He said I don't deserve him and the bottom has fallen out of my world

[holymoly678]

A few weeks ago I made contact with my estranged mother - we haven't spoken in 6 years. I was worried about the impact on my kids and particularly when she is gone.
Yesterday I made the mistake of broaching to my husband maybe I could invite my parents for Christmas dinner. She's not been good to him at all the last 6 years and I appreciate it was a stupid idea to come away with after all this time.
The fall out has been catastrophic. He's been brutally honest about how he feels about me and our relationship and has said that it is over. Lots of examples of how poorly I've treated him, things I've done in the past. He said I haven't cared enough to make any changes to be a better person. He's told me I don't deserve him.

He is right.
He's going to come back to me in a few days to let me know "what happens next".

Do I stay out his way until then? Do I make an exit plan to make it easier?
I don't want to hurt him anymore.

In the past, if an argument started I would take it to another level and go into full panic mode. Arguments would start after drinking mostly which is why I decided to try something different to prevent this. I find fault with things, I bring stress to ocassions like nights out or friends visiting. I haven't done anything catastrophic but it clearly chips away.
My mum decided that when I moved out of our marital home I was being selfish and my house was further away from my ex's and she wouldn't be coming to mine. He sent me death threats by text and I eventually went to the police. They used my mum as a witness and she didn't speak to me afterwards for putting her through the stress. She told me I was a bad parent. Just before the death threats she met him once, told me she had me all wrong and that she wished I'd met him years before and then didn't want to see me again.

Unless I am missing something obvious, what purpose would it serve for him to be bullying and abusive in this way? What could he possibly gain?

He doesn't get to decide if you have a relationship with your mother.

@Sidehustle99 he's not deciding that. He told me that he would support me either way but that Christmas dinner was a ridiculous notion. He said we should have an integration plan, go see her first, said he has some things he wants to square off with her. But going head first into Christmas was the problem.

There's nothing more that I haven't disclosed. What I said about my mum yesterday was earth shattering for him. And he says I often say stupid things without thinking.

You are in an abusive relationship - you are doing the work. Your DP is the problem here.

"I find fault with things, I bring stress to ocassions like nights out or friends visiting."

But what kind of faults and stress?

Your posts don't throw any light on why you are now completely convinced that you're a bad person and he's a saint for putting up with you OP.

As it is, it reads like something he's drilled into you and now you're desperately agreeing it's all your fault.

He's not a bully. I think what he wants from me I am incapable of. He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance. For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable.

This right here is coercive control. You need to speak to someone from a DA service provider.

This is actually quite simple, either you are awful to him and the relationship is over or he is the type of person to pretend you are awful to him in which case the relationship is over anyway. So either way, it is over.

Hang on , "all" he wants from you is that you basically agree with his wishes and wants 100% of the time.
So you should always put him first in all things?
He has done quite a job on you op.

So everything will be fine as long as you do exactly what he says?

Can you see what you are saying in black and white? Read it back to yourself.

@holymoly678

Unless I am missing something obvious, what purpose would it serve for him to be bullying and abusive in this way? What could he possibly gain?

Abusers don't always have calculated end goals but right now he has you isolated from family, 100% grovelling and adoring and begging, blaming and hating yourself. Presumably doing anything you can to appease him.

I'd say that could be pretty damn attractive as a reason!

You are right in it abs you can't see it but you are being controlled

He is using all of the tools

On a side note op, please don't let toxic parents into your grandchilds life. I wish tf my mum had kept her mum away from me.

I can see why your partner was mad if he thought you were going to let drama back into the life of your family.

So to get this straight, he wants 100% harmony, agreement, and tolerance. Most people who want harmony, agreement and tolerance don't tell other people that they say stupid things and have drunken rants lasting hours where they dredge up any old thing that their spouse has done where somehow they weren't put first. When does he put you first?

(But on reading your updates, he is an abuser too).

Cut all abusers out of your life.

Are you allowed to feel anything. Express emotion of any kind?

@holymoly678

Unless I am missing something obvious, what purpose would it serve for him to be bullying and abusive in this way? What could he possibly gain?

You said this:

He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance. For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable.

All you need to do for a happy life is exactly what he tells you to do.
You need to feel exactly how he wants you to feel.
You need to agree with everything he says.
You need to be entirely subservient to his every need.

He wants a woman where he can come home to food on the table and a clean house, where he doesn't have to lift a finger, where he can tell you to get dressed up and you will because you'll be grateful that he wants to show you off, and when he goes off on a bender for days at a time, you won't question it.

He wants to be able to do whatever he wants and have someone at home looking after his house and kids, who'll give him sex when he wants it and will worship the ground he walks on. That's what he has to gain.

Oh, op.

You are not the problem here. Your dh is the problem, I'm sorry.

But in no healthy relationship do you strive to "live up to their standards".

He is verbally abusive to you when he drinks. It sounds like that he gaslights you frequently. He continues to belittle you and make you feel bad, to turn each situation around so that he is the victim, when you've done remarkable things in the last year to stop drinking etc.

You will never be 'good enough' for him. Not because you aren't good enough- you sound like the better person by miles- but because it's about control and superiority, and that is something you cannot influence.

It isn't normal to be "drinking" regularly. To have a couple of drinks or so, yes, but to drink to the point it affects moods, tolerance, behaviour? No.

What's more, and what signals just how dangerous he is, is that he sent you death threats. The police were involved. Your mother stood witness.

Men who send death threats are often men who kill.

Has he ever been violent to you? Pushed, shoved, hit, strangled you?

Has your mum said in the past she doesn't think he's good for you? Is that why she's kept her distance? It's very very hard for people to witness loved ones exist in abusive relationships when they can't see it.

Abusers are manipulative. They make it seem like your fault, like their behaviour is justified, that they are the victims.
Please read this page:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/recognising-signs-domestic-abuse/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

You are worth SO much more than this.

Have you got DC?

I think you should discuss this with your therapist ASAP, you need professional advice from someone who can be dispassionate.

I think from the way you are posting you know that his words and behaviour are outrageous but you want others to condemn him for you. Stop centring him and your mother in all this. How do you feel? What do you want for your future?

TaraR2020 I read it that her ex husband had sent death threats not her current partner.

I'm really sorry - I don't normally do this but I looked up your username OP and your past threads which have been going on since 2019 in the same way.

From then I can only conclude one thing: he is abusive. He is so abusive. He is fucking with your head.

You need to get out.

It takes time, I know, to come to terms with this - people have said it to you before and I suspect you'll be posting here again one day - but over time I hope it becomes doable.

This is no way to live.

The reason I got in touch with my mother is because I felt that I had reached a point where I was in control and where I don't feel it would have caused sabotage. Rightly or wrongly. I wanted my children to know that we could at least have some semblance of a relationship.

Your relationship with your mother is destructive.
Modelling it in front of your DC will do them no favours, & probably active damage.
It's natural to want to be able to have a 'happy families' set up with GP's. But it doesn't sound like something your mother is capable of - & perhaps your biggest error is the belief that because you are now feeling in control, that this would have any effect whatsoever on your mother's behaviour.

Whatever your mother's dysfunction is - you did not cause it, you can not cure it, & you definitely cannot control it.
It is bad enough to have kept you NC for 6 years. Don't visit it on your children.