Friend’s comment about me buying house

[WhatDayIsss]

I’m 36 (37 next may). I’ve basically found myself alone, dating but not finding anyone and after meeting someone I really loved a year or so ago and it ending out of the blue, I’m just fed up with the whole situation.

I live in a nice two bedroom terrace that I’ve been in since my twenties, i own it and there’s around 50% equity it in. I loved the house but as time has gone on everyone has moved to bigger homes, larger gardens, more space, proper drive etc.

I’m being transparent about finance here as I really want some guidance and don’t feel I can discuss this in real life. I earn 67k, outside London ie midlands/north. With deposit I could buy somewhere around 475k.

In the areas I am looking, more countryside towns and villages, this would mean a driveway, extra rooms to have an office when working from home, a big kitchen and full garden.

I have a close friend who I have told this to (not the specific finances!) but said I was looking at somewhere a bit bigger with these features. Her response was that I would be lonely rattling round in a big house and wouldn’t it be worse than being somewhere smaller like I am now which is suitable for me. She said the homes I was looking at were family ones and not for someone single.

I get her point and I’m not sure she meant it to sound how I took it…but I feel like my life is on hold until I can meet someone and share that journey together. I would LOVE to share that with someone. I’d love to view houses with them. I’d love to chose kitchen tiles with them. I’d love to be paying a mortgage on a house that they enjoy too. But I’ve not found that person. There’s part of me also that feels I’ve worked so hard to earn better money etc and do well at work and whilst I do have a lovely house that I am grateful for, it’s become stagnant and feels a little boring. I’ve been here so long and hoped to meet someone. It just hasn’t happened.

Do I go ahead and buy somewhere closer to my ideal home? Or would it be horribly lonely and worse than it is when I’m here alone in my terrace house?

OP, how you will feel about it shouldn't be in question - it’s up to you how you feel about it and your default position was to see it as an exciting possibility that suits your current lifestyle, rather than the lonely situation that your friend put in your head. Choose either option but don’t be limited by others’ judgements on your life. Well done on your success and make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who want the best for you!

@whistleryukon

Being in a space that you love has a positive impact on your happiness in my opinion. It's nonsense that you'll 'rattle' around being lonely - what a thoughtless and mean comment from your friend. Buy the beautiful house and be proud of what you've worked hard for. Feeling lonely from time to time doesn't mean there aren't also loads of lovely things about living alone too - have it how you like, keep it tidy and clean easier, no compromises on what to buy in the first place.

This is really very simple - by the house that you want. As long as you have thought it through and can afford it etc then why the hell not? Who is your friend to tell you what home you should have?

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Loneliness has bugger all to do with the size of house you live in.

Live in a house and area that you love.

Your friend is being an idiot

I disagree here. Some people absolutely do feel they don't want to be 'rattling' around in a big house. A big house can feel empty and accentuate loneliness. Personally, I don't think I'd find this. At least as a child I loved being home alone in the family home, but I do think there are ethical issues around having more property than you need at a time when so many people are priced out of living in their local areas or having the size of house they actually need. Council tax takes this into account partly with larger houses being more taxed, but not adequately imo. There's also the higher cost of heating and time for cleaning of a bigger house and, in this case, might mean OP is going to be more rural than she would be otherwise.

So, I think people have valid concerns about the under-occupation of houses. Not everything is motivated by jealousy!

"I mean, I routinely wake up in my nice big bedroom and sob because there is just no hairy, sweaty man in my bed. "

That's obviously a joke, but I have to admit that I can't sleep in too large hotel rooms as they're not cosy enough. This is not just me - it was mentioned in a recent Guardian article about home arrangements.

" It's nonsense that you'll 'rattle' around being lonely - what a thoughtless and mean "

How do you know it was mean? She might have been trying to help. I have a friend who didn't like being in his parents' home when they were away for this very reason. I don't feel it, but some people do feel the 'rattling around' thing.

@KissedintheDark

I live alone and when if I win the lottery I'm buying a big fuck off mansion in acres of rolling countryside to rattle round in by myself. The reason being - it would make me as happy as a clam.

Live for yourself, op, go for the lovely bigger house and the garden.
It's a sensible investment as well as what feels right for you.

You'd need enough for a chauffeur as well otherwise going to the pub is going to be too much of a trek. If I had money, I'd live somewhere nice and convenient.

My thoughts are that of course you can hug any house you can afford.
As a single person I find the drudge of looking after my largish house/garden/drive a bit of a pain - but I don't enjoy maintainer and I am too tight to get a gardener etc.
It's easier to keep a larger house clean I think, just don't get any pets!
It's also easier to entertain when you have a bigger house - people can and are more likely to stay over.
Also you'll have to be more careful of attracting a cock-lodger

Not sure what business it is of your friends about what type of property you choose to live in. Have a good think about what you really want though, just because bigger property with a drive way is something that seems desirable to some, is that what you really want? For example I live in a 4 bed house near good schools as I have kids. Without kids I would still be living in the lovely flat I owed in London right by the lovely cafes for brunch.

She’s jealous or a bitch or a bit of both - why anyone would feel more lonely in a house they prefer is baffling

Or would it be horribly lonely and worse than it is when I’m here alone in my terrace house?

I have lived in everything from a bedsit to a massive country pile on my own, & the size of the home made zero difference to whether I felt lonely of not.

She said the homes I was looking at were family ones and not for someone single.

Your friend is ridiculous, & you don't need her fucking permission.
Her comment sounds like Concern Trolling.
ie far less to do with your imaginary increased loneliness, & far more to do with her need to give you a swift kick where it hurts with a passive-aggressive dominance display.

Because she's partnered up, possibly with kids, am I right?
She was trying to put you back in your box.
Possibly insecure about your career, & affronted that you don't Need A Man to buy a bigger house for you.

Apologies if I'm wrong here.
But your gut was telling you that comment was out of line, or you wouldn't be posting here. Please don't let it affect you negatively - including tying yourself in knots to try & view her unpleasant remark as an any way valid or appropriate.

Have a lot of fun playing around with Property Porn on Rightmove, & dreaming about different locations, house styles etc :)

Also - tinkering with that £475k budget. I am probably 2 or 3 decades older than you, & having lived in small, medium & large gaffs, appreciate the value of lower housing costs over increased freedom.
But you do YOU! - not what I, or your so-called friend, advise.

Embrace that independence, your career, your freedom, & your eventual new home xx

& this, from @Tomatalillo -

Safest I think would be not overspending but being able to overpay your mortgage as much as possible, and then protecting when entering any future relationships but I’m sure you know that!

Go for it, OP!

Ignore her, go and buy a house.

DP and I don't have kids but we bought a 4 bed house. The number of comments we got asking when are we going to start popping out babies to fill all the rooms I don't even want kids. I do however want to live in a spacious house.

I sometimes think people have a certain idea of what they think is "normal" and can't look past it when anyone else doesn't fit that idea.

Tell her you need a big house for all the cats you'll have to keep so you can fulfil society's stereotype of a single woman.

When you do move into your lovely big house, tell her you won't invite her because the cats have been pissing everywhere.

Sorted.

If you want it, you do it!

But just to echo what others have said bigger houses and bigger gardens are more work and effort and cost more to maintain. But if you go in with your eyes open there's no reason why you shouldn't have it just because there's just you!

Your friend has poverty psychology saying that.

I'd definitely buy a bigger house as my investment pension funds.

Are you on dating sites? Do you go on regular dates to find the right match man for you?

That's what my husband did working hard and was mortgage-free of a 5 bedroom house at 47.

Terraced house with no parking, overlooked garden and sharing walls with neighbour's each side Vs a £475k house in a village

Can't believe you need to ask. Forget your "friend"

Your friend sounds jealous. People are weird.

My husband and i had similar "what do want that for?" "You'll be rattling around" comments when we moved into our fairly large 5 bed house.

We aren't rattling around and we bloody love our house.
We have

• a master with dressing room and en suite
• an office / reading room
• a guest room come wrapping/gift room
• an exercise/ yoga room and i store my excess clothes in the built ins
• a big guest room which doubles as DHs guitar collection music room. DH keeps his clothes in the built ins (we have too many clothes!)

Get yourself a nice place, with a drive, a gorgeous garden (ours is an unexpectedly huge source of joy for us) and 3 or 4 rooms.

You work hard and you deserve the best and happiest life you can give yourself

"DH keeps his clothes in the built ins (we have too many clothes!)"

Another negative for homes that are too large - they encourage hoarding.
Do you spend that much time gift wrapping? That really made me laugh.

@traka

Terraced house with no parking, overlooked garden and sharing walls with neighbour's each side Vs a £475k house in a village

Can't believe you need to ask. Forget your "friend"

I'd rather the terraced house if the location was more convenient.

Definitely buy the house you want! I bought a family house as a single person and loved the space.