Friend’s comment about me buying house

[WhatDayIsss]

I’m 36 (37 next may). I’ve basically found myself alone, dating but not finding anyone and after meeting someone I really loved a year or so ago and it ending out of the blue, I’m just fed up with the whole situation.

I live in a nice two bedroom terrace that I’ve been in since my twenties, i own it and there’s around 50% equity it in. I loved the house but as time has gone on everyone has moved to bigger homes, larger gardens, more space, proper drive etc.

I’m being transparent about finance here as I really want some guidance and don’t feel I can discuss this in real life. I earn 67k, outside London ie midlands/north. With deposit I could buy somewhere around 475k.

In the areas I am looking, more countryside towns and villages, this would mean a driveway, extra rooms to have an office when working from home, a big kitchen and full garden.

I have a close friend who I have told this to (not the specific finances!) but said I was looking at somewhere a bit bigger with these features. Her response was that I would be lonely rattling round in a big house and wouldn’t it be worse than being somewhere smaller like I am now which is suitable for me. She said the homes I was looking at were family ones and not for someone single.

I get her point and I’m not sure she meant it to sound how I took it…but I feel like my life is on hold until I can meet someone and share that journey together. I would LOVE to share that with someone. I’d love to view houses with them. I’d love to chose kitchen tiles with them. I’d love to be paying a mortgage on a house that they enjoy too. But I’ve not found that person. There’s part of me also that feels I’ve worked so hard to earn better money etc and do well at work and whilst I do have a lovely house that I am grateful for, it’s become stagnant and feels a little boring. I’ve been here so long and hoped to meet someone. It just hasn’t happened.

Do I go ahead and buy somewhere closer to my ideal home? Or would it be horribly lonely and worse than it is when I’m here alone in my terrace house?

Completely ignore her! A friend of mine has a big house - just her and her dog and it is lovely. She also has friends round more and usually hosts the events for friends and family as her garden is huge and her kitchen is big enough to fit everyone in. If you’re lonely you will feel it wherever you are -even in a crowd. A big nice house may put a smile back on your face. Word of warning though, big houses are lovely but can be a PITA to heat and expensive to run (other than mortgage considerations)

I think your friend likes your little house, and think it suits you. She probably wouldn't choose to spend more on a bigger house if she didn't need the space. I didn't think she meant to say anything unkind.

I think that your friend actually has a point. For some people it does feel more lonely when you are in a big house and everyone else around has big families. She was probably talking from her own point of view. I actually felt like this in our first place, it was new built very family oriented estate with lots of young families and we were the only one without a child in our corner ( infertility). It does affects your relationships with neighbours because you’ve just got less in common. But it could be very different, you never know. I think you are a bit sensitive to her comments because of your own emotions around the issue.
It feels like you want a change in life and it’s the reason for buying a house, which is fine but buying a house should be mostly financial decision rather then emotional.

Your friend is right.

Don’t you know that single women are worthless and don’t deserve anything nice for themselves, only when they become proper grown ups by snagging a man. All of your educational and career successes are pointless if you don’t have that magic ring on your finger and refer to yourself as Mrs every second sentence.

Your only aim in life must be to find yourself a “ hubby “ 🤮 right now, so that you have a proper reason to buy your dream house.

Well done for being in a position to afford a bigger house. Of course you should go for it! I expect you know far better than your friend if the size of the house makes any difference to any loneliness (wouldn't matter to me). Friend was at least tactless or more likely jealous.

I'm sure Ive seen a very similar post before. Buy the house you want, as by the time you meet someone you may be priced out of it. Even if you're single. you can utilise the space you want, I would love to live alone!

Just go for it OP. Buy your ideal home. Don't out your life on hold. You might just find your partner living right round the corner of your ideal home!

Go for it. I bought my dream house without a man. Was planning to have children alone too, are you considering that? Or giving yourself one last year hammering the dating apps then go for it?

Do it. You can be lonely being married with kids, just look at posts on MN

I live in a 3 bed semi, on my own, and have had a large extension, I use every room, and love my garden.

Ignore her, do what is best for you

There’s a dose of smugness and wanting to hold back in that remark.

I've had that. People said our big house was a lovely family home - until dh left. Now it's just me and the kids it's far too big for us and we need to downsize.
Go figure.
Buy your house. Be happy.

@LynetteScavo

I think your friend likes your little house, and think it suits you. She probably wouldn't choose to spend more on a bigger house if she didn't need the space. I didn't think she meant to say anything unkind.

I'm kind of with this.

I wouldn't like to live in a large house on my own hutu best friend has just bought a 4 bed detached on her own. She is single and doesn't want children but she does want a home gym, recording studio and a huge garden with an outdoor kitchen. Me? I'd be happy living in a shoebox and downsized when my eldest.left home. Big houses make me feel anxious.

Everyone is different.

But you know her. She's either jealous or projecting her own feelings onto you.

Although I'm not sure why an adult would allow their plans to be potentially sidetracked because of a throwaway comment by someone else

Buy the house you want. If you find it's lonely you will have the option of getting a lodger/sharer.

Go and buy the house, new start, new possibilities and all that.
Enjoy

I think I'd just be a bit cautious about the area you buy in. So, if it is a classic 'family home' will you find all your neighbours have kids, and you therefore struggle to socialise, which might be more important if you've moved somewhere more suburban? We live in a very 'mixed' neighbourhood in terms of ages, and its quite urban (ie houses are also terraced) so I often see people to say hello to or wave to. However it was only really since having kids I ended up meeting lots of people with similar aged kids through baby groups, nursery, etc, and now I feel much more integrated into the neighbourhood.

We know people in new builds where literally 99% of people are families with same-aged kids, and that could be quite isolating. So I wouldn't necessarily worry about rattling around in a big house - presumably you'll be looking for a house that suits you - but I would be looking for somewhere that could suit your current lifestyle and if you were to have a partner/kids/etc in the future.

Buy the house you want. But make sure its the right one in the right area.

@GreyCarpet seeking the views of others about someone's different opinion on a subject, before making your own decision, is not 'being side tracked'. It's gathering as much information as you can before making your own decision. I suspect someone capable of earning £67k is quite capable of considering all views before making her own choice.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Loneliness has bugger all to do with the size of house you live in.

Live in a house and area that you love.

Your friend is being an idiot

this absolutely....what a weird thing for your friend to think, let alone say.

I can see both sides of this. You've earned it and you want to buy a bigger house etc which is completely understandable. I've also been in the position where I have been living alone in a 6 bedroom house (which was too big for 3 of us let alone 1) and it did feel more lonely, to just have lots of empty rooms there. However, I am me and you are you. I am now quite happy in normal 3 bed semi which I love and feel completely cosy in - I would not go back to big house again, just on my own. Also, sorry to be cynical - a single person in a big reasonably expensive house is an absolutely flashing beacon to those who might wish to exploit it...so just be wary.

I don't think your friend sounded jealous, if she's a real friend she was probably just thinking of the pros and cons and voiced something out loud she should maybe have kept inside.

Buy a bigger house if you want one. Why not? And no you won’t be lonely. That’s silly.. Id you’re not lonely in your current house, then why would being in a bigger house all of a sudden make you lonely.

OP, buy the house you want.

My situation is slightly similar but different- I’m married and we don’t have children.

When we lived in a two-bed flat, I constantly had people ask why we wouldn’t upgrade to something bigger (for context, flat is in the City, bad outdoor space and parking, it was probably worth more than the houses of those questioning me).

Then we moved to the countryside and bought a 7-bedroom house. We use three as bedrooms, have two offices, a cinema room, and a hobby room.
Of course, the same people think it’s too big and we should have gone for something smaller

If you find a house you love, and you can afford it, then absolutely buy it. I don't think a smaller house makes you less lonely? Spare rooms might be good for home gym, hobby room, study etc... None of those things require a husband and kids to enjoy!

The other option would be to buy somewhere smaller in the countryside and so I could go to it now and then or work there when I wanted a break from here. Essentially having one place near the city and one in the countryside… not sure if that’s a safer option?!