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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Monthly Allowance from DH??

124 replies

Kitewatcher · 30/10/2021 17:08

Hi
I am in my late 20s and will be giving up my job soon as my DH has just got a new job in a new area where it might be difficult for me to get another job. This will be the the first time that I will have no income of my own coming in.
How should I handle this situation? Should I expect DH to give me a monthly allowance to spend as I wish; he is going to pay all the household bills. If so, what is reasonable to ask for?
What have others done in a similar situation?
BTW we have no children yet.
TIA

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 30/10/2021 18:28

Utter insanity.

Wallywobbles · 30/10/2021 18:30

He's need to be paying into my pension at the maximum possible rate.

A fuck ton of spending money because unless your passion is knitting you are going be very very bored.

And there's no reason to not work remotely. And in the meantime the above.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/10/2021 18:33

You must be mad

SunshineCake1 · 30/10/2021 18:34

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Are you married?
She says Dh several times.
HarrisonStickle · 30/10/2021 18:35

@Kitewatcher

Hi I am in my late 20s and will be giving up my job soon as my DH has just got a new job in a new area where it might be difficult for me to get another job. This will be the the first time that I will have no income of my own coming in. How should I handle this situation? Should I expect DH to give me a monthly allowance to spend as I wish; he is going to pay all the household bills. If so, what is reasonable to ask for? What have others done in a similar situation? BTW we have no children yet. TIA
How should I handle this situation?

By not going through with it.

Please don't give up your job and income for a man. It's madness to willingly choose to become reliant on another person.

Soontobe60 · 30/10/2021 18:36

@Kitewatcher

Hi I am in my late 20s and will be giving up my job soon as my DH has just got a new job in a new area where it might be difficult for me to get another job. This will be the the first time that I will have no income of my own coming in. How should I handle this situation? Should I expect DH to give me a monthly allowance to spend as I wish; he is going to pay all the household bills. If so, what is reasonable to ask for? What have others done in a similar situation? BTW we have no children yet. TIA
Presumably you have no choice in giving up your job? I’d be ensuring you have equal access to all household income and not be expected to ask for any money off your dh.
sjxoxo · 30/10/2021 18:39

I moved in my early 20s for partners job. Pro sport, much better income than me.. was right at the start of my career. We had a joint account and that was fine. After a while I found my feet and a different career to the one I was originally in. We have moved maybe 8 times in 10 years for his career; it’s been an adventure which we have both enjoyed. Now been married for a few years, expecting our first baby & I’d say we are a strong team as we’ve lived so much together. I don’t think this kind of sacrifice is a no go; but it is a risk for you. I would think carefully about the pros and cons for you long term; and be as sure as you can that your partner is someone kind, generous & who won’t do the dirty on you… if my DH had been a twat this would have obviously cost me very dear. I know other women who have done the same and been left with nothing having sacrificed a lot. So I would say exercise extreme caution in your choices. Xo

sjxoxo · 30/10/2021 18:40

If money isn’t an issue you can pay pension contributions voluntarily and he can save/invest for you. That’s what we did x

DriftingBlue · 30/10/2021 18:40

If you proceed with this, I would insist that all money is held jointly and that you each get an equal allowance of fun money.

OnyxOryx · 30/10/2021 18:43

If you do this, which I wouldn't recommend.

  1. have a backup plan for how to leave him if he becomes controlling.
  2. start saving into an account in your own name, which he doesn't know about and therefore can't pressure you to spend, for point one.
  3. have a joint account for everything else. Obviously neither of you should take the piss with the money (his wages) that goes into it, like spending the whole lot on a personal hobby, or buying an expensive car such that the monthly payments take half what's in there etc. But the money needs to be considered as belonging equally to both of you, so no feelings that it's necessary to be asking his permission to spend it on ordinary stuff. Discuss larger purchases and make a joint decision that you're both happy with.
  4. Anything like that (you having to ask permission, him getting sulky or grumpy if you don't, him constantly questioning how much you spend and on what etc) is financial abuse.
  5. you need to be paying voluntary national insurance contributions, that way you will get a state pension.
  6. you also need to be paying into a personal pension, just like you would be if you worked.
  7. #5 and #6 aren't considered your personal expenses like fancy shoes or violin lessons or whatever, they're considered household expenses like gas and food. You can bet he doesn't consider his pension to be an optional "hobby"!
  8. always be doing some sort of studying and a little volunteering at something, so you can prove a work ethic and work related skills, should you find yourself suddenly in need of a job at any point. Or have some form of paid employment, even if it's only part time and not your preferred career or industry.

It's a situation that could work, if you're not a money grabbing piss taker and he's not a controlling arsehole. Unfortunately it is a lot of men's default position deep down to unreasonably consider their wages "theirs" regardless of what their partner earns.

Mouseonmychair · 30/10/2021 18:44

People can hardly complain about the gender pay gap when people treat their earning potential and career with such a low priority. If my partner expected me to become dependent on them financially and give up my career the would be told to give their head a wobble. Financial independence is great and to loose it is a real setback for independence and self controlll.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2021 18:47

@Mouseonmychair

People can hardly complain about the gender pay gap when people treat their earning potential and career with such a low priority. If my partner expected me to become dependent on them financially and give up my career the would be told to give their head a wobble. Financial independence is great and to loose it is a real setback for independence and self controlll.
Have you avoided pronouns in your post to pretend it's not sexist? 'People' are 'women' right?

You'd tell 'them' to give 'their' head a wobble?

I'm a woman, I have a great career thanks.

GremlinDolphin4 · 30/10/2021 18:47

Agree with everyone else - don’t give up your job at your age and be so dependent! I always worked but sacrificed my actual career for my now exh to further his.

Eddielzzard · 30/10/2021 18:48

This isn't a good idea. Never give up your job. EVER.

Comedycook · 30/10/2021 18:50

I'm a sahm who gets a monthly allowance but I will say you are absolutely crazy to be considering this..you're so young. You're effectively giving up your career to facilitate his. It's madness

itsallgoingpearshaped · 30/10/2021 18:54

WTF are you giving up a job when it might be difficult to get one? Why are you moving before discussing the economic reality for you? What if you split up?

StrongerOrWeaker · 30/10/2021 18:54

I agree with everyone else. Don't move until you find a job
Stay in your old job till then.
What field do you work in?

LittleFieldMouse · 30/10/2021 18:56

OMG. Don't do it. Honestly, been there, done that, very nearly screwed up my life. My husband is a high earner (circa £300k a year) and I was a SAHM for about 6 years. I had a monthly allowance for clothes etc and could spend on family credit card for whatever was needed. I had a nice car, house, able to go to the gym etc. Husband was able to travel with work without thinking about childcare arrangements etc, no probs if children were sick . All great and sounds like a no brainer until my marriage started failing and suddenly I was confronted with the realisation that I'd given up my career (not as well paid as his, but quite reasonable) for everyone else's benefit and risked being left high and dry. I was amazingly fortunate to be able to get back into my career (my lovely boss took a chance on me when many wouldn't have) and now I work full time. I picked up where I'd left off but obviously could have been 6 years further on if I'd stayed working. We still don't need the money but I realise now what a complete privilege a career and independence is. I'm still with husband (working on things) but there's NO WAY I'd give up work again. It's just too risky and if my daughter were in your shoes, I'd literally beg her not to do it.

Topseyt · 30/10/2021 18:59

You handle this situation by vetoing it. Otherwise you will put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. Do not give up your financial independence, and I speak as someone who did that. Don't. It took me years to get back on an even keel, and I do have a good DH.

If DH needs to go for his new job then he could work away in the week and come home at weekends. Don't give up your job unless you have another lined up and ready to go.

Or move to somewhere that is a commutable distance for both of you (in between your two jobs) if that is a workable solution.

Bananalanacake · 30/10/2021 19:01

Does he want you at home so you can do his washing and cook his meals. I would get very bored. I'm a Sahp as I have 2 DC to look after, if I didn't I'd rather work.

MumofSpud · 30/10/2021 19:02

I am curious to know what sort of job you have Op?

1forAll74 · 30/10/2021 19:05

I would just need some money for food etc, and not for anything fanciful that you wan't . I would be very frugal with money in this situation, until I found myself a job. Everyone's idea of a monthly set allowance will differ, depending on their spending ideas.

Comedycook · 30/10/2021 19:09

@1forAll74

I would just need some money for food etc, and not for anything fanciful that you wan't . I would be very frugal with money in this situation, until I found myself a job. Everyone's idea of a monthly set allowance will differ, depending on their spending ideas.
Why? If she does give up her job to facilitate him having the career he wants, why should she only have enough money to eat? She should have full access to all money IMO
Mouseonmychair · 30/10/2021 19:16

@MrsTerryPratchett people are people. Many men complain about the gender pay gap too wishing their partners earned more.

However it exasperated me when I see people of either sex who choose to not maximize their potential earnings either by aggressive salary negotiation or by giving up work to be reliant on somebody else. Just don't lose your hard-earned independence, don't rely on anyone for finances, dont take on the all the childcare because of society expectations (ensuring partner agrees before conception), save into you pension pot for your future.

Onelifeonly · 30/10/2021 19:16

No way would I do this. My job has always been a big part of my life, as well as providing a reasonable income. I wouldn't give it up to move unless there was a good prospect of me getting another, and would wait to move until I had a job, if possible.

I find it incredible how many women on mumsnet become SAHMs - in my experience this is extremely rare and ALL the other mums I knew when my kids were in primary had at least a part time job, though not necessarily in the area they had trained for. Same goes for all my friends. Why would you, with no kids yet, even consider this?