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Relationships

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Original poster

Monthly Allowance from DH??

124 replies

Kitewatcher · 30/10/2021 17:08

Hi
I am in my late 20s and will be giving up my job soon as my DH has just got a new job in a new area where it might be difficult for me to get another job. This will be the the first time that I will have no income of my own coming in.
How should I handle this situation? Should I expect DH to give me a monthly allowance to spend as I wish; he is going to pay all the household bills. If so, what is reasonable to ask for?
What have others done in a similar situation?
BTW we have no children yet.
TIA

OP posts:

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 30/10/2021 19:20

And bear in mind that with or without kids 'alimony' (or spousal maintenance) is vanishingly rare in this country as far as I can tell. I get the basic bare minimum of child maintenance from my exh and bugger all else, despite doing everything to enable him to work, including moving 2 hours away to facilitate a new job. I'm now trying to build a career from the scraps of volunteer and temp work I've done, and with two children to support and care for.

Keep your independence. Build your career. You cannot rely on his income, you just can't.

Staryflight445 · 30/10/2021 19:27

I think the fact you’re asking us this instead of your husband being clear with you and discussing this with you respectfully as a priority, it speaks volumes.
Don’t do it.

MaverickDanger · 30/10/2021 20:21

I’ve moved a few times with DH’s job, only one time that I wasn’t able to work due to visas.

I technically wasn’t even allowed to have a bank account of my own. I just used his bank account like it was my own/a joint account and DH never questioned what I spent.

I moved back for my own career after two years and DH made compromises with his career. Now we’re both in good careers, I’m earning not far off his salary despite just coming back off mat leave with DS.

It’s a weird lifestyle to a lot of people who haven’t lived it, but not everyone is able or wants to get a job 5 mins down the road from their house. We were able to save enough to buy a house outright plus savings. That was so worth me giving up my career for a couple of years.

Onatree · 30/10/2021 20:26

Hell would freeze over before I did this.

ZenNudist · 30/10/2021 20:31

Go and read some of the threads on the relationships board about what it's like to be a middle aged woman with no career prospects divorcing or being divorced by your high earning (or just "earning") partner. Do not give up a job for a man, any man.

FlowerArranger · 30/10/2021 20:47

@Kitewatcher - you are probably a bit shell-shocked, having read this chorus of "no no no don't do it !!!!" responses...

Can you tell us more about your situation and your relationship?
So the wise crones of MN can help you more constructively.

moostermum · 30/10/2021 20:50

Never ever give up your own job. Keep your life and get a new job in the area.

Aprilx · 31/10/2021 06:25

What have others done in a similar situation

When I was about 36, DH was offered a job in the USA but the visa meant I would not have working rights. Despite it being my dream to live in the USA, I always intended to do this as a working person.

There was no chance of me getting my own sponsored visa as whilst I am a professional, people in my occupation are not hard to find. I wasn’t ready to give u on my career at 36 so we had to decline the opportunity. What are you thinking of!

sjxoxo · 31/10/2021 06:48

I find this thread really interesting- I am in the total minority having done what almost everyone said they would never do- but what do you do then in the following scenario:

For example partners job is higher paying than you, and they want to move for the new opportunity? Or they have to move which was our case or career over. Do you say no and split up? If you aren’t prepared to do another job other than your career but this isn’t possible where you are moving to, or if you can’t work due to new language or visa issues? Do you shut the door on the adventure & just stay where you are? If this happens at a young age, like for the OP (say before marriage) would you let him go and forgo the potential future together.. in one sense I can totally see where the fear of losing independence comes from & the very sensible reasons for keeping your independence, but what about missing out on a new chapter/new life experiences/marriage or family with someone you love who you’ve built some real life resilience with. If I hadn’t done a move like this I wouldn’t of learnt a new language, changed career path to something really niche, seen some of the world with the person I love.

sjxoxo · 31/10/2021 06:53

Also I feel like being supportive is a big thing for me and DH. If I wanted to chase an opportunity we would also do it and if he wanted to chase an opportunity we would do it, obviously money and advantages being worth it. For the pps who think moving is madness - would you move if it was for your job? What would you do in the inverse scenario if it was for your career xo

hibye123 · 31/10/2021 06:58

Hi OP.

I don't think you should give up your career to rely on your husband! Even if you're moving to a new area and you're unable to commute to your current job, are you not able to find any other sort of job even if it's not inline with your career? I think it's good to have that independence and to earn your own money.

If you are still going to stay at home and not work, you and DH should talk about the finances thoroughly so it's clear how the set up is going to be instead of you having to come on here to ask what others have done.
Hope it works out

nc87653 · 31/10/2021 06:59

I stopped working when I was in my 20s. I didn't want to work and my now-DH (then boyfriend), made plenty money.

The question of how much of an allowance your partner gives you depends entirely on his salary. How much is he making?

I wasn't given an allowance as such, just asked for a few hundred quid here and there when I needed it. Anywhere between £500-1000 a month I guess?

BunNcheese · 31/10/2021 07:00

@nc87653 whilst you were bf and gf. What did you do with all your free days if you didn't work? I couldn't rely on someone else for money it just wouldn't feel right to me.

Knownbyanothername · 31/10/2021 07:04

I’ve been a trailing spouse on a number of occasions as a result of DHs earnings behind 2-3 times mine. Luckily I’m in a profession with big shortages so I’ve always found something.
Definitely look for work once you’ve moved. You’ll be bored otherwise and you should have your own income stream.

nc87653 · 31/10/2021 07:07

[quote BunNcheese]@nc87653 whilst you were bf and gf. What did you do with all your free days if you didn't work? I couldn't rely on someone else for money it just wouldn't feel right to me.[/quote]

We got a dog Spent my days going for long dog walks. Went to the supermarket every day to buy and prepare food for that evening. Went to museums, art galleries, the cinema...

I retrained as a fitness instructor for fun too!

And as it turned out, spent a lot of time in and out of IVF clinics as we ended up having a very hard time getting pregnant. I'm not sure I would have coped holding down a job on top of our IVF journey.

Capferret · 31/10/2021 07:21

If your dh is the one pushing the move then he should get you a debit card on his account. Presumably you’re sensible with money in which case it shouldn’t be a problem.

Longdistance · 31/10/2021 10:00

I gave up my job to move to Oz for dhs job. We stayed two years. It’s one of my biggest regrets. I loved my job and the people I worked with, I’d just had dds, the youngest was 3mo. I really had to push to get a joint account.
When we returned to the UK it went sour between us as the resentment was eating me up. We eventually went for marriage counselling and I was very close to divorcing dh.
Just writing this has made me sad. I don’t fully trust dh, which is even sadder, but it’s a hard thing to get over.

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 10:19

Is he going to pay into a pension for you as well?

When one of us had to give up work (our youngest has serious health issues and needs full time care) we had a long list of things to consider. Pensions and future job prospects being the big two (as well as sanity/boredom).

Unless he’s willing for you (joint you) to pay into pensions for you both and have equal spending money it’s going to leave a very inequitable situation.

Even in that situation you’d still be vulnerable if he changed his mind.

What would be your housing situation - would you also be potentially homeless in an instant if the house is going to be solely his?

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 10:23

Don't do it would be my advice.

Make sure you have your own income as quickly as you possibly can.

Never rely on anyone for anything, ever.

Luckily you are married and have some protection.

You husband may be lovely, kind and supportive, unfortunately that can change as you probably well know reading other posts.

Make sure you always okay at every point in time and can support yourself financially.

Original poster

Kitewatcher · 31/10/2021 10:40

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies.
It is not a career I'm giving up, it was just a job in retail. I could get another one or maybe not; I was just asking to find out how other people managed their finances. It was me that was veering towards an allowance. My DH has suggested a joint bank account.
He is NOT forcing me to move and has suggested several different options to consider so that we can be together rather than a part-time relationship.
@planderaccoredement Thank you for understanding :)
@GoodnightGrandma Not certain why you think this is a wind up
@Embroidery if your other half agrees to pay for everything why would you need £400 a month allowance.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 10:44

@Kitewatcher

We have a joint bank account. All money goes in there and all bills come out of there. General joint spending like groceries and family birthday presents come out of there.

We then have an equal spends allowance into our own accounts. Means there’s always a fairness - I tend to save mine and spend £200 on big things occasionally whereas DH spends £6 here, there and everywhere on Costa coffees and golf magazines.

It gives both privacy (I don’t want him to know I bought his birthday present in x shop already for example) and also a back up - a joint account can be frozen or emptied without warning.

category12 · 31/10/2021 10:44

An allowance is not a good idea. You're equal life partners so have a joint bank account.

What about your national insurance and pension?

Why will you find it difficult to work where you are moving?
What are your plans if you don't work?

FinallyHere · 31/10/2021 10:47

partners job is higher paying than you, and they want to move for the new opportunity?

My career is extremely important to me, at least as important as DH's is to him.

Having seen my mother trail after my father, in oversees postings, seeing how he took the important financial decisions and deferred only to her in the 'what colour car do you want, darling' side of things, I was determined to be an equal partner in my marriage.

Over the years, we have each earned more, but only ever travelled from hone. The last ten years of his working life, DH commuted between London and Los Angeles two or three weeks at a time.

Original poster

Kitewatcher · 31/10/2021 10:51

@category12 I have always wanted to do voluntary work and I love exploring the area I live in, where-ever that is. I would also be interested in retraining as my qualifications aren't in a field that I enjoy anymore; hence the retail job.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 31/10/2021 10:52

If you are so keen on giving up your job, then perhaps you will be content to be in a very traditional marriage where you look after the house and any children while he earns the income.

Each to his own. That would not work for me, especially before any children come along.

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