Desperately sad and feel like I’m slipping into a dark place now

[Justwhyss]

Feeling sorry for myself. 36 last summer and I recently left a relationship where he was reluctant for me to meet his family though he would tell them about us on the phone etc and plenty more strange things where it became obvious that we weren’t going anywhere. He’s not been in touch so clearly didn’t love me as he claimed.

I’m just so sad in a way I haven’t felt before. Like properly alone. I have friends and a job and usually if I make lots of arrangements I have my weekends full, but it’s not easy. People are busy and have other priorities. This weekend I have zero plans. It feels scary, lonely, depressing.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess for some support. I don’t want to be told to get a hobby etc, I DO have hobbies but they don’t fill every waking hour.

I have wanted to settle down all my life. I get dates, have had relationships, it’s just never worked out for one reason or another. It has started to feel bitterly unfair. I have therapy and work hard and maintain friendships. I used to be very robust with online dating but I’m fragile these days, i fast feel irritated by a sleazy comment whereas in the past I would laugh it off.

I live in a commuter area outside a big city (not London). Like those around me that I’m close to, I hoped I would move from here and be somewhere nearer countryside. I feel like a lost part these days, it’s not a community sort of place but an area that drifts into the city. It was great when I started out my career properly/had a deposit at 28 but now I just feel like a failure. I don’t feel the location is home.

I don’t see how I will meet someone now. I scroll through profiles and I’m open minded. There’s barely anyone I’m interested in chatting to even though I try and see if something develops.

It feels hopeless. I feel old. Im sad. My younger sibling has been with her partner for 14 years and they have a family. Why hasn’t this happened for me? Im desperately sad.

One thing I have noticed is I am not great with overly accommodating men. A professional man has been messaging me and he’s not the MOST attractive to be fair, but I’m not hugely attracted to looks anyway until I know someone…but even messsging him, he’s very straightforward, has been complimentary but not in an overbearing way, clearly excited to meet me and not at all assuming we will meet again after first meeting (even made a joke to that effect) …and I’m far less interested in him than I was in my ex who, frankly, was a puzzle from day one with measured texts, limited availability etc which eventually turned into a clear lack of commitment.

Well that's a good spot OP. Hopefully you can turn this recognition into something useful for future relationships. Give it go! Slow build is often the best.

@beingsunny

Oh OP I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I know you said you have a full life, and are sick of the online dating thing, but can you move? The change in pace and being new to an area allows you to meet new people.

I'm 41 and just ended my relationship of six years because it was so lonely living with him.

I can't imaging dating anyone else, I still love him but was so unhappy.

I'm looking and hoping to fill my life with new people, I've not yet figured out how to do this but assume expanding my social circle and saying yes to things I wouldn't usually will allow new people into my life.

@beingsunny I could move but the thought of it alone is quite daunting. It’s like I’ve given up really. I guess I would want to move to somewhere more rural but maybe that’s a guarantee I’d be alone

@TopCatsTopHat

My heart goes out to you op. Everything you are feeling makes perfect sense to me. I met my dh completely by chance and think it is such sliding doors what you get in life as a partner. Some get lucky, some get what they want and end up unhappy cos the fit is wrong or things change, you get the idea.

I did come on to say if you are trying usual old options have you considered going to a proper matchmaking service instead? They exist I know (though can't recommend one personally) and it might be a better option than apps which have a mix of serious and chancers.

Then I saw your recent update saying you are drawn to people who keep you guessing and it reminded me of a radio programme I was listening to on Tuesday where they are doing a series on women who have broken a dating pattern, it was really good.
The episode your comment reminded me of was this one :
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0010x26

I think the straight forward guy who is showing an interest sounds lovely but I'm massively turned off by people who play mind games and live people who are just clear about what they want (he seems to want to get to know you from what you said) so I'm thinking you're crackers to be repelled by that 😬. But anyway, we're all complicated bundles of all sorts of influences so you'll know best if this is affecting your ability to find a committed relatiinship or not. Listen to the programme though cos I think it will resonate wirth you and it has a positive outcome.

@TopCatsTopHat thanks I will listen to that. Your post has really helped

@makelovenotpetrol thanks for your posts. I feel so down today. Really rock bottom. I have no excitement or happiness just sadness that the latest thing didn’t work when I actually really thought it would. I’m so disappointed and sad and the weekends are such a struggle.

I totally get how you feel. I can feel it from your posts. I think you need to take ownership for your happiness. Living somewhere you don’t really like in limbo isn’t really the recipe for happiness. If I was you with no ties I would probably think about where I really wanted to live and move, look into parenting through sperm donation if that is important to me, go backpacking and do volunteering as I go. I think you need to take charge of your own life as it sounds like you feel like it is just slipping away.

DFOD:
"There are no guarantees that you:

Will meet someone
Will meet someone in time
Will be fertile if you do meet someone

It’s up to you how you approach your finite window of fertility (if you even are fertile - you could spend a few £££ on tests so that you know now if you are fertile or not - that would change your dating approach - you could freeze your eggs now for use later in anticipation of meeting the right person in case your fertility had declined by then).

"God there are some horrible people on this thread"

@makelovenotpetrol

What is horrible about being realistic?

Too many people are given pleasantries, though well-meaning are ultimately useless. Other people's random luck/happiness really isn't going to help the Op - it doesn't guarantee that any of it will happen for her.

Exploring fertility via fertility checks is a sensible and practical idea - being in denial, hoping, waiting that 'universe will deliver' is nothing more than being in denial. It's all about how much control you want to exert in this area of life and abdicate responsibility.

@wanderlove

I totally get how you feel. I can feel it from your posts. I think you need to take ownership for your happiness. Living somewhere you don’t really like in limbo isn’t really the recipe for happiness. If I was you with no ties I would probably think about where I really wanted to live and move, look into parenting through sperm donation if that is important to me, go backpacking and do volunteering as I go. I think you need to take charge of your own life as it sounds like you feel like it is just slipping away.

@wanderlove where do I begin with that though? I don’t belong anywhere. I just moved here for work and even that is futile now as I’m sent all over the place/work from home 3 days a week.

I have no ties, nowhere that feel like home. Nowhere that I feel I should be. I have nothing. I don’t know where to begin? I just wish I wasn’t here. I hate my life so much. It would be easier if it was all over. I’m never going to have a happy family, over the years I’ve tried. I’ve had therapy and im having therapy. Life doesn’t just change though. I don’t belong anywhere and that’s the worst thing.

@makelovenotpetrol why do you think I am a horrible person?

[quote DFOD]@makelovenotpetrol why do you think I am a horrible person?[/quote]
Because when someone is feeling as down as OP is why kick them further with what was a seriously patronising post?

Yes, OP may not have realised the exact stats about fertility but there's ways and means and a lot of people have just been needlessly blunt to someone who is struggling.

@makelovenotpetrol - where was I kicking and what was patronising?

When were you happiest in your life ? What were the factors that made it happy? You need to think about what makes your heart sing. Don’t be held back by ‘what ifs’ . Take chances, put yourself out there. Move somewhere else and if it doesn’t work out it’s better than being miserable where you are. Nothing ventured nothing gained. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.
Relationships are not a guarantee of happiness. Even when you’re in a good one, there are so many compromises. Look at the positives in your situation instead of the negatives. You have choices and freedom.

You also need to think about what you offer to another person. Are you interesting to talk to? Do you have stories to tell, passions, enthusiasm to communicate? If you want to attract an interesting partner you have to have those qualities yourself, so it’s worth working on that.

Op, I'm sorry you are feeling low. It's tough out there, I'm single post an abusive relationship with children and haven't met anyone decent in several years. I'm mid 40s. You are still reasonably young and in fact I'm attending two weddings this month, one couple via a Bumble meet and the other through Tinder. With them, they really threw themselves into dating hardcore for several years and were much older than you.

Personally I think you should consider the egg freezing route out of practicality and also go hardcore into dating. I have other friends who gave up years ago and never met a soul, now are sad that life has passed them by. Its a struggle and genuinely you may not meet anyone but then again you may do.

I met someone, got married and had our first baby within 2.5 years - and that was including a year long engagement.

You easily have 6 years to have a baby. And likely more than that.

Agree with pp by the way, what have you got to offer? My permanently single friends who don't online date still want a Prince charming, so handsome, tall, rich etc to sweep them off their feet. Yet they are stubborn, may live at home and very particular about other stuff like alcohol or meat etc or have no hobbies.

@PickupaPenguin8

When were you happiest in your life ? What were the factors that made it happy? You need to think about what makes your heart sing. Don’t be held back by ‘what ifs’ . Take chances, put yourself out there. Move somewhere else and if it doesn’t work out it’s better than being miserable where you are. Nothing ventured nothing gained. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. Relationships are not a guarantee of happiness. Even when you’re in a good one, there are so many compromises. Look at the positives in your situation instead of the negatives. You have choices and freedom.

You also need to think about what you offer to another person. Are you interesting to talk to? Do you have stories to tell, passions, enthusiasm to communicate? If you want to attract an interesting partner you have to have those qualities yourself, so it’s worth working on that.

@PicupaPenguin08

I really doubt that all of the relationships I see around me is because people within them are so 'interesting and have stories' hmm]. Most people aren't that exciting and don't lead lives that have diverting stories. It's all very ordinary. Plenty of people 'settle' /choose whoever is available in their proximity because they are nice and kind enough/can't be bothered for more relationships. Sometimes they don't fully settle but compromise in order to obtain social and financial security. Yes and some get together because they fancy each other. Diminishing a real and true fact that there is a degree of compromise is just living in denial.

Why are bingoes aimed at singles always about making it be that person's fault (like they are defective in some way hence why they're in the situation they are in)?

Meeting someone is timing/luck.

@Eesha

Agree with pp by the way, what have you got to offer? My permanently single friends who don't online date still want a Prince charming, so handsome, tall, rich etc to sweep them off their feet. Yet they are stubborn, may live at home and very particular about other stuff like alcohol or meat etc or have no hobbies.

Yes exactly. I know someone who is desperate to find a partner. However she has given up work and has no hobbies or interests. She still expects the man to meet all kinds of criteria though. I’m not saying it’s the OPs fault, but it works both ways. If you yourself are interesting, positive and enthusiastic, you are more likely to attract a partner who has those qualities.

[quote DFOD]@makelovenotpetrol - where was I kicking and what was patronising?[/quote]
I can't be arsed to argue with you. If you can't see it you can't see it but it wasn't very kind.

@Eesha

Most of the married couples/couples I know really don't have any hobbies (interests may be)? They watch TV/go on holidays/cook together/go shopping/moooch about town. Also no particular activities before they got together either. Having hobbies doesn't necessarily make you any more of a prospect than someone who goes trains for marathons. It's just another way for society to bash you with the punishment stick for not having achieved coupledom.

I have no ties, nowhere that feel like home. Nowhere that I feel I should be. I have nothing. I don’t know where to begin? I just wish I wasn’t here. I hate my life so much. It would be easier if it was all over. I’m never going to have a happy family, over the years I’ve tried. I’ve had therapy and im having therapy. Life doesn’t just change though. I don’t belong anywhere and that’s the worst thing.

Maybe you should try some medication for a while to get you through this tough spot, as you sound really really down. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please speak to the Samaritans.

What about the possibility of getting a second place back home, like you mentioned before? You do have ties, you have family there.

And again, as you keep finding yourself more attracted to less available and difficult guys, that is something you can address and work on.

One thing I have noticed is I am not great with overly accommodating men. A professional man has been messaging me and he’s not the MOST attractive to be fair, but I’m not hugely attracted to looks anyway until I know someone…but even messsging him, he’s very straightforward, has been complimentary but not in an overbearing way, clearly excited to meet me and not at all assuming we will meet again after first meeting (even made a joke to that effect) …and I’m far less interested in him than I was in my ex who, frankly, was a puzzle from day one with measured texts, limited availability etc which eventually turned into a clear lack of commitment.

This really is the crux of the issue. And no amount of travel, hobbies etc will really make a difference until you resolve the issue of only wanting men who don't want you....Am surprised this has not been flagged up in therapy as the stumbling block to your loneliness/wanting a relationship?

I have a few friends who have been long term single well into their late 30s - and the one thing they all have in common is spending a lot of time and energy on emotionally unavailable men. And these men leave them completely broken because commitment phobes are also energy vampires. They also take rejection very personally (I mean we all do to an extent) but their entire self worth seems to be wrapped up in it, meaning they can't just shake it off and move on. I think it takes some awareness of what sort of man would be good for you, and learning to be attracted to men who want the same things you do. Being attracted to kindness, reliability, honesty etc rather than only physical features or accomplishments definitely helps.

Sometimes it also involves giving up the dream of what sort of man you thought you'd end up with, and being more realistic about what sort of man you're most compatible with. Not what man you want to be compatible with, but the man you are compatible with.

I think the therapy to unpick it is the only way forward. Because there are millions of men out there - your challenge is knowing who to go after. And you should invest a lot more time and effort into breaking this pattern consciously, because otherwise you're doomed to keep making the same mistakes forevermore.

@category12

I have no ties, nowhere that feel like home. Nowhere that I feel I should be. I have nothing. I don’t know where to begin? I just wish I wasn’t here. I hate my life so much. It would be easier if it was all over. I’m never going to have a happy family, over the years I’ve tried. I’ve had therapy and im having therapy. Life doesn’t just change though. I don’t belong anywhere and that’s the worst thing.

Maybe you should try some medication for a while to get you through this tough spot, as you sound really really down. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please speak to the Samaritans.

What about the possibility of getting a second place back home, like you mentioned before? You do have ties, you have family there.

And again, as you keep finding yourself more attracted to less available and difficult guys, that is something you can address and work on.

@category12 I could do the second home thing if something came up. Is that a half way house though? Pardon the pun…

I don’t know if that’s taking the easy way out really. I like the idea of being able to go there though some weeks and I guess investment wise it wouldn’t be the worst thing.

@category12 I just didn’t think I would be doing these things alone, I want to share it with someone

@todaysdilemma

One thing I have noticed is I am not great with overly accommodating men. A professional man has been messaging me and he’s not the MOST attractive to be fair, but I’m not hugely attracted to looks anyway until I know someone…but even messsging him, he’s very straightforward, has been complimentary but not in an overbearing way, clearly excited to meet me and not at all assuming we will meet again after first meeting (even made a joke to that effect) …and I’m far less interested in him than I was in my ex who, frankly, was a puzzle from day one with measured texts, limited availability etc which eventually turned into a clear lack of commitment.

This really is the crux of the issue. And no amount of travel, hobbies etc will really make a difference until you resolve the issue of only wanting men who don't want you....Am surprised this has not been flagged up in therapy as the stumbling block to your loneliness/wanting a relationship?

I have a few friends who have been long term single well into their late 30s - and the one thing they all have in common is spending a lot of time and energy on emotionally unavailable men. And these men leave them completely broken because commitment phobes are also energy vampires. They also take rejection very personally (I mean we all do to an extent) but their entire self worth seems to be wrapped up in it, meaning they can't just shake it off and move on. I think it takes some awareness of what sort of man would be good for you, and learning to be attracted to men who want the same things you do. Being attracted to kindness, reliability, honesty etc rather than only physical features or accomplishments definitely helps.

Sometimes it also involves giving up the dream of what sort of man you thought you'd end up with, and being more realistic about what sort of man you're most compatible with. Not what man you want to be compatible with, but the man you are compatible with.

I think the therapy to unpick it is the only way forward. Because there are millions of men out there - your challenge is knowing who to go after. And you should invest a lot more time and effort into breaking this pattern consciously, because otherwise you're doomed to keep making the same mistakes forevermore.

@todaysdilemma where do I begin with that though? My therapist is dealing with me going for the wrong men by having me address my boundaries. But I don’t know how to actively choose nice men. This recent one is really pleasant and has a stable job and has taken an interest in me. I feel really uneasy about it although I like him. It’s hard to explain. If he was evasive some days or a bit mysterious I would be trying to prove myself to him. That’s embarrassing to admit .

I could do the second home thing if something came up. Is that a half way house though? Pardon the pun…

I don’t know if that’s taking the easy way out really. I like the idea of being able to go there though some weeks and I guess investment wise it wouldn’t be the worst thing.

It's something positive you can do for yourself, and since it is where you would choose to live in the long run, it gives you a foothold and opportunity to extend your social network there. You have nothing to lose from doing it, and everything to gain.

While you put doing these things on hold until you have someone to do it with, you're hurting yourself really - it's putting obstacles in your own way. Maybe it's not in the order of you want things to happen, but it might help make it happen.

@zonky I guess I mean if you set the bar supremely high ie successful, well travelled, handsome, no children or exes despite being mid 40s, you need to bring something to the table too. It's about having your own successful life too, be it friends, hobbies, solvency etc. Certainly some of my single friends (who don't online date/go out to meet people) set the bar very high.