Friend’s comment about me buying house

[WhatDayIsss]

I’m 36 (37 next may). I’ve basically found myself alone, dating but not finding anyone and after meeting someone I really loved a year or so ago and it ending out of the blue, I’m just fed up with the whole situation.

I live in a nice two bedroom terrace that I’ve been in since my twenties, i own it and there’s around 50% equity it in. I loved the house but as time has gone on everyone has moved to bigger homes, larger gardens, more space, proper drive etc.

I’m being transparent about finance here as I really want some guidance and don’t feel I can discuss this in real life. I earn 67k, outside London ie midlands/north. With deposit I could buy somewhere around 475k.

In the areas I am looking, more countryside towns and villages, this would mean a driveway, extra rooms to have an office when working from home, a big kitchen and full garden.

I have a close friend who I have told this to (not the specific finances!) but said I was looking at somewhere a bit bigger with these features. Her response was that I would be lonely rattling round in a big house and wouldn’t it be worse than being somewhere smaller like I am now which is suitable for me. She said the homes I was looking at were family ones and not for someone single.

I get her point and I’m not sure she meant it to sound how I took it…but I feel like my life is on hold until I can meet someone and share that journey together. I would LOVE to share that with someone. I’d love to view houses with them. I’d love to chose kitchen tiles with them. I’d love to be paying a mortgage on a house that they enjoy too. But I’ve not found that person. There’s part of me also that feels I’ve worked so hard to earn better money etc and do well at work and whilst I do have a lovely house that I am grateful for, it’s become stagnant and feels a little boring. I’ve been here so long and hoped to meet someone. It just hasn’t happened.

Do I go ahead and buy somewhere closer to my ideal home? Or would it be horribly lonely and worse than it is when I’m here alone in my terrace house?

Thanks for all the comments

When I lived alone with my 2 kids a small house was perfect for us. With a OH and extra child we've moved somewhere bigger and I was thinking that I would hate to have been in the bigger house on my own with two children. That's because I am easily spooked so I like small and cosy for myself, I also like a smallish bedroom for the same reason. Go and have a look at some houses and see how it feels! You can do whatever you like with your money. Either your friend was giving you a sly put down (probably jealous) or she feels how I do about bigger houses. I only like modern houses for the same reason...lots of people prefer period houses. Just do what you feel is right for you and enjoy it. If this is about you feeling rubbish about not having found soneo5 to share your life with....don't worry, keep going you'll find someone xxx

Your friend sounds envious.

I would ditch her, get the lovely house & surround myself with good souls not this ugly mare! .

People want different things, your friend might think having a house that is quite cheap compared to your income gives you lots of other opportunities, travel or luxury car. You might not be interested in travel or luxury goods. There isn't a right or wrong with this sort of thing.

Live the life YOU want. If you want to upgrade, do it. Life is fleeting. Do what you want to do. And be happy.

@WhatDayIsss

The other option would be to buy somewhere smaller in the countryside and so I could go to it now and then or work there when I wanted a break from here. Essentially having one place near the city and one in the countryside… not sure if that’s a safer option?!

You have to factor in things like the extra stamp duty, possible extra for house insurance if it isn't fully occupied but I'm not sure about that. Otherwise I would quite enjoy a holiday home other people might not so again it is a personal choice.

Go for it! Why shouldn’t you have somewhere you love to live in. The extra space will mean room for visitors if you so wish. Do what makes you happy OP, you deserve it

I wasn't happy & friend said buy more stuff, don't move. I took it badly as I don't need more stuff. I moved, it's worked out great.

Small houses, big houses, all sorts over the years. Key is to find the right house. 😁

She's now moaning as she's stuck with her cocklodger H in the house they thought was sensible 25 years ago.

I can't see why you would feel more lonely in a house that has all you want in terms of space, garden etc. If you find somewhere villagey where there is an active local community, so much the better. In your shoes, I'd move like a shot.

She does sound jealous.

I’d buy the house that you want definitely. With the only caveat being that buy it for the way you want live now, with only half an eye to the future. I’ve been there with having a nursery that never got to be used and that can be really heart wrenching.

Personally I think barn conversion type properties can work really well for more space and multipurpose rooms, but not having loads of unused rooms upstairs. But the beauty is that you can have whatever you want OP and that is wonderful! Am happy for you!! 🎉

Safest I think would be not overspending but being able to overpay your mortgage as much as possible, and then protecting when entering any future relationships but I’m sure you know that! Good luck

Houses don't make you lonely.

You can't sit around waiting for someone. You have to get on with life. Why should you compromise. Why shouldn't you aspire for a greater quality of living and space that suits you. It actually makes you more attractive when you meet someone anyway that you are living life.

Yes as a single person i'd be financially cautious. But when a single person wants a home office and a good social space or a hobby room that might mean they end up with more bedrooms then they need due to footprint-but so what!

I have a married friend with no children who live in a beautiful 4 bed detached. Dressing room each and a lovely guest room. I have a single friend with a lovely 4 bed. Fabulous living space for her and her dogs. I have another friend with 4 bed two ensuite baths and three receptions just them and one dc. It takes all sorts.

I have encouraged one single friend to buy so she can have a fab utility with dog shower etc-to suit and enhance her life. And another couple friend to buy and develop a 'running room'. Both avid runners so straight through door and sink with shower head to clean shoes. Drying racks. Storage for all gear. Shower etc. Why should they deprive themselves because they aren't a family? It doesn't make them less than.

I didn't trade up my 2 bed flat.

I paid off the mortgage and then I could choose not to work (now doing a second degree)

So that's one option.

Ignore your friend, go for it. I've got a friend (male, if that matters), bit older than you, lives alone, never had a relationship. He's recently moved from a 3 bed semi to a much larger 3 bed detached. Straight away he's planning an extension that will double it's size and make it 7 bedrooms. He obviously doesn't need the space he's already got, nevermind what he'll end up with. But he can afford it, so why not. For most people buying their own home is the biggest and most tax effective investment they'll ever make. Even if you never have kids, it'll still give you option to downsize when you retire and free up a load of equity.

Only women seem to get these sorts of comments. My Dad currently still lives in the house we all grew up in, and has seven bedrooms. Nobody has suggested he downsize and live in a shed. When my brother bought a four bed at 30, he was single and everyone talked about how ‘eligible’ he was. When my (female) friend bought a four bed at 30, it was like everyone we knew list their collective minds. It was all very snide and ‘what does she need all that room for?’ and ‘she’ll put men off with that house’. And it was mostly women saying this nonsense. It’s a really heady mix of toxicity, internalised misogyny and envy.

OP, I hope you buy your dream house, make it lovely and live a beautiful life.

She sounds jealous.

Definitely move to a bigger home if that’s what you want. Why shouldn’t you have a garden and a home office now? None of this being stagnant, putting off bucket lists and waiting for a man rubbish. Living your fullest possible life now will increase your opportunities of meeting your life partner along the way. You’ve worked hard to progress your career and be in a position to make good money. You have options, so go ahead and enjoy the lifestyle that you have worked to achieve.

I have a really big house, when my children are not at home, it's way too big.
I will downsize when they leave, as it's a lot of empty rooms.

Going against the grain, but pay off the mortgage and retire early, or buy a cottage with a garden somewhere nicer?

You friend is jealous.

Buy something you love.

My sister has a 3BR house and lives alone.
I have a 7000sqft home and live alone.

Live your life now. A man really isn't the be all end all that's been drilled into our heads since childhood.

Absolutely do what you want and whatever will make you happy. Your friend sounds jealous and it’s nonsense to say you’ll be lonelier in a bigger house.

The only thing I would say when people talk of the investment is that when you’re buying with a mortgage over many years, you will also be paying interest (and potentially a lot if the rates rise). Yes you can downsize later in life and have you equity back but if you’re considering an investment, saving your extra cash and looking at stocks & shares or something similar would be better. You’re in a great position now to have 50% equity and that does give you some security. Best of luck whatever you decide x

If you can afford it go for the lovely big house! Your friend sounds jealous to me.

Maybe thats just her? Is she someone who can't stand to be alone, always needs company? I get it, but maybe she is projecting her own fears onto you.

If this has started a worry in your mind, you could book a big Airbnb for a long weekend and live your normal life there - do a day WFH there and then an as-usual weekend. See how you feel. She might be right, it might help you realise that it does amplify any feelings of loneliness.

In actual fact, I think you'll rather love it and you can buy your dream property in some certainty that it's the right choice for you!

@greta4563 Why? She doesn’t want a cottage and has stated no desire to retire early. What she does want is a big house.

I think location would be the issue for me. I'd want to live near things I like.

Living in an area of good schools/family housing/neighbours all families around me might make me feel lonely.

Yeah, get back in your box, singleton!

Joking, obvs- you’ve worked for it; you enjoy it!!

I think your friend sounds a bit jealous too - it isn't like you are suggesting buying a 11 bedroom castle with 6 large reception rooms. Standard size family homes seem lovely for one person to me - I would fill a five bedroom house with a bedroom for me; a home office; a Pilates reformer/workout room; a hobby/sewing room; a spare bedroom for a friend...

My DH bought a 4 bed place when he was single (before we met) - he wanted space for a home office and a room his drums amongst other things. Where we live now (a very small development of what were new houses 25 years ago) we have a neighbour who bought the largest of the property types (4 bed detached, downstairs office etc) - he was single when he bought it from new and still is (also no children). One of my female colleagues, who earns a similar amount to you, has a 4 bedroom detached house that she bought my herself. I think it is perfectly normal and sounds lovely if you are in a position to be able to afford it as a single person.

If you want a bigger house go for it.
Some things to consider are having a large garden will require a lot of work which you will have to do on your own or you could hire a gardener. There will be more cleaning as the place is bigger. Bills will increase. Heating will cost more.

The only thing to be wary of is moving too far from your social circle. If it ends up being a pain to drive quite a distance to meet up with people that might end up being a bit of a problem. When you're single you really need your friends and I need a routine of weekly activities where I meet up with people.
I do live in the countryside and drive often up to an hour to do some of my "hobbies". It can be wearing sometimes.

Just be aware of that when looking at different locations.
I don't think "rattling around in a big house" will make you feel more lonely but not having easy access to friends and social groups would.