Desperately sad and feel like I’m slipping into a dark place now

[Justwhyss]

Feeling sorry for myself. 36 last summer and I recently left a relationship where he was reluctant for me to meet his family though he would tell them about us on the phone etc and plenty more strange things where it became obvious that we weren’t going anywhere. He’s not been in touch so clearly didn’t love me as he claimed.

I’m just so sad in a way I haven’t felt before. Like properly alone. I have friends and a job and usually if I make lots of arrangements I have my weekends full, but it’s not easy. People are busy and have other priorities. This weekend I have zero plans. It feels scary, lonely, depressing.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess for some support. I don’t want to be told to get a hobby etc, I DO have hobbies but they don’t fill every waking hour.

I have wanted to settle down all my life. I get dates, have had relationships, it’s just never worked out for one reason or another. It has started to feel bitterly unfair. I have therapy and work hard and maintain friendships. I used to be very robust with online dating but I’m fragile these days, i fast feel irritated by a sleazy comment whereas in the past I would laugh it off.

I live in a commuter area outside a big city (not London). Like those around me that I’m close to, I hoped I would move from here and be somewhere nearer countryside. I feel like a lost part these days, it’s not a community sort of place but an area that drifts into the city. It was great when I started out my career properly/had a deposit at 28 but now I just feel like a failure. I don’t feel the location is home.

I don’t see how I will meet someone now. I scroll through profiles and I’m open minded. There’s barely anyone I’m interested in chatting to even though I try and see if something develops.

It feels hopeless. I feel old. Im sad. My younger sibling has been with her partner for 14 years and they have a family. Why hasn’t this happened for me? Im desperately sad.

@Justwhyss Hmmm, I think it is hard if your natural instinct when relating to men, is to think evasive or someone you have to work at = higher value man. Some pp mention reading up on Attachment styles, and I do know some friends who found it rather eye opening. But I guess understanding your attachment, is different to changing it.

Maybe something to explore in therapy, because boundaries are good once you're in a relationship, but don't help with who you are attracted to in the first place. When I was on the apps, a man being evasive or closed off or blowing hot/cold was an immediate turn off. Because to me, anxiety affects my life/job/hobbies/social life, so anyone bringing that to my door can jog on. So maybe see it that way, that if someone isn't making you feel relaxed and comfortable to the point the relationship fades into the background, get annoyed and pissed off. Just like you would at work if someone was making your job harder. Except at least at work you're getting paid, in a relationship you're not getting paid for dealing with other people's issues.

Oops wrong thread, i do apologise.

[quote zonky]@Eesha

Most of the married couples/couples I know really don't have any hobbies (interests may be)? They watch TV/go on holidays/cook together/go shopping/moooch about town. Also no particular activities before they got together either. Having hobbies doesn't necessarily make you any more of a prospect than someone who goes trains for marathons. It's just another way for society to bash you with the punishment stick for not having achieved coupledom.[/quote]
So you meet a potential new date and what do you talk about? What’s on TV?

If there’s one thing I’m ok with it’s making conversation so I don’t think that’s the issue. I clearly am attracted to the wrong men

Is this 'nice guy' you are chatting to someone you could see as getting to know as a friend and that could grow to something more? It sounds like your previous relationships have all been similar in that you have been keen and they have been mysterious, and it's not worked out. Try something different. As long as you like this person, and you don't feel repulsed by him, give him a go. Who knows, he may have some good mysterious traits he's just not let you know about yet

I do get the huge feeling of sadness you give off in your posts. Sadly, when people are this low you just can't see a way forward. Everything is impossible and nothing will work.

My first thought when I read your posts is if you aren't happy where you are living, look around and see if there is anywhere else you might enjoy more? I love a good nosey on rightmove and imagine living in some of the houses and what the areas have to offer. Maybe have a go at that and see if something fires a spark inside you.

You mentioned about your family thinking you are a failure. Have they actually said that to you, or are you projecting? Do you think they think success is having a family? If they haven't actually said this to you but you still feel this is what they think, can you talk to them about it and see just what it is they think of your life?
You say your sister appears happy, but is she? So many people put on a happy face when with others, maybe there are things she wishes she could do? Maybe she is a bit envious of your free time sometimes?

I do wish you all the best with what you do and I hope you start to find something that makes you happy

@Justwhyss I think as long as you are recognising this pattern, then you can make these changes. My best friend always has car crash relationships mainly because she loves the bad boy types. She's slowly realising it but not really making changes and it's always a mess.

Hi OP,
I hope you're feeling ok. Having read the thread two positive things stand out- most importantly your awareness of the pattern of your relationships with mysterious/unavailable men (and some good comments on this, particularly how these men are emotional vampires that resonates). But also that you have got the resources to buy a second home near your family, if you want to. You have options and choices for the future, and if you have the flexibility to work from home you would be able to experiment with how you divide your time between homes and see what works best for you. If you end up preferring one, you could always rent out the other one. Do you ever open up about dating with friends/family? From what you've written, it sounds like it's worth giving the professional chap sorry can't remember how you describe him a chance. Try to stay in the moment and not be worrying about if he's your type/if you have a future etc, and just see if you have a nice time over dinner. It's easy to get stuck time travelling analysing past mistakes or worrying about the future and that can stop you living in the present. For empty weekends, what do you like doing? Do you feel uncomfortable doing nice things by yourself and if so do you think you could get used to it? I like doing things like going to museums by myself or to the cinema. I used to feel self conscious being by myself but have grown out of that.

@PicupaPenguin08

"So you meet a potential new date and what do you talk about? What’s on TV?"

I don't know what they talked about. The point I'm trying to make is that most people are unremarkable. Do ordinary things yet watch TV/Netflix/go to the cinema.

@Justwhyss

If there’s one thing I’m ok with it’s making conversation so I don’t think that’s the issue. I clearly am attracted to the wrong men

Stop blaming yourself.

You do have options to either move closer to family which would alleviate some of your feeling alone. Buy a second property there. Test your fertility.

People do not want to admit/can't accept that dating/relationship 'escalation' is outside of our control (we can't predict how/what the other person will behave like). Only retrospectively can we say we made the 'right' choice. Otherwise you wouldn't have the sheer numbers of failed relationships around us if 'knowing' in advance was the case.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down @Justwhyss and it's easy for everything to feel hopeless when our mind gets into that groove. What's really important to you? If it's having a child, then focus on that. I have a good friend who is in a similar position but older; she discounted solo parenting but has now changed her mind and her fertility is not on her side sadly :(

As for coupledom - as a divorced person I've been doing a lot of reading on this subject recently and it's too easy to feel less than as a single person because our society places such a high value on being in a couple. I recommend checking out the just published book "Single Revolution". It's a bit ranty but a lot of the points she makes are very valid ones. Why is it seen as a higher plane just because you find someone and stop shagging other people?!

What do you want from a partnership? Is it to feel loved, needed, validated? Being attracted to emotionally unavailable people is often a sign of being emotionally unavailable yourself. It's an annoying oft quoted thing but it really does help to love yourself before looking for that from others. Do you love and accept yourself? If you're not looking at this in therapy then I'd perhaps suggest finding a different therapist. These are the things within your control - how you relate to yourself, and trying for a baby alone. Life is bloody tough but sadness is a helpful message that something is amiss

My therapist is dealing with me going for the wrong men by having me address my boundaries. But I don’t know how to actively choose nice men.

@Justwhyss I feel your therapist should be helping you look at why you choose the wrong men.

I wonder, from what you said about your parents, whether you feel you are good enough? That in trying to get your parents aaproval and feeling like you are failing, you are targeting men who don't validate you in some way, because that's where you are at?

Maybe by accepting you are wonderful, just the way you are, is the way forward.

I remember my therapist telling me we ALL have flaws, because that is what makes us human. That that is real life, not the fairytale of perfection that some try and achieve.

Argh - bold fail!

My therapist is dealing with me going for the wrong men by having me address my boundaries. But I don’t know how to actively choose nice men.

This belong to @Justwhyss

If he was evasive some days or a bit mysterious I would be trying to prove myself to him. That’s embarrassing to admit

Don't be embarrassed! Loads of people 👋🏻 are like this. It's either an Avoidant attachment style, or commitment phobia.

Read He's Scared, She's Scared. It's old, but excellent. Basically, if you're a CP, you have two choices: you either run away from people (this is called being an active commitmentphobe), or you only date people who will run away from you (that's called being a passive commitmentphobe).

If you only fancy elusive, mysterious, head-fucking men, you're probably scared of commitment. Other signs are that you don't commit well to anything (freelance rather than employee; reluctant to make big decisions; find it hard to finish relationships [ending something is making a commitment); you probably fall in love very quickly.. It's all in the book.

@Misty9

I'm sorry you're feeling so down *@Justwhyss* and it's easy for everything to feel hopeless when our mind gets into that groove. What's really important to you? If it's having a child, then focus on that. I have a good friend who is in a similar position but older; she discounted solo parenting but has now changed her mind and her fertility is not on her side sadly :(

As for coupledom - as a divorced person I've been doing a lot of reading on this subject recently and it's too easy to feel less than as a single person because our society places such a high value on being in a couple. I recommend checking out the just published book "Single Revolution". It's a bit ranty but a lot of the points she makes are very valid ones. Why is it seen as a higher plane just because you find someone and stop shagging other people?!

What do you want from a partnership? Is it to feel loved, needed, validated? Being attracted to emotionally unavailable people is often a sign of being emotionally unavailable yourself. It's an annoying oft quoted thing but it really does help to love yourself before looking for that from others. Do you love and accept yourself? If you're not looking at this in therapy then I'd perhaps suggest finding a different therapist. These are the things within your control - how you relate to yourself, and trying for a baby alone. Life is bloody tough but sadness is a helpful message that something is amiss

@Misty9 if I was attracted to an unavailable partner because I am unavailable myself, how does that fit in with how much I wanted the last relationship to work? I’d definitely have progressed it and married etc. I’m just wondering what you think might be going on there as it definitely didn’t feel to me like I was avoiding commitment yet the last man was very much not pursuing much commitment with me and was evasive from the start.

I agree 100% with what todaysdilemma said.

Your issue is you and choosing someone who is glaringly not right over someone who might be perfect if you gave them a chance.

If someone is 'a puzzle' to you reframe is as someone who is 'difficult' and would lead to a difficult life. Never 100% sure of them, always guessing. Exhausting.

My lovely DSis always wants to 'fix' people and has always chosen men who have had 'difficult' lives. She had some real corkers and now has a lot of debt that she has been left with. Wouldn't consider the lovely vet in her village who walked her dog for her because he was too 'nice'.

I was pretty much single until 30, with a habit of wanting men who really weren't interested in settling down. All my friends were settling down with really nice men when it struck me. They chose 'nice, friendly' men not the career focused, selfish ones I was focused on.

So I decided to try something different. I met my now DH at 30 (in the old fashioned way, he was a friend of a friend who came to the same bar) and he is a lovely man, straightforward and honest. He rang when he said he would, wanted days out with me, to do interesting things, wanted to make me happy. No second guessing or wondering. It was so refreshing. Everything happened quite quickly and we were married with DS by the time I was 34.

Still love him to bits nearly 25 years later.

I'd say try to get over your internal barriers and give the nice man a proper chance. Have a few dates and see what develops.

He may not be the one, but the next nice guy might be.

if I was attracted to an unavailable partner because I am unavailable myself, how does that fit in with how much I wanted the last relationship to work? I’d definitely have progressed it and married etc. I’m just wondering what you think might be going on there as it definitely didn’t feel to me like I was avoiding commitment yet the last man was very much not pursuing much commitment with me and was evasive from the start.

"Evasive from the start" is the clue here. Right from the beginning you felt safe (subconsciously) that it'd never end in commitment so that allowed you to fall into the passive CP role. Which meant you could pursue commitment with that person, safe in the knowledge that it would not happen.

If he'd turned round and proposed, you would've been elated initially, then panicky and scared, and you'd have created a reason to finish things.

Apparently, people with low self esteem choose unavailable partners. Given a choice of a nice, open, honest partner or an avoidant, aloof partner, they'll choose aloof. Why? Because that relationship has its ending built in. With the nice, open people, you'd feel like they would get up know the REAL you (as you see it: broken, unlovable) and finish with you because of that, and it would be unbearable. So you choose the ones who can't love rather than risk rejection.

Watch this - he says it so much better than I can:

vm.tiktok.com/ZM8uQpDKQ/

@Justwhyss others have answered your question too, but (and understand I am being a hypocrite here!) I would ask - why were you prepared to settle down with a man who wouldn't commit to you and was "evasive from the start"? Do you not think you deserve someone who loves you for you? Wholeheartedly? Being emotionally unavailable can be a protective mechanism, it can be about control, it can be about going for what feels familiar and safe (but no longer helpful).

I'm still figuring it all out and having therapy myself. But some books I've found helpful are "adult children of emotionally immature parents", "women who love too much", and I've just started reading "conversations in love" by natasha lunn, which is a beautiful book so far and I can really relate to the author. One of the questions it asks is what are you looking for outside that you cannot find within?

I'd also check out this thread for further advice www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4389601-I-am-stable-but-choose-unstable-men-why
I've posted on both and am getting them mixed up they're so similar in content!

How are you doing @Justwhyss?