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Original poster

Monthly Allowance from DH??

124 replies

Kitewatcher · 30/10/2021 17:08

Hi
I am in my late 20s and will be giving up my job soon as my DH has just got a new job in a new area where it might be difficult for me to get another job. This will be the the first time that I will have no income of my own coming in.
How should I handle this situation? Should I expect DH to give me a monthly allowance to spend as I wish; he is going to pay all the household bills. If so, what is reasonable to ask for?
What have others done in a similar situation?
BTW we have no children yet.
TIA

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 30/10/2021 17:10

Why did you agree to this move? What discussions have you had about your own career and future progression in your field?

Be sensible - you cannot just give up work snd rely on a man!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/10/2021 17:11

Why are you giving up your job?? Are you looking to get a new one? It's a massive mistake to scupper your career for a man's in my opinion.
Anyway to answer your question you should have equal access to whatever money is left after bills are paid.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 30/10/2021 17:11

Are you married?

TedMullins · 30/10/2021 17:13

What?! No, this is insanity. Why on earth would you agree to this? If he needs to move to a new area that you don’t have a job, you either move to somewhere in between where you are now and the new place so you can both commute to your jobs if possible, or you stay where you are in your current job, apply for jobs in the new place and move when you’ve got one. Or you become long distance, or if none of the above are doable, you split up. I’d rather be single than become a kept woman!

Fireflygal · 30/10/2021 17:14

Are you really sure this is a good move for you? Giving up work so early on can really impact your chances of getting back into work

If you don't work and don't have children, you won't have state pension provisions. I think a pension is vital then you have spending money. No one can say how much as it depends on the disposable income (after pension contributions for you both). I would say equal spending money.

Don't walk away from pensions as your 20s are the time to invest.

toomuchlaundry · 30/10/2021 17:14

Can you get a job that is not necessarily in your field? We have a joint account, so no allowance necessary

Pebbledashery · 30/10/2021 17:15

I don't think this is a good idea, unless children are involved, why would you willingly give up your caterer prospects and want to financially rely on a man?

Dery · 30/10/2021 17:16

Agree with all PP - it’s a big mistake to give up your job and sets a bad precedent ie that his job takes precedence over yours. Try and work out a different way of dealing with this.

SeasonFinale · 30/10/2021 17:16

Joint account

MangoBiscuit · 30/10/2021 17:16

First off, as others have said, I'd be damned if I was giving up my job in this scenario. I say this as someone who gave up work to make ours lives easier with exHs work and two small DCs. I am since divorced, and he's a lying shit. I digress.

Secondly, if you really want to do this, your DH will need to recognise that all money in will be household money. All bills paid, agreed savings put away, household requirements and food paid for, then anything left is split equally. It will not be HIS money if he is expecting you to give up your earning capability and move with him.

Yogawankonobi · 30/10/2021 17:17

Is he much older than you?
I wouldn’t be giving up work.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2021 17:17

Are you moving further away from your own family and friends?.

Have you started to look for a new job in this new area to which you are moving?. Is there no way you can keep your current job, is there no transfer opportunity?. Are you planning on getting another job in this new area?.

You use the term DH so I presume you are married to this man. How are your finances currently set up; do you have a joint bank account?.
I would be extremely wary about taking any sort of financial allowance from him as apart from anything else it can be demeaning to you. Also some men (not suggesting your H would do this but you do need to be aware of this possibility) can and do use money and access to it as a way of exerting power and control over their target. Financial abuse is a real problem for some women in relationships.

feelingfree17 · 30/10/2021 17:18

Late twenty’s and giving everything up for him to further his career and you become reliant on him?
Come on - have a serious word with yourself!

dailydreamin · 30/10/2021 17:20

Don't do it @Kitewatcher! How far away are you moving? Why can you not start applying for other jobs??Sounds silly to resign yourself to thinking you won't get another job!! Are you married?

Parker231 · 30/10/2021 17:20

I wouldn’t have given up my career in the first place. If you already have you don’t need an allowance, all money is joint.

MadMadMadamMim · 30/10/2021 17:20

@MangoBiscuit

First off, as others have said, I'd be damned if I was giving up my job in this scenario. I say this as someone who gave up work to make ours lives easier with exHs work and two small DCs. I am since divorced, and he's a lying shit. I digress.

Secondly, if you really want to do this, your DH will need to recognise that all money in will be household money. All bills paid, agreed savings put away, household requirements and food paid for, then anything left is split equally. It will not be HIS money if he is expecting you to give up your earning capability and move with him.

This! In absolute spades.

It maybe seems lovely to be able to give up work because your DH earns well and is going to 'keep' you.

It's not. You'd be mad to do it. But if you are going to ignore older, wiser women, then make it clear that every penny he earns goes into a joint account and 50% of it is yours.

Think of it as compensation for him having trashed your job prospects. And it's still not worth it.

HauntedVag · 30/10/2021 17:21

Why can't you get a different job?

Notaroadrunner · 30/10/2021 17:23

You ought to make sure you get a job as soon as possible if you move. Dh moved for work but I didn't follow until I had secured a job in the new town. You could hopefully get a job in a supermarket or restaurant if there's nothing available in your field of work straight away. Just don't put yourself in a financially precarious position for the sake of your Dh's career. Why should he get to progress his career and you be expected to have none?

Tallisimo · 30/10/2021 17:25

You say you ‘might not be able to get a new job’. Presumably, then, you might BE able to get a new job. Have you looked / tried? At your age I really, really wouldn’t be going down the kept woman route. At any age, actually!.

HollowTalk · 30/10/2021 17:26

Come on, OP! You are at an age when you should be sorting out your own career, not staying at home receiving pin money. What was he doing looking for jobs in a place you couldn't work? What did he think you'd do?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 17:26

As you are married, I would recommend you set up a joint account for his pay to go into and you can both draw from to pay bills, do food shop, buy essentials. You should both have equal spending money for treats...whether things are tight and it’s very little or if it’s comfortable and a lot.

I would start looking for a job in the new area now to limit time out of the workplace.

I don’t agree with posters who are creating conflict by telling you to never give up your job, refuse to move etc etc. There is a worker shortage in the U.K., it’s a jobseekers market right now and chances are you will find a job in the new area quite quickly.

There is nothing wrong with following a spouse to help their career so long as it works both ways. My DH followed me to the UK and US for my career and he found jobs each time in new country. However, I then followed him back to France for his career. It’s only bad if only one partner is the one always giving to the other.

Fadingout · 30/10/2021 17:27

I’d be quite loathed to be honest. I’d want another job lined up before the move.

Kite22 · 30/10/2021 17:27

IMO, it makes sense for a couple to have a joint account for all income plus all bills and (if there is enough in the budget) standing orders to savings etc to come out of. Then each partner would have a standing order into their own account for 'personal spending' . This would be equal for each partner.
But I am also wondering what your job is that you are both willing to just give it up, and also not be able to get another job in the new area.

Pallisers · 30/10/2021 17:27

Don't do this. Seriously do not give up your job to facilite his. There must be a compromise here where you can have a job too. Sit down with him and figure it out.

Do you really want to be unemployed in a new place, knowing no one, watching him go out to work everyday while you worry about money/your pension/your future?? Imagine you have moved and think about how your life will be - as in you get up in the morning - what happens next? Live a day in your imagination and see how you feel.

If you go ahead with it (don't!) then I would expect all money to be joint and to have complete access to all income/savings (as in savings should be in joint names) no question of an allowance ffs = you are not a child. You both own the family assets including income and you both agree how much to spend individually and in general.

Theuniverseandeverything · 30/10/2021 17:28

You’re very young to be giving up your career.