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Original poster

Monthly Allowance from DH??

124 replies

Kitewatcher · 30/10/2021 17:08

Hi
I am in my late 20s and will be giving up my job soon as my DH has just got a new job in a new area where it might be difficult for me to get another job. This will be the the first time that I will have no income of my own coming in.
How should I handle this situation? Should I expect DH to give me a monthly allowance to spend as I wish; he is going to pay all the household bills. If so, what is reasonable to ask for?
What have others done in a similar situation?
BTW we have no children yet.
TIA

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 31/10/2021 10:52

Then do something with your life. Do an online degree or masters in something you are passionate about. People will judge you for your choice to be a housewife for 60 years.

I am 50 and I'm doing a masters in something I'm passionate about that has only existed as a profession for 10 years.

Don't give up on life at under 30.

BunNcheese · 31/10/2021 10:55

Even if its just a job as you say OP. It's your independence and finical security here. I think it's odd considering you have no children together yet.

I don't think men are always happy to foot the bill.... even in marriages. I once over heard a surgeon at work speak about his ex wife and these were his words "she never wanted to work" and then she wanted to go after his pension! At the end of it all.

category12 · 31/10/2021 11:00

[quote Kitewatcher]@category12 I have always wanted to do voluntary work and I love exploring the area I live in, where-ever that is. I would also be interested in retraining as my qualifications aren't in a field that I enjoy anymore; hence the retail job.[/quote]
Then, assuming your marriage is going well, taking this as an opportunity to retrain in something you would enjoy and getting the voluntary work in, sounds reasonable.

But make sure the practical things are covered, like your NI contributions and that you have a pension plan, and really talk about each other's expectations.

Is he going to resent your freedom or retraining/volunteering on "his" dime? Or is he keen for you to have this chance? What will you do if you start to feel he does resent it?

Is he going to expect you to do all the housework etc? If so, do you have similar standards - and if you have a bad day and the dishes aren't done and the tea isn't on the table, is he going to be understanding?

Starlia · 31/10/2021 11:38

Hell no, not in a million years

Welshiefluff · 31/10/2021 11:40

How about looking for a job rather than asking for an allowance? Sounds like you are making excuses.

itsraininghere · 31/10/2021 11:47

Sorry OP I think you're mad. But love is blind. At least you are married.

So.... make sure all finances joint, equal access to everything, definitely no allowance.
Some form of pension contribution for you. All assets purchased in joint name.

Good luck

Okki · 31/10/2021 11:51

When we lived abroad and I couldn't work we had a joint account. However I absolutely hated that as I'd always had my own money. So I asked for an allowance instead and then I didn't feel I had to discuss if it was ok if I had my hair cut and highlighted that month. Everything else was paid for out the joint account - my car, mobile phone etc. I had the equivalent of about £130 pcm that was for non essential spends. It worked for me.

Okki · 31/10/2021 11:53

I will just add that I was (and am) fully protected financially.

Maxiedog123 · 31/10/2021 11:59

Are you going abroad where it will be difficult to work, ? Otherwise to be honest not working if you have no children seems very unusual in 2021.
If you had plans to retrain in something else this might be a good time though, but then you will be doing something for your future

Ginger1982 · 31/10/2021 12:42

This sounds weird. If it was just a job in retail, why couldn't you quite easily get another one in the new area? Is he a very high earner? Do you want to be 'kept'?

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 12:58

If it’s for ‘luxuries’ then a set budget would definitely be better than a joint bank account.
You can have a joint bank account for bills but it’s nice to have your own pot.

I’d definitely recommend looking for part time work paid or voluntary else you will be bored and isolated.

ChristmasPlanning · 31/10/2021 13:06

Have you considered the effect not working will have on your earning potential, pension etc?

Comedycook · 31/10/2021 13:07

I had the equivalent of about £130 pcm that was for non essential spends

That's appalling IMO..was he very poorly paid or on a low income?

makelovenotpetrol · 31/10/2021 13:08

No way would I do this in my 20s. No way. No matter how much you think you want to, I wouldn't be giving up my financial independence in your 20s for your DH.

I have done it, but I did it because I was on a long mat leave. For various reasons it was best for our family that I did that.

But I went back to work straight away as soon as it was no longer the best option.

Again I cannot stress enough how much it is not a good idea to give up your financial independence in your 20s.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 31/10/2021 16:13

Joint account and get another job asap. Part time if necessary and go back to study to retrain. Or full time.
Make sure he pays your NI contributions. Very important.
Don't lose your twenties by not working or studying. Voluntary work is all well and fine when you can financially support yourself.

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 16:24

I had the equivalent of about £130 pcm that was for non essential spends

That's appalling IMO..was he very poorly paid or on a low income?

What is appalling about that ?
I don't spend that much a month on non-essential spends, and we are no longer on a tight budget, so could do so if I wanted to. Why would you think that was appalling ?

ravenmum · 31/10/2021 16:27

If you're abroad and it's a language issue stopping you from working, I'd look into getting something like a TEFL qualification or training as a proofreader, or some other job you can either do in any country, or can do online.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 16:30

When I was a SAHM we had a joint account and everything was paid for out if it. Each of us had a (very small) amount of spending money for personal stuff. When I started doing bits of casual work, that went into the pot too, and we allowed each ourselves a bit more. When I went part time it pretty much all went into savings.

Comedycook · 31/10/2021 16:30

Because kite22 that seems like a tiny amount over a month...I mean fine, if he was on a lowish salary but I hope he wasn't a very high earner and giving you that

me4real · 31/10/2021 16:30

Have you given in your notice yet? PP's are mainly saying not to. It might be worth reconsidering.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/10/2021 16:32

Use the time to retrain.

What has been the discussion on your pension?

2bazookas · 31/10/2021 18:01

discuss it with him.

Talking, being open, hearing the other person and sharing decisions are all essential , especially when the balance is shifting as yours will. You'll be in a new place among strangers so even more important to set some parameters for your longterm relationship.

There is no such place as one where you can't find some kind of paid work to stay afloat/ preserve some financial independence, btw. This is an opportunity to develop new skills. It might not be your current career but what matters is that you both have a life of your own outside the home and both contribute to it (money, housework, cooking, childcare).

FWIW, we have always had a joint current account into which all earned incomes go from whatever source and which pays all regular domestic expenses and personal spending . There have never been "personal allowances". When we started making enough money to save some of it, we opened a joint savings account that was fed from the current account.We discuss other investments and for tax reasons they are in each persons own name. Our properties are owned in joint names and we have mirror Wills.

  We've been married a long time. There have been periods when our incomes were equal and  times when one or other earned/made  less or more.  Our finances have always been totally open and  totally shared.

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 18:15

Because kite22 that seems like a tiny amount over a month...I mean fine, if he was on a lowish salary but I hope he wasn't a very high earner and giving you that

Nobody is "giving me that"
dh and I both work. We are both graduates, professionals and managers towards the top end of our careers. Our salaries go into our joint account, and then we each have an equal amount we send to our personal accounts by standing order, so no, we are no longer on a tight budget, but no, I still don't spend anything like that on me personally each month.

OnyxOryx · 31/10/2021 19:18

People will judge you for your choice to be a housewife for 60 years.

It's not about other people opinions though. It's not good to let others judgemental rule your decision in life. It's about will OP be safe.

I wondered two things reading the first post. First I wondered if you had any choice in the move OP or whether he's come home one day and announced he had a new job and they were moving, which could point towards controlling tendencies. Secondly I wondered if you was giving up a career or not, because of saying you might not be able to find work in the new place and so what you're giving up makes a big difference.

But it sounds ok reading the updates. Just take all the precautions I and others have said and watch out for him changing into a dickhead just in case, but hopefully he won't. So long as you've got a definite plan of how to extricate yourself if the marriage goes wrong and you need to just leave the hopefully you'll be fine. It's the person with no plan who ends up staying in a bad situation far too long because they can't see a way out. If you know you've a way out you feel more confident to stand up for yourself and not let those first little unfairnesses slide, until you're letting him get his own way all the time. If you've got an exit plan, you're less inclined to keep quiet to keep the peace, you're more likely to speak up have the row and sort it out or realise you can't ever sort it out and need to leave.

FWIW I've moved around quite a lot. Never had a career, I've no ambition and I'm not someone who spends loads. Always sorted out a home first, then cleaned it top to bottom, then moved in and unpacked and then looked for a new job. Never had a job to go to and never out of work longer than A few months. I do keep a good savings pot of around £10k though as a safety net and if some of it gets spent, building it back up is my first priority after getting a job.

I was never bored or lonely not working. I've usually only worked for the wages, rarely for a passion, so never miss it. There's plenty else to do with your day especially when you've only just moved.

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