Friend’s comment about me buying house

[WhatDayIsss]

I’m 36 (37 next may). I’ve basically found myself alone, dating but not finding anyone and after meeting someone I really loved a year or so ago and it ending out of the blue, I’m just fed up with the whole situation.

I live in a nice two bedroom terrace that I’ve been in since my twenties, i own it and there’s around 50% equity it in. I loved the house but as time has gone on everyone has moved to bigger homes, larger gardens, more space, proper drive etc.

I’m being transparent about finance here as I really want some guidance and don’t feel I can discuss this in real life. I earn 67k, outside London ie midlands/north. With deposit I could buy somewhere around 475k.

In the areas I am looking, more countryside towns and villages, this would mean a driveway, extra rooms to have an office when working from home, a big kitchen and full garden.

I have a close friend who I have told this to (not the specific finances!) but said I was looking at somewhere a bit bigger with these features. Her response was that I would be lonely rattling round in a big house and wouldn’t it be worse than being somewhere smaller like I am now which is suitable for me. She said the homes I was looking at were family ones and not for someone single.

I get her point and I’m not sure she meant it to sound how I took it…but I feel like my life is on hold until I can meet someone and share that journey together. I would LOVE to share that with someone. I’d love to view houses with them. I’d love to chose kitchen tiles with them. I’d love to be paying a mortgage on a house that they enjoy too. But I’ve not found that person. There’s part of me also that feels I’ve worked so hard to earn better money etc and do well at work and whilst I do have a lovely house that I am grateful for, it’s become stagnant and feels a little boring. I’ve been here so long and hoped to meet someone. It just hasn’t happened.

Do I go ahead and buy somewhere closer to my ideal home? Or would it be horribly lonely and worse than it is when I’m here alone in my terrace house?

Wow, I'd love to be able to afford my dream house. Well done for achieving so much! A bit of a tactless comment from your friend there, but don't let it get to you. If she meant it nicely and honestly thinks you'd be happier in a small house, well I think she's wrong. If you're feeling lonely one evening, you might look at the huge living room and wish it was fuller, sure. But equally, if it was a tiny living room, you might wish you needed a bigger one.

Next time, tell her you'll need a huge house for the hundreds of cats you are getting 😜

She’s bloody jealous, you work hard you can afford it, go and buy your lovely home

I downsized when my children left because the house was big and I hated having so many disused rooms. If I didn’t need to host them occasionally I would go somewhere smaller again.

You do you, you know your own mind. She’s entitled to her opinion of how she would feel and I’d agree with her, but that doesn’t mean she’s right about your potential feelings.

I’m not going to get started on the second homes debate.

In your shoes, I think I'd be tempted to buy another place on the coast for weekends and holidays, because I would adore that -- but that's my own preference, because that would make me very happy.

Obviously, you know best whether your friend, who presumably knows you well, is being insightful or just small-minded and prescriptive. Some people have bizarrely prescriptive ideas about other people's houses someone I barely knew (a new parent at DS's school) seemed to get highly offended at the idea that our new house has five bedrooms, even though there's only DH, DS (9) and me and she only knew the number of bedrooms because she asked me, apparently specifically to fuel her indignation!

I would think carefully about the social make-up of the area you buy in if you want to go ahead and buy a bigger house (and I absolutely think you should if that's what you want). Our part of the village I used to live in was a nicely-laid-out area of mostly 4-bed houses with nice views and a lot of mature trees, but socially, it was like the Borg. Literally almost every house had a married couple, the wife a SAHM with two or three resident children, a dog, two cars on the drive and a trampoline in the back garden. We felt like outliers for being foreign, both WOHPs, one child, using public transport etc -- people were quite open about their surprise at life decisions we saw as perfectly normal.

I think if I'd been a single woman with no children I'd have felt like a Martian.

(The older part of the village, which had much more varied housing stock, from a 17thc manor house, lots of higgledy-piggeldy cottages of various sizes, some modern council houses and a vast Victorian rectory, was way more socially varied.

Of course buy the type of house you want and will be happy in.

Personally, I wouldn't spend up to your max though. Just because you can go to £475k doesn't mean you automatically should. I would buy the house that I wanted and make sure I had plenty of disposable income left for holidays etc.

If anything it can feel lonely and sad in a small and crammed place. I felt like that when i was renting a studio flat in my 20’s.
I now live in a 3 bedroom house with a huge garden. It’s just me and my husband. No kids, no pets and barely ever any guests.
I bedroom is a yoga/gym, the other bedroom is guest bedroom but it’s really ‘my room’, there is a walk-in wardrobe in our bedroom. Husband has a garden office too. Is it too big? I never ever think that.

I live alone and when if I win the lottery I'm buying a big
fuck off mansion in acres of rolling countryside to rattle round
in by myself. The reason being - it would make me as happy as
a clam.

Live for yourself, op, go for the lovely bigger house and the garden.
It's a sensible investment as well as what feels right for you.

Buy a bigger house! And be proud that you can do it on your own! How refreshing to be able to choose and do it all on your own terms, you lucky thing. And if you meet someone when you have bought it, you can share your lovely home with them.
I think your friend is thoughtless and you sound as if you are in a great place. 👍

Go and look. Fun and easy than having someone say no not that one!

Get a garden and join a gardening club amazing the people you meet from all walks of life, so interesting. Lots of new areas to explore and people to meet you never know who is around the corner. If they don’t arrive you still have a lovely house.
Just remember to join things if you live in a village. We have a lady who had just married, bought a large house just outside the village and then he was suddenly killed. She has been to a couple of things and is thinking of staying here as people are including her and asking her if she would like to join them on lunches, outings etc even despite Covid which was difficult for her.
Perhaps if you stop looking someone might be around the corner for you.
I think your friend might just be a bit worried for you and not necessarily jealous. You can always take someone with you to look at property and always view more than once. Good luck.

I’ve recently divorced and moved house. The house I moved too is actually bigger than I “needed” and to outsiders I am may be rattling around in a 4 bed house
One of the things that I planned out before offering was how I would use EVERY room so that I occupied it and moved around the rooms during the course of the day. So 2 bedrooms are my bedroom and a dressing room- now that is a dream! I have only the very smallest bedroom that is a permanent guest room that I don’t use on a daily basis. The other bedroom is my craft room etc etc….I literally have spread myself else, given each room a distinct purpose and decorated it accordingly and therefore it is all occupied. That way I don’t notice I’m in a big house by myself.
So do it, but ensure you are clear how you will use the rooms so you move about each room every day, and have no dead rooms that you never go into .

Ignore your friend, I’m not sure of her motives, genuine or not, but I totally disagree with her thinking and advice. I personally think having a bigger home, especially a new one will give you more to do, maintaining the garden, more rooms to decorate and enjoy. As the old saying goes, a change is as good as a holiday. Plus it’s your money and life, don’t let others tell you how to enjoy it.

I was very much in your place and put so much of my life on hold waiting for mr right to come along and I definitely regret not just getting on with it. I was 35 when I finally met him, 36 when I had baby number 1. I know I s a year younger than you but it’s all very possible. Maybe moving to a new area, meeting new people is exactly what you need.

If you can afford it you can live in any house you want.

In your shoes my main concerns would be:

If I lose my job can I expect to reasonably get another where I can still afford the mortgage? What are the chances of losing my job? (do you work in an area with regular redundancies/freelance or more a "job for life")

If I get ill/unable to work will I lose my home? How long can I manage on savings? Would I rather pay off my house and be mortgage free with savings so if I lose my health or job my home is not at risk?

If I take on a big mortgage will I still be able to afford to travel and maintain my home well?

Do I want children? Do I want to be a stay at home mum/dad? If I have a child can I afford the childcare or to stay at home or go part time? What if my partner is a low earner? Might I choose to have a child alone and can I manage my finances as a lone parent?

If you lusted after a larger house I would say go for it but as you say you like your house and are only looking around because you are a little bored I would turn my focus to achieving greater financial security.

I will add that my step count has gone up dramatically as I move about the house so much during the day 🤣🤣🤣

There's great advice on moving in the booke "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning". It's similar to the poster above saying about having a purpose for each space, even if it's just as space. I have a high open landing and hall, it's useless as a space but brings me joy with its airiness.

I agree. Do what makes you happy, your friend can have her opinion, but it’s hers, not yours. I’d only say think carefully about what you want, as you seem unsure whether to go for the bigger house or have 2 homes.

I’m older than you, 55, but live in a large Victorian semi, 3 beds, 2 bathrooms, small garden. It’s mine, no mortgage, and if I was to move from here, I’d pick a similar size, but a different layout. It’s just me here, and I’m not looking to change that. What I have is mine, my choice, and I don’t rattle around it, I love the space and light. Easier to keep tidy, but a pain to clean at times.

Do what makes you happy, you’ve worked hard for it. If and when you meet someone, you may decide on different priorities, but why waste time until that happens?
Good luck!

Your 'friend' is jealous. Do what you want to do and enjoy it! You only get one life.

There's a lot of variety between 2bed terrace and "huge house you would would ratting around in!" I can sort of see your friend's point if you were thinking of buying a 4/5 bed detached with 4plus bathrooms and a huge garden (though would never be so rude as to comment!) only because personally it would seem like a waste to heat loads of rooms when I'm only in one at a time and would do anything to escape extra cleaning, gardening, repairs etc that goes into maintaining a big property.

But there are millions of properties inbetween that would still be a step up from a small terrace, would give you extra space you need but still be perfectly affordable and maintainable for a single person (or two people if you did meet someone at any stage). Plus, like it or not property prices still seem to be constantly increasing, so buying a bigger and nicer house, increasing equity and then downsizing if you needed to when you retire is good financial decision. Plus you get to appreciate your asset/investment by living in it!

Don’t wait and look for permission. Buy what you are happy with. One of the positive things about being single is living life on your own terms.

I’m curious why do people think you can retire once you’ve paid your mortgage off?

You still have running costs of your house and personal expenses.

However I’d buy whatever the heck I wanted and enjoy the fruits of my labour. You could buy a place together with a future partner when that happens. I wouldn’t put my life on hold waiting for a potential future relationship.

Go for it! It's an investment. My brother never settled down, but has a 4 bed, 3 bathroom house, double garage, large garden - perfect for Him and he has space for A Home office and friends and relatives to Comfortably visit. Enjoy!

@Buggritbuggrit

I suggested a cottage with a garden, because OP could live in a really lovely village, have a garden and parking and lots of cash to reduce her outgoings and spend more on her life. Early retirement, travelling, whatever floats her boat. A three bed cottage with parking and garden would cost around 400K where I live.
Big houses, cost more to run, maintain, longer to clean etc. I have over 3000 square foot, when my children move out, I just won't need all that space. We currently have three rooms we never use.

It's just an alternative viewpoint. Sometimes we get hung up on bigger houses and miss that there are other options. At 36 OP could retire at 60 and have a fabulous time.

@LadyLuLou

Why do people always assume someone else is jealous, its such a dismissive approach to what could be a useful point of view.

Your friend could be thinking that being surrounded by other big houses filled with families might be make you feel lonely and isolated. She might be right or she might not ,only you will know that.

It's your money do what you want with it, but consider how you might feel long term. You might be happy as Larry in which case go for it. If there's a chance you won't then have a rethink. Just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should. Only you know what's right for you long term.

I think she sounds a bit envious. This is not Mao's China and you don't have to justify where or how you live. It's your life and your money; buy what you like!T

I do really like the sound of having one place near the city and one in the countryside. I'm in London and I love it, but if I won the lottery I'd absolutely buy somewhere by the sea.

somewhere by the sea as well as my place in London, I mean!

@Chewieboora

Friend sounds jealous. Buy what you want, it's your money. Doesn't sound like you're buying something ridiculous so go for it!

Why is "She sounds jealous" always people's go to? She doesn't sound jealous at all, she sounds thoughtless and a bit dim.

Anyway, I do agree that you should buy a larger house if that's what you want and can afford - you can get a drive, a garden, more peace from noisy and nosy neighbours - you don;t need a family to want that. Why wait?

I'm pretty sure all the rich single celebrities don't get judged for 'rattling around' on their own in their giant mansions do they?

There are no rules about who lives in what house - you only have to read on here to know there are families of 4 in 2 bedroom flats and retired couples in 4 bed detached houses etc.

Your home should be your sanctuary, somewhere you feel comfortable. If you're in a financial situation where you can buy a house that you will enjoy living in, I don't see any reason not to.