Desperately sad and feel like I’m slipping into a dark place now

[Justwhyss]

Feeling sorry for myself. 36 last summer and I recently left a relationship where he was reluctant for me to meet his family though he would tell them about us on the phone etc and plenty more strange things where it became obvious that we weren’t going anywhere. He’s not been in touch so clearly didn’t love me as he claimed.

I’m just so sad in a way I haven’t felt before. Like properly alone. I have friends and a job and usually if I make lots of arrangements I have my weekends full, but it’s not easy. People are busy and have other priorities. This weekend I have zero plans. It feels scary, lonely, depressing.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I guess for some support. I don’t want to be told to get a hobby etc, I DO have hobbies but they don’t fill every waking hour.

I have wanted to settle down all my life. I get dates, have had relationships, it’s just never worked out for one reason or another. It has started to feel bitterly unfair. I have therapy and work hard and maintain friendships. I used to be very robust with online dating but I’m fragile these days, i fast feel irritated by a sleazy comment whereas in the past I would laugh it off.

I live in a commuter area outside a big city (not London). Like those around me that I’m close to, I hoped I would move from here and be somewhere nearer countryside. I feel like a lost part these days, it’s not a community sort of place but an area that drifts into the city. It was great when I started out my career properly/had a deposit at 28 but now I just feel like a failure. I don’t feel the location is home.

I don’t see how I will meet someone now. I scroll through profiles and I’m open minded. There’s barely anyone I’m interested in chatting to even though I try and see if something develops.

It feels hopeless. I feel old. Im sad. My younger sibling has been with her partner for 14 years and they have a family. Why hasn’t this happened for me? Im desperately sad.

Have you ever thought about mentoring? I know it is totally different to having a family and partner but it could be a really fulfilling way of making a difference and having a positive impact on someone's life eg a teenager from a disadvantaged background. So many young people need love and some time invested in them...

@layladomino

I get what you're saying.

It's worse if you look at what everyone else around you appears to have (or at least appears to have - we never fully know if other people are happy in their relationships). And people who have what you want might be unhappy in other ways (health, money worries, family troubles etc). There aren't many people in life who have everything they want.

I know there isn't anything we can say that will make you suddenly feel loads better. I really wish there was. I can only beg you to get up and go and do something positive, or make a plan to do something you've always dreamed of. I think you're more likely to meet someone when you just relaced and being 'you'.

That's impossible to say: " I think you're more likely to meet someone when you just relaxed and being 'you"

People meet all the time under all sorts of circumstances - they meet when they are skint/sad/happy/in the middle of divorce/unemployed as well as when they are in a good place in life. When they do meet someone then the confirmation bias kicks in and we try to find 'reasons' how and why it happened when really it isn't a meritocracy exercise - sometimes doing all the right things doesn't materialise in what we want. There are technically infinite amount of possibilities when it comes to chance and meeting someone. If there was an algorithm that works, we'd all find someone with one swipe on the app.

@KateNicole

Have you ever thought about mentoring? I know it is totally different to having a family and partner but it could be a really fulfilling way of making a difference and having a positive impact on someone's life eg a teenager from a disadvantaged background. So many young people need love and some time invested in them...

When you mentor someone you aren't 'loving' them you're providing professional support and guidance. Anything other than that would be unprofessional and a cause for concern. It's a (professional) job.

@Pinkbonbon

Relationships rarely ask forever op. Your younger sister could split up with him a few years down the line. Most relationships we have on our life are temporary. Other people are just passing through.

However, it sounds like life is telling you it's time for a big change. How do you feel about doing something totally different? Maybe going travelling or going to live in a different part of the world for a while? Or have you ever considered looking into fostering, if you have the time, space and love to give? Something, big and bold. Perhaps something that will help others. An adventure. Then qt least, if nothing else, you'll always be able to look back and think 'wasn't that fun and worthwhile' rather than 'boring and lonely'.

I know the frustration of changing a thousand little things in the hope that your world will change and instead, everything just seems to come back full circle and leave you in the same place you were. So why not try something big and see if that makes a difference. And if it doesn't, well, at least it'll be a cool story to tell.

@Pinkbonbon what do you suggest? I can’t think of anything really. I’ve done a bit of travelling. I had a move to a new place and don’t fancy moving somewhere where I don’t know anyone or don’t know the area.

Sorry if I sound defeatist.

With my sibling she has had a pretty easy time relationship wise. Met when they were 19. All seems to have been perfect for her to be honest. I definitely don’t wish any bad on her of course! But my family definitely see her as the success story and me as the mess. It feels unfair. She’s literally had no emotional turmoil whereas I’ve spent many a year feeling broken and in pieces over a couple of significant break ups or having an awful time online dating etc. There’s also the financial side that is impacted, I’ve always needed more help or just not had as much financial freedom as her, despite earning double, as she’s always shared a home and split a house deposit where I had to do that alone.

It sounds like I’m jealous of her and I guess I am in a way. I don’t want any bad for her, it’s just sometimes hard to fathom that I don’t seem to have had even one slice of the luck she has had. Not even the shared home let alone a marriage and family and long term relationship.

@fanx thanks for saying that about it being random. I often feel like I’ve done something wrong or I’m not good enough which is why I’m alone. Yet I see people on antidepressants, having divorce proceedings etc etc all finding someone. It’s really hard and I feel bitter which is a new feeling for me.

@anthurium

You can to a degree control whether you have a child or not. Solo parenting via a sperm donor?

You said: "I also think if I met someone by 37, how would we ever settle down and have kids? We’d have to do it quickly. Not even sure we could." This is very true and I was in this position. I did meet someone but we were at different life stages so it didn't work out. I'd started my solo parenting/insemination process aged 38 and was finally successful, 33 weeks now pregnant aged 39. I was not prepared to wait any longer - and I have blessed to have been successful on my first go on IVF (initial fertility check up revealed a blocked fallopian tube) success rate at 39 is less than 30%.

You never know who you will meet/when and how the relationship will develop or not. You can technically meet a partner at any moment and anywhere. Fertility is finite/unpredictable and until you start trying you never know (despite success stories on here equally there are many of women who have struggled in their 30s).

I work off the basis of what can I control (to a degree)? Re-assess whether child and partner are intrinsically linked for you.

@anthurium what do you mean 30% ? That has scared me a bit! I thought it was higher than that.

@Rainbowheart1

How can I NOT expect it when I so want to find it? It’s so hard.

I think we're mostly suggesting practical things, because there's nothing else to suggest really - meeting someone decent is a bit of a crapshoot.

So it's a case of trying to enjoy what you do have and taking what opportunities there are for you.

I'm not sure this will make you feel any better
But I also felt like you a long time ago
I do have children who are mainly happy and healthy..BUT, it's been a tough slog
And I also feel very alone as i am a single parent for years now.
Dating is just a non starter for me, I think I'd rather be alone after years of chasing that dream of happy families.. in a way yes I do have one, and I'm so many other ways I don't !

But the one thing that gets me through is just being grateful for what I do have, and when I feel sad or alone is embrace those feelings and just lean into them and feel it really feel it. It's tough but ido come out of it feeling stronger and better.
Everyone has these feelings and remember we are all doing our best with what we have.

Can you move closer to a city location? Commuterville is often the worst place to be for single people, not the benefits of the city or the country, and a much smaller potential dating pool.

You also don't mention much about your job. Do you enjoy it? Because if you feel that you have free time and don't want more hobbies, this might be the time to invest in learning and potentially looking at a new tangent or completely new direction, to give you something to focus on - and potentially the chance to meet new people, either via work, learning or a change of location. And if things don't work out, you can have a career you're more passionate about, rather than a boring job to commute to and count off the days.

36 feels old, but it isn't really. Plenty of people meet their person and have kids up to early 40s now, though appreciate it does get harder with time. Single parenthood is an option that more women are choosing. And if we'll be having to retire at 67 or beyond (sigh), then you're potentially only a third of the way through your working life too. I hope you can find a way to make it feel meaningful, whatever that turns out to be for you.

@OverTheRubicon

Can you move closer to a city location? Commuterville is often the worst place to be for single people, not the benefits of the city or the country, and a much smaller potential dating pool.

You also don't mention much about your job. Do you enjoy it? Because if you feel that you have free time and don't want more hobbies, this might be the time to invest in learning and potentially looking at a new tangent or completely new direction, to give you something to focus on - and potentially the chance to meet new people, either via work, learning or a change of location. And if things don't work out, you can have a career you're more passionate about, rather than a boring job to commute to and count off the days.

36 feels old, but it isn't really. Plenty of people meet their person and have kids up to early 40s now, though appreciate it does get harder with time. Single parenthood is an option that more women are choosing. And if we'll be having to retire at 67 or beyond (sigh), then you're potentially only a third of the way through your working life too. I hope you can find a way to make it feel meaningful, whatever that turns out to be for you.

@OverTheRubicon yeah I like work and I can work remotely though I am often travelling to different cities maybe once or twice a week.

I don’t want to live in a city centre at all, I would find that worse than being where I am I think. I’ve lived in cities and it was ok at the time but I just want to be able to park outside my house and not be around traffic etc. Probably makes me sound quite dull!

My family suggested I just get a second home near where they are, a small village but it’s quite central to a lot of cites, though a bit of a drive. I’ve thought about this as it would be a project and investment I guess and would mean I could experience country living without giving up my current house. Obviously it would mean another small place rather than upsizing. But maybe that’s going in half and half rather than just making a step toward. I don’t know. I just feel so lonely and my life is ok except I have nobody in it to share it with.

Might be a sexy single builder who'd do the work for you if you did .

I mean if that place is where you would want to live long-term, then getting a home there and spending time there building/rebuilding/extending your social network would be good - and you'd also be more likely to meet someone from that area.

OP, I can hear your loneliness. I feel so lonely too. You wouldn't think so, surrounded by kids and a dh. But teens are a different kettle of fish, more draining then giving, or maybe it's the way I've brought them up. I just mean it's possible to be very lonely and not really sharing your life with anyone even when you do have people there. If they only take, there's not much sharing really. In some ways people expect you to be ok so it's harder to admit I'm lonely, I don't have much time and very little energy to invest in friendships and anyway, they are all sick of my marriage difficulties so we can't talk about that anymore. I'm just trying to say you're not alone but the idea of having someone and a family can be a lot more fulfilling/ warm/ loving than it is in real life for many, many people. Having stuff to share, having someone right beside you that you're supposed to share it with but that you can't share it with, is very painful. Treasure your independence, treasure your freedom, treasure your friendships. Lots of love

@Justwhyss

what do you mean 30% ? That has scared me a bit! I thought it was higher than that.

From NHS: In 2019, the percentage of IVF treatments that resulted in a live birth was:

32% for women under 35
25% for women aged 35 to 37
19% for women aged 38 to 39
11% for women aged 40 to 42
5% for women aged 43 to 44
4% for women aged over 44

IVF is still frontier science, and of course you can be within the stats range or outside it (and your individual situation/medical history). But, the stats aren't too promising unfortunately. One thing IVF is not, is a guarantee to having a baby.

These stars are for people referred to IVF not for all 30-40 year olds in the population. Most people having IVF would be referred due to fertility issues not because they want a sperm donor.

That 36-39 age range is so tough for women. It's like the clock is ticking - for a relationship, for a 1st child, for a subsequent child - it's just a difficult time realizing the fertile years are winding down.

Luckily, you are at the early end of it. I would say DATE, get back on OLD. Make a spreadsheet and play the numbers game. One sleazy comment, delete them and keep looking - aggressively. State what you want. There will be men receptive to that.

I have relatives who refuse to be single and they do this with great success.

And, no, I am not a smug coupled up woman. I am happy single, late 50s.

@MerryMarigold

These stars are for people referred to IVF not for all 30-40 year olds in the population. Most people having IVF would be referred due to fertility issues not because they want a sperm donor.

Correct, however you are more likely to need interventions the older you are.

Fertility isn't a constant over a lifetime: egg as well as sperm quality decrease/egg reserve decreases, risk of chromosomal abnormalities increase as does the rate of miscarriages. Not to mention complications during pregnancy/delivery can be ascribed to women's older age. A way to find out and have an idea of your current reproductive status is to have a fertility check up.

Some people prefer to be in denial and want to believe that they can have a family when they want to: of doesn't work like that. Many women unfortunately find out it's too late either because there's an issue with their fertility or their partner's and age is an undeniable factor.

Like I've said for all the success stories of easy conception/pregnancy there's a host of stories of heartbreak and loss. You don't know which camp you'll be in, but the more informed you can be the better your decision-making. Assume nothing with fertility.

"That 36-39 age range is so tough for women. It's like the clock is ticking - for a relationship, for a 1st child, for a subsequent child - it's just a difficult time realizing the fertile years are winding down.

Luckily, you are at the early end of it. I would say DATE, get back on OLD. Make a spreadsheet and play the numbers game. One sleazy comment, delete them and keep looking - aggressively. State what you want. There will be men receptive to that."

Agree with this. Painful and frustrating though the process might be, this is the best way to find someone. It might take 50, 100 dates, but if want a relationship, I think you are going to have to go for it.

No amount of people telling you how difficult marriage can be or how happy they are with the single life will make YOU feel better. Waiting for a real life encounter at your age will simply reduce your chances of meeting anyone.

If I were in your position I'd go all out to find someone. My marriage isn't amazing but it's not bad either, my teens are alternately annoying / dismissive / frustrating or occasionally lovely, but I don't regret having them. I get bored but can't say I ever feel lonely.

@Onelifeonly it’s so hard though. Last time I met someone, a year and a half ago, I thought that was it. I was so happy. He wasn’t committed and I had to end it. Even before I met him I was clinging on to positivity and now I just don’t know if I have anything left at all.

You need to do everything you can to be happy alone. Relationships and family are not guaranteed.
These things often happen when you stop trying.

I'm sorry you are sad and lonely OP. I can relate a bit even though I have a partner, just one who is very social and busy while I tend to stay home alone because I am CEV.

Our little dog keeps me company. I am retired so don't have to leave him to go to work. Would a cat provide you some loving companionship?

The other thought I had was volunteering. If I did not have DH I think I would volunteer at the local wildlife rescue. I love animals and I know there are nice people, including some eligible single guys who volunteer there. A friend of DH volunteers there and has some great stories, including yellow seagulls from a garbage container full of curry!

I think the suggestion of a holiday is a good one. A cruise is good for meeting lots of people.

Also there are groups for many art activities, book clubs, and other volunteer things such as the food bank.

I hope you feel better soon.

@GoodnightGrandma

You need to do everything you can to be happy alone. Relationships and family are not guaranteed. These things often happen when you stop trying.

I agree that you need to try and do all you can to be happy alone but also to accept that there is a possibility that you may not find a suitable partner within the timeframe YOU have in mind, but it doesn't mean you won't meet anyone ever again.

@Justwhyss what’s your relationship history like? You say that all your life you wanted to settle down, that’s a good 15-16 years of dating. What has stopped you from being in a relationship with the right person? Think on it and maybe address it in therapy.

Maybe you are too much of a perfectionist? Maybe you are subconsciously avoiding commitment? Maybe you are setting yourself up to fail by going for unavailable men?