I am so so down with my partner 😢

[LS1414]

Hello everyone I am new here. I don’t know why I’m here but looking for advice even though deep down I know I’m absolutely stupid.

I’ve been with my partner almost 6 years.
He is much older than me. I am 30 he is 53.
We have a 3 year old son together and I have 2 daughter from a previous relationship aged 12 and 9.

He has a demanding job. He is a manager in the health sector. He leaves at 8.30am and returns home at 8pm. (12 hour days) even though he is contracted 9-5.. he is a hard worker & he enjoys his job he always done but I’m very lonely and struggling.
My daughters are at school all day, our 3 and half year olds has just started pre school. . I have my own online business I work from home.. it doesn’t make loads of money but it pays the bills. Along side this I do 3 different school runs a day, clean the house, keep on top of the laundry, the shopping, cook dinner for 5 of us every night, wash up, sort all 3 children, get them all the bed everything.

I’m not moaning, but I’m struggling to balance it all as I have to work very hard on the computer as I pay for 90% of everything! I ask him for money and to send a monthly amount on the same date each month to help and it’s always late or doesn’t send it at all. I have to moan and nag for weeks for him to send it? And it’s only a few hundred. It doesn’t even mount to what I pay out. He’s very very tight and it makes the load heavy for me financially as well as keeping everything and everyone a float at home.

When he gets home late, his dinner is waiting for him. He never comes home to eat with us all. He eats his dinner alone at the table warmed up in the microwave. I feel he is not part of the family I’m trying to create. I wouldn’t mind him working 24/7 if it was to give his family a good life etc but it isn’t because his contribution is just poor. When I had our son I had to ring CSA and make a claim because the money was so hit and miss.

I’d I cry or feel down and overwhelmed I don’t get a kiss and a cuddle or a deep conversation.. I don’t feel heard. I feel like robot just programmed to make sure everyone is ok and fed and loved and clean and to make sure we have a home that is nice and cosey and clean. I don’t matter. I’m the walking ATM and maid.

Also.. a big one for me is that he left his wife 10 years ago. He had 2 children with her. (I love his children we get on really well. They come and stay etc) his ex wife has moved on with a new man and has another baby etc but he hasn’t divorced her? I have been asking him for 5 years to get a divorce and he just doesn’t. Would this bother you??
I know they don’t want each other anymore but to me it’s the principle of showing commitment to ME and our son and family together.

I am just so tired. I’ve had the conversations so many times and he does not change. He thinks I just Nag.
I want our son to eat dinner with Daddy and talk about his day. I want his Daddy to take him to bed sometimes and read his story. I want my daughters to see me supported and loved so they grow up wanting the same.
I think he sees it as MY house not OURS. I think his commitment is way off and our morals are different.

I feel like a live in a bubble of panic every day thinking “school run, dinner, kids, House, got to put more into my business to make more money to keep everything going because my partner doesn’t”
I am so greatful for what I have. I’m greatful for the kids I love them loads and life would have zero purpose without them. I am not complaining I am so lucky to be a Mum.. I’m just feeling bogged down. I feel like he is just not in this with me.

All his belongings are at his dads house. He’s got minimal basics here. His work clothes and a pair of jeans for the weekends!!! Honestly it is just madness. Yet he stays here every single day eats sleeps showers the whole lot. I don’t understand any of this set up. :(.

He’s not a bad man there is much worse out there. I just feel like I’m the starter and pudding but I want to be the main course.

Am I just being Mardy? Am I moaning or are my feelings valid. Family & future plans etc and stability are everything to me and I feel like I’m turning my back on what I bileave in x

This sounds like it's not just about financial contribution - it's about a lack of intimacy, appreciation, effort and feeling of togetherness.

Also, maybe it doesn't bother you now but the age difference is just huge. I wonder what kind of enormous pressure you'll be under in as little as 10 years' time when he might slow down, develop age related health issues and then expect you to be his nurse :(

This is awful. Effectively you are living with a man who contributes so little you had to apply to the CSA to get him to pay his way. You are do everything to facilitate his life while he ignores you. I know it is hard, but he has a place to go, his dads so it’s time for him move out. Change the locks and just enjoy life without him. You will have more money and more time and he can lay the csa he owes you.

@TheFoundations

The whole issue here is that you are questioning whether your feelings are valid. Who do you think gets to decide whether they are valid or not? Who is responsible for that decision?

Word

It makes me really sad that you have to ask us op. You are the judge of whether your feelings are valid. Trust yourself and your feelings.

I genuinely, genuinely don't understand what you are getting out of this relationship. There seems to be no sense of teamwork or family from him, or practical or emotional contribution to your household.
Trust your feelings on this and stand by them.

You’ve been together 6 years!
It’s time you need to officially move in together and then split the bills 50/50 or have a joint account and pay everything from that.

I’d be talking to him about it this weekend. It’s either that or the relationship is over.
You are basically a single parent.

I don’t even believe he’s doing the hours he says he is.

Hey guys i have just read all the your replies…
Thankyou to each and everyone of you. All of you have valid correct points & Thankyou for giving me your time and advice and points of view x

Some questions answered:
The house is rented. Fully in my name. I got a house big enough for all of us as he kept promising her live with me properly but to no avail …. So yes he’s mugged me off there.

I have spoke to his wife and yes her story is the exact same as mine. So it is obviously a pattern, but I didn’t hear her story until after I had our son

My self asteem has lowered over the years.. I am very confident I’m not a frail little shaking person but I guess this has all knocked me yes I’m just so so tired and bad enough. I don’t know much but what I DO know is I cannot live in this prison till he dies no way.

Thankyou everyone who mentioned me being a mum from 16. Yes it was hard but it is also the reason for my level head & maturity now. I had to grow up quickly x
Your right, what children see is what they become. I just wanted to show them that you work through things, don’t give up at the first hurdle and family sticks together but yes I’m the only one here with that mind set it seems.

I am stupid for accepting it. And I am ashamed of myself to be honest. . To be honest I’ve told myself silly things such as: “if an older 54 year old man don’t want me then…….”
Stupid self talk.

I wana know what it’s like to wear a big white dress, I wana know what it’s like to walk into a big empty house that you just bought, I wana know what it’s like to PLAN babies, I want to know what it’s like to be loved & someone make me some dinner. I’d be greatful for beans on toast. It’s the thought behind it.

I’ve tried all I can, I’m not perfect. Nobody is. But I’ve really tried. And I’ve been patient yet deprived.

Thankyou I’m going to get rid xxx

Best decision you have made in a long time op.
Good luck and keep us posted.

Was there a stage you felt this was a successful relationship with a decent man?

Well done, continue to be the strong woman you know you are underneath 💐

Well, the good news is that bagging up his stuff won't take long! 😁 ###

Seriously, OP, you are virtually a single mum even now. Not judging, nay, not even @16 (not logistically ideal but not to be judged!). To paraphrase the immortal Captain Mal Reynolds, you've done the impossible and that makes you mighty. ###

Once you shuck off the idea that a cocklodging loser like this waste of oxygen validates you, you will be SOOO happy. You'll be free, calm, focussed even more on your lovely DC, ready to get on with your life in general. Please - please! - look into the Freedom Programme. It's a real eye opener and some of the best knowledge and bonding I've ever experienced. ###

Moreover, esp after you've figured out who YOU really are, some day you'll find somebody who IS perfect for you. It's damn sure ain't gonna be Cocklodge McMidlifeCrisis over there. ###

(###s added in, in case Android eats my paragraphs)

Yes of course I did have times at the start where I thought I was in a world of greatness with him. He was quite attentive at the start. Flowers, dates, kindness etc you name it. Which is why it has been hard to leave him.
I’m aware it was love bombing and he holds narcissist traits. But that’s a whole other story xxx whatever he is and whoever he is there is no excuse for this x

I think you should take some time to decide whether you want to try and make a go of things or if actually you’re done now because you’ve spent too long on him already.

If you want to try and give it another go then I’d be having a very serious discussion with him and telling him it’s his last chance and if things don’t cud he you’ll be leaving. Give yourself a time limit and then stick to it.

Honestly if he hasn’t improved in 6 years I can’t see it getting any better in the future. The first few years are the best it will ever be.

I'm guessing live together in which case how are you able to get him to pay child support? He's also a resident parent?

Sorry but this is disgusting... he's working all day and doesn't help at home but ALSO DOESNT CONTRIBUTE??

I'd be asking him to set up a standing order with the bank to you for half the bills every month or telling him to get the fuck out of my house.

He's 53 and he's using you. You realise he's living off your work, while treating you like a housemaid and nanny but also while saving all of his own money for himself?

I bet he has stacks in the bank but doesn't mind watching you struggle. Cruel man.

Also sorry no I'd actually kick him out even if he did pay me. He hasn't even divorced his wife.

Also I agree, you're 30, you can meet someone else and be the main course.

He will be in his 60s when your child is 10. When your child is a teen he may retire. When your child leaves home... he may begin to need care. And you'll be expected to do it.

Glad you've decided to leave OP. You deserve a wonderful man who will be a team with you. And don't doubt yourself you sound great!

@SleepingBunnies21

Also, it may not be a popular thing tk sag among mumsnetters who have dignifhcabtly older partners, but I find relationships like that (esp. with an older man) are often exploitative. They often take advantage; that seems to be very much the case here.

That was my experience too sadly

Poor op my heart goes out to you

This is one of the most shocking threads I've read on here. And that's saying something....it's Mumsnet after all.

He doesn’t even sound like a partner, just a creepy old lodger. You’ve not even said one redeeming thing about him.

Fucking hell OP. You don't have one red flag here, you have many, many red flags.

You tell him you are done and want him out of your house, shouldn't take him long to put his jeans in a carrier bag. You put his shepherd's pie in a tupperware container and let this 53 year old head back to his Dad's.

a creepy old (non paying) lodger

Spot on. You sound like an amazing mum and you deserve much more.

Good decision to get rid, but make sure he pays to support his child.
There is absolutely no doubt you will find someone who deserves a partner like you and create a fulfilling family life together. There is someone who is going to love cooking you meals out there and will love spending family time with you and contribute as an equal.
You were 24 who had dedicated all her adult life to bringing up her children when he came along and loved bombed you. He was a 47 year old. Don't blame yourself for the situation it could happen to anyone in the same circumstances.
Time to move on.
Good Luck.

Hoestly OP, I hope you give yourself credit. You're so emotionally mature, clearly hard working and dedicated to your kids you are honestly a credit to them.

It's easy to see it from the outside and say "you are an idiot for being with a man who treats you that way" but so hard to see it from within and take action. Do not forget how strong you are, you deserve the best kind of man and do not settle for less xxx

Wow, OP. This is so out of order that I thought you were trolling until you gave more details about your past and self-esteem issues.

Doesn't he sound delightful. He wants to have his cake and eat it, and to check out whenever suits him. The guy is bad news, you'll be pleased you've escaped him. Best of luck xx