He said I don't deserve him and the bottom has fallen out of my world

[holymoly678]

A few weeks ago I made contact with my estranged mother - we haven't spoken in 6 years. I was worried about the impact on my kids and particularly when she is gone.
Yesterday I made the mistake of broaching to my husband maybe I could invite my parents for Christmas dinner. She's not been good to him at all the last 6 years and I appreciate it was a stupid idea to come away with after all this time.
The fall out has been catastrophic. He's been brutally honest about how he feels about me and our relationship and has said that it is over. Lots of examples of how poorly I've treated him, things I've done in the past. He said I haven't cared enough to make any changes to be a better person. He's told me I don't deserve him.

He is right.
He's going to come back to me in a few days to let me know "what happens next".

Do I stay out his way until then? Do I make an exit plan to make it easier?
I don't want to hurt him anymore.

What have you done to not deserve him exactly? Wanting to build a relationship with your mum, no matter how misguided doesn’t seem like a relationship ending situation. He could be right and you may need to work on some things or he might be a gaslighting cockwomble who has convinced you that your the problem.

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingForA couple years ago I drank too much and caused drama where there was no need. I've not drank for a year in a bid to change. I'm on antidepressants and have gone to therapy to continue to better myself. I have not stopped working on myself, and I genuinely am not sure I can do much better which is what is making me feel perhaps he is right.

I understand his point on dropping the mum bombshell. I also believe that in similar circumstances I probably would do the same thing again. I don't think enough about consequences and how my behaviour affects him. Sure, it is not all one sided and he is a difficult person to be in a relationship with sometimes. But the scales are tipped.

Well he could have said “no” and explained why he thought your mum coming was a bad idea.

I dont know if it would help from the other perspective (sort of ). My Ex MIL was awful to me and Exdh and our DS1. Truly vile in a variety of ways.

To boil everything down to ease of writing I got to the point of ending my marriage over her mainly (there were other issues) and it came down to this. I needed my Exdh to put me and DC first and to the other side of it it felt as though he wasn't prepared to face his own issues and do the work he needed to deal with his crap upbringing , so to me it felt selfish because DC and I came second to the easy option.

I got completely that his relationship with his mother had screwed his head up but he could have faced it , dealt with it. He kept doing the same thing, he would go No contact and then he would let her back in. Several times it happened at moments where I was at my most vulnerable and he basically expected me to be the emotional punching bag so he didn't have to and could live out his fantasy of having a decent mother.

But here's the thing. If , even at the last moment, hell even after the separation he had put me first. Put our family first. Accepted that his need for maternal validation wasn't more important that the health and emotional safety of his family.....I'd have forgiven him. We would have stayed married. All I needed from him was to not take the easy way out and be with us. Not to put his need for her toxic relationship above us, I would have stayed. He would have had to show me that he was finished being selfish and prepared to do the hard work to deal with his issues.

He didn't. Unfortunately it took the loss of us for him to do so. Its taken years but he finally dealt with his issue with her and stopped seeking her validation. But...he did it too late and he knows that. He regrets it but its been years now and whilst we co parent well , we have a great friendship I have moved on.

The reason I'm saying this is I was sat in your husbands place, and I would still have forgiven after everything. But not if he still put that relationship ahead of his family.

You still have the ability to save it (probably) I genuinely wouldn't want you to deal with the same regrets he does.

I'm afraid I did say the same to him. I didn't mean I was better than him I meant he wasn't doing anything to keep us, that he put someone else ahead of us everytime things were settled.

Now you may be in an entirely different place, he may be abusive and unfair. But on the face of it I've been on the other side where I was not the abuser but my exdh put me in the position of having to deal with one.

Sounds to me like it was the straw that broke the camels back.

‘A drama where there was no need’ did you punch someone? Or say things that are unforgivable? you seem to have done everything to prevent it happening again. I’m not really seeing what his problem is TBH.

@Nietzschethehiker
Thank you for taking the time to tell your story. It is very helpful and definitely gives me a different perspective. What you are saying really does ring true with me.
I have gone wrong in that I thought I had dealt with it and worked my way through it and clearly this isn't the case.

Thanks again

He said I haven't cared enough to make any changes to be a better person. He's told me I don't deserve him.

But you've stopped drinking and you've sought help for your depression. You're having ongoing counselling. You've made changes.

I'd make your exit plan.

Coming back in a few days to let you know what happens next is bullshit. He's punishing you. Fuck him.

Very good post Nietz

I had a similarly awful MIL, who we lived very close to. Her behaviour was getting worse, dh always supported me but I knew we had to get away firm her, giving up great jobs, lovely house etc. Dh was absolutely with me, and moving away was the best thing we ever did for our family. If dh had not agreed to move away, I would have gone anyway.

OP your H needs to know you will always put him and your family first. Are you still having therapy because it sounds like there are many issues here, including alcohol, your mum being toxic towards you and your H.

The timeline sounds a bit odd - if you haven't spoken to your mother in 6 years, in what way has she not been good to him? Indeed, it sounds like you have taken his part if you haven't spoken to her in all that time.

In any case, it sounds like a very strong reaction on his part and we don't know enough to know whether it's a bullying overreaction or whether your comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. We don't know whether your husband doesn't like your mother because she's abusive and damaging or because he's abusive, your mother's clocked it, and he has tried to isolate you from her.

Whatever the truth of this, it sounds like you have been working very hard to put things right but sometimes it's not enough to save the damaged relationship. It may be that you're better off out of this relationship as well.

It probably is better to give him space and make whatever plans you feel you need to make to protect your position. He may calm down or he may not but giving him space is most likely to allow him to do so.

What support do you have IRL?

By your own admission in the past there was drama where there was no need for any. He has seen you trying to bring your mother back into your joint lives and potentially sees this as a massive step back as by bringing her back is taking a step towards further drama going forward, drama he no longer feels inclined to be involved in .

I am unsure why you are trying to reestablish a relationship with her as you seem well awareness what this will mean and it seems like you are trying to self sabotage your life and your relationship.

People having a go at the Husband, how can you do that without all the facts? You don’t know what “the drama” entailed. We’re always telling women to “listen when someone tells you who they are”. Maybe the H has had enough?

I am still going to counselling and I haven't drank in a year. I don't have a problem with alcohol anymore and have never felt better since stopping. The drama would be alcohol related and arguments. These arguments can still bubble when he is drinking but I now have the clarity not to pick up the baton and escalate.
The reason I got in touch with my mother is because I felt that I had reached a point where I was in control and where I don't feel it would have caused sabotage. Rightly or wrongly. I wanted my children to know that we could at least have some semblance of a relationship. I can see now I have made the wrong choices.
This was the straw that broke the camel's back. And yes, he has had enough.
I have been working hard but not hard enough. Just the other day he text me out of the blue to tell me that I was the most amazing person and that he was "honoured" to have me in his life.
Things like this upset me because I didn't see it coming. I have no defence to what he has been saying. I have made things difficult, I do have baggage, I have tried to put him first always but my actions aren't enough, and trying isn't enough. I can't do enough to make this work and I don't want a man who doesn't deserve it to be unhappy.
I'll give him all the space he needs and then work on a strategy in the meantime to get out pain free.

Your husband sounds awful, and possibly emotionally abusive. Only you know if I’m right or not, but the punishments you are describing here don’t seem to fit the “crimes”.

And he is now leaving you hanging before he tells you what happens next? Please make an exit plan you deserve better.

Wait so he still drink and pucks fights with you, but you're no longer allowed to drink so you don't argue back?

If you have been no contact with your mother for 6 years, in what way has she been awful to him in that 6 years? Xx

Make your own plans you don't need him to tell you what you are doing

Do you share children? Property? Joint finance?

You do not have to better yourself or work on yourself - you are not a lump of clay for him, or indeed anyone else, to mould to their idea of the woman he wants. You are - quite simply - you ....... with all your virtues and your faults, your strengths and your weaknesses. You are not there to be his perfect wife. We are none of us perfect.

I think you need to stop letting this man dictate who you should be and hold your head up high as a person in your own right.

Did you discuss it with him before you made contact with her? Or did you suddenly just say you wanted her to come to Christmas Dinner and he had no idea you were even speaking to her again?

She hasn't been directly awful to him. She didn't accept him or me and our lives together. She hasn't visited and she offered me no support during my earlier break up and disowned me.
We have 2 children each and we share property and finance.
I don't have much further support in real life I have a couple of friends and my brother.
He still drinks. It was my choice to stop drinking and I am glad I did.
I don't believe the punishment necessarily fits the crime. But I sat through 6 hours of listening to him spilling his guts yesterday about the culmination. He said I have destroyed our relationship, I don't listen, I don't care, I am selfish. I take the piss out of him etc etc.

He’s abusive.

You are not the problem here.

Sounds like he doesn't deserve you tbh

Ok so you've stopped drinking, she's done nothing to him and arguments generally arise when he has had a drink but somehow this is all your fault?

No he's a mentally abusive tosser.

It sounds as though he has convinced you that you are the issue and you need to work on yourself. If you're going to counselling, given up drinking and still beating yourself up about an episode over a year ago, and now he's just said it's over, it seems pretty intolerable to me tbh.

And the weird message about you being amazing is just a bit patronising I think. Surely in a relationship both parties have to work at themselves - no-one's perfect.

Either he's emotionally/psychologically abusive, or you've done something awful you haven't mentioned on here. Because what you have written about isn't a good reason for him telling you that you're not good enough. You've gone to counselling, stopped drinking and are resisting his attempts to start fights. What more does he want from you?

Well hearing your latest updates I take back what I said earlier. I too think your H is being ridiculous here, it sounds like he has an alcohol problem.Had he been drinking when he spoke at you fir 6 hours yesterday?