He said I don't deserve him and the bottom has fallen out of my world

[holymoly678]

A few weeks ago I made contact with my estranged mother - we haven't spoken in 6 years. I was worried about the impact on my kids and particularly when she is gone.
Yesterday I made the mistake of broaching to my husband maybe I could invite my parents for Christmas dinner. She's not been good to him at all the last 6 years and I appreciate it was a stupid idea to come away with after all this time.
The fall out has been catastrophic. He's been brutally honest about how he feels about me and our relationship and has said that it is over. Lots of examples of how poorly I've treated him, things I've done in the past. He said I haven't cared enough to make any changes to be a better person. He's told me I don't deserve him.

He is right.
He's going to come back to me in a few days to let me know "what happens next".

Do I stay out his way until then? Do I make an exit plan to make it easier?
I don't want to hurt him anymore.

Whilst I think his reaction to this incident is well OTT, if I put myself in your Hs place, sometimes you just don’t feel it anymore with someone for multiple reasons past and current and it only takes one incident for this all to come out. If this was a man posting that his wife was unhappy and wanted out I don’t think the responses would be the same. I think OP it sounds like it’s run it’s course and take a calm look at going forward.

"I have tried to put him first always but my actions aren't enough, and trying isn't enough."

This jumps out at me. You shouldn't be putting him first always. Why do you think that you should? No adult should habitually put another adult first and no adult should habitually demand that. What about you and your needs? And, btw, what about your children? A healthy relationship sometimes involves compromise - sometimes one adult's needs are prioritised in the moment; sometimes another adult's needs are prioritised.

Honestly, OP - I expect there's fault on both sides here but, based on your updates, your H is sounding pretty unreasonable. My DH and I really cut back our drinking quite early on in our relationship because we found that lovely evenings would often end up in some ridiculous argument. You've taken that step but he's still drinking and causing drama. In fact, what you've described is yet more drama.

I'm not sure it's worth getting hung up on who's to blame here, OP - it just all sounds rather dysfunctional and toxic - one minute you're amazing and he's honoured to have you in his life; the next minute - he spends hours spewing bile at you and saying it's over. Do you really want to continue in this way? Do you want to model this for your DCs?

He sounds quite unfair, but it could also just be that he has reached the end of his tether. Sometimes, even if you have moved on and are doing better now, old things that has happened can cause resentment to set in much later in life. Perhaps, he is thinking that you reintroducing your mother in your lives scares him, and he fells it is a step backwards when you have come so far. Therefore he can't see that you are putting your relationship first.

Has your mother changed at all, or are you likely to be in the same position you were in six years ago soon again?

There's nothing more that I haven't disclosed. What I said about my mum yesterday was earth shattering for him. And he says I often say stupid things without thinking. As I said earlier, I'm not sure given the same circumstances I wouldn't do it again.
He was drinking through yesterday's marathon.
He's not a bully. I think what he wants from me I am incapable of. He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance. For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable.
I have taken myself to the limit of self improvement and I'm not sure where to go next or what to do next. This is not me being a victim, this is how I see it. I'm not living up to his standards, he doesn't deserve me, no matter how it is cut that is how he feels and that is what I have to respect.

Can he pinpoint what it is that he is missing in your relationship? It's hard to fix anything if he can't communicate to you what he needs.

He was drinking through yesterday's marathon.
He's not a bully. I think what he wants from me I am incapable of. He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance. For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable.

1. He is a bully
2. He has a drink problem
3. Nobody is “capable” of meeting his demands unless they totally turned off their own wants/needs.

I think you are in an abusive relationship, he has to to rant at you for 6 hours. What has he done to live up to your standards? You've bent over backwards for him and what appreciation for your efforts do you get? It's him that doesn't deserve you!

What I said about my mum yesterday was earth shattering for him.
Why? This seems really dramatic. She's never done him any harm so why on Earth would it be 'Earth shattering'?

He's not a bully. I think what he wants from me I am incapable of. He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance.
He wants you to do as your told and he doesn't tolerate anything else. So he wants tolerance from you but not from him.
You can't always agree. You'll have differences of opinions.
He doesn't want someone who knows their mind.
What a miserable life.

He is undoubtedly a bully OP

@holymoly678

There's nothing more that I haven't disclosed. What I said about my mum yesterday was earth shattering for him. And he says I often say stupid things without thinking. As I said earlier, I'm not sure given the same circumstances I wouldn't do it again. He was drinking through yesterday's marathon. He's not a bully. I think what he wants from me I am incapable of. He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance. For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable. I have taken myself to the limit of self improvement and I'm not sure where to go next or what to do next. This is not me being a victim, this is how I see it. I'm not living up to his standards, he doesn't deserve me, no matter how it is cut that is how he feels and that is what I have to respect.

Blimey, he's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

This isn't a healthy or loving relationship OP.

It sounds to me like you'd be better off without either of them in your life tbh.

I'd suggest trying that, and see if possibly your need for anti-depressants and previously, too much alcohol, goes away.

It does seem like your partner and your mother may have a great deal in common.

@holymoly678

There's nothing more that I haven't disclosed. What I said about my mum yesterday was earth shattering for him. And he says I often say stupid things without thinking. As I said earlier, I'm not sure given the same circumstances I wouldn't do it again. He was drinking through yesterday's marathon. He's not a bully. I think what he wants from me I am incapable of. He wants 100% harmony, agreement, tolerance. For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable. I have taken myself to the limit of self improvement and I'm not sure where to go next or what to do next. This is not me being a victim, this is how I see it. I'm not living up to his standards, he doesn't deserve me, no matter how it is cut that is how he feels and that is what I have to respect.

In that case you're dealing with an abuser. This is why you feel bad about yourself.

100% agreement and harmony is not possible or necessarily desirable in a healthy relationship.

@Nietzschethehiker, such a good post. It highlights how toxic parents can continue to impact future generations. Well done on breaking the cycle.

It sounds like you have moved from an abusive/toxic relationship with your mum into one with your DH.

You need to take control of the situation and decide what you want and need. I would suggest leaving.

@ElleGettingBetter

He’s abusive.

You are not the problem here.

I really don't know how on earth people can say things like this.

There is not nearly enough information given here to make any sort of judgement either way on this persons life and I can't see how any of this could be of help to the OP.

Sometimes a poster will give what appears to be a concise summary of a situation and people can give their opinions.

This is all so vague and disjointed really nobody knows what's going on.

OP, do you have anybody in real life you can speak to you about this? I just don't think your situation is translating well into a few paragraphs containing things like "getting drunk and causing drama".

For me not to say the things that then create the drama, to read his cues and know its the wrong thing to say. I'm not capable.

That’s ridiculous- how much of yourself would you need to give away to not speak, for there never to be drama?

I don't believe he is abusive. Its just broken and I didn't see it.

I don't have anyone IRL to speak with right now but I will sort something out

The bloke sounds like an abusive tosser. Please don't do the Pick Me dance. I think he has done such a number on you that you can't see the wood for the trees. Let him go, continue your counselling and start to see things as they really are.

Well, it sounds as if to him, renewing his contact with a MIL who has been a longterm PITA , felt like a "final straw" and triggered a major breach in his personal dam of painful old wounds.

But from what you say of past history, he has stuck with you through thick and thin, so be patient and give him a few days to cool off. This could be an opportunity to talk through some of the old stuff and try to heal.

Don't invite DM for Christmas. It's a classic time for family stress rows and bustups.

"Lots of examples of how poorly I've treated him, things I've done in the past."

What have you done?

"She didn't accept him or me and our lives together."

Why not?

OP please don't take on board the madness of posters who have no clue about the nuances of your life telling you you're married to an abusive bully.

Now that's out of the way. As we all know, people can leave a relationship whenever they want to. It doesn't make them abusive. It sounds like you have a rough ride together and your estranged mother being thrown back in the mix is fuel on the fire. It's perhaps natural that you want to give your mum a chance to be in your life. But your DH does not have to like it or agree, particularly if he's been supporting you through the estrangement.

Maybe this is why he has said what he has said. It is hard to support a person through self improvement and recovery who then wants to welcome their abuser (your mum?) back into their lives.

It sounds like a very days cooling off would be very good here. For what it's worth, I don't think your husband wants to really leave you, nor you him.

@Gilda152, you are spot on. He has been supportive throughout it all and stood by me and I do understand why he is so upset. I'm so angry at myself for even raising the subject without any consideration for that.

I hope what you think is true.
I'm truly devastated and seeing myself through his eyes and from what he said it sounds like there is no faith left.

Drunkenly ranting at your for six hours about how awful you are does sound pretty abusive to me.

What did you do? What did your mum do?

Without knowing that, it's impossible to guess if your husband is a victim here, or if you're someone who's being really gaslighted by an asshole (and now mumsnet too!)

Six hours of someone ranting is not okay.

It sounds like you are between 2 warring parties and you can't win. It's never good for a partner to try and create distance between close family members. It sounds
Like you ave done a lot of work and it's still not enough. It also sounds like blackmail to me.

I wonder if your drinking was the symptom of a control dynamic from both sides?