyone. The smelt old bald twat is going x

So you are the cook, the housekeeper, the childminder, the shopper, the sorting-everything-outer and he also expects pay for everything too?

F that! He has you exactly where he wants you and has conditioned you to believe that this is normal.

It is NOT.

don’t understand any of this set up. Unfortunately, you have allowed this set up. So it's up to you to uproot your foot down and stop it. He can move into his Dad's.

Start making plans today.

'Put your foot down'.

Sorry, typo.

I'm a single mum. Your life will be much nicer without him in it.

Good to see your mettle rising OP - loved your bald old git putdown.
He is a sponging miser who loves dangling you on a string.

It's his dad I feel sorry for - he'll have him back full time as soon as you've put a boot up the miser's arse!

You don't have a relationship with him anyway if you had to call the CMS on him!

You have a cocklodger on your hands.

Get rid and get CMS to collect and pay to you directly.

Your money should go further when you're not catering for him and paying all his expenses as well. You'll get a council tax discount you will have less outgoings and hopefully CMS payments coming in and possibly tax credits if you qualify.

LTB, he doesn't seem to contribute anything positive to your life.

I know you said he is not a bad man but he seems like he is to me. What does his Father think of all of this?

His main priority is himself

He has not divorced

He brings nothing positive to your life

I agree, kick him back to his Father's

You would be better off financially & emotionally

I'd say in this scenario he wanted a woman to basically be a free nanny to his kids when he had them/a free housekeeper/cook/personal shopper.

The fact he can financially freeload off you too when you're both working is obviously another bonus to him.

Leaving at 8:30am when you begin at 9am is acceptable;not being home by 6:30pm at the latest when you finish at 5 and have less than a 30 minute commute is not.

The chances are he's not actually doing anything of any note at work until that time (if he is even at work until at time) but merely loitering so when he arrives home not only is his dinner cooked and being kept for him but the dishes/cleanings been done and the 3 year is bathed and in bed therefore meaning he gets to avoid all the nasty little inconvenience of being an adult/parent to a young child.

I'm not being mean here but there is a generation difference here with your age gap;he's in his 50's and was brought up in a generation where it was generally expected that housework/childcare is the responsibility of the woman in the household.

The issue is at 53 he's set in his ways.TBH it sounds as though the ex got off lightly.

I'm not being mean here but there is a generation difference here with your age gap;he's in his 50's and was brought up in a generation where it was generally expected that housework/childcare is the responsibility of the woman in the household.

Huh? I'm watching DH load the dishwasher while I MN and he's 50. Generation gap my arse. Maybe if he was 90. But I can assure you in the 70s we had feminism.

So if you leave him…..you would actually have less work to do.

Bin him, his dragging you down and keeping you in a life you don’t want. Even a boyfriend would be better for you at this stage!

There are 20 years between me and DP. Our circumstances are very similar to yours but I only have one DC (with him, he has other adult DC) and DP is a very high earner. If he behaved like this he’d be gone in no time.

Tell him to leave
Downsize your house
Put a claim into the cms for child maint
Put claims in for benefits

Live a happy life not having to look after a man child who bleeds you dry financially , emotionally and treats you like a cook, maid and housekeeper

He should be utterly ashamed of himself. You sound awesome, and when he is gone you will be happy too. Call CMS and get it sorted, tell him to fuck off to his dad’s for good.

You do know that you are his housekeeper and nanny. And that seems to be about it. Do look after yourself and your kids, stop cooking his meals and doing his laundry. See how long he copes with that.

I'm his age and wouldn't tolerate a fraction of that. Neither would my mum or my granny.

OP, you sound lovely AND utterly worn out.
Try these 5 steps:

1. Bag his stuff in bin liners and drop off at his Dad's.

1. Change locks.

1. Text him that it's over and that contact with his son can be arranged through a new Google Calendar account. Depending on MUTUAL availability.

1. Claim all applicable benefits.

1. Pour yourself a large glass of wine. Cocklodger problem solved :-)