Desperately sad and feel like I’m slipping into a dark place now

[Justwhyss]

Feeling sorry for myself. 36 last summer and I recently left a relationship where he was reluctant for me to meet his family though he would tell them about us on the phone etc and plenty more strange things where it became obvious that we weren’t going anywhere. He’s not been in touch so clearly didn’t love me as he claimed.

I’m just so sad in a way I haven’t felt before. Like properly alone. I have friends and a job and usually if I make lots of arrangements I have my weekends full, but it’s not easy. People are busy and have other priorities. This weekend I have zero plans. It feels scary, lonely, depressing.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess for some support. I don’t want to be told to get a hobby etc, I DO have hobbies but they don’t fill every waking hour.

I have wanted to settle down all my life. I get dates, have had relationships, it’s just never worked out for one reason or another. It has started to feel bitterly unfair. I have therapy and work hard and maintain friendships. I used to be very robust with online dating but I’m fragile these days, i fast feel irritated by a sleazy comment whereas in the past I would laugh it off.

I live in a commuter area outside a big city (not London). Like those around me that I’m close to, I hoped I would move from here and be somewhere nearer countryside. I feel like a lost part these days, it’s not a community sort of place but an area that drifts into the city. It was great when I started out my career properly/had a deposit at 28 but now I just feel like a failure. I don’t feel the location is home.

I don’t see how I will meet someone now. I scroll through profiles and I’m open minded. There’s barely anyone I’m interested in chatting to even though I try and see if something develops.

It feels hopeless. I feel old. Im sad. My younger sibling has been with her partner for 14 years and they have a family. Why hasn’t this happened for me? Im desperately sad.

I also think if I met someone by 37, how would we ever settle down and have kids? We’d have to do it quickly. Not even sure we could.

I don’t want to do it alone and I desperately want a partner to share life with.

Anyone? Really struggling to even get out of bed today. No reason to :(

Sorry you're feeling so low.

Could you move where you want to be?

Things you have control over, are where you live and kind of the practical things, so maybe go live somewhere that you feel you could love?

Get a pet you have to get out of bed for?

You do still have time to meet someone and have kids, but in the meantime do what you can to make yourself happy, don't put things you could do on your own on hold until that happens.

I know it can feel really hard. Being in a relationship can be such a big part of life, yet we have no control over when and where it will happen.

Better (much better) to be in no relationship at all than in a bad one though. And you will be in a better place to meet the 'right' person if you stay true to who you are / don't lower your standards just to be in a relationship / have a full life already with friends and interests.

It sounds like you already do have a full life in those other respects, so perhaps you can't do much else other than be patient, and open to meeting new people.

I know it doesn't necessarily help, but I met my now DH when I was almost 40. You life is far from written off. yes it might feel lonely in the meantime, but please don't waste too much time thinking about what might be. It's a cliche but people often turn up when we aren't expecting them. So enjoy life and try some new advenstures in the meantime.

@category12 I don’t really know where to move to other than where I grew up which is a big ish village and around an hour to local cities (in midlands). I feel like I would be a failure moving back there too…on my own, in a place that is mostly older people. Wouldn’t I be reducing my chances of meeting someone?

But that really is the painful part, the fact that I feel I am where I am now because I am waiting for someone. My life feels empty and lonely even though it is full of activities and friends.

I don’t even know what to do today. The house is tidy. I don’t want to stay in so will probably wander the shops alone and choose dinner for one. I hate it so much I am so unhappy.

I feel like you today, OP. And I have a husband and 3 teens but I've been unhappy for a long, long time. A family is not the answer. I'm not really sure what is, but feel I'd be so much happier if I were on my own and didn't have people dependent on me, or my husband pulling me down all the time. I'd kind to have my own money and only have to answer to myself. I think I'd buy a lovely old place and do it up. Or take a break from work and go and do some volunteering somewhere really interesting.

Not test, TREAT

@layladomino

I know it can feel really hard. Being in a relationship can be such a big part of life, yet we have no control over when and where it will happen.

Better (much better) to be in no relationship at all than in a bad one though. And you will be in a better place to meet the 'right' person if you stay true to who you are / don't lower your standards just to be in a relationship / have a full life already with friends and interests.

It sounds like you already do have a full life in those other respects, so perhaps you can't do much else other than be patient, and open to meeting new people.

I know it doesn't necessarily help, but I met my now DH when I was almost 40. You life is far from written off. yes it might feel lonely in the meantime, but please don't waste too much time thinking about what might be. It's a cliche but people often turn up when we aren't expecting them. So enjoy life and try some new advenstures in the meantime.

@layladomino thanks. I feel like I am constantly searching for someone. Not in the sense that I would just meet anyone and they would do, more that it’s always on my mind. In shops, restaurants, when Christmas is mentioned, when it’s Valentine’s Day, when it’s a lonely weekend. It consumes me.

I wish a hobby or anything else could fix it but it can’t, I’ve tried absolutely everything and my heart always feels empty no matter how full and busy my life is.

It seems to happen for everyone except me. Its no exaggeration to say I’m the only person (bar one) that I know of personally my age who is alone. I feel more and more pressure too.

Life feels so empty and sad. I also can’t bear the unfamiliarity of meeting people again. I hate it so much, getting ready for the date, making small talk etc. It is just horrible. I’m so sad.

@MerryMarigold

I feel like you today, OP. And I have a husband and 3 teens but I've been unhappy for a long, long time. A family is not the answer. I'm not really sure what is, but feel I'd be so much happier if I were on my own and didn't have people dependent on me, or my husband pulling me down all the time. I'd kind to have my own money and only have to answer to myself. I think I'd buy a lovely old place and do it up. Or take a break from work and go and do some volunteering somewhere really interesting.

@MerryMarigold I wish we could swap. I’d do anything for a husband and children!!

Sorry that referred to myv second post. OP, can you go on holiday? Treat yourself a bit. This will take time to get over so it's not surprising you feel down, but long term you're much better off than being in a bad relationship which makes you feel bad for years.

@MerryMarigold

Sorry that referred to myv second post. OP, can you go on holiday? Treat yourself a bit. This will take time to get over so it's not surprising you feel down, but long term you're much better off than being in a bad relationship which makes you feel bad for years.

@MerryMarigold we weren’t together long. I just feel exhausted by relationships in general now and very defeated.

I could go on holiday yes. It’s just a plaster though. I’d much prefer to be home with a family.

Relationships rarely ask forever op. Your younger sister could split up with him a few years down the line. Most relationships we have on our life are temporary. Other people are just passing through.

However, it sounds like life is telling you it's time for a big change. How do you feel about doing something totally different? Maybe going travelling or going to live in a different part of the world for a while? Or have you ever considered looking into fostering, if you have the time, space and love to give? Something, big and bold. Perhaps something that will help others. An adventure. Then qt least, if nothing else, you'll always be able to look back and think 'wasn't that fun and worthwhile' rather than 'boring and lonely'.

I know the frustration of changing a thousand little things in the hope that your world will change and instead, everything just seems to come back full circle and leave you in the same place you were. So why not try something big and see if that makes a difference. And if it doesn't, well, at least it'll be a cool story to tell.

But living in commuter hell isn't making you happy, so it might be worth giving somewhere new a go?

Rent out your house maybe and try somewhere more vibrant for a year or two? Or find somewhere near the coast or the countryside that has a community feel and you could imagine yourself living?

You can to a degree control whether you have a child or not. Solo parenting via a sperm donor?

You said: "I also think if I met someone by 37, how would we ever settle down and have kids? We’d have to do it quickly. Not even sure we could." This is very true and I was in this position. I did meet someone but we were at different life stages so it didn't work out. I'd started my solo parenting/insemination process aged 38 and was finally successful, 33 weeks now pregnant aged 39. I was not prepared to wait any longer - and I have blessed to have been successful on my first go on IVF (initial fertility check up revealed a blocked fallopian tube) success rate at 39 is less than 30%.

You never know who you will meet/when and how the relationship will develop or not. You can technically meet a partner at any moment and anywhere. Fertility is finite/unpredictable and until you start trying you never know (despite success stories on here equally there are many of women who have struggled in their 30s).

I work off the basis of what can I control (to a degree)? Re-assess whether child and partner are intrinsically linked for you.

*@Justwhyss

Also, I don't want to discount romantic relationships, they can be wonderful! But the pressure of finding one can be immense in your mid/late 30s in particular, I really do recall that dread (for me it was the possibility of never having a child/trying for one). When I reframed the paradigm of romantic relationships and having a child it became easier. I only had one thing to focus on the fertility treatment.

Op, you are totally understandable in wanting a romantic relationship (care, affection etc) and no it won't come from hobbies/travelling the world.

Sorry you feel so alone OP. Maybe you would benefit from a complete change in lifestyle, job, location. Just a complete overhaul, maybe a year out travelling? Admittedly not easy with Covid at present, but hopefully that will change. Maybe lots of other people seem settled around you, but it can often look like everyone else is living their best life, when in reality they too have their own sadness, struggles, stress about partners, kids, money. You only need to read some of the threads on here to see that being married with kids is not always great. The most important thing is to not settle for just anybody because you’re lonely. Hoping you find happiness OP.

I don't recommended settling for any man that will want you and seems nice and kind
Lots of people are nice! And I'm sure you wouldn't want that either!!

And I also remember the unfamiliarity of going on dates, it became rinse and repeat cycle of hope/despair/disappointment. It really did me no good mental health wise. I'd like to one day see dating as 'fun' it wasn't at the time at all.

@Pinkbonbon

Relationships rarely ask forever op. Your younger sister could split up with him a few years down the line. Most relationships we have on our life are temporary. Other people are just passing through.

However, it sounds like life is telling you it's time for a big change. How do you feel about doing something totally different? Maybe going travelling or going to live in a different part of the world for a while? Or have you ever considered looking into fostering, if you have the time, space and love to give? Something, big and bold. Perhaps something that will help others. An adventure. Then qt least, if nothing else, you'll always be able to look back and think 'wasn't that fun and worthwhile' rather than 'boring and lonely'.

I know the frustration of changing a thousand little things in the hope that your world will change and instead, everything just seems to come back full circle and leave you in the same place you were. So why not try something big and see if that makes a difference. And if it doesn't, well, at least it'll be a cool story to tell.

I agree to an extent that most (romantic/friendships) don't last forever - bit for the overwhelming majority of people do have a life long connection to their family (parents/siblings) children?

Op would like her own family - fostering doesn't address the need for your own child. It's also I'd imagine a difficult process (children that are in the care system/abused/neglected/have high levels of need).

I agree with the poster above who said go and travel, volunteer, do something radical. If you pin all your hopes on meeting a man as the solution to everything, it will never happen. Make your life great for yourself first. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need a radical shakeup.

It’s hard isn’t it, but you can be in a relationship and still feel alone. This is just a small part of your life, it won’t always be this way, you just meet someone when you least expect it, it always happens that way, in the meantime, remember it’s a stage of life and try to enjoy it until the next stage comes

I would absolutely move. Move to somewhere which will give you the life you want to live today. Not future you with a husband and children but now you. Find somewhere that feels like home and where you fit in the community and can put down roots.
It wasn’t until I did this that I met men who I genuinely clicked with. And one is now my dh.

I so sorry that you are feeling so low.

@PickupaPenguin8

I agree with the poster above who said go and travel, volunteer, do something radical. If you pin all your hopes on meeting a man as the solution to everything, it will never happen. Make your life great for yourself first. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need a radical shakeup.

I wouldn't say Op is pinning her hopes on meeting a man as the solution. She has and feels she's done all that : traveling/career/hobbies and is simply ready for another chapter in her life.

For those of you who suggest more travelling/hobbies etc. are you single yourselves and mid 30s? It's very easy to suggest these things (from the comfort of having met your partners/had families) ...singletons fall in to two camps in my experience: those who don't want to be and are miserable and those that haven't chosen it but have over time adjusted to it.

There is a real pressure from a biological perspective though which can't be denied. This puts a huge amount of pressure on women who are ready for a family but haven't met a partner and won't consider adoption/solo parenting. For some women it doesn't work out so they end up childless (some very regretful) and others again over time adjust to that status. Some people will never find a suitable partner in time to fulfil all these expectations regardless of what they try sadly.

What does your therapist suggest @Justwhyss ?

I get what you're saying.

It's worse if you look at what everyone else around you appears to have (or at least appears to have - we never fully know if other people are happy in their relationships). And people who have what you want might be unhappy in other ways (health, money worries, family troubles etc). There aren't many people in life who have everything they want.

I know there isn't anything we can say that will make you suddenly feel loads better. I really wish there was. I can only beg you to get up and go and do something positive, or make a plan to do something you've always dreamed of. I think you're more likely to meet someone when you just relaced and being 'you'.