Desperately sad and feel like I’m slipping into a dark place now

[Justwhyss]

Feeling sorry for myself. 36 last summer and I recently left a relationship where he was reluctant for me to meet his family though he would tell them about us on the phone etc and plenty more strange things where it became obvious that we weren’t going anywhere. He’s not been in touch so clearly didn’t love me as he claimed.

I’m just so sad in a way I haven’t felt before. Like properly alone. I have friends and a job and usually if I make lots of arrangements I have my weekends full, but it’s not easy. People are busy and have other priorities. This weekend I have zero plans. It feels scary, lonely, depressing.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess for some support. I don’t want to be told to get a hobby etc, I DO have hobbies but they don’t fill every waking hour.

I have wanted to settle down all my life. I get dates, have had relationships, it’s just never worked out for one reason or another. It has started to feel bitterly unfair. I have therapy and work hard and maintain friendships. I used to be very robust with online dating but I’m fragile these days, i fast feel irritated by a sleazy comment whereas in the past I would laugh it off.

I live in a commuter area outside a big city (not London). Like those around me that I’m close to, I hoped I would move from here and be somewhere nearer countryside. I feel like a lost part these days, it’s not a community sort of place but an area that drifts into the city. It was great when I started out my career properly/had a deposit at 28 but now I just feel like a failure. I don’t feel the location is home.

I don’t see how I will meet someone now. I scroll through profiles and I’m open minded. There’s barely anyone I’m interested in chatting to even though I try and see if something develops.

It feels hopeless. I feel old. Im sad. My younger sibling has been with her partner for 14 years and they have a family. Why hasn’t this happened for me? Im desperately sad.

[quote AnaViaSalamanca]@Justwhyss what’s your relationship history like? You say that all your life you wanted to settle down, that’s a good 15-16 years of dating. What has stopped you from being in a relationship with the right person? Think on it and maybe address it in therapy.

Maybe you are too much of a perfectionist? Maybe you are subconsciously avoiding commitment? Maybe you are setting yourself up to fail by going for unavailable men?[/quote]
@AnaViaSalamanca yeah I think probably all of that. It’s talked about in therapy. I have had a couple of longish term things of a few years that ended for pretty standard reasons though. So I’m not sure if I have a particukar issue with it.

One thing I have noticed is I am not great with overly accommodating men. A professional man has been messaging me and he’s not the MOST attractive to be fair, but I’m not hugely attracted to looks anyway until I know someone…but even messsging him, he’s very straightforward, has been complimentary but not in an overbearing way, clearly excited to meet me and not at all assuming we will meet again after first meeting (even made a joke to that effect) …and I’m far less interested in him than I was in my ex who, frankly, was a puzzle from day one with measured texts, limited availability etc which eventually turned into a clear lack of commitment.

This is a feeling I’ve noticed this time round online chatting…it makes me feel uncomfortable and shy etc like I don’t know how to handle it.

Op so many people in relationships feel like this too. I have been in a relationship most of my adult life and yet I feel so alone. I see other people in what appears to be happy relationships where they just seem to get each other and share their lives together and I can't even imagine that. But, these are people I don't know very well. Of those that I do only one couple I know seem to have that real genuine connection and aren't just making do because they feel they have no choice because of the kids or money or fear of leaving ect. Also, for that couple it is the second marriage for both of them both with children from other relationships.

I think many women (not talking about children but relationships) are happier alone rather than being in a relationship where they often end up just turning into a free form of labour for the man or becoming a victim of abuse. The trouble is it often takes women going through this to realise.

Please don't assume a relationship will make your feelings change. I don't know what the answer is other than to just look after yourself and to remember that situations are temporary. Take care OP I do feel for you x

Don't feel bad for what you've said about your sister. It's totally right that you've had a harder slog with housing and bills etc. not split with anyone over the years. The fact that you've successfully got where you are off your own back makes you an attractive partner for someone.

My group of friends and I were all single well into our 30s. Some happily, some less so. The ones who met people using online dating/apps put it down to paying rather than using free sites as they figured the men would be more likely to be looking for commitment.

It might happen. There's time. It might not and even though it's bloody difficult, I would try to accept that and be content with life, it will make you even more attractive to prospective partners, and far more importantly you will be able to enjoy weekends alone rather than dreading them. It will take time.

Indulge yourself while your single and free. Get fancy haircuts, nice clothes, fine wines, and a good vibrator. Go to the c

Posted too early!

...go to the cinema alone. Dine out alone. Luxuriate in being your own company.

Don't settle for a dud.

What not consider moving near close family and having a baby on your own. I got married to someone much younger and had children and he was abusive. I had to co parent with an abusive arsehole - if I could I’d of had children alone rather than force marriage and children with a horror show.

One more thing. For those in our group who did meet someone, they went from having moments of feeling pretty much identically to you to being a member of the smugged marrieds overnight. It's astounding how quickly life can change. Watching some of the relationships of those who settled down early implode, they're also all glad that they didn't commit to the wrong person early on in life.

@IAAP

What not consider moving near close family and having a baby on your own. I got married to someone much younger and had children and he was abusive. I had to co parent with an abusive arsehole - if I could I’d of had children alone rather than force marriage and children with a horror show.

Great idea! However this has been suggested to Op by another poster who gave account of her journey via solo parenting using a sperm donor. Op didn't comment back (yet). It appears that for a lot of women this isn't an option not due to financial or structural barriers necessarily but rather due to having to let go off the 'societal script/narrative' of meeting a man/settling down and having a family' so psychological barriers. I think some women would rather miss out on motherhood instead of seriously considering this alternative. I'm sorry to hear your ex partner isn't a good step parent.

I was just thinking about the housing thing too. I know it is so much harder paying for everything on your own. Just imagine if you had to rely on your relationship to have this though knowing that the minute it goes wrong you could lose it all. Also, you don't have to compromise on all of your wants and decisions, everything gets to be yours and your choice.

The grass is always greener, comparison is the thief of joy so they say.

There were a few people I used to be quite envious of but unfortunately as time went by they had the most horrific things happen to them. I mean utterly life changing devastating things you see on the news. It just goes to show you never know where anyone's life will take them so try not to let it consume you.

Chasing a target to make you happy is the path to misery. Concentrate on yourself, study, more training at work, pursuing interests. It’s the only way as a partner can leave at any time or die. I’m not being blasé, I’ve been through it. Yes it’s lovely to have a partner when it fits but what happens if they leave or it doesn’t work out? Also the trick of life is that as soon as you are busy living for yourself, bam you meet that person (or 3 like bloody buses) I’d say where you live sounds lonely though, I was in a commuter area and when I was single it was just so bloody boring, I felt isolated. I moved back into the city and it’s so much better, easier to get to group stuff and just more life.

I've pm'd you MerryMarigold.

Lots can change in a year OP, I remember having this discussion with a colleague when she was in her late 30s, and sure enough, it did, she met her partner and had her much longed for baby in a very short time frame. Until then, she found purpose in volunteering and keeping fit which was great for her mental and physical health. I also had quite a long period where I felt like you do after the breakdown of an engagement and I had to distract myself with other things - work and fitness, spending time with family etc…until I eventually met somebody, got married and had a baby within less than 3 years. I know it’s hard to stay positive when you feel like it never works out, but it only had to go right once, some lucky person is out there waiting to meet you. Chin up chick xx

Just posting on here to say that unhappiness & depression are often signs we are living the wrong sort of life and although they are horrible to live through, they spur us on to do something different. So listen to your feelings op.

You don't need to move back to your childhood village necessarily; the world is your oyster. You may not see it as an advantage at the moment but you have no ties which means you can roam the world if you want. How about (random idea) going to the USA to see the fall in Vermont? Or take a trip to Salzburg? Do something for yourself. I know it takes a lot of energy to do these things alone but you will feel better afterwards. Have an adventure!

I would definitely consider moving to the countryside. Would you like some animals? A dog or a horse or some llamas would definitely being you in to contact with others. Join the WI. Choose a village which has lots of community activities going on.

I am not in UK, but is there a dating agency for country folk? Find yourself a handsome farmer?

I know all of the above sounds trite, and there are no easy solutions, but please don't give up op. Keep putting yourself out there but in a different location and a different group of people

@Justwhyss in your reply to @AnaViaSalamanca you said you were less interested in a man who was straightforward rather than your ex who was more complicated.

Hopefully you are exploring this in therapy and examining your choice in partner and the "why" behind that choice.

Maybe give the straightforward guy a try. He might grow on you and he sounds more likely not to be a time waster than some of the others.

It's all about luck. Lucky people find the right relationship early on and have a family if they want one. It's not your fault you didn't, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You just weren't in the right place at the right time.

I hope it works out for you but you should probably plan as if it won't. I.e. as pp said if kids are really important to you, have one anyway. It would take the time pressure off the relationship issue and as a single parent you would not have any problems filling your weekend (though you might be bored to tears and desperately in need of adult company... but there's always mum groups...)

If IVF doesn't appeal you could try to adopt, or offer fostering.

If you can accept that you may be too late to have kids but it's the relationship that's important it would take some of the pressure off finding it right away.

There's no really good solution within your control. But keep trying, hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Two things strike me here:

One is location, if you are in commutersville you may find it hard to meet people as most around you will be settled down. I actually moved out of a sleepy large town/small city when I was 30 to London and dated extensively, I realised if I stayed in the small city it was couples all the way and my chances of settling down were very low. Numbers is where it's at with dating especially if you are quite fussy.

The second thing is you have to get over the issue of people liking you- you are less keen on the guy who is keen on you. You liked your ex who wasn't into you. This is a huge problem. If you end up chasing after the less interested, less available people, you will end up with another year long relationship in which they decide they aren't into marriage and kids. This doesn't mean your last date who is keen on you is the right person, maybe he's not. But the fact you like people who aren't that into you is definitely going to hold you back, because someone being really into you, into progressing things, and into kids, is going to be what propels this into starting a family and settling down.

I've said it before, and will again: decide what you want, then date online with this in mind. Don't give 'chances', don't settle. There are also men who want wives and families.

I just wanted to say OP, after an abusive relationship in my 20s I became single at 29. I met my DP at 36, and I’m now in my 40s, still together. It happened late for me, so please don’t despair.

Reading your last post, you actually sound like a commitment-phobe yourself. If you find yourself drawn to guys who are essentially emotionally unavailable, disinterested and tricky, then it's like self-sabotage.

@Mynextname

I was just thinking about the housing thing too. I know it is so much harder paying for everything on your own. Just imagine if you had to rely on your relationship to have this though knowing that the minute it goes wrong you could lose it all. Also, you don't have to compromise on all of your wants and decisions, everything gets to be yours and your choice.

The grass is always greener, comparison is the thief of joy so they say.

There were a few people I used to be quite envious of but unfortunately as time went by they had the most horrific things happen to them. I mean utterly life changing devastating things you see on the news. It just goes to show you never know where anyone's life will take them so try not to let it consume you.

I don't think posts like this and others on this thread are very helpful to OP.

I'm sure that OP is very aware that if you're married / have a partner things can go wrong. I'm happily married and I too have had something newsworthy horrific happen to my family. But so what? That's my life not OPs. It always bothers me on posts like this when people say things like this - oh you can be married and lonely, you can be married and divorce, you can have something horrific happen to you...

It just invalidates the way OP is feeling. She is allowed to feel the way she does, and come to a relationship forum and post for support, without having people belittle that by saying all the things that could happen to her but haven't.

It's all very patronising and unnecessary.

My heart goes out to you op. Everything you are feeling makes perfect sense to me. I met my dh completely by chance and think it is such sliding doors what you get in life as a partner. Some get lucky, some get what they want and end up unhappy cos the fit is wrong or things change, you get the idea.

I did come on to say if you are trying usual old options have you considered going to a proper matchmaking service instead? They exist I know (though can't recommend one personally) and it might be a better option than apps which have a mix of serious and chancers.

Then I saw your recent update saying you are drawn to people who keep you guessing and it reminded me of a radio programme I was listening to on Tuesday where they are doing a series on women who have broken a dating pattern, it was really good.
The episode your comment reminded me of was this one :
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0010x26

I think the straight forward guy who is showing an interest sounds lovely but I'm massively turned off by people who play mind games and live people who are just clear about what they want (he seems to want to get to know you from what you said) so I'm thinking you're crackers to be repelled by that 😬. But anyway, we're all complicated bundles of all sorts of influences so you'll know best if this is affecting your ability to find a committed relatiinship or not. Listen to the programme though cos I think it will resonate wirth you and it has a positive outcome.

“For those of you who suggest more travelling/hobbies etc. are you single yourselves and mid 30s? It's very easy to suggest these things (from the comfort of having met your partners/had families) ...singletons fall in to two camps in my experience: those who don't want to be and are miserable and those that haven't chosen it but have over time adjusted to it.“

This is basically where you are at OP.

You can choose to be the miserable singleton or the adjusted one.

Which one is going to attract a mate in time?

Your choice.

What can you do about making yourself happy and fulfilled enough to have enough energy to get you back out dating to attract and build a positive relationship which will hopefully lead to family life in time?

What do you do that prevents this from happening?

There are no guarantees that you:

Will meet someone
Will meet someone in time
Will be fertile if you do meet someone

It’s up to you how you approach your finite window of fertility (if you even are fertile - you could spend a few £££ on tests so that you know now if you are fertile or not - that would change your dating approach - you could freeze your eggs now for use later in anticipation of meeting the right person in case your fertility had declined by then).

It seems you have money. Spend it on assessing your fertility. Making decisions from there. Spend it on investing in your MH and emotional well-being so that you become radiant, resilient and discerning when selecting a mate and these core strengths will be a huge advantage in a marriage as a mother or as happy singleton.

Or throw in the towel.

Be defeatist. Waste these final finite years of your fertility being jealous, bitter and indulging in a victim mentality which will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Your choice.

Choose wisely moment by moment.

@DFOD

“For those of you who suggest more travelling/hobbies etc. are you single yourselves and mid 30s? It's very easy to suggest these things (from the comfort of having met your partners/had families) ...singletons fall in to two camps in my experience: those who don't want to be and are miserable and those that haven't chosen it but have over time adjusted to it.“

This is basically where you are at OP.

You can choose to be the miserable singleton or the adjusted one.

Which one is going to attract a mate in time?

Your choice.

What can you do about making yourself happy and fulfilled enough to have enough energy to get you back out dating to attract and build a positive relationship which will hopefully lead to family life in time?

What do you do that prevents this from happening?

There are no guarantees that you:

Will meet someone
Will meet someone in time
Will be fertile if you do meet someone

It’s up to you how you approach your finite window of fertility (if you even are fertile - you could spend a few £££ on tests so that you know now if you are fertile or not - that would change your dating approach - you could freeze your eggs now for use later in anticipation of meeting the right person in case your fertility had declined by then).

It seems you have money. Spend it on assessing your fertility. Making decisions from there. Spend it on investing in your MH and emotional well-being so that you become radiant, resilient and discerning when selecting a mate and these core strengths will be a huge advantage in a marriage as a mother or as happy singleton.

Or throw in the towel.

Be defeatist. Waste these final finite years of your fertility being jealous, bitter and indulging in a victim mentality which will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Your choice.

Choose wisely moment by moment.

God there are some horrible people on this thread

Then why quote their post in entirety so op gets double the effect?

One thing I have noticed is I am not great with overly accommodating men. OP I am like this. Avoidant, emotionally unavailable men, although I know are BAD for me, are like catnip. Men who are straightforward, don't play games, are into me.... are just not as interesting. Perhaps explore your attachment style in therapy if you haven't already done so?
As others have said, if a partner is what you want, keep at it. I was in practically the exact same situation as you though a bit older, met a lovely (good, kind, very-into-me) guy and am TTC!

Oh OP I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
I know you said you have a full life, and are sick of the online dating thing, but can you move? The change in pace and being new to an area allows you to meet new people.

I'm 41 and just ended my relationship of six years because it was so lonely living with him.

I can't imaging dating anyone else, I still love him but was so unhappy.

I'm looking and hoping to fill my life with new people, I've not yet figured out how to do this but assume expanding my social circle and saying yes to things I wouldn't usually will allow new people into my life.